Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, March 26rd, 2014.
We were so afraid that We were going to have
nothing to talk about in here today.
Fortunately, at the last possible second, the WorldWideInterWebNetz came
to Our rescue and provided Us with this: http://www.queerty.com/man-with-three-balls-posts-nude-on-reddit-becomes-internet-sensation-overnight-20140326/
Despite the title, the link IS Safe For Work,
although it leads, understandably, to NOT Safe For Work places.
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Jonathan, who
turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. It has only just occurred to Us this very
minute that Jonathan, as an Aries, is in a relationship with Our Birthday Twin
Katy, who is also an Aries. This Same-Sign
Relationship issue is addressed at some length in Our show, Looking
for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, on which We have
not yet given up. No matter what the
rest of the world has done.
(You did all understand that “Birthday Twin”
means that Katy and We share the same birthday, didn’t you? Because were you (subjunctively) to see Katy
and Us together, you would certainly be able to tell Us apart. (And if you
think Katy is grateful for that, just
imagine how Jonathan feels.))
Happy Birthday also to Cheryl, who also turns
twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your)
Back. Happy Birthday also too to Damian,
who also too turns twenty-four today, albeit elsewhere in The State In Which We
Live (Pennsylvania, that is. Not
Confusion.)
There’s just nothing like a good “albeit”, is
there? Cleanses the soul.
In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to
David, and Ryan, and, last but not Lee Strasberg, to The LovelyAndTalented Ed.
(We have not seen The LovelyAndTalented Ed in person for quite some time, but
photographic evidence from SitOnMyFaceBook indicates that he is, in fact, still
Lovely. We are, on the other hand, assuming that he is still Talented, thereby
making an ass out of Uma Thurman. As One
does.)
We have moved into the glorious sign of
Aries, the harbinger of Spring (never mind all the crap they fed Us about snow
yesterday. And the fact that it’s eleventy-two billion and twelve degrees below
zero outside.). Our Aries video is above,
and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie
Starfish, for comparison:
Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We
need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited
Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We wouldn’t want him to get mad.
And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:
So it is Robert Frost’s birthday today. (Who did you think We were gonna say? Steven Tyler?
Leonard Nimoy?)
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and
I—
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I ate a piece of shoo-fly pie,
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And then I sang “Pomp and
Circumstance”.
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You can tell Robert Frost is a great poet
because you have no fucking clue what he’s talking about.
Try to blaze new ground today — your energy
is best spent pioneering. (Who the fuck
are We…Laura Ingalls?)
You may need to go it alone, (Wow. There’s a hot news flash.)
because things are a bit too dicey for some of
your stodgier friends or colleagues. (“Stodgier”…now
there’s a word you don’t see every day.
Sure, you see “stodgy” (having
lots of stodge) , and “stodgiest”
(having the most stodge, or, under certain circumstances, having ALL the
stodge), but you rarely see the comparative “stodgier”. Mainly because quantities of stodge are
measured in a long-forgotten unit of measurement akin to the dram and the
furlong, making it difficult to ascertain relative degrees of stodgiousity.)
(But seriously, who the fuck are We…Laura
Ingalls?)
You have another day to do exactly what you
know you were born to do: Mingle. (Well, you know what They say: “Have Pringles™,
will mingle.” (Laura Ingalls?))
(You know, if you think of all the things
They say that They say, it’s a miracle anyone still listens when They talk.)
By late this evening, you’ll be ready for at
least a day off from socializing — and you’ll have it. (We have a full day of work tomorrow’ if you
can imagine such a thing. Lord knows, We
can’t.)
The stars make sure you get a nice break from
the spotlight. (Oh, please. If We get any more of a “break from the
spotlight”, We’ll be painting Helen Keller’s darkroom black.)
Even when it comes to a sign as fiery,
outgoing and personable as yourself, it’s easy to see how home might be the
only place you’ll really want to be now. (Well, either home, or Johnny Depp’s underwear
drawer.)
Think of it as a snuggle-fest. (You do realize, We live alone, don’t you?)
If you
can’t figure out what to do today, turn on your computer and check your inbox. (We
would just like to point out at this juncture that Ass Hatt Kelli’s horoscope
is ONLINE. So if We hadn’t
(subjunctively) already turned on Our computer, We wouldn’t be reading her advice to TURN ON OUR COMPUTER.)
(Ass.
Hatt. Wearing her Ass as a
Hatt. Since 2001.)
You may find a sweet, surprising message
there — likely a new beginning or an important ending. Either way, it’s for the
best. (Okay, that says that there are two best ways. Words have MEANINGS. Ass Hatt.)
(But seriously…Laura Ingalls?)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
