As long as you love me, We could be starving

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  TuesdayWearingMonday’sHandMeDowns, February 19, 2013.  We trust that you have all recovered from all of your Presidents Day revelries, and that you are not feeling too many ill-effects today.  We Our Own Self Personally only made it as far as Rutherford B. Hayes before We were forced to call it a night.  Apparently, We just can’t party on down wit’ da presidents da way We used to.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Mister BoBoB Jasper, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in suburbia.  Happy Birthday also to Pete, who also turns twenty-four today, also somewhere in suburbia, except suburbia as it relates to Chicago, as opposed to The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also too to Johnnie, who also too turns twenty-four today right here at home, and to Jeffery, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo.

Why, We feel as though We should go on tour to wish all these folks a happy birthday in person.

As We promised yesterday, today is A Very Special E-Pissode Of Blossom here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  (And, parenthetically, Blossom having turned up on Big Bang Theory, whatever became of her hunky-but-dim brother?  Let’s just tiptoe through the tulips of Googly Wikipedia for a moment, shall We?)

(Okay, never mind.)

(Meanwhile, if you had told Us when We were a child that someday there would be a machine in Our house where you could type such things as “Blossom’s brother Joey” and find all the answers you were looking for, We’d’ve told you you’d had one too many Rutherford B. Hayeses.)

What the fuck were We talking about?  Oh, yes…Very Special E-Pissode.  Today being the first day of Pisces, you may have already noticed a brand-spanking-new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video up above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Many of you will recall Our 2012 Pisces video, complete with guest appearance by Justin Bieber. Since We never tire of sharing that with Our adoring public, while We are waiting for Our invitation to go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht, here it is:

(Is it just Us, or did “go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht” sound suspiciously like a euphemism?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

And here are the HorrorScopes:

 (Oh Our cars and starters!  Hot on the heels of all the hoopla and hullaballoo that is Presidents Day comes Justine Bateman’s birthday!  Will the excitement never abate?)

Take care when you’re communicating today — things are looking a little weird, but you can turn them around in a big way if you just find a way to express yourself clearly and quickly.  (Howzziss: Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Your patience for indecisive people is running very low, right now.  (We’re not entirely sure whether that’s true or not…)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

You know what you’re doing today, (What?)

(Just kidding.  First, We will be plugging Our new video all over the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  Then We will be going to the Italian Market and making dinner.  Our glamourz, let Us show them to you.)

so how come no one else does?  (Does what?)

Well, you’ll never be able to get a satisfying answer to that question, (Well, aren’t YOU just the Bluebird Of Fucking Happiness?)

so why even ask it? (Are you questioning Our questioning?)

You’ll only get frustrated or angry. (Usually both.)

To keep your resentment at bay, you’ve got to move past the nincompoops and just not give them a second thought.  (Well, We were going to forget about them entirely until you called them “nincompoops” and made Us giggle.  Now We can’t think of anything else.  It’s like when someone tells you not to think of pink elephants, and then all you can think about is pink elephants.)

(Are you thinking about pink elephants now?  Are they nincompooping?  We seem to recall mentioning before in these hallowed pages, elephants?  Have big poops.)

Focus your communication on getting your own stuff down, (ExSQUEEZE Us?)

not on trying to get other people in trouble.  (Do you mean get other people in trouble, or get other people In Trouble?)

(And, now that We’ve been forced to look at it, isn’t “trouble” a peculiar word?  Troublesome, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you, when it’s All About Eve?))

Modern techniques should work really well for your love life today. (So We can just pay somebody, then?)

Use email, texts, IM and more to your romantic advantage.  (That sentence right there is a very bizarre porno movie.)

(No, really…think about it.)

Everyone loves quick, sweet flirts  (Not to mention farts.)

(We TOLD you not to mention them.)

— and you’re a genius at it right now.  (Yay, Us!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

All you need is Lug! Nuts! Lug is all you need.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Fursday, October Forf, 2012.  Happy birfday to OurDaughter, who clawed her way out of Our vagina twenty-four years ago today.  What the hell she was doing up Our vagina in the first place, We haven’t got any idea. (This will no doubt remind Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age of a Sandy Dennis movie from the 60s entitled Up the Down Vagina.  That is not Our fault.)  Happy birfday also to Jill, who also turns twenty-four today.  And happy birfday also as well to Ben, who also as well turns twenty-four today.  Ben holds the distinction of having been present for Starzina’s stage debut, wherein We audience-participated upon him.  Sat on his lap, We did.  He had a woody.  He’s Italian.  (You knew to pronounce that “EYE-talian”, right?  That’s how you say it when you mean “has a really big dick”.)

Ben… the two of us need look no more
We… both found what we were looking for…

Sorry…just having a moment.  In other news, happy birfday also to Juli and Alex, who don’t each get their own sentence because they’re not EVEN turning twenty-four today.

In random news form the WorldWideInterWebNetz, Leonardo DiCaprio, whom We follow on Twatter (because We’re hep to the jive like that), wants Us to know that it is Animal Action Week.  ROWRRR, Leo!  C’mon-a Our house and We’ll SHOW ya some “animal action”.  (Leo is Italian.  (You knew to pronounce that “IT-alian”, right? That’s how you say it when you mean “doesn’t have a very big dick”.  (Which see:  http://thestryker.blogspot.com/2012/05/leonardo-di-caprio-nude.html?zx=7a0ffb67c51f3100 )  We still wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers.  He IS Leonardo Di-Fucking-Caprio, fercrissakes.))

No matter how many times it happens, We are still always amazed that Micro$oft Weird™ is not hep enough to know the word “hep”.

So how many of you just got back from looking at the picture of Leonardo DiCaprio naked?  Perverts.

In still other news, We broke Our bathroom waste basket last night.  And now We have no idea what to do with it.  #ExistentialistProblems

Forgive Us if We are rambling.  It has dawned upon Us that We are a little Depressed.  (Yes, with a capital D.)  Whether this is post-plague-related or seasonal We have not yet ascertained. This despite the fact that We have spent each of the past three nights in the company of a different Hottie Gentleman Caller.  Sigh.  (Please don’t get the mistaken idea that We had such a thing as a “date” or anything.  Surely you would have noticed had the Earth (subjunctively) started spinning in the other direction.)

In addition to being Depressed, it is entirely possible that We have lost what has been passing for Our mind, or did today’s e-pisstle’s title not even phase you?

Meanwhile, in the Witch City of Salem, Massachusetts, THIS is happening: http://www.scarymarylives.com/

And here’s a sample:

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

We know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, how could anyone possibly be Depressed when it is not only Susan Sarandon’s birthday, but also Rutherford B. Hayes’s?  We guess We’re just special like that.

You’re not moving at your typical quick pace today, (That was Uncle Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow…Extreme Unction.)

(Not every day you hear an “extreme unction” joke, izzit?  That one goes out to all of Our Catholic readers.)

which could mean almost anything (Way to prognosticate specifically, biz-natch.)

— you could be getting sick (Bite your damn tongue.)

or you could be distracted by some weird news that comes in this morning. (OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia just informed Us via SitOnOurFaceBook that it is National Taco Day.  Do you mean weirder news than that?)

It gets better soon!  (Define “soon”.)

The actions of other people will be very unpredictable today, (Pigfuckers.)

so you need to be prepared for anything. (Again with the specificity.)

And although this day may test your flexibility (We should be so lucky.)

and your patience, (Our what?)

it will still be quite enjoyable. (Alrighty, then.)

You like it when things are interesting, (Which they so rarely are.)

and unpredictability is part of the price you pay for ‘interesting.’ (Leonardo DiCaprio’s penis.)

(Sorry…Our attention wandered…were you still talking?)

One of your friends might have an interesting social opportunity for you, but you need to have them explain things in more detail before you say ‘yes.’  (Well, doesn’t THAT just sound all murky. (Murky Murk:  Mark Wahlberg’s retarded rapper brother.  His career never quite took off.  There wasn’t a whole lot going on in his Calvin Kleins, if you know what We mean.  And We think you do.))

(Is it just Us, or is there a whole lotta crap about dick in here today?)

 You may feel like romantic progress is slow or fading, (Or, in fact, non-existent.)

but think of this time as a building phase. (We would, if We had any idea what the hell that meant.)

Make friends with someone new, update your online profile and let people know you’re on the market. (To market, to market, to buy a fat pig. (Clearly, We are bringing sexy back.))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Fifty million Frenchmen can’t be wrong

                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurgoodMarshall’sDay, July 14, 2011.  We were not even going to epistlize today, as We have about four hundred kabillion and eleventy-twelve things to do, and not an indentured servant in sight to accomplish them for Us, but then We realised that We could not possibly let Bastille Day pass wizzout weeshing ‘Appy Bastille Day to all Our Bastillian friends. (Micro$oft Weird™ appears to be of the opinion that “epistlize” is not a word.  Don’t tell them that in the basement of the Bike Stop.  Saint Paul and the Corinthians will be very upset.  (You got that that was two separate thoughts, right?  We were not implying that you would find Saint Paul and the Corinthians in the basement of the Bike Stop. (It’s Thursday, fercrissakes.  Everybody knows Saint Paul and the Corinthians are at Woody’s on Thursday night.)))

Another reason why We felt compelled to epistle all over you all today is that We just discovered that Everybody’s Favorite Singer-Songwriter  dropped her latest single today, complete with video, and We would have been totally remiss had We (subjunctively) not shared it with you.  So, without further epistling, ladies and genitals, We give you Ms. Brie Feingold-Africa, with her new Number-One-With-A-Bullet single, “Blue-Eyed Neighbor” (it will no doubt annoy her that We  say this, but Ms. Feingold-Africa is work-safe.   (Or at least her song is.)):

(Heh.  We said “Number One”.)

In other video news, here is this, courtesy of OurMizDonna, which also amused Us this morning.  It, too, is work-safe, although they do use the word “uterus” at one point.  Which is hysterical.  (That last bit was a little etymological humor for Our word-nerd readers.  Those of you who don’t get why putting “uterus” and “hysterical” together is, well, hysterical, just go look at the video.  (Please note that We absolve Ourselves from any responsibility for any unexpected excretia you may generate while howling at same.)):

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed64755ab1/her-first-period

Speaking of excretia (as one does), why not pay a visit to Us in video land…maybe even click Our “Like” button (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.  And We haven’t had Our “Like” button clicked in YEARS.) Or even share Us with a friend.  Even if they AREN’T having a birthday. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Andy Dick’s anal probe. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Seize any opportunity that comes your way (We trust you’ve been following along long enough to know this, but, for any newbies, when you see an opportunity, seize it by the knockers.  (We shall eventually be crowned queen of Rutherford B. Hayes Junior High School.  (We just pulled President Hayes out of Our proverbial (and ever-expanding) ass…let’s go Google on Wikipedia for a moment…We’ll be right back (or “BRB”, as the kidz say)… turns out, there IS an ACTUAL Rutherford B. Hayes Junior High School .  In Youngstown, Ohio.  Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh would anyone live in Ohio?)))

(It occurs to Us that We know nothing whatsoever about your Yankee President Rutherford B. Hayes.  Not only that, We don’t care all that much.  But Millard Fillmore’s mother was black.)

— act on instinct to get ahead. (Oh, please. Do anything you need to to get head.)

Your energy isn’t right for making plans, (Well, you know what They say: it’s best to plan to be laid by mice and men. (Although how the mice fit into the equation, We’re not exactly sure.))

and especially poor for sticking to them, but improvising is your specialty right now.  (Actually, gastroenterology is Our specialty. And yes, that DID come out of Us.)

(Okay, that there?  May have been the most highbrow fart joke ever told.)

Today you should continue to play the game that everyone else has been playing. (With Our luck, it’ll be Chutes and Ladders.)

Sure, it might be a little boring, and it certainly isn’t doing anything to get you closer to your latest goal, but it’s the language everyone is speaking in right now. (If Saint Paul is epistling the Corinthians, is he epistling in rich Corinthian leather, or is he just epistling Dixie? (This may be the only blog on the entire WorldWideInterWebNetz that contained a Ricardo Montalban joke this morning.  And, if there’s a Ricardo Montalban joke, can a Hervé Villechaize joke be far behind?  “Look, Boss!  De plane, de plane!  Who’s on top tonight, Boss?”))

 And if you want to be part of the conversation, you have to speak it, too. (Epistling Esperanto, We are.)

Prove to everyone else what a great player you are. (Or, at the very least, what a great athletic supporter.)

Once you have that credibility, you can start shaking things up.  (Beginning with your booty.)

You need to tell that inner critic to shut up and let you finish. (Shut up and let Us finish.  (How the hell did Gene Shalit get in there, anyway?))

(When’s the last time YOU thought about Gene Shalit?)

Whether you’re setting up your online profile or trying to work up the nerve to ask someone out, remind yourself that you can do it! (Note to Self:  new children’s book: The Little Engine That Really Couldn’t.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.