Ain’t it a bitch?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, December 06, 2012. Happy Birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today in Manhattania. Also, Happy Birthday to Frank, who also turns twenty-four today, but NOT in Manhattania.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Matt, who also also turns twenty-four today.  In Honolulu.  Hawaii, don’t’cha know.

“Honolulu” is one of those words that’s fun to type.  Like “banana”.  Because sometimes you forget to stop. Bananananananana.  Honolululululululululu.

We are easily amused.

Our heat came on as We sat down to begin writing this, which clued Us in that it’s not as warm out today as it’s been.  (We suspect, for example, that Matt’s heat in Honolululululululu did NOT come on this morning.)  This would be completely unremarkable, except for the fact that, as the heat ran, the candles on Our dining room table began to vibrate uncontrollably and Would. Not. Stop.  Leading Us to believe that mayhaps OurHouseWhereWeLive is being haunted by The Ghost Of Christmas Panties.

More on that story as it develops.

We had Our focus group yesterday afternoon, which, blessedly, turned out to be only an hour and a half instead of two hours.  Which meant it was still light when We left, which enabled Us to squeeze in some shopping.  We stopped at the post office to obtain stamps with which to send Our Christmas cards, only to be informed that “We don’t have any Christmas stamps”.  Oh, really?  When do you think you MIGHT have them?  Valentine’s Day?  Jeebus.

Meanwhile, in Our dreams, yet another two epic sagas.  (Singular “saga” is much like Honolululululululu.  “Sagagagagaga”.  (Insert Lady Gagagagagagaga joke here.  (This “Honolululululululu” joke just doesn’t get old, duzzit?  (Shaddup.))) ) Why We don’t have a development deal with HBO or Showtime, We haven’t got any idea.

At any rate, in the first dream, We were directing the Sordid Lives sequel.  Which does not, of course, exist, but since when would that stop Us?  All of the ladies of the coven were present  and accounted for, as well as MizGerreGarrett, who was sporting exceedingly large hair,  Our Sistah Ovella, and The Sainted Mother, who was, We think, playing the role of the woman who appears in the bar scene in the movie, but isn’t in the original play’s script.

The play began with a monologue by OurMizDonna, and everything went brilliantly all through the first act. Then everything went to hell in a handbag, as We learned that act two was supposed to begin with a monologue by Us Our Own Self Personally, which we had neither ever read nor memorized.  Although We had Our script in Our very hand, We could not find the page on which said monologue began, and no one would tell Us.

Fortunately, nature called and woke Us up.

In Our next dream, We were in Our grandmother’s house, with various random members of Our extended family present, when We got it into Our head that We needed to bake cookies.  Why this would be necessary, We haven’t got any idea, as We do not recall there ever being a time at Our grandmother’s house when cookies were not already present.    And Our grandmother was in fact In Da House, albeit with her hair and makeup done as they might have been when she was a young woman, and wearing two different shoes.

As anyone who bakes cookies knows, the first thing you want to do is, obviously, unwrap about ten pounds of butter and clutch them to your chest while beginning to look for a mixing bowl.  Being unable to look Our Own Self (ten pounds of butter is SLIPPERY), We enlisted the aid of others, who impeded Our progress by bringing Us containers that were too small (teacups, cereal bowls) or inappropriate (purses, picnic baskets).

We were screaming “a fucking mixing bowl!!!” at some random child when a trash truck woke Us up.

Diagnoses are welcome.  We might even give you one of Our two nickels.

Please share Our video with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y

Speaking of videos, it occurs to Us that, as We have a new audience from www.holidailies.org , We ought perhaps to resurrect Jesus.  As it (subjunctively) were:

Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.): 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Heard any good jokes lately? Yeah me neither..

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Got cut from the football team. Apparently "blind side" isn't what I thought it meant...

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Did I mention how I've seen the same amount of NHL games as everyone else this year?

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In other news, Happy Agnes Moorehead’s Birthday, everybody!

You should take better care of yourself  (If We could “ take care of Ourself”, We’d never leave the house.)

— though that’s hardly unique!  (What the hell does that mean?  How would that be unique?)

You do have uniquely focused energy today, though, (Too bad the focus group was yesterday.)

so you should be able to follow through on even the loftiest of health goals!  (Two sentences in a row ending with exclamation points?  Take a chill pill, Kelli.)

It’s the squeaky wheel that usually gets all the oil, (But what does Squeaky Fromme get?)

so if you are in need of some attention today, you’ll have to speak up loudly, early and often!  (Another exclamation point?  Seriously?)

The usual agitators in your group won’t be making much noise right now, (See ya later, agitator.  After while, Vera Miles.)

(What?)

so the coast should be clear for you to take center stage for a while. (If not, We shall call up the coast guard.)

You might have to guard this attention soon, though (Heh.  Kelli said “guard” right after We did.)

— your window of opportunity will be closing by the end of the day. (Fortunately, Our skylight of impropriety will be wide open.)

So speak up now or forever hold your peace. 

(What?  We were holding Our peace.)

Any applicants for a position in your heart are getting extra scrutiny now.  (Also, it’s Double Coupon Day.)

Sure, it’s a good idea to give that resume a close look and to check references, if possible, but be sure to give them a fair chance too. (Mais oui give them a fair shake instead?)

HONOLULULULULULULULULULULU!!!!!!!!

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToothDay, April Threeth, 2012.  We were just about to wish you a belated Happy Holy Week when We were interrupted by Jehovah’s Witnesses at Our front door.  Could someone teach these damn people that WORDS HAVE MEANINGS?  Even if every word of the bible were (subjunctively) literally true, you people didn’t “witness” a goddamn (heh) thing.  Jeebus.

So, belatedly, Happy Holy Week.

We are currently being frustrated by (amongst other things) the fact that no one We know has had a birthday in three days, so We have nowhere to peddle Our video wares, as it (subjunctively) were.  Becoming an overnight WorldWideInterWebNetzian sensation apparently takes a lot longer than One might think.

Just in case you were finding it difficult to resoundingly ignore it, here is the link for Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Aries video:

http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Here it is again, in case you missed it:

http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM

Meanwhile, in a desperate effort to keep up with pop culture, We have finally become the very last person in the country to begin reading The Hunger Games.  (We somehow managed to avoid the entire Twilight phenomenon; We’re not exactly sure why We perceived this as different.)  We have finished the first part of the first book, and it is not entirely terrible, if One accepts the premise that it is aimed at younger readers, and thus presents teenagers as the only sentient beings.  Also, that it is thus permitted to trot out litter-hairy hoary old chestnuts and present them as though they were (is this really the third subjunctively thusfar?  We are on a serious alternate-universe roll.   (We are pretty sure it is a Kaiser roll. (Have We really lived this long unaware that “thusfar” is actually two words?  We’re pretty sure We always thought it was like “thereafter” or “herein” or “umbrellastand”.  Hmph…ya live, ya learn.  Who knew?))) brand spanking new.

We just digressed off to investigate the origin of the phrase “hoary old chestnut”.  Turns out it’s from a play written in 1816.  We would like, consequently, to suggest a modernization, in which we shall replace it with the much more vivid word pixture, “whorey old chesthair”.  You’re welcome.

The preceding passages were for Lindsay.  We had no idea she was following Our bouncing balls along until yesterday, when she commented that she enjoys Our litter-hairy references.  So, as They say, the Squeaky Fromme goes to Greece.  (Why They always say such peculiar things, We have no idea.)

We are fairly certain that that was Our first-ever Squeaky Fromme reference in these hallowed pages.  We are now being enormously titillated by the idea of leaving her alone in here with Charlene Tilton.  (We trust that the appearance of “enormously titillated” and “Charlene Tilton” in the same sentence struck absolutely no one as a coincidence.  You’re welcome, str8 boi readers.)

And here is a HorrorScope:

Like everyone, (We are unique, just like everyone else is.)

you need regular exercise to stay healthy. (We’d much prefer some IRRegular exercise, if you know what We mean. And We think you do.  Sluts.)

Unlike everyone, though, you can find new ways to enjoy it or make a game out of it. (There’s always flinging poo out the upstairs windows at Jehovah’s Witnesses on the doorstep.  (with Dinah, strumming on the old ban-jo-oh-oh-oh.))

(Dearest Micro$oft Weird™:  How exactly would YOU like Us to spell “poo”?  Trust Us, We are all ears, except for Uranus.)

Your energy is just right for getting some cardio in now!  (“Cardio” is, of course, the latest sensation in filled pasta, now beings served at all the hottest bistros and boîtes in The City Of Brotherly Love (Handles).)

(Who just said, “What’s a boîte?”  Don’t MAKE Us come over there.)

It’s okay to let down your guard (We have guards?)

and show all your honest emotions today. (Oh, go fuck yerself.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

When other people have a positive impact on your life, you should let them know.  (Some of YouPeople are positively impacting Our colon.)

(There…how was that?)

Be prepared to communicate how other people make you feel today, because you will be surrounded by big personalities and bigger acts of generosity.  (We can only imagine.)

You will experience a wonderful mixture of intimidation, excitement and gratitude.  (Does anyone else fail to see anything “wonderful” about “intimidation”?)

Let these feelings inspire you, and you will be unstoppable.  (Unlike Our colon.)

(To say nothing of Our semicolon; no, really; say nothing.)

(A punctuation joke, people…do NOT try this at home.)

Someone is out to get you — and it’s only Tuesday!  (See?  It’s NOT paranoia!)

Early on, scope out your foes (But not their toes.)

(What?)

and renew alliances with friends. (With friends like foes, who needs anemones?)

(What does that even MEAN?)

Before you launch the cannons, insist on a pirate parlay. (What are We, twelve?)

Good communication may stave off an ugly war.  (As opposed to all those chic, smart, well-turned-out wars wearing this season’s newest shade, with an insouciant boutonnière.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.