She just loved my big ten inch record of her favorite blues

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (For That ‘Not-So-Fresh’ Feeling), May 15^st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Sweetbreadstudios, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We were not even going to e-pisstlize today, but then We learned that it is National Hummus Day (or is it National Hummer Day?…We are easily confused…)  And would We leave you un-e-pisstlized on National Hummus Day (or National Hummer Day)?  We would NOT.

Co-inky-dinkally, We were recently asked for Our hummus recipe on SitOnMyFaceBook.  (We have not been asked for Our hummer recipe for years.)  So We thought We would share it with Our Gentle Readers here as well:

Hummus bi Tahini (We have no idea what’s so “bi” about it; We have certainly shared it with people of any number of sexual preferences.)

My "recipe" is very like somebody's grandmother's, but here ya go:

(all quantities are "to taste")

1 15-16 oz can garbanzo beans
1/4-1/3 C tahini
2-3 Tbsp lemon juice
2-3 Tbsp olive oil (use more if it is too thick once blended)
2-4 cloves garlic, minced
1-2 tsp ground cumin

Mash that all together (I have used a potato masher or a hand mixer, but I now have an immersion blender which makes it so much easier). Thin with olive oil if it is too thick. Add salt/seasoned salt/ Adobo to taste, as well as hot sauce/cayenne/paprika if you want a kick. Garnish with chopped parsley and/or scallions.

The initial request came from Katy (hi, Katy!) and the recipe was approved by OurMizCatherine and Our Sistah Ovella.  (Hi, Catherine!  Hi, Ovella!)

John, (whom, parenthetically (hence the parentheses) We have seen naked) meanwhile, chimed in all the way from The Left Coast: “Truly superior hummus can only be made by lesbians or hippies I was once told...” (Hi, John!)

Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian?  She liked men…

Happy Decimo Quinto de Mayo to everybody as well.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Leonard Bernstein.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Leonard Bernstein as Yitzhak?  (We’ll wait.))

This just in from the WorldWideInterWebNetz, and without it, your life would have no meaning:

http://rapshirtsforwhitepeople.com/

In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, We have no earthly idea who the top twelve “celebrities” born today even are, and you have to get all the way down to the fourth set of twelve to find Anna Maria Alberghetti and Brian Eno (of crossword puzzle fame).  The hell?

And now, because Our birthday revelry continues apace, here in lieu of call-and-response with the AssHatted Miss Kelli, a reading from madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.

What do you do when you find yourself feeling down? An excellent way to change your mood for at least several hours is to get up and walk, preferably outside. The combination of giving yourself a new set of things to look at, plus increasing your blood flow is guaranteed to change your mood for the better. A dear friend of Madame Olivia's calls this "personality management." It's also "mood management." (ps: You needn't walk long, but make the pace brisk!)

An opportunity is going to arise for you which you in your haste may overlook. Madame Olivia would like to remind you to cultivate patience at this time (an effort she herself is working on). It's a beautiful quality. It makes the people you're with feel attended to, and slows you down just enough, Aries, so you don't miss anything crucial. You'll be amazed at what opens up for you.

Word of the hour for you: music

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Hey! It’s me! I rode the short bus!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, May 15, 2013.   Happy Birthday to SweetBreadStudios, which (who?  (what?)) turns twenty-four today, right  here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, practically in Our very Own neighborhood.  Call Us; We’re avant garde.  Also, We pop out at parties, and are unpoopular.

Speaking of avant garde, here is a free gift for all you Fringe wannabes who have yet to decide on what exactly you’ll be doing in the Fringe:

We had a dream last night in which We were working on several Fringe pieces, one of which was a one-man show entitled Doing Everything My Employer Wants Me To, which was to be a scathing exposé of Our former employer, the EAC (Evil Acquiring Company, for you newbs), and a manifesto as to why We would never want to work in such an environment again. 

Trouble was, We were also working on several other Fringe shows, so We never had time to write the script for Doing Everything… Of course, since there was no script, We could not memorize it, and, since there was no script and We had nothing memorized, We could not rehearse.

Naturally, time, in dreams, being relative (mostly, as near as we can tell, a Great Aunt, on your mother’s side), it was now opening night, and We were expected to go on.  Our theatrical-type Gentle Readers will recognize in this the panic dream of having to go on in a show One does not know.  We, however, were totally unpanicked; We hung up a clock that said 4 o’clock, sat down at a desk onstage, and began to type on a laptop.  When the clock got to 5 o’clock, We stopped typing, shut the laptop, and left the stage.

You’re welcome.

It should also be noted that what We were typing on the laptop?  Was the script for another Fringe show.  Because We’re Just. That. Good.

Speaking of good to the last dropsy:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Meanwhile, We just heard where Will Smith’s 15-year-old son wants to be emancipated.  The jokes just write themselves, don’t they?

And now the HorrorScopes:

How is it that Anna Maria Alberghetti’s birthday still isn’t a national holiday?

In other news, because those Fringe scripts only write themselves in Our dreams, here, instead of Kelli’s blatherings, is this:

THE PRESIDENT’S CHALLENGE ADULT FITNESS TEST RECONSIDERS ITS AUDIENCE.

Lie down in sit-up position. How many slices of ham do you see under your couch?

Get in position for the sit-and-reach. Can you get back up, or are you pretty much down there until the FedEx guy comes by again?

Can you drive to work without stopping at Arby’s?

Can you retweet without sweating?

Can you achieve orgasm without thinking about cake?

To your knowledge, have you ever been a major factor in a corporate-level decision about where to build a Bob Evans?

Can you have a heart attack without also having a second heart attack?

Can you sweat without smelling like maple syrup?

Are you carrying bacon on your person? You sure?

Have you ever accepted Crisco as collateral?

Could you fit into a sidecar if you had to?

Do you currently have frosting in your hair?

Is your Blood-Gravy Content lower than, say, 11%?

Have any surgeons given nicknames to your arteries?

Time yourself in a one-mile run. Kidding! What are you, some kind of superman?

Name your five closest friends. Are more than two of them types of cheese?

Have you recently thought about how you should totally sign up for that 10K, but you just got over being sick, and work is super hectic right now, but maybe in the fall?

Have you ever been identified by name in a suicide letter written by a personal trainer?

Have you ever voted for a deep fryer in any state or local election?

What is the maximum number of corndogs you have consumed in one sitting, and Jesus, really?

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

They want you, they want you, they want you as a new recruit

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinzDee, July 18, 2012. Happy birthday to Ted, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Beth, who also turns twenty-four today.   Neither of them is actually reading this, but then, who is?  Also also, happy Hump Day to the rest of you, although We are fairly certain that it is too hot to hump.  (“Too Hot to Hump” was, of course, Cole Porter’s original title for the song “Too Darn Hot” from Kiss Me, Kate.  (Kiss Me, Kate was, of course, originally titled Bend Over, Bitch.  It was based on Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew, which was originally entitled Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In Your Vagina In The Mo-o-o-rning. (It is a little-known fact that Shakespeare actually coined the word “vagina”.)))

Just a little Broadway history to brighten up your day.  We apologize for  our absence yesterday, but We were busy collecting and entertaining The Sainted Mother, who stopped by The City Of Brotherly Love Handles en route to Annapolis, where she will be auditioning midshipmen for the Altoona Community Theatre production of Dames At Sea. Yes, ladies and genitals, the entire 2012 graduating class of the US Naval Academy, in drag as Bernadette Peters, tap dancing to “I Can’t Dance, Don’t Ask Me (Or Tell Me)”.

Speaking of famous people, on Our way to collect The Sainted Mother yesterday, We saw that lady who couldn’t be bothered to finish being Governor of Alaska on the subway.  We have sworn never to utter her name in these pages, but you know who We mean…she’s the one John McCain thought was a better running mate than Mitt Romney.  Fittingly, she was on the subway going in the opposite direction from Us.  Meanwhile, today on the subway, We rode in the very same car with Justin Bieber.  He didn’t even deign to speak to Us, despite having once appeared in a  video with Us:

Apropos of nothing, here is Our Pasta Puttanesca recipe.  (Pasta Puttanesca actually means “whore-style pasta”, so perhaps it’s not literally apropos of nothing.)

Olive oil for sautéing

6 cloves of garlic, chopped

One 2 oz. can of anchovies, including the oil they’re packed in, chopped

One 8  oz. jar of oil-cured black olives, pitted and chopped

One bunch of parsley, chopped stems and leaves separately

One 3.5 oz. container of capers, including the brine they’re packed in

Two 15 oz. cans of diced tomatoes

Oregano, to taste

Crushed red pepper seeds, to taste

One pound of whole wheat pasta (spaghetti, linguini, fettuccini, etc.)

Shredded parmesan or Romano cheese

(Please note that none of the amounts in this recipe are gospel.)

In a deeper-than-just-a-frying-pan pan (so you wind up with less of a mess), heat enough olive oil to cover the bottom of the pan, plus the oil the anchovies were packed in, to shimmering.  Stir in chopped garlic, at least six cloves, but more is better.  Once that starts to stink, throw in the anchovies.  Once you can smell them both equally, add the olives, followed by the parsley stems (save the leaves for later).  When the parsley stems are cooked, add the capers and their brine.  Once the brine has evaporated, add the tomatoes, oregano, and crushed red pepper.  Cover and simmer  for at least half an hour, but really, as long as you want (you can also make the sauce ahead of time and reheat it while the pasta boils).

Boil the pasta according to package directions.  After it is drained, toss with the hot sauce to coat.  Just before serving, throw the parsley leaves all over the top.  Pass with parmesan or Romano (We use Romano, because it’s more flavorful.  And whore-y.) cheese.

Serves 4 as an entrée, 8 as a side, or Anna Maria Alberghetti

                                                                              

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You’re heading home in one way or another. (We are home.  Pay attention.)

You may be on your way to a reunion, (Oh, lookee there:  blind pig found an acorn.)

or you may just be finding a place that is more comfortable and will work better for you in the long run.  (All things considered, We are fairly comfortable right now.)

If there’s a party coming up, (Perhaps that pig is only pretending to be blind.)

make sure that you are one of the first people to arrive — and don’t forget to wear your dancing shoes!  (Trust Us, nobody needs to see that.)

You need to boost your energy into high gear, (So have a big ol’ heaping helping of Whore Pasta.  (“Heaping helping” made Us think, for some reason, of Hamburger Helper™.  Which, to the best of Our knowledge, does not have a Whore Pasta flavor. (It also occurs to Us that, in a world where Hamburger Helper™ Whore Pasta exists, Stove Top Stuffing would be a pastime instead of a food.)))

(Ba-DUMP-bump.  ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, Don’tForgetToTipYourWaiter, and TryTheVeal.)

(Also, don’t forget to tip your waiter’s cow.)

and dancing the night away will be the perfect way to do it. (Would you suggest, then, that We should be twisting the night away?)

Even if you feel the need to hibernate at home, (As opposed, presumably, to hibernating in other people’s homes, which would be peculiar to say the least.)

it will be wise for you to get out into the world tonight. (Or have some whores over and make pasta.)

Give yourself an hour or two in the presence of fun people, and your mood should swing in an exuberant direction.  (Exuberant.  Day-um!)

Even if you don’t do things right the first time, you don’t have to always hit the reset relationship button. (Wait…there’s a button for that?)

You can still learn from your past mishaps in love. (You say “mishaps”; We say “midshipmen”…)

Be aware of what worked and what didn’t. (Well, the Anna Maria Alberghetti joke totally didn’t.)

Patterns reveal plenty. (What about slatterns?  What do they reveal?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.