Keeping your head above water, making a wave when you can

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, June 25, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Forrest, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  And who also, One would imagine, cannot be seen for the trees.  Invisibility…nice trick if you can pull it off.

Naturally, because We are We (and We We We all the way home), We are sitting here wondering why the name Forrest has two Rs, while the forest with trees in it has only one.  And We can’t even Google it on Wikipedia, because We can’t think of an intelligent way to phrase the question.  Also, We are afraid that Google’s answer would be something along the lines of, “The world is going to hell in a handbag, and THIS is what you’re worried about?  Wanker.”

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Cammy, and Chris, and Dusty, and Mark, and OurAmericanCousin Sherry, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend, some of them in faraway places with strange-sounding names, but none of them, presumably, invisibly.

As you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.  

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

Meanwhile, in other news, shortly after We posted yesterday’s episode, somewhere around noon, Our computer started doing an automatic Windows update.  (Are there three more frightening words in the Engrish ranguage?  (Well, perhaps McDonna’s anal bleaching.))  Naturally, We very shortly found Ourself completely unable to compute (and computely unable to complete), without any WorldWideInterWebNetz to Our name. The next eight hours (and no, We are NOT exaggerating, as We’ve told you a million times) were spent in one of Our favorite pastimes, which We like to call Amusing The Dotheads From Dell.  We shall spare you the soul-sucking details, but We were particularly enamored of the one who abandoned Us after the first four hours to “consult with my supervisor and call you back in two or three minutes”.  When We called back twenty minutes later, Indira Gandhi asked Us if We knew his name.  Now, he had told Us his name at the beginning, four hours prior, and it sounded like the noise you might make if you had accidentally swallowed a spoiled raw shrimp that had been sitting on a cowpie in the sun for a week. 

(That there was a little werd pixture We painted just for Our Gentle Readers.  Because We’re poetical like that.)

After his first mention of his name, however, he referred to himself subsequently as “Victor”.  “Oh,” sez Indira, “that must be his alias.” Thereby blatantly admitting that not only have these people stolen all of Our jobs, but they are sitting on their rotary telephones in Oh Calcutta blatantly lying to Us.

But enough about that.  You don’t care about Our pain.  Plus, it just occurred to Us that, when We say “Indira Gandhi”, We are actually picturing Golda Meir.  In a sorry.  And We’re not even sari about it.

And now the HorrorScopes:

Celebrity-wise, today is the birthday of both Jimmie Walker and June Lockhart.  And if THAT isn’t a remake of Driving Miss Daisy just crying out to be made, We don’t know what is.

In still other news, We are having birthday cake for breakfast.  Because We can.

You encounter a new idea or person this morning that fills you with hope and excitement.  (We sat on the phone in OurHouseWhereWeLive in Our bathrobe for eight hours yesterday, and consumed nothing but iced coffee.  Two thunderstorms came and went.  At this point, opening Our front door would fill Us with hope and excitement.)

It may relate to love, work, travel or almost anything, (Way to narrow it the fuck down.  Asshat.)

but it definitely inspires you to make a change.  (We are wearing Our Tuesday panties.  Of course, We are ALWAYS wearing Our Tuesday panties.  That way, We’re right once a week.)

When you are working in a group today, (Bite your damn tongue.)

you should experiment with the idea of holding back your thoughts. (Well, better your thoughts than your farts.  If you hold back your farts, you could ‘splode.)

Let others figure it out and argue back and forth, while you sit on the sidelines. (Or the landmines.  (Have We (dare We say it?) a fart theme developing?  A fart motif, if you will?  (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)  A fart motif being not unlike a leitmotif.  Which, of course, in the case of farts, is actually (wait for it) a light-your-farts-motif.))

(Ah, potty humor.  It’s my potty, and I’ll fart if I want to, fart if I want to, fart if I want to…)

(Sari.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ has put a little green squiggle under the third “fart” in the sentence before “Sari”, as it would like to suggest that We change it to “and fart”.  Here a fart, there a fart, everywhere a fart-fart…)

Observe how they come to a not-so satisfying solution — and then add your brilliant ideas to the mix. (A whole bunch of fart jokes, and a pie fight.  How could you go wrong?)

Watching these people work together serves as a cautionary tale: it’s a good lesson how not to collaborate. (“Co” being the prefix that means “in conjunction with”, what the hell is “llaborate”?)

Your energy is going to be quiet all day.  (Silent butt deadly.)

You’re the one with the plan, (A man, a plan, anal sex, Panama.)

(What does that even MEAN?)

and your love life is where it’s at. (Speaking of invisibility…)

(See how We did that callback thingie to a joke from all the way at the beginning?  But We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)

What active steps should you take to hook up with new folks? (Hire a hooker with a hookah?)

How should you expand your circle of social connections?  (Aren’t you supposed to be ANSWERING Our questions, Kelli?  What the hell kind of Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) are you?)

In gaseousness (Heh.),

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Teardrops… rolling down on my face

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?

Ah, ‘tis a grand morning for singin’, innit?  Kiss Us quick, We’re Mick Jagger. (As an aside (parenthetically, that is (hence the parentheses)), We are guessing that “kiss” and “quick” don’t go together in the same sentence with “Mick Jagger”.  (Not that We intend to give that prolonged thought.  (Where’s the mental floss?)))

Ooops…We got so excited singing The Stones that We forgot to say it’s April 16rd, 2013, and Happy Birthday to Kevin, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Kevin is one of the actors who play Our Son The Hipster in the murder mystery in which We currently find Ourself, and is well worth the price of admission for his skinny jeans alone, in addition to being amazingly funny and talented.  We’re not sayin’ nothin’, We’re just sayin’, Our BabyDaddy must have had some seriously good jeans.

Of course, the casting is ridiculous, as both We and Kevin are twenty-four, but surely you can suspend your disbelief; yes, We just called you Shirley, and when are you coming?

Meanwhile, speaking of “If-Helen-Keller-falls-down-in-a-forest-is-there-sound?”, all that blast from the past action yesterday, and We hear almost nothing from YouPeople?  Is this thing on?

Speaking of “Is that a Pabst™ Blue Ribbon in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?”, here is the link with which you will share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosy Starfish, for comparison:

Speaking of speaking of things, here come the HorrorScopes.  But first, it came to Our attention via Twatter that it is Jon Cryer’s birthday.  Upon (a brief) investigation, We learned that his show, Two and a Half Men, has been on the air for TEN YEARS.  We think We can all shut the fuck up in the “what’s wrong with this country” debate as of right now.

You are not feeling your best today  (Not feeling Our best WHAT?  Or, alternatively, if We’re not feeling OUR best, whose are we feeling?)

— but that’s okay! (Also, gosh darn it, people like Us.)

You can still get things done and even have a good time without worrying about knocking anyone’s socks off (Why would you imagine that We would want to knock anyone’s socks off?  Do you think We have a foot fetish?)

with your wit or prowess.  (Yeah.  THERE’S a way to win friends and influence people…invite ‘em over, then immediately start trying to knock their socks off by hitting them with your prowess.)

In order to get a lot done today like you want to, you’re going to have to learn how to say no. (No We aren’t.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Okay, did your seeing eye dog see what We did there?)

(What’s that, Lassie?  Timmy fell down the well?  Again?  Is that boy retarded?)

(We’ll take “Things June Lockhart Thought But Never Said Out Loud” for $500, Alex.)

Stop worrying so much about staying social — accepting every invitation that comes your way might be a great way to stay busy,  (You’re joking, right?)

but it’s also an effective way of driving yourself nuts!  (Oh, please.  To drive Oneself nuts, One has barely to put the key in the ignition.)

Is there some reason that you’re avoiding alone time?  (The voices in Our head told Us We are not alone?)

Think about it. (Okay, we’ll think about it.  It usually has an antecedent.  The end.)

Clearing up your schedule doesn’t have to be difficult if you make sure it’s not so crowded in the first place!  (Apparently, We are several steps ahead of you.)

They may be nothing more than feelings, (Whoa---whoa---whoa…who the hell let Morris Albert in here?)

(We had to look it up, too.  We thought it was Barry Manilow, but it wasn’t.)

but they are pretty darned potent right now. (“Darned potent” would seem to be an oxymoron.  Kelli, on the other hand, would seem to be a regular moron.)

 But taking action when you’re this riled up can be difficult at best. (You think We’re riled up today, just wait till tomorrow.)

Find some other way to get them out.  (You’ve tried scrubbing, you’ve tried soaking…and still you get “Ring around Uranus!  Ring around Uranus!”)

(We are supposed to be working on Our one-woman Starzina show.  How many Uranus jokes can one woman tell?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Doodle-ee-doo

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WhenceDay, April 18rd, 2012.  Happy birthday to Marilyn, aka Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Matt, who also turns twenty-four today.  We are not personally acquainted with said Matt, but one of Our avid supporters whose avid support has earned her a lot of pull around these parts (hi, Dena!) asked Us to wish him a happy birthday, and so We are.

We are off to a rather slow start this morning, now that We Our Own Self Personally have turned twenty-four.  Thanks to everyone who expressed their well-wishes yesterday; We had no idea that so many people wished We would fall down a well.  (There is a half-witted boy named Timmy down here, and it smells like dog poop. (We would tell a June Lockhart joke, but We can’t think of one.  And what the hell is a June Lockhart joke, anyway? (Heh.  We were just re-reading this, and it occurred to Us that a June Lockhart joke would start out: “Lock-hart.”  “Who’s there?”  Please have Us committed at once.))

In the midst of all the other well-wishing, We were called “darling” by a lovely, apple-cheeked str8 boi, and by “apple-cheeked” We mean (A.) all four of them and (2.) Red Delicious.  We were also referred to as “birthday boy” by another lovely str8 boi who is young enough to be Our…much younger younger brother.  And then We had a lovely dinner at Tequilas, where We understood not a a single word that the waiter said, and yet were able to order a perfectly lovely dinner and drinks anyway.  So all in all, a very good day.

(Ordinarily, it would occur to Us at this juncture to muse upon what exactly “all in all” is meat to signify, but, really, We can’t be arsed.)

In other news, as We have mentioned several times already, the very talented gentlemen over at Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die are just moments away from the deadline of their KickStarter, so, if you haven’t yet donated, you should.  They have also made a second video, in which they share more behind-the-scenes (heh…she said “behind”) info about the project:

In still other news, We wrote the script for Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: TAURUS video over the weekend, and will be finishing it up for a shoot later this week.  This will mark the completion of the series of the twelve signs of the zodiac, and will give you all an even dozen of Our accomplishments to resoundingly ignore.  Here, for example, is the current video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: ARIES, which you will no doubt neither watch yourselves, nor share on your friends SitOnMyFaceBook pages: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Not only are We off to a slow start, We also apparently have the attention span of a brain-damaged housefly.  Oh, look, InterNetz!

Aaaaaannnndddd here’s a HorrorScope:

(Today is apparently also Conan O’Brien’s birthday.  Speaking of brain-damage, what kind of parents say, “We shall name the baby ‘Conan’”?  Also, apropos of nothing, We just learned that June Lockhart is still alive.  We had no idea.)

 A clue comes in a dream, and you would do well to pay careful attention to it. (Good lord.  With the dreams We have, that’s like saying there’s a clue in a microdot under a letter in some volume from some year of the Encyclopedia Brittanica.)

(Note to fellow bloggers:  use up your Encyclopedia Brittanica jokes now, because the next generation won’t even know what it is.(What, you don’t have a stack of index cards with encyclopedia Brittanca jokes on them?))

That could mean noting it down in a scratch pad by the bed (Do yourself a favor…use a scratch Maxi pad.)

or just playing every hunch that comes your way.  (Alternatively, playing every OTHER hunchback that comes your way.  While tossing dwarves in between.)

Even if novels aren’t quite your cup of tea, flipping through some books on the bestseller shelf or looking through a short story collection could give you a brand new idea about how to handle a real life problem.   (Mmm-hmm.  We read The Help, but that doesn’t mean We got any.  (Help, that is.  (Well, or “any”, either.)))

There is a lot of inspiration in creative expressions, (But no expiration in creative impressions.)

especially those that encapsulate (All together now: “en-KAP-syoo-ull-ate”.  (That was a little WaitStaff inside joke, which demonstrates, amongst other things, how it is a miracle that We are EVER funny.))

one special idea and convey it in a way you have never considered before. (Why is it that not having considered something doesn’t necessarily make One inconsiderate?)

(Engrish is funny.)

Often, mysterious feelings (Is that like The Bad Touch?  Show Us on the doll where the priest mysterious feelingsed you.)

can be better understood if you can see them from a more dramatic point of view.  (Once more, dear friends, into your breeches…)

How’s your karma? (Chameleonesque, thanks.  Yours?)

By paying a good deed forward you can inspire others to do something selfless that helps another person in need.  (How ‘bout We inspire everyone who’s reading this to send Us a couple hundred bucks?)

Your actions will impress someone worthy of your attention.  (Really?  When?  Because it is taking Us a really long time to become an overnight success.)

  And have We mentioned Our latest video?  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.