Precious and few are the moments we toucans share

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, July 25^nd, 2014.

Happy birthday to Michael (no, not THAT Michael), who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy birthday also to Joe (no, not THAT Joe), who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Happy birthday too to (heh…she said “tutu”) Eric (no, not THAT Eric), who too turns twenty-four today in Washington AC/DC.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, happy birthday to Sutton (yes, THAT Sutton) who turns twenty-four today wherever she damn well pleases.

We have Precious Little else today (Precious Little being, naturally, much like Chicken Little, except played by a large black woman).  However, as We have spent several days telling you what to do with your money (i.e. contribute to this indiegogo (don’t imagine that We’re going to redundantly repeat and reiterate so you can mock Us mockingly like tequila mockingbird):  

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/two-street

…We thought it only reasonable to mention that We have just discovered that OurSistahOvella’s Fringe show is also fundraising, which see here: 

http://www.gofundme.com/bent-philly-fringe  

She will be appearing in Bent, (which was one of Richard Gere’s first claims to fame, waywayback in the WayBackMachine), because, unlike Our Own Self, she is a Serious Thespian whose panties always know what day it is.

Of course, if neither of those endeavors seem like something to which you would contribute your money, please feel free to stuff a whole bunch of it into a big fat envelope and send it to Us.

We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: 

http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo

In celebrity birthday news, if Walter Brennan were (subjunctively) still alive, he’d be a hundred and twenty years old.  He is, however, dead.

An older relative is making trouble for you — but there’s good news, too!  (The GOOD news being that the only person who is actually older than We FEEL is Walter Brennan.  And, as he is dead, how much trouble can he make?)

(Wait…is Zombie Walter Brennan Slash Fiction a thing?)

You may find that you’ve got what it takes to turn their attitude all the way around. (We got the latitude to turn they attitudes into platitudes while We sayin’ The Beatitudes.)

(That was not unlike rap.  (As performed by crazy white people.  (With no rhythm.  (And learning disabilities.))))

Just go easy at first.  (NO ONE is easier than We are.  It’s just that no one ever gives Us the chance to prove it.)

Your plans may not go off exactly as you’d expected — in fact, they probably can’t. (Our pants, however, will come off promptly.  And Our panties say “Tuesday”.)

All you can really count on for a while is that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong — at least as far as communication goes. (Dass wut happens when the mercury goes centigrade.)

(The comedy in here has so many layers, it’s like an onion.  In a layer cake.  In Dante’s Inferno.)

 It may feel personal, but it’s really, truly universal. (Get it?  “Universal”…as in, “in the universe”.  As opposed to “Personal”…as in, “in your purse”.)

Fortunately, if anyone is good at coming up with a Plan B, or C or even D at a moment’s notice, it’s certainly you.  (Plan B is a pill.  Which eliminates the need for Plan A, which is an abortion.)

(You’re welcome.)

Your adventurous side may have a bit of a damper on it, (Well, it wouldn’t be very adventurous if it had a Pampers™ on it, now, would it?)

but there’s no need to force it. (In keeping with the earlier distinction between “universal” and “personal”, what the little AssHatt MEANS is, “there’s no need to get forcenal”.)

(Fortunately, We ALWAYS have a need to get farcical.)

Feel free to cancel your plans with friends or reschedule that hot date. (If you reschedule a hot date, doesn’t it cool off?)

Your intuition’s on, so don’t ignore it.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Don’t trust a ho, never trust a ho, won't trust a ho.

Greetings, Exxon Recently Introduced Carbonation---


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, January 28, 2010 (Even though Our days drip one after the other like identical beads of sweat down a h00ker’s @sscr@ck, We are well aware that this is one of Those Thursdays when it should be Friday already. (Parenthetically, how it is that We have yet to be named Poet Laureate is beyond Our ken. (Whoever the h3ll Ken is. We really don’t have time for the anatomically incorrect.))):


(Here is this. It is safe for work. We were going to put it here in its entirety, but it is really long. Naturally, We realize that just about as many of you will click this link as responded to Our request that you help Us out by clicking an ad yesterday, but, hey. We do what We can. http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slacktivist/2010/01/stop-demanding-that-you-get-screwed.html )


(In case you’re wondering where We find some of the delectable tidbits We include here for your pleasurable perusal (including many of the pictures that adorn Our masthead (did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us.)), We were introduced to The Wonderful World Of Google Reader™ by OurKevin, which is just one of the many reasons why We love him. Now, We are not going to try to sell anyone on Google…believe Us when We tell you that We do not find it particularly friendly, and many aspects of it are downright counterintuitive (which you would think would be the same thing as counterintelligence, but you would be wrong). However, the ability to tailor-make your own online “magazine” of columns you want to read on a regular basis (Eric’s Daily Horoscope leaps to mind as an example) is a beautiful thing. (Also a beautiful thing is how OurShaun manages to have Our scribblings emailed to him as they are published, all the way over in London. England. Which is across the Atlantic. Ocean. We can only imagine a Seahorse Pony Express that traverses the WorldWideInterWebNetzian tubes on the ocean floor at quite a gallop to make that little bit of magic Johnson…er, happen. (How’d that Johnson get in there, Howard?)))


(We ended that last paragraph with a creative burst of existential humor because We feared it may have been becoming a leetle too technical for all y’all, what with the seahorses and the tubes and whatnot. Also, We were a little taken aback (which is, oddly, similar to being affronted (Engrish is clazy)) that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t believe in the plural “scribblings”, thereby crushing Our hopes that Bill Gates has Eric’s Daily Horoscope programmed into his Google Reader™.)


(You say “Wh0re!” We say “Scope™!” (In keeping with the “h00ker’s @sscr@ck” theme that We began developing earlier. (Hey, if We can’t be Poet Laureate, perhaps We can snag Ourself a Pulitzer for LitterAtchure. (Those of you who are imagining alternative uses that a wh0re might have for Scope™, please get your minds out of the gutter and attempt to follow the bouncing ballz as We begin Our-O-Scope.))))


The Full Moon this weekend in your 5th house of fun (Wait a minute…We have FIVE funhouses? What the fu(k are We still doing here then?)


suggests that there is likely to be some kind of tug of war going on in your heart (There is also a three-legged race in Our pants. Or maybe We’re just happy to see you.)


- you have hopes and dreams that you know you have to work hard to make come true. (A dream is a wish your heart makes. Also, ice cream is a dish Moss Hart bakes.)


(You say “non sequitur”; We say “umbrella”.)


But you also wish you could have more fun. (Oh, please. We wish We could have any fun.)


For some, a child/creative project/romance will be demanding your attention (What the fu(k is this, a multiple choice Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulation)? Jeebus!)


when you know you really ought to be doing what you can to achieve your aims. (Also, to alleviate your alms, to ascribe your arms, and to archive Uranus.)


Also this month, you could find that your wider social circle takes a back seat, (Was that a fat joke? We’re pretty sure that sounded like a fat joke.)


as you focus on one person - most likely a romantic partner or prospect. (Which, We sincerely hope, is different from a prospector. Who, you will recall from cartoons, mostly have dirty beards, funny hats, and a less-than-full complement of teeth. They mostly serve as comic relief, and are completely unsuitable as the aforementioned “romantic partner”, although they may serve as sidekick to same.)


(Did We mention that the “romantic partner” in this particular cartoon is wearing @ssless chaps? (Hey, it’s Our cartoon. (Meanwhile, it was recently brought to Our attention that the phrase “@ssless chaps” is redundant. But that’s kind of okay with Us.)))


Depending on your personal cycles, (Uni? Motor? Menstrual?)


a creative project could be planted now - or come to fruition. (That’s what We need, is a fruity creative project. Quick, get Us six feather boas and a banana daiquiri!)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…manly, yes, but I like it, too.)