Wok like an Egyptian

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for …oh, wait, it’s only Wednesday?  So if We call it Thursday, people are gonna get confused?  Okay….

Happy Hump Day to all you dreary dromedaries and backwards bactrians out there in Hump-Hump Land.

A poem:

The one-humped camel, he’s a mammal

The two-humped camel, he’s a mammal…

…also.

Poetry is hard.

Go fuck yerself.

Happy HumpDay Birthday, meanwhile, to John.  Unlike most people who birthdays are celebrated in the hallowed pages of these e-pisstles, John is NOT turning twenty-four today.  We would tell you just how very young he is, but then We would have to go hang Ourself in the closet.  Suffice it to say, We have panties older than he is.  They say “Ye Olde Tuesday” on the front.  They’re like the Shroud of Turin, except instead of Jesus’s face, they’ve got Miss Havisham’s.  Or The Ghost Of Christmas Past.  One of those.  They are made out of cobwebs spun by a spider from King Tut’s tomb.

Sigh.

In other news, We neglected to mention in yesterday’s e-pissode that a SitOnOurFaceBook friend had informed everyone that it was only 128 days until Spring.  So today, it’s only 127 days.  So there’s that.

In case We haven’t been clear enough, We are not doing especially well with this year’s transition into Eternal Darkness And Nuclear Winter.  And the folks who are ignoring Our texts and emails aren’t helping any.  KThxBye.

We should also mention, lest you thought We were finished plugging Ourself (We HAVE to plug Ourself…no one else will) that LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  is actually going on tour!  We shall be at Vagabond Acting Troupe’s Arts House Theater, somewhere called Honey Boo Boo, Pennsylvania, which, as near as We can tell from a map, appears to be in Amish country.  You can find all the particulars regarding Our gig next Sunday, November 17, here: 

https://www.facebook.com/events/596376880428754/ .

Is Starzina gonna rock Zebediah’s Rumspringa, or what?

And now, the HorrorScope:

Well, One supposes that things can’t be ALL bad on Whoopi Goldberg’s birthday.

Something new pops up on your radar (Do you pop out at parties?  Are you unpoopular?)

and forces you to take notice.  (See, if Kelli The AssHatt had an editor, that sentence would be SOOOO much more interesting, because it would read, “Something nude pops up on your radar and forces you to take nudists.”)

You may find that you’re in the middle (Just call Us Malcolm.  In the Middle.  Or Angel.  Of the Morning.  One of those.)

of a new adventure before you even realize what led up to this exciting moment!   (You can tell it’s an exciting!  Moment!  Because there’s an exclamation! Point! There for no reason!)

(Shut! Up! Kelli!)

Testy? Cranky? Who, you? (Tinky?  Crusty?  (Hey, YOU name YOUR Seven Dwarves, We’ll name Ours.))

Just because the planet in charge of your sign just so happens to be Mars, the ancient god of war? (Hey, if they called him “Mars, the god of warS”, it would rhyme.)

(Poetry is hard.

Go fuck yerself.)

No way. (Way.)

It’s not that you’re irritable. (Of course not.  It’s just that so many people are working overtime to piss Us the fuck off.)

It’s just that ‘the opponents’ — those of us who happen to inhabit the extra space in your world — are just so darned uncooperative. (ExACTly.)

Don’t take any guff from these intruders. (Oh, great.  Now where are We supposed to get guff?)

Put ’em right in their place.  (Well, if We can do that, why can’t We at least take HALF of their guff?)

Being a downer turns off those around you, so turn it around into a frenzy of positive energy. (Mmm-hmm.  Because nothing equates to positivity like “a frenzy”.)

Concentrate on some big project you’re actually thrilled to take part in, and let your enthusiasm light the way.  (It’s like They say, “It’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.”)

(On the other hand…fucking darkness.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I sold my soul to rock and roll

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedEgg, November 2, 2012.  Happy All Souls Day to any of Our Gentle Readers who have yet to sell their souls.  Izzit just Us, or if you say “All Souls” real fast, does it sound like a Chinaman saying, “Ah, so”?  Or, as a stretch, “Asshole”?

But fear not, Our brethren and cisterns, after yesterday’s anal bleaching Uranus fest, We have no intention of any more rooting about in anyone’s nether regions for humor today.

Who let all those chirping crickets in here all of a sudden?

This just in from everyone’s favorite news source, The Onion. This story goes out to Jill, whose impending nuptials are next weekend in Atlantic City.  (Also, she’s getting married.): "We still have quite a way to go before Atlantic City is once again a fully operational destroyer of marriages." 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/atlantic-city-faces-long-recovery-before-it-can-st,30207/

As you can see, We’ve clearly got nothin’.  So here are some wildly inappropriate tweets from the TwatterVerse to ensure that you all get every penny of your money’s worth:

Air bags: your car's attempt to cheer you up after an accident by giving you surprise balloons.

If your girl gets mad at you while she's having her period, she's probably just ovary-acting.

Getting stoned and trying to load the dishwasher is like real-life Tetris.

Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite and he's a hero.  I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign, and I'm an asshole?  Really, History?

Does Whoopi Goldberg know her name roughly translates to Sex Jew?

The guy who invented the couch should run for President.  His campaign slogan could be, "Dude, I invented the fucking couch."

Theoretically, you can't complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

There is no straight way to wash a carrot.

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Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is both James Polk and Warren Harding’s birthday today.  How they managed not to make THIS Presidents’ Day is beyond Us.

Arguments break out over almost anything today  (Do not!)

— but you don’t have to take them seriously!  (On Polk and Harding Day?   Oh, yes, you do!)

In fact, you may find that your energy is better spent on reconciliation than on stirring up trouble.  (Well, now that the existence of Our basement-emptying efforts have been validated by a witness other than Ourselves, We intend to spend today and tomorrow returning all of this crap to the dungeon.  So duzzat count as “reconciliation” or “stirring up trouble”? (We are as yet undecided as to whether We shall actually erect (ahem) the Christmas tree, rather than dragging it back down below.  After all, We would be putting it up three weeks from tomorrow anyway.))

The bumpy road you’ve been on for a while is going to get a whole lot smoother today.  (Preparation H™…it’s what’s for dinner.)

(Apparently, all roads lead to Uranus.)

What’s funny is (Not so much this horoscope?)

that while you’ll love the change of pace, (To say nothing of the change of pacemaker.)

(No, really…say NOTHING!)

a part of you is going to miss all of the exciting drama. (Well, We ARE on e-pissode behind (ooops…We said “behind”) on The Young and the Rest Of Us.)

 An easy life can become a boring life, (Which is just a hop, skip, and an orphan away from A Hard Knock Life.  (Your son’ll come out, tomorroooooooooowwww….))

and this is something you understand all too well. (What’s so funny ‘bout pilaf and understanding?)

Just try to enjoy this more peaceful period while it lasts. (Always™.  Have A happy period.)

Don’t wish it were different  (Way to use the subjunctive properly, Kelli!  You GO, gurrrlll!!!)

— because soon enough it will be!  (Whatever will be, will be.  The doctor’s Mar-cus Wel-by…)

(Our baloney has a first name.  Because We sit around talking to lunchmeat.)

This lull in the action will give you a chance to regroup and recharge.  (And possibly regurgitate.)

While this morning may revolve around contemplation of long term goals, tonight is all about right here, right now — and you’re right at the center of the action!  (Actually, tonight We are off to see the current dinner theatre murder mystery at the place which will be buying Our murder mystery script.  Which is a little like putting the condom on after the whore.  (That IS the old saying, innit?  Some of those old sayings are DISGUSTING.))

There’s no time like the present for flirtation! (So inflirt your flirtation devices (ermegerd, flirtertion! (See?  We are hep to all the latest memes.)))

                           

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Unforgettable, that’s what you…who are you again?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, November Twoth, 2011. Happy Old Souls Day to all you old souls out there.  And happy Hump Day, to all you young holes out there.  Nat King Cole was a very old soul, with a very old hole, or three.   He called for his pipe, and he called for some crack, and a bowl of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee™.

Nursery rhymes are stupid.

We are happy (!) to report that, after yesterday’s lamentations, We procrastinated all day about calling someone in to mend Our broken furnace.  Late in the day, We were for some reason inspired to go to the thermostat and turn the heat off, then back on.  Imagine if you will that that actually worked, and We now have heat.  In the evening, We put Our Rent-A-Husband™ scheme into effect, and got Our bathroom tit’s nipple removed; this morning, We Our Own Self Personally reattached said tit and nipple to the ceiling and replaced its bulbs, thereby restoring its titly glow.

All of which causes Us to pause and reflect on several things.  Number One, husbands come cheap.  (Although presumably, sex costs extra.)  And (B.), We shall be composing a Wikipedia entry which begins, “Sir Wilfred Titsnipple was 16^th Century British knight who participated in the fourth, seventh, and ninth Crusades…”

Also, “titly” is apparently not a word, at least according to Micro$oft Weird™, leaving Us to wonder what exactly the adverbial form of “tit” might be.  (We will leave you to wonder what exactly One might need with an adverbial form of “tit”.)  The adjectival form is, of course, “tittish”.

You thought We were going to say “titular”, didn’t you?  Turns out, you’re not psychic.  For more on that concept, go here:

Here is the link with which you can share the preceding with your Scorpio-birthdayed friends, especially the tittish ones:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzWPpMcE_go

Our goodness, that certainly was a whole lotta stuff about tits!  You’re welcome, str8 bois!  And now, without Gerard Depardieu, the HorrorScope:

You hit a new achievement today (We KNOW!  We hadda use a Phillips head screwdriver and everything!  (How weird must it be to have gone down in history with something named after your head?))

— one that you may have been working on for quite some time. (We’re pretty sure that light was screwed up for the better part of a week.)

It’s a good idea to leave the celebrations for another time, though, as things are still quite busy for you!  (One wonders just exactly how One is expected to celebrate Changing A Light Bulb.  How, for example, did they celebrate such a thing in Ancient Greece, or Rome?   Did the early Christians appropriate some pagan light-bulb-changing festival into their liturgy?  Is the fact that Hanukkah is also known as the Festival of Lights of any relevance here?)

(We are NOT, you understand, just a pretty face.)

(Speaking of pretty, We saw an ad on the WorldWideInterWebNetz for some gym/fitness center that said, “Tired of being fat and ugly?  Join Our Gym, and just be ugly.”)

It’s wonderful that you’ve got a new goal, (Are you patronizing Us?  Don’t you take that tone with Us, Missy.)

and the stars say that you need to start working on it as soon as possible if you ever want to attain it. (We’ll take Whoopi Goldberg to block.)

The clock is ticking, (And the cock is dicking.  (We have no idea.  That sort of just sprang forth fully formed, much like Athena from Zeus’s forehead.  Which, now that We think of it, must have come as quite a surprise to Zeus, to have a fully formed person spring forth from your forehead.  Good thing he was God and all, or he might just have keeled over from the shock.  Perhaps that’s why they ultimately had to put in a replacement God…old Zeus was probably never quite the same after that.))

(Religion and tits, tits and religion…never a dull moment here at Erix Daily Horoscope.)

and you have got your work cut out for you.  (What does that even mean?  If you’ve got your work cut out for you, that means someone’s already done some of the work, i.e. the cutting part.  And wooden shoe rather have a job where some of the work has already been done?)

To get the help you need, find a few likeminded people who share your hopes and dreams.  (How frightened would you all be if We could find a few “likeminded” people?)

They’ll provide the moral support you need in order to go the distance.  (It’d be much more fun if they’d provide the immoral support.  Not to mention the immoral support hose.  (No, really…don’t mention them.))

Often, the best way to show yourself how capable you are is to let other people remind you.  (Actually, the best way to show yourself how capable you are is to let other people do the work for you.)

 What do you see when you think of your dating future (Hang on a sec while We scratch Our crystal balls.)

— a long line of losers or a soulmate worthy of wooing? (Must We do EVERYTHING for you?  If you’re gonna alliterate, alliterate, ya illiterate bitch.  It should be “long line of losers, or a winner worth wooing”.  Jeebus.)

Think carefully about who you really need as a partner instead of settling for the first person who asks you out.  (Oddly enough, We had a dream about that very thing the other night.  And no, We can’t tell you who was in it.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.