Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (For that “not-so-fresh” feeling…),
June 12st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Seth, who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
We have precious little to report today…no
candy penises (penii?), no fillum festivals, no epic nuclear poops at the
Barnes & Noble, no rock-and-roll numbers in which We hump the stage…
Sorry…Our needle got stuck.
Never, however, let it be said that having
nothing to say will stop Us from talking.
First and Formsoa, We are murder-mysterying
tomorrow…on Friday The Thirteenth (dun-dun-DUN). Is anyone interested in discount tickets to
same? We can get you $20 tickets for a
four-course dinner and the show (drinks and gratuity not included). See description here: http://www.bistroromano.com/mystery-theatre/ and get at Us if you wanna come.
Seconal, OurAmericanCousin Kelly (not to be
confused with Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) (and all-around AssHatt) Kelli
(you can tell the names apart because AssHatted AssHo Kelli’s name ends in an “I”.
Which is dotted with a smiley face.
Except the smiley face has crossed eyes, and looks like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump)) sent Us an ad this
morning in which marshmallows were roasted, hollowed out, and filled with shots
of Kahlua™. We countered that amaretto or Frangelico™ would probably also be
good, and a subsequent source suggested Baileys™.
Unfortunately, the only info We have is what
appears to be a Kahlua™ ad, with a picture-perfect picture of the result (which
see: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/82120393180477856/
), with no step-by-step instructions on how to accomplish same without involving
One’s local fire department.
So, Gentle Readers, have you ever roasted
marshmallows in your home, presumably in your oven, in some way that would be
controlled enough to achieve these results?
Leave Us comments…
ThurstonHowellTheThird, We find Ourselves
(not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of
Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may
share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js
))).
A random
WorldWideInterWebNetzian headline: Celebrity Crotch
Sniffer Vitalii Sediuk Sports Brad Pitt Tank Top For Community Service
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first
Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made. Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that
get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
Meanwhile, from The Celebrities Whom No One
Knew Were Still Alive And Who Are Having Birthdays Today: Jim Nabors.
And Vic Damone.
Cultural inspiration is coming your way. (Oh, good…bring on the marshmallow makers from
Madagascar and Mozambique…)
It could be artistic or literary or almost
anything else, but you should be able to weave some new threads into your
tapestry by the end of the day. (Kiss Us
quick, We’re Carole King.)
(That was a joke for the old folks.)
(We DO mean Carole King and not Carly Simon,
don’t We?)
It might do you some good today to step back
from your crowd of friends (Yeah, it’s crowded alright.)
and look at things from an outsider’s
perspective. (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)
(That was a joke for the less-old folks. And the nerds. And people who like jokes that aren’t funny.)
You’ll finally see things as they truly are,
(You’ll shoot your eye out, you’ll shoot your eye out…)
which
will either reinforce what you were hoping for (Hedwig tickets?)
(You thought We forgot about that, didn’t’cha? But We?
Have a mind like a steel sieve.)
— or
make you feel like big changes are in order. (Alphabetical order? Or order of height?)
If it’s the latter, don’t be alarmed. (If it’s
the Latter Day Saints, on the other hand, pray that it’s Wes Ramsey and Steve
Sandvoss.)
(That was a joke for The Gays. Of all ages.)
Do what feels right, (Alrighty, then…Wes
Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss, here We GO!)
and don’t shy away from explaining yourself. (Yeah. ‘Cause
We are so frequently at a loss for words.)
People respect the truth, (You can’t handle
the truth!)
and they’ll respect you for speaking it. (And Aretha Franklin for singing it.)
(Another joke for the old folks. Who may or may not be black. But who definitely like The Jokes That Aren’t
Funny.)
You’re ready to learn all about someone new,
but if they’re somewhat retiring, they might feel overwhelmed. (If they’re retiring, aren’t they more likely old
than new? Just sayin’.)
Watch for clues about their comfort zone, and
make sure communication goes both ways.
(Doesn’t communication BY DEFINITION go both ways? AssHatted AssHo.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
