Everything’s up to date in Kansas City

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMaxFactorMonday, June 17rd, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Pete, The Artist Formerly Known As Bo Peep, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Messapotamia who also turns twenty-four today, either somewhere in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back or else possibly in The Fertile Crescent.  Which is between The Tigris and The Euphrates.  And which is also where One eats The Fertile Crescent Rolls.  Don’t ask Us difficult questions; We are Geographically Challenged.  On which subject, more later.

(Even though We know that The Euphrates is a river, from schoolday lessons about The Beginning Of Civilization (which were, of course, nonsense, Civilization having clearly begun at The Algonquin Hotel in New York City sometime in the 1920s or 30s), We cannot help but think that long-time Gentle Readers will imagine Euphrates as a cousin of MyBus riders Sucretia and Epiphany.  Ah, The Bad Old Days.)

In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to Nick, and to Rob, and to Jessica, each of whom turned twenty-four over this past weekend.

And here, with his very own Happy Belated Birthday paragraph, because that’s just the kind of Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) We are, is Michael, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, and to whom We also wish a Happy Belated Birthday, and who really needs to become famous a lot faster so he can pay Us to destroy every existing copy of this video:

Before We begin The E-Pissode Proper (or should that be IMproper?), We would just like to share with you this little tidbit from the WorldWideInterWebNetz concerning Dame Judi Dench that We found on SitOnOurFaceBook this morning: http://groupthink.jezebel.com/tonight-in-things-i-did-not-know-before-513650758  (Lest you think We just share things indiscriminately to take up space, We shall NOT be sharing something called “Tips For Triathalon Training In Hot Weather”, which We also saw on SitOnOurFaceBook this morning.  You’re welcome.)

And now, Today’s E-Pisstle To The E-Phesians (With A-Phasia (Aphasia…another cousin of Sucretia, Epiphany, and Euphrates, yes?)):

Many of Our Gentle Readers were no doubt wondering why they had nothing to nakedly skim on Friday.  Permit Us to e-nlighten you.  We were off off off We were off to Kansas City to attend a Starfish-Browne family reunion.  Now, in the interests of privacy, We shan’t offer up any details which might subject Our family members to the harsh spotlight of WorldWideInterWebNetzian celebrity which is Our cross to bear.  So We are going to discourse, not on the events and activities of the aforementioned Starfish-Browne family reunion, but on the geographic environs of same.

Prior to this weekend’s proceedings, We were aware of Kansas only as a large square state where corn is grown, which conspires with other such large square states to make it take an annoyingly long time to get to The Other Coast. And, while that may sound disparaging, it certainly puts Kansas ahead of Missouri, about which the only thing We knew was that it was called the “Show Me” state.  (Having no idea what the hell “the Show Me state” was supposed to mean, We imagined a lot of corn-fed boys called Zeke playing doctor in bucolic porno fillums.)

Imagine Our surprise when, upon being retrieved from the Kansas City airport (they have an airport!), We discovered that sometimes We were in Kansas, and sometimes We were in Missouri.  Seriously.  Now, We Our Own Self Personally live in a tri-state area, but We have not ever once found Ourselves accidentally in New Jersey or Delaware instead of Pennsylvania.  For one thing, going to New Jersey requires crossing a bridge and, therefore, a conscious decision, generally embarked upon when One is en route to the beach (downa shore) or en route to New York.  Going to Delaware, while not requiring crossing a bridge, is also not something One simply stumbles into, unless One has made a conscious decision to go to the beach (Rehomo) or to avoid sales tax.  So this “now-you’re-in-one-state-now-you’re-in-the-other” business left Us completely flummoxed.

To add to Our confusion (which, admittedly, is not difficult), at no point did We see so much as a cornstalk, let alone amber waves of grain.  Which, now that We think about it, could refer to wheat as well, but We didn’t see any of that, either.  Also, when We were in Missouri (or at least when they TOLD Us We were in Missouri), nobody Showed Us anything, least of all cornfed boys called Zeke playing doctor.

So there We are, like Faye Dunaway in that scene in Chinatown (“You’re in Kansas! (SLAP!) You’re in Missouri! (SLAP!)” (Heh.  We kill Us.)), when they struck the coup de grâce:  Kansas City, they sez, is in Missouri.  Or at least part of it is.

Quite frankly, at that point, We stopped listening.

Also, next year’s Starfish-Browne family reunion will be in Souf Philly.  Or possibly Mesopotamia, depending upon the fertility of Our crescent rolls.  (Slick callback, no?  We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)

We are almost out of time, but We will just tell you that We thought We had met Our future ex-husband, who piloted Our aeroplane to said family festivities, but We were mistaken, as he told Us that he lives “just outside of Kansas City”, and We now have no earthly idea in what state that would be.

Did We mention Judi Dench’s embroidery?

In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

And now the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthday news, Newt Gingrich and Barry Manilow were born on the exact same day, and for some reason that is making Us laugh.  It is also Venus Williams’s birthday, a fact which We mention only because for the first time We are wondering if she has a brother named Uranus.  Also, to keep things in perspective, it is the birthday of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s patron saint, MC Escher.

Try to push back your own concerns a bit (What if We’re too concerned to concern Ourself with that?)

— you’ve got some friends or coworkers who need you now!  (Ah, the infamous Exclamation Point Of Faux Urgency!)

If you can defer gratification for a bit longer, (“Defer gratification”?  Surely you jest.  Instant gratification isn’t fast enough.)

you should be able to score some great karma!  (Also, for every fifth karma you score, you get a chameleon.)

No one — not even you — can be selfless and generous all the time! (Can We be selfish and generish?)

It’s okay to mix a few selfish acts in with your good deeds today. (You heard the lady…c’mere, Zeke.)

Don’t do anything too egomaniacal (Or Episcopalian.  (Or JoePiscopalian.))

— just put yourself first a few times when you usually wouldn’t. (And that would be when?)

This isn’t an excuse to forget your manners (Or your womanners.)

but it is a reminder that you need to treat yourself like the star you are a little bit more often.  (What star should We treat Ourself like today?)

Okay, it’s true that mother doesn’t always know best, (You’d better not let The Sainted Mother hear you say that.)

but a piece of folksy, homespun advice hits home (Eeeuuuwww…are We gonna have to clean it up?)

when it comes to love. (Which, We are told, you can’t hurry.  No, you just have to wait.)

Even though you may not like the source, you can’t deny how accurate the homily is. (Alternatively, how accurate the hominy grits.)

(We have no idea what that meant, but it’s kind of like corn.  Which allegedly grows in Kansas.  As high as an elephant’s eye.  Although that’s in Oklahoma.  Not Arizona.  What does it matter?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I think you’re so mean

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMatchboxTwenty, January 14, 2013 (whatever happened to MatchboxTwenty (or is it Matchbox20? (and have We really already digressed twice, before even finishing the first sentence of the e-pissode? (We just went a-Googling on Wikipedia…apparently, it was “Matchbox20”, but now it’s “Matchbox Twenty”.    The rest of the story is equally snooze-inducing.))))

We really have no time for all this parentheticality this morning, as We are up to Our turban in birthday wishes, both timely and belated.  (Why, yes, We DO put Our turban on to write these e-pisstles…this here is High Art, ladies and genitals, and High Art requires A Process.  Or at least A Highness.  (We’ll take His Highness Prince Harry for the win.))

Happy Birthday, belatedly, to Marc, who turned twenty-four yesterday. In Chicago, Illinois.  (Cue Lesley Ann Warren in Victor, Victoria singing “Chicago, Illinois” and flashing her coochie.)  His blog, which once had the incredible good taste to name Us “Groovy Reader of the Month”, can be found here:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/

(Micro$oft Weird™ is frowning upon Our spelling of “coochie”, but refuses to offer Us any sensible alternatives (“cookie” being not at all the same thing).)

Happy Birthday, also belatedly, to John, who also turned twenty-four yesterday.  In San Francisco.  California. For which, to the best of Our knowledge, Lesley Ann Warren has no song, but where she may, in all probability, have flashed her coochie.  (Is anyone else currently picturing Lesley Ann Warren singing, “Rice-A-Roni™…the San Francisco treat!”, then flashing her coochie?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Happy Birthday, also also belatedly, to Rich, who also also turned twenty-four yesterday right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. And Happy Birthday, also also also belatedly, to Michael, who also also also turned twenty-four yesterday right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  (If it’s all the same to you, We’re gonna get off Lesley Ann Warren and give somebody else a chance.)

And that’s just the folks We missed by not e-pisstlitizing on the weekend.  Onward and upward to birthdays au courant Sterling Silliphant Joyce Bulifant Mary Quant.  Happy Birthday to Michael, not to be confused with Michael-From-The-Preceding-Paragraph, who turns twenty-four today in Delaware.  Also, Happy Birthday to Ed, who also turns twenty-four today right here in Soufffilly.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Kate, who also also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in suburbia that’s green (and, speaking of “Somewhere That’s Green”, if Lesley Ann Warren had had a few fewer birthdays, how fabulous would she have been as Audrey in Little Shop Of Horrors?)

Day-um!  We are exhausted, and that’s just the birthday wishes!  Fortunately, We shall be spared recounting Our weekend’s dreams to you, as We have been informed recently by another WorldWideInterWebNetzian forum that people don’t care to hear other people’s dreams.  One participant actually lamented that his partner shares all of his dreams, and he doesn’t know how to make it stop.  So far be it from Us to torment you, Gentle Readers, by detailing Our nocturnal acrobatics with a chocolate-covered Johnny Depp and the double-jointed unicorn.

We have some cinematic observations from Our weekend as well (and, for you ladies of the heterosexual persuasion, We had yet another not-a-date with a Gentleman Caller From The Other Team  (We won’t even tell you how old this one was (could someone please find Us some gay friends?  KThxBye.))), but we think We had best save those for the morrow, as this particular e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is already reaching epic proportions.

Please  share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn  video with a friend.  (Extra credit points if it’s a gay friend.):

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And here are the HorrorScopes:

OOG (“Oh Our God!”, for you InterNetzian Illiterates), in addition to all of the Gentle Readers listed above whose birthday is today, it is also Miss Faye Dunaway’s birthday!  Hollywood.  Royalty.  (Although, We are guessing, not her twenty-fourth birthday.  (Sorry, Faye.))

Your ability to lead is unquestioned, (Then why bring it up?  Bitch.)

but sometimes you forget to make your move.   (We have forgotten more things than many other people ever knew.  Also, you are a twatnozzle.)

Now is the time to remind everyone what you are capable of.  (Where’s the fun in that?  It’s much better to surprise them.)

Inspire them, cajole them, or do whatever else it takes.  (“Cajole” is a peculiar word, no?  Consider it as part of this group:  cajole, frijoles, cojones.  Discuss.)

Your resources are feeling a bit pinched lately.  (And, by “resources”, you mean what, exactly?  Because if someone were (subjunctively) to pinch Us, We would have to pinch Ourself to see if We were dreaming.  But, if We were (subjunctively) dreaming, We wouldn’t be allowed to tell you about it.  Sigh.)

But your creativity is still fully fleshed out. (Was that a fat joke?)

And powerful!  (Was that a fart joke?)

So if you’re feeling strapped for cash, simply apply your ingenuity to the situation.  (How much are you willing to give Us for Our ingenuity?)

(Actually, that is completely stupid advice, as We haven’t been an ingénue in YEARS.  (Not, of course, as many years as Miss Faye Dunaway, but still…))

(See how We tie all the threads together?  We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.))

Why not barter if you don’t have the money?  (Why not Bob Barker?)

(What?)

Talk them into giving it to you for free?   (Whores sell it, sluts give it away.)

(We, apparently, are neither.)

You can think of a new way to get what you want without giving up more than you have.  (Isn’t that a Rolling Stones song?)

People are willing to work with you on this, so ask them how you can make it work.  (Work is a four-letter word.)

Take some alone time to plot the course of the next few moves you want to take in your love life. ((Move Number 1.) Get one.)

While you’re not used to taking things at such a deliberate pace, the stars recommend doing some very detailed and strategic planning.  (Well, the stars are very nice and all, but what does Uranus have to say about it?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Their house is a museum where people come to see 'em…they really are a scree-um

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toothy, July 5, 2011.  Greetings from Casa de Crackpot, where We have been up since The Dawn’s Early Light.  Not to mention The Rockettes’ Red Hair, The Old Frigidaire, Made Poop In the Night, Then We Shagged Fred Astaire.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Christina Aguilera.) And by “up since The Dawn’s Early Light”, We mean 4AM, when We sat bolt upright next to Himself in bed, having just had a dream with a Very Special Guest Appearance by Betty White.  She was wearing purple lipstick, which matched her purple outfit, and she either was, or was playing the role of, a receptionist at a radio station.  The plot of said dream revolved around the fact that neither Betty nor We could discover where the station’s music output was coming from.  Exciting, no?  Zzzzzz….

So We trust YouAll had a Festive Fourth, possibly involving a fifth. (It just occurred to Us that We had absolutely no idea why a fifth is called a fifth.  Turns out, 750 ml is approximately a fifth of a gallon.  Which is every bit as boring as Betty White’s radio station.)

Speaking of boring, We are currently being bored by the concept of being dropped like the proverbial Hot Potato by people for no discernible reason whatsoever. Unless We are somehow committing atrocities while sleepwalking, how exactly do We suddenly become persona au gratin, unworthy of having Our phone calls returned? We don’t get it.  (Even Betty White just paused for station identification.)

In equally boring news, could someone please have the courtesy to inform Us as to why everyone is so resoundingly ignoring Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  ?  (Betty White just started playing Lawrence Welk’s Greatest Hit.)

Okay, YouPeople are no fun; here’s Ian Somerhalder’s left testicle.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Avoid the temptation to rush ahead — you need to make sure that you’re getting it all done right today. (What makes you imagine that We will be getting it done at all?)

Details really matter, (As do deheads.)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

so there’s no excuse for rushing past them in the hope that someone else will deal.  (Any hope that “someone else” will do anything is generally futile.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is calling the preceding a sentence fragment.  However, We went to Catholic school, so We know that We can reduce it to its simplest subject-predicate parts and demonstrate its inherent sentencehood.  To wit, “hope is futile”.  See?  Perfectly legitimate sentence.  (Also, oddly enough, perfectly accurate description of Catholic school.))

Things are really starting to come together in a relationship (Yes, indeedy-do, they are! Why, the number of unreturned phone calls, texts, and smoke signals must be nearing triple digits. So We’re guessing We didn’t exactly land that paying gig in August, eh?)

— trust is at an all-time high, and this bodes well for building stronger foundations for growth. (Oh, please.  With the growth We’ve got going on here, We need stronger foundation GARMENTS.)

This is just a beginning phase, so be prepared to take things more slowly than you may want to. (How much slower can We get?)

(Apropos of nothing, why do We keep getting emails that want Us to buy a forklift?  Is that a fat joke of some sort?)

Your positive momentum (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)

 will carry over into other areas of your life — including an unpredictable family relationship. (She’s my sister, she’s my daughter, she’s my sister AND my daughter.  (We love the smell of Faye Dunaway in the morning.))

A wave of growing confidence (Not to be confused with nausea.)

will give you a taste for competition, so keep an eye out for a chance to prove yourself.  (What’s that old joke about the hooker with the glass eye?)

Your inner nerd is out in force now, so surround yourself with like-minded people soon. (Nerds are HAWTT!)

You find the brainiest stimulation at a museum tonight, so geek out and look out for others like you.  (So, wait…you’re saying there are other people like Us, but they keep them in a museum?)

 You never know! (NOW you tell Us.  You could have just replaced this entire stupid horoscope with those three words.  “You never know.”   You’re just the fucking Oracle of Delta Phi, ain’t’cha, Kelli?  Stupid asshatted cow.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.