Can't you see all I really want to be is your boyfriend?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, July Sixteenf, Twennyfirteen.  Happy Birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today.  In Phoenixville.  Which, presumably, rises from Ashville.  Because We’re culturally attuned like that.

(We are well aware that the Ashville of which most of you were thinking is actually spelled “AshEville”, and is in North Carolina.  We, on the other hand, were thinking of Ashville, PENNSYLVANIA.  Population 227 as of the 2010 Census.  (The information We waste brain cells retaining would boggle your brain cells.))

Something something We on the other hand wee-wee-wee all the way home.  (There’s a joke in there somewhere…must We do everything Ourselves?)

We have been pondering the fluctuations in Our hit count.  For a while, following what We learned by doing Holidailies, it appeared to Us as though We (quite understandably) got more hits when We discoursed (heh) on an actual subject (Our review of Les Miz, the Oscars™, etc.), presumably because people would direct others to those e-pissodes, “read this funny thing about the Oscars™” being much more socially acceptable than “read this funny thing about poop” or “read this explanation of GoodPieRupeeTuesday”.  Of late, however, there appear to just be random ups and downs in said hit count (well, actually, random up-spikes…there is a solid baseline, which is, presumably, Our regular Gentle Readers and Naked Skimmers (thank you)), which does not seem attributable to any logical variation, or the spambots to which We fall frequent victim.   We were going to attempt to formulate some questions to get to the bottom of this mystery, but, since We cannot even seem to be able to formulate a wee-wee joke this morning, that will have to wait for another day.

Here, for example, is a random entry that has 5-6 times as many hits as baseline, in case any of you have your thinking caps on: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/up-up-and-away.html

(Note to Self:  do thinking caps come with thinking caps lock?)

So, speaking of an actual subject, here is What Today’s Screed Is About:

If We have made a plan with you on one Monday to meet at 5 o’clock the following Monday, and have confirmed said plan on the Saturday two days before the Monday in question, your reason for not showing up for the appointed appointment does not get to be that We didn’t send you a text on the actual day itself, and, therefore, you didn’t think We were coming.  Because guess what?  YOU didn’t send US a text on the day either, so, by your own logic, you never had any intention of showing up.

Did We mention that We hate people?

In other news, you will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show.  Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone?  You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.  We HAVE, however, filmed a KickStarter video to assist in the financing of said show, coming soon to a computer near you.

In other other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.  This past weekend, We filmed the next e-pissode, the fifth installment of Our story arc.  Try not to expire from the anticipation.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

Jeebus H. Cripes on a Cheez-Its™ cracker!  Some boy-band boy called James Maslow was born today, in honor of which We say, “Justin Bieber WHO?”  Also, Ginger Rogers, who was mentioned in yesterday’s e-pisstle, was actually born today, but she won’t care, because she’s dead.  James Maslow, on the other hand, is very much alive, and could make Us wee-wee-wee all the way home.  Also, Orville Redenbacher.   Because when your name has that many syllables, sentences don’t need verbs.  Although, despite the paucity of syllables, We are guessing that James Maslow would make an excellent verb.

Just pay attention (Sorry…did you say something?)

and everything should make sense — though it may take longer than you like. (Honey, Minute Rice™ takes longer than We like.  Instant gratification doesn’t come soon enough.)

(Meanwhile, speaking of brain cells We’ll never get back, Twatter just informed Us that Jonathan Taylor Thomas is only 5’5”.)

(You’re welcome.)

It’s hard to force the truth out of anyone today,  (That will not, however, stop Us from squeezing James Maslow, should We stumble across him.)

so make sure that you’re listening (Sorry…did you say something?)

(We literally just copied and pasted that.  Just so ya know.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

and collecting clues.  (It was Colonel Maslow.  In Our bedroom.  With his lead pipe.)

This is a time to relish your personal freedom (And throw some catsup and mustard on that bad boy while you’re at it.)

— even if you are in a relationship, you need to foster your independence every once and a while. (Oh, We are so independent that We went to a bar and had a drink with Ourself yesterday.  On the plus side, due to modern technology, One doesn’t have to feel all alone while One is being stood up.  So thanks to TCBITWWW and MizGerreGarrett, who kept Us company via text as We sat pathetically in a corner.)

Do something by yourself, (Pay attention, bee-yotch!)

something that no one else enjoys as much as you do. (Oh, see, now.  We know a euphemism when We see one.)

Go off on a day trip to a location that has special meaning for you. (The snack food aisle at the Ack-A-Me?)

Remind yourself what it’s like to be able to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. (How would We know?)

Thinking of another person’s preferences is fine, (Assuming (thereby shoving Uma Thurman up Hume Cronyn’s ass) that “another person” shows up.)

but it’s not always the right way to handle things.  (Speaking of non sequiturs, there is an entire store in Our neighborhood devoted to cloth diapers.)

 Every romance needs stability and calm at least some of the time, but it also needs some tension to keep things moving. (Are you sure that’s romance you’re talking about?)

 A little back-and-forth energy should help your current situation. (We shall happily engage in a  little “back-and-forth energy” with Mister James Maslow…)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

And Katie had a baby so I guess Tom’s straight

Greetings, Elves Reconstruct Infinitesimal Carousel---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, December 13, 2010 (When One is “almost finished” with One’s Christmas shopping by Memorial Day, One feels no great pressure to finish the last ten percent.  Consequently, One spent the entire weekend never wandering farther from One’sHouseWhereOneLives than the Ack-A-Me, Christmas-be-damned.   (Parenthetically (hence the…well, you get the idea), Micro$oft Weird™ is always sticking its busybody nose in and telling Us what to do, yet when We mistype “Christmas” as “Christams”, as We are wont to do, it can’t be bovvered to autocorrect Us.  Wankers.))

(We were going to tell you about Our dreams last night, of which there were three, which were epic, but as We sat down to start typing this, the first of the three had gone clean out of what passes for Our mind.  We are pretty sure it was something relatively pleasant about show business (which is absurd, as there is nothing “relatively pleasant” about show business), but that is all We can recall.  The second dream was basically a Saw ripoff, which We ended Our Own Selves by saying, “This is annoying and stressful, and We’re going to wake up now.”  In the third, Our entire extended family, including grandparents and others long deceased, as well as all current extant great-grandchildren, were  living (or at least staying) in Our childhood home for an extended period for some reason that was unclear to Us.  Also, there were pets, specifically dogs.  (The Sainted Mother is now rummaging for her smelling salts.)  One couldn’t have five seconds alone, and One couldn’t get a bathroom break.  (Long-time Erix Daily Horoscope readers will have noticed by now that Our dreams in some way always wind up involving toilets.)  The only specific thing We remember from the dream is Our grandfather arranging flowers in a vase, which ought to send Our family who are reading this into fits of hysterics.)

(And to all of this, We say: “What the fu(k ever happened to good old-fashioned s3x dreams?” (Or, for that matter, to good old-fashioned s3x?))

(Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, suggests that We change “pretty sure” to “sure”, which isn’t the same thing at all.  Also, it doesn’t recognize “ripoff” as a word.  Of course, Micro$oft Weird™ probably doesn’t have to pay to use its ownself, so how would it know?)

(In other news, “what the fu(k ever happened to s3x dreams?”  Heh.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

 Reach out toward others today (Only if We can also touch them.)

— they need you more than they are letting on, (How does it FEEL to need, b1tches?)

and your energy is actually much better spent on altruistic efforts (Suddenly you slipped into a tongue with which We are unfamiliar…is it perhaps Urdu?  Did you slip into Urdu?  And is there any on your shoe?   (Where IS Urdu, anyway?  And are there Jews in Urdu?  Probably a few.  Who knew?))

(See what happens when YouPeople leave Us all alone?)

 than anything designed to get yourself ahead.  (Fine.  Another day, no head.  What else is new (with the Jews in Urdu)?)

Your mind is in a very powerful phase today (Yes, its phasers are apparently set on “Stupid”.)

— especially where visual abilities are concerned — so it’s a great day for artistic endeavors and projects. (Ya hear that?  It’s a great day to be autistic.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Rainman. (Does this mean Tom Cruise is gonna come and rescue Us?  ‘Cause, truth be told, We’d still fu(k him if he’d keep his crazy yap shut.))

On the home front, (It’s a good day for a foam hunt.  (Also, it’s a good thing she didn’t say “comb front”.  (Also also, orange you glad We didn’t say cabana?)))

you should get started with any home improvements (Jeebus Cripes, the InterNetz just told Us that Jonathan Taylor Thomas is twenty-nine years old.  Not that We ever watched that show, but still…)

or redecorating that you’ve been contemplating. (Clearly, it is time to redecorate the windmills of Our mind(s).)

You may find some inspiration early today that makes all your choices clear and popular.  (As opposed, of course, to Our usual “queer and poopular”.)

 Watch out for new opportunities online. (Hey, look!  We won the Nigerian lottery!)

A new face or odd juxtaposition could just jump out at you. (One would imagine that anything referred to as a “juxtaposition” would be inherently odd.  Seriously,…look at that word.  It’s like two Scrabble™ champions threw up on each other.)

When it does, check the profile. (Also, check yo’seff befo’ you wreck yo’seff.)

Even if you find nothing in common at first glance, (Check their pants?)

you’re sure to see more soon.  (In their pants?  (You make my pants wanna get up and dance…))

(We just realized that the two celebrities referenced in today’s Erix Daily Horoscope are Tom Cruise and Jonathan Taylor Thomas.  Which makes all this “pants-checking” ever-so-much more relevant.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Sing me Spanish techno

Greetings, Ebullient Regis Introduces Charo---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, June 04, 2010 (Today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope is essentially just a follow-up to yesterday’s, so if you didn’t read (or only n@kedly skimmed) that, We’ll pause here while you go catch up. (Something tells Us We lost Our str8 boi readers at the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Mon Frere Jacques Brel Is Alive And Well And Living In Hello Kitty Carlisle.) If it were (subjunctively) NOT just a follow-up to yesterday’s horoscope, We would have to tell you what is really p1ssing Us off, and that would require enough backstory to fill a novel co-written by Tolstoy and Dickens. (That novel, for those inquiring minds who would like to know, would be entitled War and Peace, and Then Some More War, followed by A Short Period of Peace (Without Prosperity), Then A Lengthy War Between Two Countries Where Everybody Has the Same Last Name, Then A Little More Peace, Oh, And There Are Orphans.)) :


(It’s a long way to Litter Airy.)


(You will first recall Us petting Our peeve yesterday (did that sound dirty to you?) about people defrienditizing Us on SitOnMyFaceBook, and daring all y’all to dare Us to post a link to Our heavily petted peeve on the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of three people who have recently subjected Us to defrienditization. We were, in fact, thus dared (thanks, Dena!), but it turns out that, if you aren’t someone‘s friend, you can’t post on their page. (We could send them a private message, but We were much more interested in PUBLIC heavy peeve petting. Sigh.))


(You will Seconal recall that Our Neighbor Who Plays The Drums has embarked on some extremely noisy course of Home Improvement involving drills, jackhammers, and hydrogen bombs, (but not, presumably, Jonathan Taylor Thomas’s tool). The adventure continued again today, with the cacophony once again commencing at eight o’clock in the g0dd@mn morning. Our neighbor is not, however, committing this atrocity his own self. No, he has hired an entire family of spickerdoodles to bang his drum slowly (and whack his piñata loudly) while cavorting upon the newly-erected scaffolding (yes, boyzzz and gurrrlzz, We said “scaffolding”; it looks like the fu(king French Revolution over here.) So, in addition to Our primary complaint (about the G0DD@MN NOISE, in case you weren’t listening (or had gone deaf)), We have several other issues: why did the hydrogen bombing have to begin at eight AM, when it was over by 8:30? Why is the front of OurHouseWhereWeLive cordoned off with crime scene tape, which encircles Our recycling bin as well, thereby ensuring that the trash monkeys will never collect Our trash? Is it unsafe to step outside Our house? If We do, will We be headwhacked (“headwhacked” is, of course, a word analogous to “bushwhacked”, except it means “to be whacked in the HEAD”) and put into a coma? And, if We DO wind up in a coma, will anyone be able to tell? But, most importantly, why, if One is forced to deal with this entire situation, can the Latinos toiling shirtlessly in the sun not resemble Ricky Martin or a young Antonio Banderas, instead of Dora the Explorer’s ugly older brother, Quasimodo (who was not even good enough to be a real Modo)?)


(Okay, that, there, was a whole lotta pop culture and wordplay goin’ on. But no rest for the weirdoes…)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Telling you to lighten up would be easy (Telling Us to wear blackface for the rest of the day, on the other hand, would be a rittle bit lacist. (But probably pretty funny. Especially if We rode the subway.))


-- unfortunately, at the moment, you won't be able to pull that off. (No, right now, We’re typing. We’ll pull one off a little later.)


So rather than pretending that the current state of affairs isn't bothering you, do just the opposite. (Pretend that the current fate of the stairs is bothering Us? What does that even MEAN?)


Wallow in the unfairness of it all. (Oh, please. Like We need to be encouraged.)


Then get up tomorrow and start over. (Well, at least We’d like to HOPE that, on a Saturday, the Frito Bandito and Sancho Pansy will be siesta-ing somewhere, instead of blowing things up in Our neighborhood.)


No, you never expected to actually be attracted to someone like him/her (We did, however, expect to have a clearer understanding of what its gender was.)


-- but it happened. (Didja ever notice how difficult it is, once things have happened, to get them to unhappen? There’s probably a reason why “unhappen” isn’t a word.)


Don't fight it. (See discussions earlier this week re: The Funk.)


It's exhilarating, and such fun to see your loved ones squirm! (Just wait till We borrow Juan Valdez’s jackhammer!)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




Ai-yi-yi-yi, I am the cowgrass bandito)