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Thursday, February 21, 2013

Up, up, and away

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Thursday, February 21th, 2013.  So, didja miss Us?  We had a jam-packed  and fun-filled day yesterday, and We were much too busy to e-pisstlize about Our e-xploits.  We started with a morning meeting about a show We shall be directing in March; more on that story as it develops.

(It occurs to Us, parenthetically (hence the parentheses) that We were exploring, for a while there, what appeared to be Our comfortable niche in Legitimate Theatre Creation: the monologue/solo work.  Then the organization under whose aegis (gesundheit (thank you)) We had been doing so abandoned Us, Our Own Personal solo show tanked, and the whole thing hit an iceberg.  Perhaps We should re-examine this issue before they cart Us off to a home.)

Later in the day, We attended auditions for the dinner theatre murder mystery We wrote, whereupon We finally signed a contract and were handed A Lovely, Lovely Check.  We don’t know about you, but We Our Own Self Personally are rather partial to occasions on which We are handed Lovely, Lovely Checks.  They are so much nicer than Lovely, Lovely Plaids or Lovely, Lovely Paisleys.  (In fact, We are fairly certain that both “Lovely, Lovely Plaids” AND “Lovely, Lovely Paisleys” only work as sarcasm.  Whereas Lovely, Lovely Checks could function as a lifestyle.)

In birthday news, Happy Belated Birthday to Katie, who turned twenty-four yesterday, and also to Trish, who also turned twenty-four yesterday.  Funny how that happen, no?  Happy Birthday Today to Adam, who turns twenty-four today.  In, We are fairly certain, Italy, which would make this an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! historic first. Happy Birthday also to Ethan and to Barry, who also turn twenty-four today, albeit not, to the best of Our knowledge, in Italy.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Gin, who also also turns twenty-four today, also also not, presumably, in Italy, but who is named after Gin, and how cool is that?

You would think that, knowing all these twenty-four-year-olds, We would get laid more often.  You would be wrong.

When Lst We e-pisstlized on all y’all, it was the first day of Pisces, and We had just released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise: .

Many of you will recall Our 2012 Pisces video, complete with guest appearance by Justin Bieber. Since We never tire of sharing that with Our adoring public, while We are waiting for Our invitation to go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht, here it is:

We repeated that paragraph in its entirety from the other day because We are still pondering what exactly the “sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht” euphemism might actually mean.  Sigh.

And here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Christopher Atkins’s birthday.  How blue is your lagoon?



(Speaking of The fifth Dimension, if Marilyn McCoo married Mister Magoo, she’d be Marilyn McCoo Magoo.)

(We were fairly certain you wouldn’t be able to make it through the rest of your day without know that.)

(We may have been mistaken.)

— but there’s nothing wrong with that!  (With what?)

It’s a good time for you to ask yourself what you really want  (So tell Us what you want, what you really, really want…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Old Spice.)

and to see if you can plot a path to that point.  (Always avoid alliteration.)

Instructions belong in a board game box — not in your romantic relationship.  (That is the stupidest thing We have ever heard.  Of COURSE Our romantic relationship needs instructions.  How the hell else are We gonna get the doll inflated?)

It’s important to do things your own way  (The Royal We totally thwarts One’s efforts to sing “My Way”.)

— and yes, that may include making your own mistakes.   (We thought We made a mistake once, but We were worng.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

If other people are giving you unwanted advice,  (Oh, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli…you done stepped in it now.)

thank them.  (Or some-verb them.  Very much.)

Then ignore them.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

They may have the very best intentions, (The Royal We does not interfere in the least with One’s efforts to sing “Highway to Hell”.)

but they are not you.  (Oh, please.  Some days, even We are not Us.  (Or is it “We are not We”?  (Or is it “We We We all the way home”?  (Mmmm….roast beef.))))

 Right now, you need to trust your intuition and follow your mood.  (Follow your nose, it always knows the flavor of fruit wherever it grows.)

Do what feels right and be prepared to live with and grow from the consequences.  (Was that a fat joke?)

If you need to respond to those flirtatious emails or instant messages, (Does anyone actually still spell out “instant messages”?)

now is the time. (Well, now is A time, at any rate.)

In fact, you should get started first thing this morning  (Then how very, very brilliant of you to have waited till the very last sentence to tell Us this, thereby ensuring that the maximum quantity of morning has already passed.  AssHat.)

when communication of the light-hearted variety is strongly favored. (Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! : strongly favored communication of the light-hearted variety.  Now with thirty-seven percent fewer calories.  In regular or barbecue.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.