Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling), November Twenniest, 2014.
We have still not even read Our Sunday paper
yet. At this rate, We might as well wait
till this Sunday and read that one twice.
Happy Birthday to Justin, who turns
twenty-four today. In New York. New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep
(With Us).
If you have been to OurHouse
WhereWeLive when We are playing music, you have, unbeknownst to your own self,
heard tracks from Justin’s Welcome to
Vacationland on Our playlist of favorites.
Here is a video of him performing two of them live. (Because We?
Are the type of person who knows people who have videos of themselves
performing live. ThankYouVeryMuch.)
And now, lest We be The Very Last Person On
The WorldWideINterWebNetz to share it, here is that video of Grandmas Smoking
Weed For The First Time, Then Playing Cards Against Humanity:
Also, archivally, We came across this, which
We had forgotten was out there:
http://www.kennethinthe212.com/2013/01/caption-me_31.html
Meanwhile, it occurred to Us that yesterday
was “”web video star” Grayson Coats’ birthday, and, while We certainly wished
him felicitations on the occasion, We did not aid and abet his shooting star of
fame by including the phrases that his adoring fans will be Googling on
Wikipedia. To wit, “Grayson Coats naked”
and “Grayson Coats’ penis”. So now We’ve
rectumfied that.
In other news, it is Her Heinie The Queen Of
England’s sixty-seventh wedding anniversary.
And a giraffe’s tongue is twenty-one inches long.
Ain’t InnerNetz wunnerful?
Meanwhile, in updates from yesterday’s news,
THIS happened again…:
And
then, as if Our real-life problems were (subjunctively) in some way
insufficient/insignificant, Our sleeping brain decided to regale Us with a
totally unrelated nightmare, which promptly woke Us up at an hour far too early
for human habitation.
Of
course, once awake, Our actual problems began conspiring to keep Us that way,
and We quickly realized that We required some sort of diversion. We thumbed
(metaphorically) through Our mental file of Gentle Readers Whom We’ve Seen
Nekkid, and soon embarked on a pleasant diversionary fantasy which lulled Us
back to sleep for an hour or so.
So,
Allen in Mississourontanasota, if your ears were burning this morning long
about six AM Our time, that would be why.
(And,
by “ears”, of course, We mean “not so much your ears at all”.)
….except that the time this time was FOUR
AM. (From the The Third Time’s The Charm
Department: if We do this again for the
third time tonight, does Allen just magically appear in Our very Own bedroom?)
And on this front…
Meanwhile,
cold enough for ya? We keep Our friend
Doh’s current location on Our weather.com page, to remind Us that, no matter
how cold it gets here, it is always colder somewhere else. May We please just tell you that the
temperature in Milwaukee, West Wisconsonomington is only five degrees colder
than it is right here? At this rate,
that poor boy won’t be seeing his testicles till he gets back here in the new
year. (For the record, We Our Own Self
Personally have never seen his testicles neither. But We believe in them, and that’s what
counts.)
…We are happy to report that, as of this
morning, it is again TWENTY degrees warmer here than it is in West Wisconsonomington, so all is once
again right with the world.
And,
just because:
If you are one of the people who was fortunate
enough to see Our live show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s
Comeback Tour, you will be aware of Our, shall We say,
affection, for British boy band One Direction.
We are aware that many of you do not share Our affection, but, nevertheless,
here are the boys on Sesame Street, and
if you’ve seen anything more adorable so far today, please don’t tell Us what
it is, because We might spontaneously combust from the squee (this is also Safe
For Work (although the word “underpants” is used therein (adorably, We might
add))):
Moving on, didja know that We have been
e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since
2001? And that the earliest dead-tree
archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small
fee) here:
We have precious little else to report
(Precious Little is, of course, Chicken Little’s slutty sister. (Else is her married name. (Vacation time
shares are still available in the windmills of Our mind for January and most of
February.))), so We suggest that, if you’re in the mood for Our usual humor
with a side of smut, you check out Our
recent Joseph Gordon-Levitt Day here:
or any of the “Elih Tani naked”/”Elih Tani’s penis” chronicles, somewhere in
the vicinity of here:
Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first,
nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is
above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
In “celebrity”
birthday news, no, Celebrity Birthday Website, being the five-year-old
stepbrother of Justin Bieber does NOT make Jaxon Bieber a celebrity.
It is, however, Jeremy Jordan’s birthday, so
here is an encore presentation of this:
·
Aries You'll show the world
just how good an infant car seat can be once you cast aside petty concerns like
cost and safety.
·
Taurus It's not true that
opening the dictionary to "loser" shows your picture, but for some
reason they're still using it for "anteater," "caisson,"
and "dumbass."
·
Gemini Sadly,
it turns out that of all the people you've ever known, the only one who has
your best interests at heart is comedian Katt Williams.
·
Cancer For
some reason, all your plans for life boil down to "In the confusion, we
get away with both the money and the girl."
·
Leo We don't get to choose
the person we fall in love with, as is obvious from the human pile of garbage
you'll be following around with roses and candy this week.
·
Virgo They say if you don't
stand for something, you'll fall for anything, which is good enough for people
who aren't going to have their legs taken off by a road grader this week.
·
Libra Now that you take a
closer look at what's on display, you can tell exactly why the emperor has no
clothes. I mean, Jesus Christ.
·
Scorpio You'll
be ruled unfit for trial, but they seem to think you're just fine for
sentencing and execution.
·
Sagittarius You
said you'd retired, but $45 and a free bag of groceries isn't something a
person can just walk away from.
·
Capricorn You
have to stop worrying about what everyone else says, especially nonsense like
"You should dress better," "Nice people don't do that," and
"Put down the gun and release the hostages."
·
Aquarius You've
always thought of yourself as the ultimate cat person, but you'll change your
mind this week after meeting the 7 feet of man and whiskers that is Big Meow
Johnson.
·
Pisces You
will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated
anxieties and crippling fears.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
