Then you know you doin’ the funky chicken

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadcapManateeMakingManicottiInManayunkMonday, August TwennyFivest, 2014.

We are somewhat nonplussed (although, frankly, We’re not entirely sure how plussed We were to begin with (note to Self: ascertain whether or not “plus-oned” is an actual word, and, if not, make it one)) to discover that We know SEVEN people who are turning twenty-four today.  Making One wonder what exactly was going on twenty-four years and nine months ago…could that have been the day they released the song “Push, Push In the Bush”?

(We are well aware that “Push, Push In the Bush” was release WAAAAY more than twenty-four years and nine months ago, but We couldn’t be arsed to Google all over Wikipedia looking for an equally smutty song from the proper time frame, so bite Us.)

So Happy Birthday to Liam, and to Liam, each of whom turns twenty-four today here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  (Do two Liams make a Bi-Liam?  Inquiring minds want to know…)

Happy Birthday also to Althea, and to Kai, each of whom also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday to Philip, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

Happy Birthday to Brendan, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Ron, who turns twenty-four today in Hotlanta.

In a completely unusual turn of events, with so many people celebrating a birthday, odds are We’ve seen at least one of them naked.  But Our lips are sealed.  (Here’s a hint: it’s not Althea.)

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Kymm and Robert, who turned twenty-four this past weekend, and to OurAmericanCousin Lucas, who turned sixteen, and, consequently, is not old enough to be reading this, what with all the naked people and all.

Speaking of naked people, here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:

In other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September.  We will be performing on Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26.  If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us.  (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)

Meanwhile, thanks to the legions of naked angels who have expressed their desire to be Our date for one or more of Our Fringe Festival shows.

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

If you would like to feel just a wee bit younger today, Sean Connery is turning eighty-four, Monte Hall is turning ninety-three, and Ruby Keeler is dead.

Your routines are keeping you sane today — so make sure you’re sticking to the schedule as much as you can.  (Good lord…We really ARE in Virgo, aren’t We?)

Things are sure to look even better in the near future if you can keep it up.  (That’s what SHE said.)

You might get backed into a corner by a boss or coworker today, but don’t panic.  (HOW DARE YOU TELL US WHAT TO DO?  WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!  THE SKY IS FALLING!  THE SKY IS FALLING!!!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

When you panic, you start to make stupid decisions — and your tendency to exaggerate grows.  (If We’ve told you once, We‘ve told you a million time:  We NEVER exaggerate.)

So if someone asks for something you haven’t done yet, don’t run around like a chicken with its head cut off.  (And here, We’ve just finished Our Chicken Little impersonation….co-inky-dink?  We think not…)

The timetable you’re being asked to adhere to might simply be unrealistic, and that’s not your fault.  (Unlike everything else, you mean?)

Guess what? (Chicken butt!)

You’re coasting romantically. (It is difficult to coast romantically all by Oneself.)

Don’t limit yourself to your usual circumference. (What?  We’re supposed to get even FATTER?!?)

See what’s beyond the limits of comfort. (Discomfort?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinesDay, October 10, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to Jim, who turned twenty-four yesterday while We were in Absentia.  Absentia is, of course, a very small fishing nation wedged between Estonia and Latvia.  It is also the name of Sucretia and Epiphany’s cousin (Mitochondria and Saliva’s daughter, that is).  Naturally, at no point have We been “in” the second Absentia, so it is clear that We are referring to the fishing nation.  Although We can see how you might become confused…

One day without an e-pisstle, and already We’ve gone right for the crotch.

Those of you who have seen some iteration of the WaitStaff’s Match Game hijinks will better know Jim’s alter ego, Sean Connery.  You will, in fact, have looked up his skirt, if you have by chance been seated in the front row.  If you have not yet had that opportunity, here’s your chance: The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/284819

Can We sell tickets or what?  (Who said “Or what”?)

Long-time readers will, meanwhile, have had the cockles of their hearts warmed by the mention of Our old friends, Sucretia and Epiphany, who fell by the wayside when the MyBus turned into the OurSubway/Urinal.  (Heh.  She said “cockles”.)

In other news, this cock(heh)tail recipe just in from a bartender on the WorldWideInterWebNetz:  The Sandusky Slammer:  pour a shot of Old Granddad over 12-year-old Scotch.

Here at Casa de Curmudgeon, meanwhile, We are awaiting the arrival of a handyman.  Which would seem like an auspicious start for a porno movie, except that We have met this particular handyman before.  (Of course, it could be argued that, at this particular life-juncture, ANY man would be handy.  Unfortunately, We have always been burdened with High Standards. (Choosy motherfuckers choose Jif-fy Lube™.))

(We mistyped “motherfuckers” as “motehrfuckers”.  Micro$oft Weird™ told Us it was misspelled, but gave Us no suggestions for fixing it.  And yet, when We typed it correctly as “motherfuckers”, Micro$oft Weird™ recognized it as correct.  Prudish motherfucking Micro$oft Weird™ (which also, We might add, recognizes “motherfucking”.  (Y’all might want to keep your mothers away from the computer.)))

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

If you just felt your day get a little bit brighter, it’s because We just found out that it’s Mario Lopez’s birthday.

Your romantic side is out in force today, (Is that a polite way of saying Our fly is open?)

so make sure that you’re showing your sweetie how you feel — or looking out for your next sweetie, if you happen to be single.  (Yeah. We “happen” to be single.  Also, the Pope “happens” to shit in the woods.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “shit” to “sit”.  Which, while possibly related, is not at all the same thing.)

Either way, it’s fun!  (See, if WE were (subjunctively) Micro$oft Weird™, We would fuck with people by suggesting they change “it’s fun” to “it’s fudge” or “it’s fuck”.)

You might not be feeling all that great at the start of the day, but the people around you sure think you’re looking great!  (There is no one here.)

(Also, the calls are coming from inside the house.)

This confirmation of your attractiveness will do wonders for your physical and mental health.  (Our mental health needs an enema.)

(Oh. Our. God.  Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “enema” to “enemy”.  How does THAT make any sense?  Shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.)

Accept the adoration and compliments graciously — this is not a day to pretend to be humble. (But We hear if you’re humble, there’s pie.  Mmmmm…pie.)

Agree with people when they say you’re cute because gosh darn it, you are!  (We have NEVER been cute.  Also, “gosh darn it”?)

Expect your mood to continue to skyrocket as the day continues.  (What exactly is the alternative to “SKYrocket”?)

You have your perfect type defined right down to their toenails.  (Trust Us, We don’t care about his toenails.   We’re not even real picky about how many toes he has on each foot.)

But does your specificity mean you’re missing out on someone a little left of perfection? (Leftovers again?)

Broaden your search just a bit. (We are one hundred percent sure Our search does not need to include broads.)

You’ll meet lots of new and interesting prospects.  (Oddly, though, most prospectors of literature and lore are old.  Go figger.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Goldfinger…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, May 4, 2012.  May The Fourth…oh, don’t worry.  You have every right to expect that your Erix Daily Horoscope will not contain some wretched Battle Star Wars Trek Galactica Deep Next Space Generation Nine joke.  Mainly because We wouldn’t even get it, having seen virtually nothing from the entire oeuvre.  Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, Starzina Starfish-Browne has never seen Star Wars.  Nor has She ever eaten a Big Mac™.  There’s a third all-American thing She’s never done as well (although obviously it is NOT “talk about HerSelf in the Royal third person”), but what it is escapes Her at the moment.

Who just said, “Get laid in the back seat of a Chevy”?  WRONG!

We are, however, eternally grateful (which, parenthetically, as We typed it just now, could easily be construed to mean “full of grates”, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, despite being the second line of the “Hail, Mary”) for whichever installment of the Battle Star Wars Trek Galactica Deep Next Space Generation Nine (copy-paste is a wonderful thing) franchise gave Us George Takei.

So, instead of some Battle Star Wars Trek Galactica Deep Next Space Generation Nine Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Why Do Le Frawnch Love Jerry Lewus, you get a kute koala bear.  You’re welcome.

Now, lest you think We are some sort of pop culture philistine (a definition of which We would be hard-pressed to produce), We can, in fact, tell a Star Wars joke from a Star Trek joke.  As long as they are not too obscure. And We have been collecting pictorial examples of same to share with fans of the WaitStaff’s SitOnMyFaceBook page, as there is a segment of that population that would appreciate same.  However, it would no doubt amuse many of you to know how difficult it was for Us to be certain that for today, We posted a Star WARS joke, not a Star TREK one.

Sigh.  Science fiction:  not the least bit scientific, but totally fictional:  Discuss.

Meanwhile, where else on a Friday morning are you gonna get the word “oeuvre” used in the same place as a “Hail, Mary” joke, all for free?  Nowhere, that’s where.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, another Good Time Was Had By All as The WaitStaff Played The Match Game!  Also, history was made as they leapt boldly into the 1997 concept of color-blind casting, with Mister Brian Anthony Wilson essaying the role of Match Game Celebrity Sean Connery.  (Hey, you play YOUR Match Game, We’ll play OURS.)  Who knows who will turn up (turnip?) to play tonight?  Last night, We actually had audience members who had been there the night before!  So come on down (oops…wrong game show) to L’Etage tonight!

Please note that the show starts at 7:30.  Doors open at 7, when you shall be meeted and greeted by the celebrities.

The WaitStaff Plays The Match Game!

The most hilarious, bawdy, risque game show from the 70s, 80s, and 90s returns with a spin that only the WaitStaff could give it! Featuring icons such as host Gene Rayburn and celebrity players extraordinaire like Charles Nelson Reilly and Bret Somers, as well as WaitStaff favorites like Jesus H. Christ and The Real Housewives of South Philly's Duchess, along with a few Extra Special Guest Stars, including the lovely and talented Sharon Geller and the talented and lovely Peter Patrikios, We'll be rocking L'Etage on May 2, 3, and 4.

The shows are at 7:30, and the doors open at 7. Tickets are $15, but, if you mention that you heard about the show in Eric’s Daily Horoscope, you'll get in for $10. And, if you're up for it, you could even be a Match Game contestant and win Fabulous Prizes! 

Tickets are ONLY available at the door, so get there early, get your drink on, and GET READY TO MATCH THE STARS!!!

We do hope to see you there.  (Here is a link to the SitOnMyFaceBook event, if you’d like to let Us know that you’re coming:http://www.facebook.com/events/377171015666589/ )

On another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying.  Not, of course, that anyone has ever actually done this, but We live in hope.

And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

Just pay attention to people today  (Sorry…what did you say?)

(That just never gets old.)

— you need them in order to make sense of what’s going on. (If they would just knock it off, We wouldn’t have to worry about it.)

Your own instincts are usually enough but today is all about relationships and observation.  (How tiresome does THAT sound?)

You might get a bit of a shock today when someone known for selfishness steps up and makes a very generous offer. ( We shall wait with bated breath.  Also, We shall bait with weighted breath.  Just in case.  Also, Justin Timberlake in Justin Bieber.  PreDICKtably, Justin Bieber screams like a little girl.)

(Sorry…Our mind went somewhere else for a moment…where were We?)

This is the real deal, so if this offer is extended to you — grab it fast, before someone else does!  (Oddly enough, Our mind wandered, and yet We’ve managed to wind up in exactly the same (smutty) place.  Go figger.)

This person is going through a real growth phase, (Or a spurt.  If you will.  Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think it’s all about you?  It’s Our fucking horoscope.)

and you are in a good place to enjoy the benefits of it. (Just don’t let it get in your eye.)

Take the opportunity to give your support and words of encouragement.  (“You can probably do it!”  “You’re not nearly as stupid as you look!”)

(Howzzat?)

Also, don’t forget to say thank you!  (Thank you!  Asshat!)

As long as you regard others with compassion and understanding, everything will be fine. (Oh, well.  You can’t have everything.)

Don’t get on your high horse and start judging people too harshly for their mistakes.  (We’re fairly sure We don’t have a horse, so We’ll be judging people harshly from a comfy chair.)

Show some forgiveness.  (Why?  What the hell have YouPeople done to Us now?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.