Suicide is painless

Hello, Ducks!

Oh, look:  snow.

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, February 26^rd , 2014.

Thanks to Noah for today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu.  It’s been a while since We found something so apt just when We were looking for it.  Which is ironic (don’t’cha think?), given the subject matter.  Kind of like opening your fly over your chardonnay.

(Is it just Us, or does everyone else think that the word “Chardonnay” sounds not so much like a wine, but totally like the name of a cheap hooker?)

Happy Birthday to Doug, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Walt, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We should not, by all rights, be e-pisstling this morning.  Not, as some of you might imagine, because We should already be on Our way to AmCrack to be wending Our way to Greater Bostonia, but because We are feeling stabby, and might inadvertently say The Wrong Thing.    (Why We get in so much trouble when We say The Wrong Thing, while everybody else gets to tritz all over the WorldWideInterWebNetz, saying The Wrong Thing both willy and nilly, recklessly and with gay abandon, and We aren’t even allowed to stab them in the eye is, needless to say (and yet, saying it anyway) a mystery to Us.)

And yet, as A Responsible Adult Human Being (We are NOT, of course, A Responsible Adult Human Being.  But We play one on TV), We must, unfortunately, bring you the following Public Service Announcement:

Thank you to everyone who in any way attempted to support Our upcoming show at Club Café in Boston, whether by planning to come, or by informing friends and family.  Unfortunately, due to the infamous Circumstances Beyond Our Control, said show has been cancelled, and will not be rescheduled.

We will, however, still be playing Our date in Salem:

On Monday, March 3^rd, We will be at Opus Underground:

http://www.gooutloud.com/starzina/

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/1379652125635846/

Now, for those of you haters who don’t think having Our show cancelled is punishment enough for Our hubris in attempting to share what We think of as Our gifts with the general public, We should like to point out that, due to the last-minute-ness of said cancellation, Our trip north to do one show is going to cost Us practically as much as it would have to do three.

We suffer to amuse you.  You’re welcome.

Also, math is hard.

What this means is, We definitely need to sell out the Salem show.  (We also need it to run for about a month, but that’s not so much going to happen.)  We also need to sell out the following:

When We return to The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, We will be performing one night only, Thursday, March 6^th, in The Walker and O'Dare Mystery Radio Hour at the Powel House.  Details here: https://www.facebook.com/events/462325460534871/

On Friday, March 7^th, We will be performing one of the few remaining performances of Our murder mystery, Murder in Twelve Steps, which, if you haven’t seen in the past year, you probably don’t care about now.

And on Saturday, March 8^th, We will be dusting off Everybody’s Favorite Messiah, Jesus H. Christ, as the WaitStaff plays The Match Game  at L’Etage: https://www.facebook.com/events/289403944541722/

Meanwhile, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8  Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring Justin Bieber:

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Victor Hugo’s birthday.  Because We don’t feel like e-pisstlitizing anymore today, We return you now to the golden days of this time last year, when We reviewed the movie version of Les Miserables:

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/everybody-raise-glass-raise-it-up.html

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I yam what I yam

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  WednesdayTheMoonIsInTheSeventhHouse, February 15, 2012.  (It was a stretch, We know.  We hope it doesn’t leave marks.)  Happy Hump Day to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there in Humponia. (Two potential jokes diverged in a wood, and We?  We could not decide whether to pursue the one in which we pondered that, if “Hampers” is a short form of “Happy Campers”, what might “Humpers” be a short form of? Or the one in which “Humpette” inspired Us to list other characters omitted from the musical version of Les Miserables, e.g.  Briquette, Banquette, Cigarette, Courgette…)

Alrighty, then.  Now that Robert Frost and Victor Hugo are both rotating rapidly in their respective receptacles, let’S move on. (That capital S is not a typo.  “let’S” is, of course, a contraction for “lettuce”, and the S is thus subject to capitalization through the use of The Royal Endive. (Which is really only funny if you pronounce it “ahn-DEEV” instead of “EN-dive”, so We’ll wait here while you go back and read it properly.))

Moving on…you will recall that recently, We acquired Ourself a new medicine man, in the person of a pediatrician named Doogina Howser (with apologies to Neil Patrick Harris (on second thought, fuck him…he doesn’t call, he doesn’t write…)).  We are subsequently less than impressed with her acumen, as it appears that she has hired minions who are incapable of properly operating a fax machine. Or of listening to instructions on the phone without interrupting.  Sigh.  Our life, it is a trial.

But enough about Us…what do YOU think of Us? We trust you all had all the VD you could stand yesterday, and that you are currently on a ten-day course of broad spectrum antibiotics.  Shank-shank-shank, shank-shank-shank, shank your chancre, shank your chancre…

Oh, dear.  Have We gotten that song stuck in your heads now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad. We certainly hope you have all taken Our advice and are watching The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. If you are not, please be advised that the episodes are totally stand-alone, so you could tune in next Monday and not have to worry about what you missed.  Plus, now that they’ve thinned the herd (as it (subjunctively) were) a bit, Willam and his bon mots will no doubt be getting more airtime.

How many of you thought “bon mots” was something dirty?  Y’all don’t get out much, do ya?  Here’s hoping all your mots are bon.  And all your balls are matzoh.

The cunning linguistics, We has them.

Speaking of Oscars™, We are practically ready to pop with pride as We anticipate premiering Our Pisces e-pissode of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscopes.  But, in the meantime, please share Our Aquarius fillum with your friends.  (We don’t know why We keep saying that.  You don’t do it, and We have no idea why.  Don’t you wish your SitOnMyFaceBook friends a happy birthday on their SitOnMyFaceBook walls?  Just drop the following link in the box first.  Easy-peasy lemon squeezy.):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

In still other news, while Our VD did not include Justin Timberlake sending Us his dick in a box, We did receive Our annual VD greeting from Mister Johnny Depp, for which We are eternally grateful.  (We bring that up mainly because We didn’t want to leave Willam and Neil Patrick Harris stuck in the celebrity index with no one to amuse them but Robert Frost and Victor Hugo.  Because how boring would that be?)

Random Charlene Tilton reference.  (Now that SHE’S in there, Robert frost and Victor Hugo aren’t gonna know what hit ‘em.)  Aaaaaaand here’s the HorrorScope:

Your emotions are ruling your actions today, (Also, Our commotions are ruling Our ructions.  Which is, for the most part, just a really wordy fart joke.)

which could get somewhat embarrassing if your timing is off. (Even more embarrassing if Our pants are off.)

Just try to focus on stuff that means something to you and leave the rest for tomorrow.  (Focus on the fracas or the ficus will fuck Us.)

(What?  We are speaking in tongues. Erix Daily Horoscope: the religious experience.  (We’re pretty sure We’ve heard people say “Oh, Christ!” several times now.))

Someone who is usually quite introverted isn’t going to be shy at all today — because she or he has some great news and wants to share it with the world!  (The world is, no doubt, waiting with bated breath.  (No, We’re not gonna start THAT again.))

This news won’t exactly be earth-shattering to you, but you should try to show as much enthusiasm and support as you can — even if you’re not quite feeling it. (So, in other words, We should lie?  Alrighty, then.)

Your encouragement will go a long way toward making this person feel proud.  (What if We’d rather they feel plowed?)

(That was a little Chinese joke.  You’ll be amused again half an hour later.)

 Feeling introverted today? (Didn’t she just ask Us this the other day?  Has she met Us?)

You don’t always have to be the life of the party. (It’s so much more fun to be the death of it.  Or Bertha Venation. (That’s a Harvey Fierstein joke.  (Johnny Depp and Justin Timberlake are gonna be really pissed now.)))

Give into your urge to be solitary, but try not to brood. (Also, try not to breed.)

It’s okay to have spend time apart from pals (Also, keep your distance from palsy.)

as long as it doesn’t turn into depression. (Around here, We are just manic for depression.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

He’s just an excitable boy

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, March 07, 2011.  You would no doubt imagine that, not having reported in for three days, We would have ever so much to talk about.  You would be wrong.  However, in the interest of making your lives seem ever so much better by comparison, We shall  tell you about Our weekend here at Casa de Crotchrot.  Friday night, We cleaned Our oven.  (No, Ducks; Our ACTUAL oven; that was not a euphemism.)  Saturday, We ran the dishwasher, then went off to the Italian Market to buy cheap food.  Upon returning, We discovered that the catch on the little trapdoor that allows the magic dishwasher pellet to escape and magically clean the dishes had not come uncaught, and We proceeded to wash a whole bunch of not-quite-so-clean dishes by hand (non-magically).  This somehow managed to cause Us to lapse into an early coma, from which We arose on Sunday to make gravy, because we live in Souf Philly, and We are apparently an Eye-talian grandmother.

Please try not to faint from the glamour of it all.

Himself, meanwhile, was off in the monsoon at rehearsal for the WaitStaff’s upcoming debut at Helium on the 16^th.  Here would be where you would buy tickets if you were (subjunctively) going to show up:  https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382  Not, of course, that We will hold Our breath.  (Actually, We sold Our breath.  On eBay.  For sausage money.  (No, Ducks, ACTUAL sausage; that was not a euphemism.))

And that is all We know.  And We wouldn’t even have bovvered, except that, for the next two days, We have Daytime Activities which will be keeping Us away from the computer.  And We didn’t want you to miss Us TOO badly, and wail, and gnash your teeth, and carry on, as you are wont to do.  Mighty white of Us, no?

Les Horoscopes (it’s like Les Miserables, except, instead of miserable, it’s a horoscope.  Well, a miserable horoscope, but still (we’re not quite sure why there’s more than one, but then, it’s Frawnch, and We don’t speak Frawnch. (Victor Hugo WISHES he wrote this horoscope.)))

Try something spontaneous today.  (Oh, indeed.  We’ll put that on the schedule straightaway.)

Ask someone out, (Mmm-hmm.  You should SEE our calendar for the next week or so.  There’ll be precious little “asking out” about it.)

take a side trip or just speak out at that meeting even if you’re low in the hierarchy. (Good lord, even Our HOROSCOPE is boring.)

 Your great energy (Are you talking to Us?)

should see you through!  (Oh, We’re through, alright.)

All signs are pointing to a fantastic new beginning for you (“Beginning” is an odd word, innit?  It’d be more interesting if the first G were (subjunctively) softened.  Then We could replace it with a simpler noun form, “begina”.  (Not to rhyme with “Regina”, but to rhyme with “vagina”.  (If I had Aladdin’s lamp for only a day, I’d make a wish and here’s what I’d say: Nothing could be finer than to be in your vagina in the mo-o-o-rning.)))

(What the hell just happened?)

  — and a long journey or a geographical change could be coming soon. (How exactly would a long journey DIFFER from a geographical change?  And, more importantly, did We have a stroke earlier?)

If a trip is already planned, expect it to go incredibly well. (And, if it’s not planned, expect it to go even better.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

An upgrade may be involved. (Clearly, there’s a C plus in  Our future.)

Prepare yourself for unexpected luxury.  (See, that SOUNDS like it would be good.  But We’ve been reading  these things (and living Our life) long enough to know that “unexpected luxury” means We’re gonna be run over by a caviar truck.)

A financial payoff is due today, too, and it’s one you should share with the people you love.  (We did find fifteen cents on the street on Saturday. Do you want the nickel of the dime?)

Invite a few friends out to dinner and surprise them by footing the bill.  (Alternatively, invite  a few friends out to dinner and rub the pot roast all over your chest.  (Ah-oooo, werewolves of London…kiss Us quick, We’re Warren Zevon.))

(Clearly, a stroke.)

As teachers and parents say, only boring people get bored. (You mean, as STUPID teachers and STUPID parents say, only boring people get bored.  Or more to the point,  as teachers and parents who haven’t read this horoscope say…)

Show off your free-spirited side to impress someone you want to know better. (Won’t they be upset when We show ‘m Our Playtex™ Free Spirit bra!)

Keep them guessing! (By stressing Debra Messing’s ranch dressing.)

(What?)

*****************************************************************************    

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.