Day by day

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Chardonnay Day, November 11, 2011.  Why aren’t there days named after people named Day?  There could be Doris Day Day, Morris Day Day, Susan Dey Day, Sade Day…

But enough of this frivolity.  Happy Veterans Day to all of Our veteran readers. (Has anyone actually been reading these epistles since 2001?  We DO hope We haven’t been repeating Ourself.)  And happy birthday to Our MizCathy, who turns twenty-four today.

Quite frankly, We have absolutely nothing to report, but We popped in anyway to wish MizCathy a happy birthday and to share with you all The Funniest Things We Have Ever Seen On The WorldWideInterWebNetz EVAH.  Yes indeed, ladies and genitals, what follows is the funniest joke in the known universe; after this joke, there need be no more comedy ever, because everyone will have laughed their last laugh, chortled their last chort, and guffawed their last guff.

Now before We share the aforementioned joke with you, We feel obligated to warn Our Genteel Gentle Readers (do We HAVE Genteel Gentle Readers?  And, if so, where the fuck did We get them?) that the joke contains A Bad Word.  Not a GRATUITOUS bad word, mind you, because the joke indeed could not exist WITHOUT the bad word, but, nevertheless, it is there, and you have been warned, and here is some spoiler space in case you want to just speed on by the joke and the bad word:

Here comes the joke:

What do we want? A CURE FOR TOURETTES! When do we want it? CUNT!‏

All you allegedly Genteel Gentle Readers went ahead and read it anyway, didn’t you?  Clearly, We’re stuck in here with a bunch of closet perverts.  Well, don’t say We didn’t warn you.

Meanwhile, here’s this:

Share it with your goddamn friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzWPpMcE_go

And here’s the HorrorScope:

(When We went to collect Kelli’s HorrorScope, We learned that today is Demi Moore’s birthday.  So, wait…she has seen Ashton Kutcher naked, AND she gets a birthday?   Bitch.)

Life gets a little easier for you — and isn’t it about time? (It’s “about time” We won PowerBall™.  Shove your “a little easier” up your giggy.)

You may find that your people are easing up in their requests, or that they are simply understanding your directions a little better.  (Again with this delusion that We have “people” who “follow Our directions”.)

Whether or not you fancy yourself a ‘tech-head,’ you will be forced to deal with a lot of issues involving computers or machines today.  (If this computer acts up one more time, it’s going in the dishwasher.)

These issues will affect your professional future — so if you are less than confident about your abilities in this area, it’s very important that you ask for the help you need. (If “Our people” would “follow Our directions” and buy Us the goddamn winning PowerBall™ ticket, We wouldn’t NEED a “professional future”.  Asshat.)

 You won’t impress anyone or learn anything new if you pretend that you already know how to do everything.  (And who exactly will We impress if We pretend We don’t know hwo to do anything?)

Is it love? Probably not. (Well, there’s a cheery thought.)

Lust is more like it. (That’s okay too.)

Don’t confuse sex with love — they’re not the same. (How the hell would We know?)

You’re better off playing it cool for now and keeping your expectations low. (Didn’t We just go through this “expectations” business the other day?  Dennis Day Day, to be exact?)

You’ll know where this is headed soon, but for the time being just enjoy the intensity. (Hmm….if there’s gonna be “intensity”, We should prolly take a shower first.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

We gots plenty o’ nuttin’, and nuttin’s plenty for We

                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Frisée, July 15, 2011.  So.  The Harry Potter series is over.  Rosebud was a sled.  Daniel Radcliffe’s penis.  Whatevs. We got nothin’.

 We do, however, have this amazing video, in which the most adorable puppies and kittens dream of rainbows and unicorns. In 3D.  And you don’t even need to wear those funny glasses.  Check it out, why don’t’cha?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for (although not waiting very long, eh?): Angela Lansbury’s pap smear. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

(Is anyone else now envisioning Angela Lansbury and Daniel Radcliffe starring in a remake of Harold and Maude?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Plan ahead today (We would love to plan head today.  Unfortunately, that requires another consenting adult, and We don’t know any.  Adults, that is.)

— your mental energy (Jigga wut?)

is just right for nailing down details (We are thinking that We could nail them down a lot faster with a nail gun.  Are there battery-operated nail guns?  Because We are thinking that people would not fuck with you on the subway if you were carrying a battery-operated nail gun.)

and making sure that you can cope with all the consequences, (Consequently, Consuela coped with the consequences in Copenhagen.  (We are thinking that perhaps We shall give up Our dream of becoming a best-selling children’s book author, as We cannot seem to find an illustrator, and devote Ourselves to writing English-As-A-Second-Language primers.  Obviously, “Consequently, Consuela coped with the consequences in Copenhagen” beats the living crap out of “The pencil of my uncle is in the garden.” Because what the hell is “the pencil of my uncle”?  (We are now imagining an entire chapter devoted to explaining to some poor foreigner what We mean by “the living crap”.)))

 whatever they may be. (Que sera, sera…kiss Us quick, We’re Doris Day. (If Doris Day married Dennis Day, then divorced him and married Morris Day, then divorced him and married Daniel Day-Lewis, she’d be, in addition to a slut, Doris Day Day Day Day-Lewis.  (Alternatively, she’d be Doris Quadruple-D Lewis, but then she’d have to go into porn.  (That was one of those bones We occasionally like to throw Our str8 boi readers.  (Of course, if you’re boned thinking about an eighty-seven year-old woman with breastusses the size of medicine balls, We are thinking you might want to seek some professional help.)))))

Think it all through!  (Then fink it all froo! Because that’s more fun!)

You will be dealing with quite a few people who care only about appearances today (What if they only appear to care only about appearances?  How will We know?)

— they are interested in cutting corners (And corning cutters, and courting cunners, and curing cunters.  (Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?))

and playing some tricks if that will help them look good. (See, they say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  But don’t tell that to Doris Quadruple-D Lewis , star of Doris Does Dallas. (That, of course, is the porn movie she made with Larry Hagman.))

You should be careful to distance yourself from these folks as early as possible. (How did We get tanced with them in the first place? (That was a bit of cunning linguistic humor that almost went awry when Micro$oft Weird™ attempted to autocorrect “tanced” to “tanked”.))

If you appear to be in cahoots with them, (“Cahoots”?  Really?)

some very influential people could get the wrong idea about who you are and what you are all about. (We are all about the Hokey-Pokey.)

Sticking up for your values is an opportunity to reinforce your values — (On the other hand, sticking up for an eighty-seven year-old woman with breastusses the size of medicine balls is a cry for help.)

remember that.  (That, and the Alamo.  Ooops; now We’ve forgotten the first thing.)

 If you’re freaked about a future in which you’re the only single left in your group, relax. (We are only single because there happens to be, at the moment, an odd number of people on the planet, and We are the odd Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) out.)

Just because you’re solo, that doesn’t mean a partner would solve all your problems. (But if he would solve ANY of them, wouldn’t We be ahead of where We are now?)

 A few of your coupled friends are jealous of your freedom right now. (Yeah, okay, whatevs.  We would like to take this opportunity to commend Our Gentle Reader who, according to Our Google Bloggoni-O-Meter, found these pages this week by searching “eric” and “jury doody”.  If you would care to identify yourself, We have a surprise prize for you.  (Okay, it’s copy of Doris Does Dallas.))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Roll Over Beethoven, dig these rhythm and blues.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, June 08, 2011.  Happy birthday to Candace, and Kenneth, and Nathan, all of whom, coincidentally, turn twenty-four today.  Back in The Day (Doris?  Morris?  Dennis?  Lynda George?), they might have been reading this, as We would have included it in Our SitOnMyFaceBook birthday wishes.  Now, however, We are including Our video instead.  The diapers, they are a changin’. (Bob Dylan obviously had a much better editor than We do.)

Speaking of Our video, We are shocked, SHOCKED, We tell you, not to have received a single inquiry regarding Our nail polish.  Which is called “Rock the Night Away”, since you didn’t ask.  You’re welcome.

We are all excited anew about Our video, as We shot another episode yesterday.  (Two episodes, actually, for those who love their behind-the-scenes glimpses of the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope.) And We have decided that what Our real life is missing is a director.  Also, that Our entire life should be a movie.  Except when We are pooping.

Said video, (Not the one We shot yesterday…We are not a miracle worker (WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!)) as We are about to change the subject, is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk

Also, Happy Hump Day to all the rest of you.  Especially the newbs…there may be some about-to-college-graduates in da house.  Of course, every day is Hump Day for that lot.  Because, as We all know, what does the in-the-know college graduate wear under the gown of his cap and gown?  A sophomore.

Meanwhile, We are knee-deep in preparations for La Festivale de Fringé.  (“Fringé”, in this instance, is, of course, pronounced “Frawn—ZHAY”.  Because We’re classy like that.)  Paperwork to be filled out, contracts to sign, checks to write, advertising to create, and all by Friday.  Of course, then they leave Us alone for two months, to create Our art.  It’s a good thing The Rapture was rescheduled for October instead of September; We’d hate to lose Our entire investment just because the world ended.

That being the sum total of what We know (and is it just Us, or is “sum total” a redundant repetition?), herewith Le Scope du Horreur (“Horreur”, in this instance, is, of course, pronounced “whore”.  Because We can do that.):

Today is all about service, (Coincidentally, We just got done saying “whore”.  How  ‘bout dat?)

and you need to make sure that you’re helping the right people. (It is Hump Day, after all.)

Customers at work are a good start, (WHORE!)

but you may also want to lend aid to the needy in your community.  (And what exactly are these “needy” gonna leave on the nightstand?  Just Our luck, We finally become a whore and don’t read the fine print in Our contract, and suddenly We’re a whore for the homeless.  Ya know, if ya give it away, you’re not a whore, you’re a slut.)

(We mistyped “whore” in that last bit, and Micro$oft Weird™ gave Us spelling suggestions.  None of which, oddly enough, was “whore”  The closest it got was “who’re”.  Which is, presumably, an Irish whore.)

 Don’t let anything go out the door without double-checking it first. (Don’t let the screen door hitcha where the Good Lord splitcha.)

Little details must be caught, (But enough about prostitution.  Let’s get off the whores, and give someone else a chance.)

(All We are say-ing…is give penis a chance.)

and you’re in the perfect frame of mind to catch them. (If you framed Our mind right now, you would see a naked albino riding a polar bear in a blizzard.)

Use your insightfulness (Ah, yes, Our insightfulness.  In the Land of the Blind, the one-eyed trouser snake is a much bigger surprise when it goes up the back of your dress.)

(You Yanks and your colorful sayings.)

 to stop friends or family members from taking things a little bit too far — a diplomatic word here or there will save them some embarrassment. (Alternatively, they could wind up on reality television.)

You’re a valuable part of any team you are in.  (Don’t’cha just hate people who say, “There’s no “I” in team”?  We like to tell them, “There’s no “I” in “asshole”, either…that’s all U.”)

To make sure you’re used as much as possible, (How’d We get back to whoring again?)

speak up and raise your hand. (It may be a long time since We got laid, but We’re pretty sure it’s got precious little to do with raising your hand.)

It’s party time — right? (Or at least Miller™ time.  But hopefully not Arthur Miller time.   Because that?  Would be boring.)

Though you may have a few hot options, (And more than a few Hot Pockets™…have you SEEN Our ass lately?)

you need to keep your life in balance today. (Was that a fat joke?)

Take it easy (“Easy” is Our middle name. Unfortunately, Our last name is “BakeOven”.)

(With those two words conjoined like that, was anyone else thinking “Roll over, BakeOven”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

when it comes to love and try not to overdo it in any one direction. (Or on any one erection.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.