Black strap molasses, you’re my orange blossom honey bear.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (For that “not-so-fresh” feeling…), June 12^st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Seth, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We have precious little to report today…no candy penises (penii?), no fillum festivals, no epic nuclear poops at the Barnes & Noble, no rock-and-roll numbers in which We hump the stage…

Sorry…Our needle got stuck.

Never, however, let it be said that having nothing to say will stop Us from talking.

First and Formsoa, We are murder-mysterying tomorrow…on Friday The Thirteenth (dun-dun-DUN).  Is anyone interested in discount tickets to same?   We can get you $20 tickets for a four-course dinner and the show (drinks and gratuity not included).  See description here: http://www.bistroromano.com/mystery-theatre/  and get at Us if you wanna come.

Seconal, OurAmericanCousin Kelly (not to be confused with Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) (and all-around AssHatt) Kelli (you can tell the names apart because AssHatted AssHo Kelli’s name ends in an “I”. Which is dotted with a smiley face.  Except the smiley face has crossed eyes, and looks like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump)) sent Us an ad this morning in which marshmallows were roasted, hollowed out, and filled with shots of Kahlua™. We countered that amaretto or Frangelico™ would probably also be good, and a subsequent source suggested Baileys™.

Unfortunately, the only info We have is what appears to be a Kahlua™ ad, with a picture-perfect picture of the result (which see: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/82120393180477856/ ), with no step-by-step instructions on how to accomplish same without involving One’s local fire department.

So, Gentle Readers, have you ever roasted marshmallows in your home, presumably in your oven, in some way that would be controlled enough to achieve these results?  Leave Us comments…

ThurstonHowellTheThird, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

A random WorldWideInterWebNetzian headline: Celebrity Crotch Sniffer Vitalii Sediuk Sports Brad Pitt Tank Top For Community Service

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Meanwhile, from The Celebrities Whom No One Knew Were Still Alive And Who Are Having Birthdays Today:  Jim Nabors.  And Vic Damone.

Cultural inspiration is coming your way.  (Oh, good…bring on the marshmallow makers from Madagascar and Mozambique…)

It could be artistic or literary or almost anything else, but you should be able to weave some new threads into your tapestry by the end of the day.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Carole King.)

(That was a joke for the old folks.)

(We DO mean Carole King and not Carly Simon, don’t We?)

It might do you some good today to step back from your crowd of friends (Yeah, it’s crowded alright.)

and look at things from an outsider’s perspective. (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)

(That was a joke for the less-old folks.  And the nerds.  And people who like jokes that aren’t funny.)

You’ll finally see things as they truly are, (You’ll shoot your eye out, you’ll shoot your eye out…)

 which will either reinforce what you were hoping for (Hedwig tickets?)

(You thought We forgot about that, didn’t’cha?  But We?  Have a mind like a steel sieve.)

 — or make you feel like big changes are in order.  (Alphabetical order?  Or order of height?)

If it’s the latter, don’t be alarmed. (If it’s the Latter Day Saints, on the other hand, pray that it’s Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss.)

(That was a joke for The Gays.  Of all ages.)

Do what feels right, (Alrighty, then…Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss, here We GO!)

and don’t shy away from explaining yourself.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause We are so frequently at a loss for words.)

People respect the truth, (You can’t handle the truth!)

and they’ll respect you for speaking it.  (And Aretha Franklin for singing it.)

(Another joke for the old folks.  Who may or may not be black.  But who definitely like The Jokes That Aren’t Funny.)

You’re ready to learn all about someone new, but if they’re somewhat retiring, they might feel overwhelmed.  (If they’re retiring, aren’t they more likely old than new?  Just sayin’.)

Watch for clues about their comfort zone, and make sure communication goes both ways.  (Doesn’t communication BY DEFINITION go both ways?  AssHatted AssHo.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

And it’s another beautiful day in the land of the free

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodPieRupeeToozDay, December 4, 2012. Happy Birthday to Our Sistah Ovella, who turns twenty-four today.  (It occurs to Us this morning, for the very first time, actually, that mayhaps We should stop revealing people’s ages in these e-pisstles.  What if, for example, you are actually acquainted with Our Sistah Ovella, and you wish her a happy birthday.  Whereupon she, in a sudden fit of coy, says, “Guess how old I am.”  If you blurt out “Twenty-four!”, it will be just as though you had peed in her coy pond.)

That was a long way to go for that coy pond joke.  The things We do for YouPeople.

We have been perusing the avalanche of entries over at Holidailies™ (http://www.holidailies.org/ ).  Holidailies™, in case you have been nakedly skimming, is a portal/porthole/piehole where a gaggle/bevy/murder of bloggers all commit to posting daily blog entries for the entire month of December.  Said entries are listed in the order in which they were posted, accompanied by a short excerpt or summary.  For which, quite frankly, Thank Gawd, because said excerpts or summaries have allowed Us and Our short attention span to pick and choose, as We could not possibly read every contribution.

Turns out, these Holidaily™ people?  Write Things That Have A Point.  Which would, at first blush, seem to make Us a whore of another color.  Long-time Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers, however, will recall that We DO have an overall point, which is to make YouPeople feel better (or, sometimes, saner) by comparison.  You’re welcome.

We wrote the preceding paragraph specifically to be Our excerpt for today.  We are especially proud because said excerpt has to be sixty or fewer words, and We came in under without having to edit at all. (This entire experience is getting way too meta for Us.  Is One still writing if One is writing about writing? If Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?)

Speaking of segues (what’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.), this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.): 

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

I would totally go to bed right now if I could find it.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Late for school again, my damn alarm clock never goes off!

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

That awkward moment in math class when they tell you to find X. I can't even find my shoes.

But back to that “making YouPeople feel better by comparison” thing.  Some people no doubt have dreams in which Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss (Go ahead, Google ‘em; tell ‘em Starzina sent you) wrestle naked in vats of butterscotch pudding.  We, on the other hand, last night had a dream about Chinese opera.  Oh, and there were frogs in it.  We’re not making this up.  You’re welcome.  AGAIN.

All of which serves to explain (okay, maybe there’s not a clear point, but at least there’s a (tenuous) thread) why We were awake at the crack of ass.  Which is a good thing, because, once We’ve banged out (heh) this e-pisstle, We must prepare for Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video shoot.  Which, not to be spoiler-y or anything, promises to be not unlike It’s A Wonderful Life meets Santa Claus Conquers the Martians by way of The Greatest Story Ever Told. Of course, it doesn’t promise to be anything LIKE that, either.  You pays your money and you takes your chances.

 Here is the link with which you can share Our latest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friend:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y   

(We would like to point out at this juncture that, in reviewing yesterday’s e-pissode, We found and corrected two typos.  The singular “friend” in the preceding, however, is not a typo; it is a reference to your lack of sharing Our video. We see YouPeople all the time, wishing each other a happy birthday on SitOnMyFaceBook, and not attaching Our video.  However shall We achieve world domination if We have no loyal minions?  Or filet minions…mmmm, steak.  (What were We talking about?))

(Apropos of nothing and completely randomly, here is last year’s Sagittarius video for your comparing pleasure:

)

And here’s the HorrorScope:

(WHHHAAAAATTTT???  Not only Our Sistah Ovella’s birthday, but also Wink Martindale’s?!?  What time is the parade?)

You need a little extra excitement in your life — and here it comes! (You’ll shoot your eye out!  You’ll shoot your eye out!)

(See, that joke right there is operating on several levels, all at the same time.  Do not attempt this at home.)

You may find that you get an amazing message in your inbox, (Or an amazing chapeau in your hatbox.  Or an amazing poop in your litterbox.  One of those.)

or you may be asked out on a date. (Not any date soon, naturally.)

It could be anything, so get ready.  (Well, now that you’ve narrowed it down.)

Acting your age won’t feel like much fun today (Then We shall act Our shoe size.)

— the kids and toddlers in your life are having a blast, so why can’t you?  (Toddlers getting blasted….what is the world coming to?)

Asking these questions will lead you to a realization that you can do whatever you want to do!  (Um, Kelli?  You’ve only asked one question so far.)

Take this attitude with you wherever you go today. (What attitude, Bitch?)

You don’t always have to be willing to grow up in order to be in charge. (This is very true.  Peter Pan was, after all, the leader of the Lost Boys.  We could be the leader of some Lost Boys.  And by “Lost”, of course, We mean “Found”.  And by “Boys”, of course, We mean “Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss”.)

The world could use some of your un-adult ideas, (Sorry, but when We say “Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss”, We are NOT having “un-adult ideas”.)

so lead by example and have some fun. (That entire running joke would have been much funnier if anybody had any idea who Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss were.  Once again, making YouPeople feel better by comparison.  You’re welcome.  SOME MORE.)

 Laughter is a great way to get you noticed.  (As is spontaneous combustion. No, really. Go out to lunch and spontaneously combust.  People will talk.  Hell, you might wind up on the news.  If you burn slowly, anyway.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.