Welcome to Vacationland

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling),  November Twenniest, 2014.

We have still not even read Our Sunday paper yet.  At this rate, We might as well wait till this Sunday and read that one twice.

Happy Birthday to Justin, who turns twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

  If you have been to OurHouse WhereWeLive when We are playing music, you have, unbeknownst to your own self, heard tracks from Justin’s Welcome to Vacationland on Our playlist of favorites.  Here is a video of him performing two of them live.  (Because We?  Are the type of person who knows people who have videos of themselves performing live.  ThankYouVeryMuch.)

And now, lest We be The Very Last Person On The WorldWideINterWebNetz to share it, here is that video of Grandmas Smoking Weed For The First Time, Then Playing Cards Against Humanity:

Also, archivally, We came across this, which We had forgotten was out there:

http://www.kennethinthe212.com/2013/01/caption-me_31.html‏

Meanwhile, it occurred to Us that yesterday was “”web video star” Grayson Coats’ birthday, and, while We certainly wished him felicitations on the occasion, We did not aid and abet his shooting star of fame by including the phrases that his adoring fans will be Googling on Wikipedia.  To wit, “Grayson Coats naked” and “Grayson Coats’ penis”.  So now We’ve rectumfied that.

In other news, it is Her Heinie The Queen Of England’s sixty-seventh wedding anniversary.  And a giraffe’s tongue is twenty-one inches long.

Ain’t InnerNetz wunnerful?

Meanwhile, in updates from yesterday’s news, THIS happened again…:

And then, as if Our real-life problems were (subjunctively) in some way insufficient/insignificant, Our sleeping brain decided to regale Us with a totally unrelated nightmare, which promptly woke Us up at an hour far too early for human habitation.

Of course, once awake, Our actual problems began conspiring to keep Us that way, and We quickly realized that We required some sort of diversion. We thumbed (metaphorically) through Our mental file of Gentle Readers Whom We’ve Seen Nekkid, and soon embarked on a pleasant diversionary fantasy which lulled Us back to sleep for an hour or so.

So, Allen in Mississourontanasota, if your ears were burning this morning long about six AM Our time, that would be why.

(And, by “ears”, of course, We mean “not so much your ears at all”.)

….except that the time this time was FOUR AM.  (From the The Third Time’s The Charm Department:  if We do this again for the third time tonight, does Allen just magically appear in Our very Own bedroom?)

And on this front…

Meanwhile, cold enough for ya?  We keep Our friend Doh’s current location on Our weather.com page, to remind Us that, no matter how cold it gets here, it is always colder somewhere else.  May We please just tell you that the temperature in Milwaukee, West Wisconsonomington is only five degrees colder than it is right here?  At this rate, that poor boy won’t be seeing his testicles till he gets back here in the new year.  (For the record, We Our Own Self Personally have never seen his testicles neither.  But We believe in them, and that’s what counts.)

…We are happy to report that, as of this morning, it is again TWENTY degrees warmer here than it is in West Wisconsonomington, so all is once again right with the world.

And, just because:

If you are one of the people who was fortunate enough to see Our live show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour,  you will be aware of Our, shall We say, affection, for British boy band One Direction.  We are aware that many of you do not share Our affection, but, nevertheless, here are the boys on Sesame Street, and if you’ve seen anything more adorable so far today, please don’t tell Us what it is, because We might spontaneously combust from the squee (this is also Safe For Work (although the word “underpants” is used therein (adorably, We might add))):

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: 

http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 

We have precious little else to report (Precious Little is, of course, Chicken Little’s slutty sister.  (Else is her married name. (Vacation time shares are still available in the windmills of Our mind for January and most of February.))), so We suggest that, if you’re in the mood for Our usual humor with a  side of smut, you check out Our recent Joseph Gordon-Levitt Day here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/11/go-go-go-joseph-gordon-levitt.html 

or any of the “Elih Tani naked”/”Elih Tani’s penis” chronicles, somewhere in the vicinity of here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/go-ask-alice-when-shes-ten-feet-tall.html .

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: 

http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

****************************************

In “celebrity” birthday news, no, Celebrity Birthday Website, being the five-year-old stepbrother of Justin Bieber does NOT make Jaxon Bieber a celebrity.

 It is, however, Jeremy Jordan’s birthday, so here is an encore presentation of this:

·         Aries You'll show the world just how good an infant car seat can be once you cast aside petty concerns like cost and safety.

·         Taurus It's not true that opening the dictionary to "loser" shows your picture, but for some reason they're still using it for "anteater," "caisson," and "dumbass."

·         Gemini Sadly, it turns out that of all the people you've ever known, the only one who has your best interests at heart is comedian Katt Williams.

·         Cancer For some reason, all your plans for life boil down to "In the confusion, we get away with both the money and the girl."

·         Leo We don't get to choose the person we fall in love with, as is obvious from the human pile of garbage you'll be following around with roses and candy this week.

·         Virgo They say if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything, which is good enough for people who aren't going to have their legs taken off by a road grader this week.

·         Libra Now that you take a closer look at what's on display, you can tell exactly why the emperor has no clothes. I mean, Jesus Christ.

·         Scorpio You'll be ruled unfit for trial, but they seem to think you're just fine for sentencing and execution.

·         Sagittarius You said you'd retired, but $45 and a free bag of groceries isn't something a person can just walk away from.

·         Capricorn You have to stop worrying about what everyone else says, especially nonsense like "You should dress better," "Nice people don't do that," and "Put down the gun and release the hostages."

·         Aquarius You've always thought of yourself as the ultimate cat person, but you'll change your mind this week after meeting the 7 feet of man and whiskers that is Big Meow Johnson.

·         Pisces You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

‘Cause “Lisa” with an “S” goes “Sssss” not “Zzzzz”

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  November Sebbenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Bryan, who has his final dress rehearsal for turning twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Why, it seems like just a year ago that We last celebrated Bryan’s birthday with a Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Extravaganza.  Here’s a little acid flashback to that time…

{Way-Back Machine Sound Effects}

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Bryan, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  (That’s Bryan-With-A-“Y”, mind you, much like the Liza Minnelli song, “Liza With A Z”. (Or, as We have just this moment chosen to imagine it, “Bryan With A Y-Front”.  Because there’s nothing like a cute boi in his tighty-whities to perk up an otherwise dreary day.))

(We should point out, as a disclaimer of sorts, that We have not actually SEEN Bryan in his tighty-whities, and, consequently, We have no idea of the degree of accuracy of the “Bryan With A Y-Front” moniker. (In view of Our recent spate of “Picturing Gentle Readers Naked” Weeks, We should also point out, disclaimer-wise, that We have not seen Bryan OUT OF his tighty-whities. (We should also point out that, prior to his receiving his notification that he was appearing in today’s e-pissode, We suspect that he was not one of Our habitual Gentle Readers.)))

 (Now, of course, that he IS a Gentle Reader, at least for today, We shall feel free to picture him naked with reckless abandon.  Possibly for an entire week. (THAT oughta keep him reading!))

 Somewhere here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, Bryan With A Y-Front just experienced afrisson.

(Oh, look it up.)

Having, in the past few paragraphs, used the words “moniker” and “frisson”, We shall inform you that, if We were (subjunctively) a str8 boi e-pisstler, this e-pisstle would at this juncture take a turn for the pornographic, with a story about a Frawnchwoman named “Monica Frisson”, and all of Our str8 boi Gentle Readers would pop boners.

Look at Bryan’s Y-front NOW!

(Can We make something out of nothing, or what?)

{/Way-Back Machine Sound Effects}

Is anyone else amazed at how quickly  #alexfromtarget  has become Not A Thing Anymore?

We were going to excise this next bit today, but then, since these e-pisstles have become more and more like Helen Keller falling down in a forest, who the fuck cares what We do?  Also, in honor of Bryan, who is, in fact, a heterosexual man doing musical theatre, albeit, in Our imagination anyway, in his birthday suit:

In completely unrelated news, here’s a little ditty by Stephen Sondheim, sung by Jeremy Jordan.  It is completely safe for the workplace, assuming, of course, that bursting into tears is acceptable in your workplace.  (But then, it’s a workplace…how could bursting into tears NOT be acceptable?) 

This video is actually an example of an extremely rare genre entitled “Heterosexual Men Doing Musical Theatre”. We’re going to send it out to all the heterosexual men We know who do musical theatre.  Both of whom are very nice.  (You know who you are.)

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: the WorldWideInterWebNetz’s only official source for “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  (If you have no idea what We’re talking about (lord knows, We don’t), please see here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/go-ask-alice-when-shes-ten-feet-tall.html 

and/or here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/im-muscle-fa-an.html )

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: 

http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

****************************************

In celebrity birthdays, today is the birthday of both Billy Graham, who invented the Graham cracker, and Marie Curie, who invented the curio cabinet.  It is a little-known yet significant fact that, in all of recorded history, no one has ever kept his or her Graham crackers in a curio cabinet.

(Betcha wish We’d go back to Bryan’s Y-front NOW, don’t’cha?)

Slow down!  (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!  YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF US!! WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!!!)

You can’t make as much progress as you would like today, (We can barely gress to begin with.)

and that could mean serious frustration when things start to get weird. (No, see, weird would be finding out that, instead of Y-fronts, Bryan wears pink lace panties that say “Tuesday”.)

(THAT would be weird.)

It’s a good time for you to go over your plans.  (Let’s see…tomorrow, We’ve got laundry, world domination in the afternoon, and the murder mystery in the evening…not much on for today, though.)

There are too many strangers in your daily life, right now! (Oh, now, see…strangers are just naked people you haven’t met yet.)

(Actually, now that We type that out, it sounds downright neighborly, dunnit?)

It’s time for you to acknowledge those familiar faces and try to turn one or two of them into casual acquaintances. (Gray skies are gonna clear up; sit on a happy face…)

So smile and say hello the next time you stand next to that person in the elevator for the fiftieth time.  (Especially if you’re carrying an open straight razor.  Then, reach out and press the “Stop” button.)

(People LOVE that.)

They recognize you, you recognize them — so what’s the holdup? (That’s Bryan with a “Y”, not Brian with an “I”, ‘cause Brian with an “I” goes…)

(Okay, so the “Liza With A Z” song doesn’t really work with Bryan With A "Y".)

(Back to the underwear thing.)

It’s easy to break the ice. (And even easier to break the ice’s heart.  No, really…tell the ice you just want to be friends.)

(See?)

It’s all about living life to its fullest, and doing your best to connect with another human being.  (Especially if that other human being is a Fuller™ Brush salesman.)

(We have no goddamn idea where that came from.  We have no idea what a Fuller ™ Brush salesman even is, or if they still have them.)

(We just Googled “Fuller™ Brush salesman” on Wikipedia, and the results were every bit as boring as you might imagine.  With the exception of the bizarre co-inky-dink that, before he invented the Graham cracker, Billy Graham was a Fuller™ Brush salesman.)

(That is a TRUE FACT.  Because We do not make shit up here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!)

You’re so busy fretting about how you appear to others that you don’t let your natural, fabulous self shine. (Do We appear to you to be the sort of person who “frets”?  We fret not, neither do We tat.  If you prick Us, do We not bleed?  Do We not wear mink-lined pink lace panties that say “Tuesday”?)

(Slap Us…We’re hysterical.)

Just chill and have fun — and be sure to disagree rather than simply nodding along. (We have no idea what that means, so We’re simply gonna picture Bryan’s birthday suit and sign off.  Happy Bryan’s birthday suit to Juan Anne Dahl!)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.