I came in like a wrecking ball

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherMacManicMonday, August 26^nd , 2013.  (“MacManic” is, of course, the Scottish version of “manic”, which has the extra added attraction of the fact that, while you are running around like a crazy person, you are wearing a kilt.  So We get occasional glimpses of your naughty bits.)

Speaking of Scotland, Happy Bank Holiday to Our Gentle Readers everywhere in the UK except Scotland, where apparently they have to work.  While, no doubt, people try to look up their kilts.

Although there are no birthday wishes for today, there are a slew of them for yesterday, which had more SitOnMyFaceBook friends’ birthdays than any day We can recall.  Happy Birthday to Brendan, who turned twenty-four yesterday in Massachusetts.  (Which really should have a little song to sing to tell you how to spell it, a la “Em-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-Pee-Pee-Eye” for Mississippi.  Because, without such a little song, We always Eff it up the first time, and We know a lot of people who live there.)

Heh.  We said “Pee-Pee”.

Happy Birthday also to Philip, who turned twenty-four yesterday in New York.  New York, New York, that is.  Public pools, Broadway stars.  (Read it again, out loud.  It’ll come to you…THERE ya go!)

Happy Birthday also to Ron, who also turned twenty-four yesterday in Hotlanta.

Meanwhile, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, Happy Birthday to Althea, and Kai, and Michelle, and Liam, and Liam, each of whom turned twenty-four here yesterday , with the possible exception of one of the Liams, who might not have quite turned twenty-four yet.  Because We’re hip like that, and know young people.

This, naturally, leads to the question as to whether two Liams equal a Billiam.  Math is hard.

In still other news, We will confess that We did not watch the VMAs last night, but.   Miley. Cyrus.  On Friday, all anyone could talk about was that Ben Affleck was the new Batman.  In the middle of the VMAs, the entire WorldWideInterWebNetz were agog over Justin Timberlake’s performance.  But today, all anyone can talk about is Miley Cyrus.  So We would say she achieved her goal.

Also, people are stupid.

Also, Justin Timberlake.  Sigh.

In other news of vital importance to the realm, We had a very productive production meeting this weekend for Our Fringe show.    The show in question is, of course,   LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:   

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb  

Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us up past  the 85%- funded mark!  

(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)

If you haven’t contributed yet, you should know that there are as of this e-pisstle only sixty-nine hours left!

Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.

And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.

And here is the HorrorScope:

In case you were mistakenly feeling young today, Macaulay Culkin is thirty-three.  Also, Mother Teresa is still dead.

Your sense of permanence needs reinforcement. (Soooo you’re saying that Our sense of permanence is impermanent?  Alrighty, then.)

 Recommit yourself to your sweetie, your job, your family or whatever else has the deepest roots. (Honey, the deepest roots get the bleach.  (Is that a saying?  Like “the squeaky wheel gets the grease”?  Because, if it isn’t, it should be.))

You are sure to feel better once you’ve done it!  (It’s been quite  a while, but We’re fairly certain that One always feels better when One has “done it”.  Just sayin’.)

Just because you don’t share all of someone’s values doesn’t mean that you and this new person in your life are completely incompatible.  (But do We share all of their Value Meals?)

So if you’ve been thinking about getting closer to them, don’t let their surprising positions on controversial matters stop you. (“Surprising Positions On Controversial Matters” was, oddly enough, Our nickname in high school.)

Once you dig deeper into what they’re saying — and really listen to why they feel the way they feel — you’ll begin to see that sometimes you say things people don’t agree with too.  (Wait…what is all this “saying” crap?  Are We talking or “doing it”?)

Patience should be your highest priority today. (Gawd, give Us patience, and give it to Us right the fuck now!)

Rushing others to finish up doesn’t do anyone any favors. (Indeed.)

Give people room to breathe and you could be pleasantly surprised! (Unless you have an erotic asphyxiation fetish.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming (heh), didja?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

STOP! In the name of love!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday’sChildIsFullOfGraceSlicksToGetToTheCenterOfATootsiePop™GoesTheWeasel… Sorry.  Our stream of consciousness flooded.

So it is an historic day here in the Youessivay.  And yet, We are fairly certain that, no matter what Diana Ross and the Supremes decide, neither Johnny Depp nor Prince Harry will propose marriage to Us any time soon.  Sigh.

In other news, on a messageboard We frequent, someone was discussing signing an email to her union “in solidarity”.  Following which We have decided to sign all of Our communications from here on out “in liquidity”.  Or,  more truthfully, “in gaseousness”.  Because We?  Are twelve.

As you can see, We got nothin’.  So here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Okay, how weird is it that We mentioned Diana Ross and the Supremes earlier, and it is actually Miss Ross’s birthday?

Try not to focus on small mistakes today (Focus instead on enormous boners.)

 — check out the big picture and see the positive.  (Also, Acc-ent-u-ate it.)

(What if We’re positive that everything is going to go wrong?)

Your energy requires a bit of a push in order to get moving, (Ex-Lax™. It’s what’s for dinner.)

but sometimes it’s best to go slow.  (Slow and steady wins the race riot.)

(We have no idea what that means.)

Feeling useful will suddenly be extremely important to you  (Not that it will HAPPEN, mind you, but it will be important.)

— right now, you are feeling that it doesn’t really matter whether or not you get what you want today when you see so many others who don’t have anything at all. (Um, yeah.  Have you met Us?)

 If you can be of service to someone today,  (Johnny Depp?  Prince Harry?)

you will make yourself feel valuable, like you are able to do just about anything.  (So, if “anything” includes both “everything” and “nothing”…well, you see Our dilemma.)

You are a positive force in people’s lives  (Well, We don’t want to have to FORCE them…)

— even the people who don’t know you very well just yet.  (A stranger is just an ex-husband We haven’t met yet.)

Everyone talks about wanting to break out of old habits,  (Especially Mother Teresa.)

but no one admits that those habits are comforting.  (Improv scenario: nuns in a strip club.  GO!)

You’re stuck in a love rut for a reason.  (You say that as though it were (subjunctively) a bad thing…but, seriously…”stuck in Prince Harry’s love rut”…”stuck in Johnny Depp’s love rut”…you can see how We would be confused.)

What are the payoffs for not changing? (Billy Joel loves Us just the way We are?)

Are they worth it?  (L’Oreal™…mix a double batch, and get a snatch to match.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, February 1, 2011.  I’m not sure exactly what happened, but the sum total of Snowpocalypse Two Electric Boogaloo so far is that the sidewalks look like the top of your glass coffee table after a party in the 80s.  Not that I’m complaining, mind you.  I’ll be much happier sending Himself out to clear the path with a rolled up twenty instead of a shovel.

Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ has flagged “boogaloo” as misspelled.  At first, I thought it might be one of those pesky American versus British issues; perhaps we spell “boogaloo” differently on the other side of the pond. But the WorldWideInterWebNetz confirms the “boogaloo” spelling of “boogaloo”, regardless of country of origin, so sod off, Micro$oft Weird™. (“Boogaloo” is clearly one of those words that gets weirder and weirder the more times one types it.  (Micro$oft Weird™ also suggests that I might like to replace “pesky” with “annoying”.  Consequently, I shall replace “sod off” with “fu(k you”.)))

In other news, it is unclear to me why, on what is obviously a “stay in your jammies with your hot water bottle and your woolly penguin under the covers” kind of day, I have been up since the crack of ass-thirty.  However, there has been good news so far on several fronts, among them the followers of these epistles, and the popularity of Himself’s YouTube video of Our Lord and Saviour.  So I feel compelled to ask (despite the fact that no one will answer, much like when Helen Keller falls down in a forest, and one doesn’t know if there’s sound, but what the hell was some deaf, dumb, and blind bitch doing wandering about in a forest anyway?):  do you share these epistles with others, who are not acquainted with Himself and I?  Also, have you shared the video with others?  (And here it is, just in case you felt the urge to do so.  (Or to do-si-do.  Whatever blows your dress up.))

And now, before the horoscope proper begins, a word about my Madd Editing Skillz.  I am, of course, available for hire to make all of your documents look every bit as classy and professional as these daily epistles.  And I am, in fact, completely capable of conforming to American English standards.  For example, in the paragraph preceding the video, I am well aware that “Saviour” is a British spelling, while the American “Savior” would have no U in it, despite that irritating American hymn, “What A Friend U Have In Jesus”.  Also, you may have noticed that I am a staunch proponent of the serial comma (as in “deaf, dumb, and blind”) for the laser-like clarity that it brings.  To wit:

“I’d like to thank my parents, the Pope, and Mother Teresa.”

Versus

“I’d like to thank my parents, the Pope and Mother Teresa.”

I just had a Slim-Fast™ bar for breakfast.  How much slimmer will I get if I eat the rest of the box?

The future seems much more enticing than the present right now (Wait…there are presents?)

— but that doesn’t mean you should just sit around daydreaming!  (Oh, no…I should sit here, typing my fingers to the bone to amuse YouPeople.  All work and no play, smoke crack with dull boys.  (I’ve never understood that saying.  You wacky, zany, madcap Americans.))

Get to work on something big that isn’t likely to pay off for a while.  (Trust me, I haven’t been paid in QUITE a while.  But just think, if everyone reading this horoscope sent me one dollar, I’d have…one dollar?  (Well, maybe two…there is, of course, The New Guy.  Hi, The New Guy!))

It might be difficult to understand when and how to be critical today. (Not especially.  I never seem to find anything about being critical even remotely difficult.  In fact, I venture to say it’s one of my fortes.  One of my most finely honed skills, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think YOU’RE so damned important?)  Why, if there were (subjunctively) a job whose main duties were criticizing and complaining, I would be Employee of the Month thirteen months of the year.)

 In a business or professional context, you’ll have it a bit easier, though (Meanwhile, in a pie-eating context, avoid the blueberry.  (Also the dingleberry.  (Heh.  Dingleberry pie.  It’s like cowpie, kind of.  If cows used toilet paper.  Like those bears on that commercial…how revolting is that?  I think we can all agree that I’m hardly a prude, but I don’t think they should be allowed to show dingleberries on television.  Cartoon bears or no, they still shit in the woods where Helen Keller falls down.)))

(My digressions have digressions.  Try to keep up.)

— an early morning conflict will force you to look at things in a harsher, more truthful light. (There is no light.  It’s pitch dark outside.  (Of course, that’s par for the course for Helen Keller.  (Not that one imagines her golfing much.)))

(“Fore!”)

Err on the side of caution by being more forgiving and patient than you might otherwise be. (“Err” is such an odd word, no?  It always looks like a mistake.  How convenient that that’s what it means.   To Err is human, to Brrr is Helen Keller falling down in a forest full of snow, to Grrrr is a bear taking a shit on her.)

(Obviously, today’s Erix Daily Horosocpe has a running thread.  How lucky for you!)

(When I said “shit” earlier, Micro$oft Weird™ made nary a peep.  This time it is suggesting that I replace it with “shot” or “hit”.  Everybody’s a critic.)

Loving is more important than being right sometimes.  (I solve that entire conundrum by loving being right.)

While everyone else is fighting in the board room, you’re back in the lunch room, chatting up that new hottie. (Actually, I’m bitchin’ in the kitchen.  ‘Cause there ain’t no damn “hottie” here.)

Say out of the fray — you’re sure to meet the right person that way. (Doris Day, Nanette Fabray, Simone Signoret.  You’re a poet, but you’re unaware of it.)

 

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.