I’m gay

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tunisia, October 11, 2011.  Oh, please.  Only yesterday, YouPeople forced Us to locate both Ohio and Brazil, and now We’re expected to find Tunisia?!?  (It is a country, yes?  We are guessing in Africa, because that’s where WE’D put it.  Along with a whole bunch of other countries We’d never want to set foot in.  (How Chad got there, We’ll never know.  We’d certainly like to set foot in him. You just KNOW Chad was the quarterback of his college football team.  And still has six-pack abs.  With a tasteful treasure trail…)

Ooops; sorry. We forgot Ourself.  Once again, behaving in a manner We had sworn to eschew (gesundheit (thank you)).  What were We talking about?  Oh, yes; Tunisia.  We are, as We may have mentioned on previous occasions, somewhat geographically challenged.  Not as bad as some of all y’all, who couldn’t find Uranus with both hands, but seriously, Tunisia?  The hell? We are, naturally, familiar with famed Broadway choreographer, Tommy Tunisia, but that’s about as far as Our knowledge goes.

Yet another BRILLLLLiant Erix daily Horosocpe segue (what’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.), from famed Broadway choreographer Tommy Tunisia to National Coming Out Day.  Happy National Coming Out Day, y’all!  Love, Marcus Bachmann.

We would tell you that We are gay, in honor of NCOD, but We don’t know if you have your smelling salts handy, and We wouldn’t want the shock to be too much for you.

In other news, Our email this morning informs Us that We could earn $52,000 per year as a police officer.  Really.  We read the entire email twice, and it never even mentioned The Village People.  Imagine that.

In other other news, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra has roared out of the gate with incredible momentum; perhaps We should ALWAYS make YouBitches wait.  Keep it up (that’s what she said) and pass it along to friends.  (Like herpes.) You can either click to watch it here:

 

 or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEd2UNc29Sk

This just in:  in between prosaic fits of genius as We lovingly craft today’s epistle, We have been randomly surfing the InterWebz, where We just learned, via SitOnMyFaceBook, that the group with whom We were supposed to be performing this Thursday and Friday has pulled out of the show.  No word yet as to whether this means the show itself is cancelled (as We were the only other performer, and We only had twenty minutes planned, We suspect that that’s a big old YES.  (Please note that We are far from heartbroken; We would just like to know the answer, as We could then reassign Our Thursday and Friday nights.))

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Marcus Bachmann sniffing Tommy Tunisia’s dance belt…  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Something new takes over your mental space today, (Could it be, oh, I don’t know, Satan?)

and it could mean that you’ve got someone new in your life as well. (How exciting!  Wonder what they’re up to Thursday or Friday night?)

You feel totally up to any new challenge, (Mmm-hmm.  We can barely empty the dishwasher.)

so embrace the novelty!  (“Novelty” is a novel word, no?  If one parses it incorrectly, it appears to mean “the absence of velty”.  Which is a fairly common condition.  Except, of course, in Tunisia, where they have veldts aplenty.  And hellzapoppin.  (We just Googled “veldt” on Wikipedia to be sure We knew what it was.  THERE’S a brain cell We’ll never get back.))

 Too much physical activity might not be a good idea right now. (You heard the lady.)

You definitely want to maintain your exercise regime, (But more importantly, we want to maintain Our fascist exorcise regime.  The power of Christ compels you!  (Whatever happened to Linda Blair?))

 but you also need to focus on working the biggest, most important muscle you have:

(We’re just gonna leave a big ol’ space here, so all y’all can ponder on that one…)

Your brain. (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!!)

Give the ol’ gray matter a good workout by picking up a challenging nonfiction book, renting a documentary miniseries or engaging in some healthy debate with one of your intellectual friends. (That sounds almost as boring as “veldt”.  Meanwhile, the old gray matter, she ain’t what she used to be, ain’t what she used to be , ain’t what she used to be…)

(What?)

Balance your inner self and your outer self.  (That, of course, is a lyric from The Existential Hokey-Pokey, which may or may not be what it’s all about.)

The noise in your head is deafening today. (Sorry…what did you say?)

If you could only shut it off long enough to think straight, (It is National Coming Out Day….We can’t even think straight.)

you might actually meet someone or accomplish something. (What are the odds?)

 But alas, that just isn’t your destiny. (Way to poop in Our punchbowl, bee-yotch.)

Physical activity will keep the din manageable.   (What the hell happened to “Too much physical activity might not be a good idea right now.”?  Assclown.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Some cats & rats & elephants but sure as you're born you're never gonna see no unicorn

Greetings, Exterior Refurbishment Improves Chateau---

(Chateau, chapeau, Jacques Cousteau (eau, eau).)

(That was a little French Tourette’s Syndrome, to start your morning off right.  In case you’d mixed up your French toast with your French tickler.  (Oooh la la, Francois the French tickler.))

(Our Own Personal morning is going to be taken up building an ark.  But, before We undertake anything so arduous as actual BUILDING, We want to be sure that We can actually round up two members of the Swedish men’s Olympic swim team, two Abercrombie and Fitch models, two g@y male p0rn stars…)

(Hey, you can put the frigging two lemurs, two penguins, two naked mole rats, etc., on YOUR d@mn ark…do you have any idea what lemur p00p smells like?)

Here is your horoscope for Friday, October 01, 2010 (October, already!  Who knew?  Happy birthday in advance to CuteBoiInTights, who turns twenty-four over the weekend, and who isn’t reading this.  Remember when Our mamas raised Us with manners?  Clearly, some of Us don’t.) :

(So far, We have had a nun and a p00p joke.  We are just up to Our eyeballs in comedy in here this morning.)

(Meanwhile, latest reports from Our friends to the south at FringeWilmington are that We are going to sell out yet again, so get your tickets quick: http://www.shopcityfest.com/Fringe-Wilmington/Fringe-Performances/The-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly .  They are only five dollars. And check out Our SitOnMyFaceBook event for more info: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=107145189347561&ref=mf .)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Your energy has been brighter and bolder — but it will be again, too! (Our energy has apparently been watching too many laundry detergent commercials.)

You just need to ride out this rough patch (Why?  Have the Abercrombie and Fitch models been manscaping again?)

and keep from getting too frustrated. (Oh, please.  All the p00py primates are on YOUR ark.  Scat queen.  OUR ark is a freakin’ circuit party.)

(Some of you no doubt find yourselves stuck back on the “riding out the rough patch” image.  We shall pause here for station identification to give you a chance to catch up.)

It may be a sign that you need to take a break.  (And not for coffee, neither.)

Hanging with your family is the ultimate getaway. (In the wake of the recent trends in the news, We shall tastefully refrain from making any “hanging” jokes just now.  Although We would no doubt quickly change Our mind(s) if We could get Our hands on some of the so-called “Christians” who are offering their opinions on same.)

You feel comfy and cozy and able to let all the recent tension of the past just slide away. (Hey, with a frenzy like this, who needs an enema?)

This may carry over into an urge to redecorate your pad (So is “redecorate your pad” a euphemism like “Aunt Flo coming for a visit”?  Inquiring minds want to know…)

(Heh.  “Redecorate your pad”.  We kill Us.)

or other ways to feather your nest and make it more welcoming. (Hmmm….feathers never occurred to Us.  Where’s that hot glue gun?)

Remember to consult with anyone else who shares your personal space before you make any drastic changes, though — they might want some input, too. (He could have all the d@mn “input” he wants, but We’re pretty sure he doesn’t swing that way.  (That joke is only gonna make sense to a very few of you.  I beg your pardon, I never promised you Marcia Gay Harden.))

 If you’re feeling moody, (Kickin’ down the cobblestones…lookin’ for tampons, feelin’ moooody….)

a saccharine movie with a friend might be just perfect. (Have you SEEN Perfect?  What were they THINKING?)

You get an emotional workout in a cathartic fashion, (Great.  We’ll be having Our period, explosive diarrhea, and projectile vomiting all at the same time.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Linda Blair.)

and then you should have someone to joke about it with later on.  (Har-de-fu(kin’-HAR.  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Cowgrass…when you care enough to send the fairy dust)

How are things in Glocca Morra?

Greetings, Emphatic Rebuttal Infuriates Czar---


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, February 18, 2010 (We have finally smartened up and put all the WaitStaff show info in pixture form above, to spare all y’all from having to get n@ked yet again to skim a whole paragraph of information. You’re welcome.):


(This, however, is the important part: after the show, as We are forced to depart the World Café Live immediately (no doubt amidst a hail of rotting fruits and vegetables (“Hey!” We hear you cry, “Some of my best friends are rotting fruits and vegetables!”)), We have decided to reconvene to accept accolades, acolytes (that was an altar boy joke…on your knees, b1tch!), and, most importantly, free drinks two blocks away at Slainte (which see: http://www.slaintephilly.com/ ). This, We are told, is an Irish drinking emporium whose name does not rhyme with “taint”, as One would imagine (although that would, We suppose, make it a g@y drinking emporium). Instead, it sounds, when pronounced by Irishian Irish speakers of Our acquaintance, something like a cross between “lawnchair” and “trenchmouth”. This is because Irishians are a very strange people who don’t even call their language “Irish”; they call it (oh, like you didn’t see this coming) “Gaylick”. But what can One expect from folks who once starved a bunch of potatoes to death for no reason whatsoever?)


(Leprechaun, shillelagh, HassenPfeffer Incorporated.)


(As a special boner…er, bonus treat, those of all y’all who have only started following the WaitStaff since the beginning of Our appearances with same will not yet have seen the following video. Which is totally NOT safe for work. Unless, We suppose, you happen to work in a brothel.)

(We should also note that the WaitStaff’s well-oiled (heh) publicity machine is in high gear, and tickets are flying out the door faster than a starving potato in a leprechaun colony (what???), so get yours NOW. Here We are in today’s City Paper: http://citypaper.net/articles/2010/02/18/desperate-and-dateless (You will note that We Our Own Selves Personally do not appear in the accompanying photo, which is an old WaitStaff publicity photo taken prior to Our affiliation with same. In fact, only two of the people pictured will be in tomorrow’s show; the rest are…well, We’re not exactly sure, but We have heard the phrases “making license plates” and “penile servitude” bandied about.))


(And, in case you needed one more inducement to attend, Our mission du jour is to go shopping for exactly the right pair of boxer shorts in which to do the tango. (Whaddaya mean, the World Café Live just called and said they’re closed tomorrow?))


(Our-O-Scope…)


It's time for you to take some time out. (We hear there’s a special chair for that.)


Phone off the hook. (Okay, let’S just think about that one for a second. (The S is capitalized because it’s a contraction of “let Us”, which involves The Royal Us. But then you knew that already.) Once those chirren born in 1990 whom We were discussing yesterday have chirren, there will be a whole generation of people who have no idea what the fu(k “phone off the hook” even means. Seriously, people. Turn off your eight-track tapes of Lawrence Welk and give that a moment’s thought.)


Sit down. (Sit on my face and tell me that you love me.)


Breathe. (Oh, please. If you have to be told, perhaps it’s better if you just stop. More air for the rest of Us.)


Think about your past year. (Scr3w that noise. Think about this: which is funnier: “Is that a shillelagh in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?” or “Is that a leprechaun in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?” We Personally are leaning toward the leprechaun, but discuss.)


(We’ll take “Phrases No Sane Person Would Ever Type” for $500, Alex…what is “leaning toward the leprechaun”?)


What are you grateful for? (Ingrates.)


(No, give it a minute. It’ll come to you. That was one of Our rare suBtle jokes. THERE ya go!)


If you have time, it's a good time to actually make a list. (If We don’t have time, should We make a list of things We don’t have time for?)


Think about your blessings. (Then think of Debra Messing covered in Thousand Island dressing. (That was a little bone We just threw to Our str8 boi readers, to make up for the “Cindy Brady’s pubes” thing from yesterday.))


(As a little insight into the inner workings of Eric’s Daily Horoscope, We would like to point out that We originally covered Ms. Messing in Russian dressing, but We decided that Thousand Island was funnier.)


Sometimes the mere act of reveling in all that is good actually brings on more good things. (Mmm-hmm. And sometimes, unicorns f@rt cinnamon-scented rainbows.)


If you want to have some peace and quiet now, the skies support you. (The skies, you say? We find Ourselves somewhat nonplussed.)


(Insert reflection on what a peculiar word “nonplussed” is here.)


Feel free not to say yes to every single invitation, if you don't actually feel like it. (Oh, please. If anyone ever actually invited Us anywhere, We don’t have a thing to wear, We just washed Our hair, there’s no time to Nair™, Fred Astaire, Linda Blair, Sonny and Cher.)


(Oh, shut up.)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass tastes good like a cigarette should)