Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, May 13st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Patrick, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to David, who also turns
twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. And also additionally too, Happy Birthday to
Beth, who also additionally too turns twenty-four today all the way out in
Al-t-t-toona Town.
Also, Happy Decimo Tercero de Mayo to
everybody else.
Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with
bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival
of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring
Neil Patrick Harris and Leni Riefenstahl…
(We are just going to keep right on saying
that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of
Creative ViZZZualization. (Although
apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader
actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))
(How many of you are now picturing Leni Riefenstahl as Yitzhak? (We’ll wait.))
A brief (yeah, right), funny (not so much “funny:
ha-ha” as “funny: he never asks for a second cup of bleach at home”)
story: We have been doing this “getting
NPH’s co-star’s name wrong” gag for a few weeks now. In (what passes for) Our mind, Yitzhak was
being played by Lena Dunham (We don’t really know who she is), the star of
something called Girls (We don’t
really know what that is). Today, as it turns
out, is her birthday, so We were going to change up the joke and use her real
name. Lo and behold, when We Googled the
whole mess on Wikipedia, it turns out that Yitzhak is ACTUALLY being played by
someone named Lena Hall (We also don’t know who she is).
Now, on the down side, both of these women
are famous, and We are not. On the up side, We have no earthly clue who the
fuck either one of them is, would not know them if We fell over them, and most
assuredly could not tell which one is which.
POP goes the culture!
In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves
(not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus,
Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it
with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum
noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In IMPORTANT celebrity birthday news, Our
future ex-husband Hunter Parrish was born today.
Your emotional side is in need of some attention — and you can make a real difference if you attend to your feelings. (WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HOW DARE YOU SAY A THING LIKE THAT TO US! WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!!!)
(Heh.
See what We did there?)
See if your people can give you the space you
need to take care of this. (Yeah, right. “Our people”. Now if only We could get one of Our people to
get Our people on the phone…)
Your feelings may fly around like an
unpredictable yo-yo today (A yo-yo is on a string…it is not the least bit
unpredictable. AssHatt.)
— so it’s not the best time to make any first
impressions on anybody. (Especially anybody named Lena, We’ll wager.)
Stick with the folks who know you well. (Mmmm,
sticky folks…Our favorite!)
You can’t control what kind of mood you’ll be
in when you are with others, but if they already know you, they’ll be fine with
whatever energy you put out. (Indiscriminate bastards.)
Your emotions are in control of your life for
today. (Wait…when did We get a life?)
Squeeze in some personal time today, (Oh, We
don’t buy the personal time in the squeeze bottle…We buy it in the aerosol
can.)
(Of all the things We’ve lost, We miss Our
mind the most.)
or else you could find yourself moving at
half speed or just feeling out of sorts. (This would be a good place for a poop
joke.)
Do something that renews you and you start to
feel — and look — just fine. (Yeah…like We can afford plastic surgery.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
