And now they’re all retarted.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandingoMonday, January 7st, 2013.   It has just come to Our attention that We have been saying “2012” ever since the new year began, with the exception of Turdsday, January Turd.  And guess what?  We ain’t goin’ back to edit it, neither.

It felt very strange not to e-pisstle on YouPeople for two days this weekend, after have e-pisstled upon you virtually every day since December 1th.  However, We did answer Our Own question about residual audience from Holidailies™ when We posted Our lowest hit count in MONTHS for Fridays e-pissode.  Why, We got more hits on Christmas Day itself than We got on Friday.  Yes, goys and burls, We shall soon be re-evaluating this e-ntire e-ndeavor.

In random other news, in a fit of something-or-another, We have taken up one of those New Year Pay-It-Forward challenges, for which We still require two more participants; please see Our SitOnOurFaceBook page status, and read the actual instructions. It seems mostly harmless.

Our dreams continue to be epic; upon arising yesterday, We penned this:

“It isn’t fair to have to make a bed in a dream.  In a dream, you should just have to lie in it.”

Not to bore you with the entire story, but this was in response to a dream in which someone actually wanted to go to bed with Us (this is how you know it was a dream), and We felt compelled to make the bed first.  Thus preventing the entire “going to bed” part.  Sigh.

Meanwhile, last night, We had some long, involved dream in which We disassembled Our refrigerator.  Who DOES that?

Speaking of autistic…er, artistic endeavors, here is how you would share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn  video with a friend:

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Oh. Our. God.  We thought it was just another day.  Come to find out, not only is it the birthday of Charles Addams, creator of The Addams Family, but also it is the birthday of Butterfly McQueen, who didn’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies in Gone With The Wind.  And, as if that weren’t all enough excitement for one day, it is also (are you sitting down?)  Millard. Fillmore’s. Birthday.

Does it get any better than this?

No, seriously…DOES IT?

Things are turning over (In their graves, no doubt.)

 and changing for the better (Okay, that?  Does. Not. Happen.)

— so even if things feel bad today, you can at least take heart  (Whose?)

and remember that it is all for the best. (Shut up, Dr. Pangloss.)

(That there was a litter-hairy reference.  ‘Cause We’re cultured like that.)

Ride out this wave and enjoy the rest of the month!   (Well, how CHEERFUL!)

(We have a little rant to go off on about being cheerful, but We may save it for tomorrow to give it proper time to Uncle Fester.)

It’s one thing to keep your hopes high, (It’s another thing to be fucking annoying to everyone around you.)

 it’s quite another to be in complete denial as to what your real chances for success are.   (Wait…We have real chances?!?)

Be realistic today.  (Well, YOU’RE the AssHat who was getting Our hopes up about having real chances.  Make up your damn mind.)

You are doing yourself no good by ignoring the facts that are confronting you. (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh. SWWDT?)

Face them head on, (Should We put Our face on before We head out to face them head on?  This is all very confusing…)

(Head, shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes)…)

(Sorry.)

and you’ll see they are not as bad as you fear.  (Is anyone still nakedly skimming? If so, could you leave Us a comment?  Or send Us a naked skimming pixture?)

Renewal is in the air right now, (The Addams Family started when Uncle Fester farted…)

so if you can just hold on and stay motivated long enough,  (THAT sounds like fun.)

you will be able to enjoy a change of tides. (Somehow, We just know there’s gonna be sand in Our Speedo™.)

This new tide will sweep in a much happier era in your life.  (Mmm-hmm.  You don’t expect Us to hold Our breath, do ya?)

It may just be one of those days. (Alternatively, it may be just one fot hse lifetimes.)

You’re a little crabby or uncomfortable in your own skin, or your crush suddenly seems not-so-hot.   (Whatever you just said, what We HEARD was that We will have crabs, a rash, and hot flashes.  Yippee.)

Take it easy.   (We keep saying how easy We are, but no one will let Us prove it.  (Okay, but first We’re gonna have to make this bed…))

Try a little exercise or meditation. (Have you met Us?)

Consider cocooning tonight.  (Is it just Us, or does that sound like an awful lot of work?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

So kiss me goodbye…honey, I’m gonna make it out alive

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Just Another Matlock Monday, February 27, 2012.

Andy Griffith…dead or alive?  We have no idea. (Still alive and eighty-five.  We just Googled him on Wikipedia.  Because that’s the kind of full-service information hooker We are here at Erix Daily WhoreOScope.)

Like you care.

So, it has come to this.

We should warn you, We did not watch so much as thirty seconds of the Gay SuperBowl last night, so if you came here this morning expecting pithy commentary on Angelina’s anorexia or Animatronic Billy Crystal, you are about to be sorely disappointed.

Has anyone ever actually said “pithy” and not thought “pissy with a lisp”?

“Pissy Withalisp” was, of course, the original name for Butterfly McQueen’s character in Gone With The Wind. (We didn’t want you to be TOO disappointed about the absence of movie coverage this morning.)

So, it has come to this.

We have just taken a call wherein We learned that We shall go to Lindenwold, New Jersey later this week and earn a hundred dollars.  We are just like a cheap hooker.  (Without the sex.  But then, you knew that.  We’re pretty sure that, whenever you think of Us (if you think of Us at all), it’s without the sex.)

Speaking of you, and you not thinking of Us, We should like to point out that the ever-so-mild winter that We have been having does not ameliorate (how’s that for a five-dollar word?   Give Us five dollars, dammit!) Our Seasonal Affective Disorder one iota, one whit, or one jot (you all did just sing that to the tune of “One bourbon, one scotch, and one beer”, did you not?), Seasonal Affective Disorder being associated with the absence of light as opposed to the presence of revolting winter weather.  Naturally, We are aware that We are in the home stretch of this year’s SAD, but that doesn’t help much when We it occurs to Us, as it did this weekend, that…you know what, never mind.

So, it has come to this.

Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month: Pisces video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 That would be the self-same link that, to the best of Our knowledge, no one has EVER used on one of their friends’ SitOnMyFaceBook pages to wish said friend a happy birthday.  We would blame that on the presence of The Bieber, except that the same is true of all of Our other TotMH videos.

Meanwhile, like a phoenix from the ashes of this cruel misuse comes this thought: what exactly would a movie script entitled Blame It On The Bieber  entail? (Our creative juices are now flowing; We hope We didn’t get any on ya.)

And now, Charlene Tilton sings “So It Has Come To This”.   Which is, of course, the sequel to the Peggy Lee classic, “Is That All There Is?”   And which, conversely, has absolutely nothing to do with “I Am Hennery The Eighth, I Am”.  (Hennery the eighth, I am, I am.  I got married to the widow next door; she’d been married seven times before.  And every one was a Hennery (Hennery!); there never was a Willy or a Sam (No Sam!) .  I’m her eighth old man, I’m Hennery.  Hennery the eighth I am, I am.  Hennery the eighth I am. (Second verse, same as the first… (Oh…is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

Stick to whatever you’re doing today (Johnny Depp?)

 

— it’s important that you show that you can persevere even in the face of certain failure. (If the failure is certain, wouldn’t you wanna start persevering in the other direction?  Just sayin’.)

 

Someone is watching, (No.  No, they’re not.)

 

and they need to see persistence and optimism.  (Well, then, We’re afraid they’re going to be severely disappointed. )

 

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 

 After a few weeks of turbulence, (No need for nervousness…it’s just a little turbulence.)

 

(Thank you, Kelli, for reminding Us of the Snakes on a Plane theme song (speaking of famous fillums), truly one of Our favorite songs of the past decade.  We shall be downloading it forthwith.)

 

one of your friendships has reached a lovely cruising altitude, lately. (Is it just Us, or does that sound vaguely dirty?  Care to clue Us in as to which of Our friends We’re about to be vaguely dirty with?)

 

You two are moving into a very nice phase. (Are you looking at Our moon?  ‘Cause We’re looking at Uranus.)

 

Having conversation is easy, and you’re communicating so well together that you can almost read each other’s minds. (You are beginning to frighten Us.)

 

Celebrate this situation together with a night out on the town, or a special dinner out. (Mmmm…dinner.)

 

You can go on a date with a friend — after all, isn’t a date just a time you schedule to spend exclusively with someone you like?  (How the hell would We know?  We haven’t been on one since the Clinton administration.)

 

So, it has come to this.

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.