Sleep in heavenly pieces

Another encore presentation, as The Sainted Mother’s computer doctor is coming to minister to her ailing computer…

 

 

 

Hello, Ducks!

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for Sunday!Sunday!Sunday!, December 23, 2012.  The sun is shining here in West Hinterlandia, and We hope it is shining where you are, as well. (We don’t actually care, but We thought We’d say that in case Santa Claus is reading this. Since he’s already seen Us when We’re sleeping (naked), and knows when We’re a fake.)

 

 

 

Check out Our new Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN  video above.  And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this link to share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

 

 

 

Meanwhile, this just in from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! correspondent, Helen Keller:

 

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

 

Why is everyone giving me the silent treatment today?

 

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

 

Uh oh. Been swallowing skittles instead of my birth control. Could be an interesting next couple of months.

 

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

 

Sooooo... Where the hell am I

 

And heeeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

 

Why are you sitting around reading this when you should be out shopping for Greg Biffle’s birthday?

 

 

 

You need to make sure that you stick with your principles today — though you may find it tough.  (Ya know what’s tough?  Liam Neeson.)

 

 

 

(We have no idea where that came from.)

 

 

 

That’s why we admire people with convictions, though, so remember what you want and go for it!  (Our prior convictions are none of your business.)

 

 

 

Perseverance takes patience, but it rewards you with more than you can ever imagine. (Some pitchman on television is hollering about making perfect pancakes.  Please come and kill Us now.)

 

 

 

 Right now, you need to just keep going.  (Poop!)

 

 

 

Stick with things long enough, and eventually things will start to make sense. (Ah, the old “better living through monotony” plan.)

 

 

 

Thereafter, everything you do will have much more purpose and possibility.  (Since We’re doing P-words, what about penis?)

 

 

 

Even the things that used to confuse you will now suddenly click in a whole new way (But won’t that be confusing in and of itself?)

 

 

 

 — and you’ll be struck by a great idea that no one else has thought of yet.  (Apparently, We haven’t thought of it either.)

 

 

 

You’ve got plenty of moxie during daylight hours, which makes it easy to be the first to introduce yourself.  (Did she say “moxie”?  Seriously?)

 

 

 

By later tonight, expect more calm.  (That’s what that “Silent Night” song says.)

 

 

 

 

 

(You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

 

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

 

May your daze be Mary

 

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManginaMonday, December 24, 2012. Happy Christmas Eve Was Weak I Can See Your Dirty Pillows.  We trust that all of your stockings are well-hung by the chimbley with Cher, whatever that may mean.  We also suspect that no one is reading this, so We shan’t tarry, dawdle, fold, spindle, or masturbate.

Check out Our new Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN  video above.  And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this link to share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

 

Meanwhile, this just in from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! correspondent, Helen Keller:

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

Was craving Pringles so bad but I accidentally just bought tennis balls. #FML

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

Just woke up cause I fell off my bed. Now I can't find it. This is gonna be a long night...

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

I don't even go to bed early on Christmas Eve. Santa just rolls right in and drops the shit off and I have no idea what's going on.

And heeeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

As if Christmas Eve weren’t already exciting enough, Happy Ricky Martin’s Birthday, everybody!

 

Your core values are on display today (Also, Our whore values.  Which are relatively low, considering We can’t even give it away.)

 

 — which could be weird, depending on where you are. (The expression you seek is “sweating like a whore in church”.  You’re welcome.)

 

 If you have to make a stink over something that others don’t care about, that’s hard — but crucial!  (Somehow, the phrase “a crucial stink” doesn’t inspire tidings of comfort  and joy.)

 

 Are you losing your patience with someone?  (No.  We are an Aries, so We had no patience to begin with.  Although, Kelli, the fact that you are an AssHat is particularly annoying today.)

 

If it seems like they can’t listen to reason, they may have made up their mind already.  (If they’ve made up their mind, that means it’s imaginary.)

 

Maybe they refuse to see any alternatives. (Alternatively, maybe they’re stupid.)

 

 If you feel like you’ve hit a brick wall, then step back and stop hitting your head against it!  (Are We alone in being dazzled by the staggering brilliance of this advice?)

 

(We’re pretty sure We’ve been completely alone in here for days, what with no one even bothering to ask Us who the hell Greg Biffle was yesterday.  (If We were (subjunctively) dawdling or tarrying, We might pause to invent a joke in which We beg to differ with Greg Biffle. Lucky for you, We’re not.)))

 

Learn when enough is enough. (Also,  learn not to beg to differ with Greg Biffle while paying wiffle ball.)

 

(Oh, shut up.)

 

(Micro$oft Weird™ autocorrected “wiffle ball” to “waffle ball”.  Is waffle ball even a thing?)

 

If you can’t deal with someone, you need to just work around them or avoid them altogether.  (Why is having them killed suddenly not an option?)

 

A relaxed attitude looks perfect on you today. (As does Our Christmas muu-muu.)

 

Your deep hotness has got a smoother edge, and while you still need to go after your desires, you need to start doing it in a more laid-back way.  (You had Us at “your deep hotness”.)

 

 

(You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

 

 

 

Sleep in heavenly pieces

 

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for Sunday!Sunday!Sunday!, December 23, 2012.  The sun is shining here in West Hinterlandia, and We hope it is shining where you are, as well. (We don’t actually care, but We thought We’d say that in case Santa Claus is reading this. Since he’s already seen Us when We’re sleeping (naked), and knows when We’re a fake.)

 

Check out Our new Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN  video above.  And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this link to share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

 

Meanwhile, this just in from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! correspondent, Helen Keller:

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

Why is everyone giving me the silent treatment today?

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

Uh oh. Been swallowing skittles instead of my birth control. Could be an interesting next couple of months.

Helen Keller‏@Helen_KelIer

Sooooo... Where the hell am I

And heeeeeere’s the HorrorScope:

Why are you sitting around reading this when you should be out shopping for Greg Biffle’s birthday?

 

You need to make sure that you stick with your principles today — though you may find it tough.  (Ya know what’s tough?  Liam Neeson.)

 

(We have no idea where that came from.)

 

That’s why we admire people with convictions, though, so remember what you want and go for it!  (Our prior convictions are none of your business.)

 

Perseverance takes patience, but it rewards you with more than you can ever imagine. (Some pitchman on television is hollering about making perfect pancakes.  Please come and kill Us now.)

 

 Right now, you need to just keep going.  (Poop!)

 

Stick with things long enough, and eventually things will start to make sense. (Ah, the old “better living through monotony” plan.)

 

Thereafter, everything you do will have much more purpose and possibility.  (Since We’re doing P-words, what about penis?)

 

Even the things that used to confuse you will now suddenly click in a whole new way (But won’t that be confusing in and of itself?)

 

 — and you’ll be struck by a great idea that no one else has thought of yet.  (Apparently, We haven’t thought of it either.)

 

You’ve got plenty of moxie during daylight hours, which makes it easy to be the first to introduce yourself.  (Did she say “moxie”?  Seriously?)

 

By later tonight, expect more calm.  (That’s what that “Silent Night” song says.)

 

 

(You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.