What ever happened to predictability?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  September Nineteenst, 2014.

We really just can’t even any more with this month.  Seriously.

****************************************

In random news from the WorldWideInterWebNetz, James Franco passed his orals at Yale.  We have no idea what “passed his orals at Yale” is a euphemism for, but We sure hope there’s a video.

Speaking of “passed his orals at Yale”, We have a vivid memory of John Stamos naked which We can only imagine is from a dream We had last night, as We would certainly recall having met John Stamos in real life. Especially were he (subjunctively) naked.

If We were making this shit up, We would have a third thing to put here.  But We aren’t, so We don’t.

*****************************************************

In other news, The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!

has been consistently SOLD OUT (and very well-received)  , so if you want to curry favor with Us by showing up  (because mmmm….curried favor) get your tickets now and/or quick, fast and in a hurry: http://fringearts.com/event/the-waitstaff-sht-the-bed-10/  (That assumes (thereby making an ass of Uma Thurman) that there are any of said tickets left; We have no idea.) The show plays twice more, tonight and tomorrow at 8 at L’Etage, and, if you perchance lay your hands upon tickets for tonight, you will encounter the extra added attraction of Us Our Own Self Personally working box office.  Because We’re multitalented like that.

************************************

Speaking of lemurs on Uranus,  (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Adam West is eighty-six today.  Now THERE’S a pair of purple leotards that doesn’t bear thinking about.  On the other hand, it is also Kevin Zegers’s birthday, and he can wear all the purple leotards he wants.  Especially if he’s “passing his orals at Yale”.

Aries

The rest of the year will seem to fly right by, along with a few hundred others, after you're frozen in a giant block of ice.

Taurus

Despite the efforts of literally hundreds of singers to tell you "let's go," you have yet to actually go.

Gemini

You'll come face-to-face with many of life's mysteries next week, none bigger than why the Angel of Death looks like a younger, slimmer Roy Clark.

Cancer

You're not usually the kind of person who cries at weddings, but this one's of a former lover, you're at a strange place in your life, and soot gets in your eyes when the whole church burns down with everyone inside.

Leo

It's sad to think that when they tell the story of your life, you'll only be remembered as one of two guys whose most notable achievement was to walk into a bar.

Virgo

You and a man with no arms will be stuck in an elevator together for three and a half hours, but it'll only take you eight minutes to piss him off with insensitive questions about ass-wiping.

Libra

Just when you start to think that you haven't seen the strange men in lab coats for a while, bam, there they are in line with you at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

Scorpio

After your 17th time around as an underpaid office worker in the late-20th-to-early-21st centuries, you're really starting to become disenchanted with the whole reincarnation thing.

Sagittarius

You'll discover a brilliant legal loophole that will both get rid of that annoying guy at work and force the Department of Justice to serve you any meal you want.

Capricorn

Sometimes you actually hate yourself for going out and drinking until five in the morning, but most times that's just what you tell people.

Aquarius

You firmly believe that everything has a soul, which explains why you think your tape dispenser is a bad person.

Pisces

The jury won't be able to really feel disgust at your habit of eating your murder victims, because, hey, who doesn't love deep-fried food on a stick?

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Oh, what a feeling when we're dancing on the ceiling

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, August Nineteenst, 2014.

Happy birthday to Larry, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy birthday also to OurAuntTish, who also turns twenty-four today, in MaryLand.

We are currently in the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may place it on the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of your friends having Leonine birthdays: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo

As promised, here are Our preliminary dates of attendance at Fringe Festival shows, in anticipation of the many handsome suitors who will vie to be Our dates at same:

Friday, September 5, 8:00 The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed, which We directed and wrote sketches for, at L’Etage.  We will be there that night, barring unforeseen difficulties at the Murder Mystery Factory, and We hope you will be too.  Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/the-waitstaff-sht-the-bed-10/

Monday, September 8, 8:00 Tribe of Fools’ Two Street: A Tale of Star-Crossed Mummers, at The Church of the Crucifixion.  We look forward to Tribe of Fools’ Fringe offering every year more than any other show.  We first saw them in Heavy Metal Dance Fag, then, in last year’s AntiHero, actors actually walked on the walls.  Maybe this year they’ll dance on the ceiling?  Tickets here:  http://fringearts.com/event/two-street-a-tale-of-star-crossed-mummers-12/

Sunday, September 14, 3:00 Truth Be Told’s Bent, starring OurSistahOvella, at the Power Plant.  Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/bent-7/

So if you have an overwhelming desire to see any of these shows, (or, more importantly, to date Us (We know you’re out there…We can hear you breathing)), holla at Us. (Note that We have not yet purchased Our tickets for these shows, so these dates are subject to change.  (Especially if We get offers of hotter dates on other dates.  (Or figs…because, mmmmm, figs!)))

Coincidentally, both of those last two productions are currently fundraising, so if you happen to have a mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound with which you know not what to do, you could donate them here:

http://www.gofundme.com/bent-philly-fringe  …for Bent…

or here: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/two-street   ... for Two Street.

(Is it wrong that We are now imagining how it would be so much more convenient for Us (it being, of course, All About Us) if they were (subjunctively) to combine these last two productions into one?  Gay Mummers Go To Dachau has a nice ring to it, no?)

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

We have just learned that it is John Stamos’s birthday.  We are hereby declaring a national holiday. (We wonder if he’d like to escort Us to a Fringe show?)

Aries

You'll become embroiled in a steamy office romance next week, which would be better if you weren't the trusty in charge of bringing the warden his meals.

Taurus

It's going to be hectic and stressful for the next few days, but it'll all be worth it by Friday when the pope excommunicates you for the coolest reason ever.

Gemini

You're a bit sad that you never get invited to cool parties, but you'll be downright angry when you hear about the awesome ones they hold at your place the second you leave every day.

Cancer

Remember, a bend in the road isn't the end of the road. While we're on the subject, the circular device on the dashboard can be used to turn your car.

Leo

Next week's horrifying accident inspires an outcry for more stringent safety standards in coal-fueled power plans until everyone realizes it was actually just all your fault.

Virgo

Your whole life is thrown into a terrible new perspective when you learn that Enter The Dragon is not intended to be a romantic comedy.

Libra

Your troubles will all be over next week, and what's even better, it all happens so fast that investigators will agree you probably didn't feel a thing.

Scorpio

You'll get a free beverage refill when ordering a large-sized French fries, but really that's going to be about it for you this week.

Sagittarius

You should avoid making any financial decisions next week, as the pain you'll be in from all the third-degree flash burns will probably affect your judgment.

Capricorn

While the ideal gas law is certainly important, your attempt to apply it to every situation in your life can only lead to disaster.

Aquarius

Former Rams quarterback Norm Van Brocklin will appear to you in a dream and explain to you at embarrassing length why you're not quite good enough for Bart Starr to appear in your dreams.

Pisces

All your hard work will finally pay off this week, but not, of course, for you.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

And I would do anything for love. Including THAT.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManaticMonday, August 19^st, 2013.

(“Manatic”, in case you were wondering (and We KNOW you were) is a newly neologized neologism meaning “of, like, or akin to a manatee”.  You’re welcome.)

(Having thus penned the immortal phrase “akin to a manatee”, We most likely should hang up Our Smith-Corona typewriter and retire from the literature business, so as to give someone else a chance.)

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAuntTish, who turns twenty-four today in Annapolis, MaryLand.

Astute readers (and why they find it so necessary to specify that they only read one stute at a time, We’ll never know) will have noticed that We spent last week entertaining you with a series of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Greatest Hitz E-Pissodes, which usually means We are travelling.  Now that We have returned, We can tell you that We spent a week at The Sainted Mother’s, relaxing, sunning, swimming, eating, and drinking.

But you don’t care about what WE are doing with Our summer; you care about what Chord Overstreet is doing with his summer.  And We are here to tell you that Chord is spending his summer hiatus from Glee  guarding lives at the Sainted Mother’s pool.  Hence his pixtures above.  Sigh.

In other news of vital importance to the realm, in between vacationation activities, We spent a great deal of Our time last week slaving and toiling over the script for Our Fringe show.   We are talking, of course, about  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:   

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb  

Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us up to the 70%- funded mark!

(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)

Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.

And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

And here is the HorrorScope:

Apparently, We all get an extra day of vacation, because it is John Stamos’s birthday, and certainly no reputable business would be open on John Stamos’s birthday. Enjoy!

You should get all the help you need — as long as you ask for it. (Help!  We need somebody!  Help!  Not just anybody!  Help!  Chord Overstreet’s body!)

Do you know what you really want? (Lettuce tell you what We want, what We really, really want…)

(D’ya think it’s possible to write this entire e-pissodes answer-backs in song lyrics?)

(Neither do We.)

(Do We Decimal System.)

(We have no idea.)

If not, that’s the first step, because you only get what you can actually articulate.  (And you can’t actually articulate if you go full ‘tard.  Which is why you NEVER go full ‘tard.)

What’s all the fussing and fighting about?  (Fellatio.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

(Heh.  “Coming”.  We kill Us.)

You bring your much-needed sense of calm to the center of a fracas.  (Dammit!  We misread the instructions, and brought  Calgon™ to the chicken of a fricassee.)

(Ask Ethel Merman you happen to see…what’s the best chicken?  Chicken fricassee.)

(Oh, admit it: you missed Us.  You KNOW you did.)

Frankly, some people just enjoy getting in a tizzy (Is it just Us, or does a tizzy sound like something that should have to be achieved by huffing some sort of chemical substance out of an aerosol can?)

(Just Us?  Alrighty, then.  (Whaddaya mean, where’d the oven cleaner get to?))

 — which is fine for them, but not so fun for the people who have to deal with them on a regular basis. (Our coffee isn’t right this morning.)

(Meanwhile, if you try to hurt Our feelings, and Our feelings get hurt  that hruts Our feelings.  On the other hand, if you hurt Our feelings because you clearly don’t care if you hurt Our feelings, that hurts Our feelings too.  We have a lot of hurt feelings these days.  And, Our feelings being, ultimately, Our Own responsibility, don’t be surprised when We do something about it.)

Fortunately, you’re ready to step in and save the day (What are We, Mighty Mouse?)

with a sense of perspective (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)

and a can-do attitude (What about a can-can attitude?)

(Is anyone else now hearing a Shop Rite commercial?)

that makes mincemeat out of some mountainous tasks.  (Was that a fat joke?)

(Also, what the hell actually IS “mincemeat”?)

Your coupled pals may be awesome, (We know.  We’ve seen the videos.)

but they’re just not able to understand you for the time being. (That’s that “full ‘tard” thing again.)

Spending more time with your single friends will be a lot more fun for you and for them.  (All the single ladies, all the single ladies…kiss Us quick, We’re Beyoncé.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.