Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManaticMonday, August 19st, 2013.
(“Manatic”, in case you were wondering (and We KNOW you were) is a newly neologized neologism meaning “of, like, or akin to a manatee”. You’re welcome.)
(Having thus penned the immortal phrase “akin to a manatee”, We most likely should hang up Our Smith-Corona typewriter and retire from the literature business, so as to give someone else a chance.)
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAuntTish, who turns twenty-four today in Annapolis, MaryLand.
Astute readers (and why they find it so necessary to specify that they only read one stute at a time, We’ll never know) will have noticed that We spent last week entertaining you with a series of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Greatest Hitz E-Pissodes, which usually means We are travelling. Now that We have returned, We can tell you that We spent a week at The Sainted Mother’s, relaxing, sunning, swimming, eating, and drinking.
But you don’t care about what WE are doing with Our summer; you care about what Chord Overstreet is doing with his summer. And We are here to tell you that Chord is spending his summer hiatus from Glee guarding lives at the Sainted Mother’s pool. Hence his pixtures above. Sigh.
In other news of vital importance to the realm, in between vacationation activities, We spent a great deal of Our time last week slaving and toiling over the script for Our Fringe show. We are talking, of course, about LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for which can be found here:
Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us up to the 70%- funded mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)
Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.
And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar
And here is the HorrorScope:
Apparently, We all get an extra day of vacation, because it is John Stamos’s birthday, and certainly no reputable business would be open on John Stamos’s birthday. Enjoy!
You should get all the help you need — as long as you ask for it. (Help! We need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! Help! Chord Overstreet’s body!)
Do you know what you really want? (Lettuce tell you what We want, what We really, really want…)
(D’ya think it’s possible to write this entire e-pissodes answer-backs in song lyrics?)
(Neither do We.)
(Do We Decimal System.)
(We have no idea.)
If not, that’s the first step, because you only get what you can actually articulate. (And you can’t actually articulate if you go full ‘tard. Which is why you NEVER go full ‘tard.)
What’s all the fussing and fighting about? (Fellatio.)
(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)
(Heh. “Coming”. We kill Us.)
You bring your much-needed sense of calm to the center of a fracas. (Dammit! We misread the instructions, and brought Calgon™ to the chicken of a fricassee.)
(Ask Ethel Merman you happen to see…what’s the best chicken? Chicken fricassee.)
(Oh, admit it: you missed Us. You KNOW you did.)
Frankly, some people just enjoy getting in a tizzy (Is it just Us, or does a tizzy sound like something that should have to be achieved by huffing some sort of chemical substance out of an aerosol can?)
(Just Us? Alrighty, then. (Whaddaya mean, where’d the oven cleaner get to?))
— which is fine for them, but not so fun for the people who have to deal with them on a regular basis. (Our coffee isn’t right this morning.)
(Meanwhile, if you try to hurt Our feelings, and Our feelings get hurt that hruts Our feelings. On the other hand, if you hurt Our feelings because you clearly don’t care if you hurt Our feelings, that hurts Our feelings too. We have a lot of hurt feelings these days. And, Our feelings being, ultimately, Our Own responsibility, don’t be surprised when We do something about it.)
Fortunately, you’re ready to step in and save the day (What are We, Mighty Mouse?)
with a sense of perspective (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)
and a can-do attitude (What about a can-can attitude?)
(Is anyone else now hearing a Shop Rite commercial?)
that makes mincemeat out of some mountainous tasks. (Was that a fat joke?)
(Also, what the hell actually IS “mincemeat”?)
Your coupled pals may be awesome, (We know. We’ve seen the videos.)
but they’re just not able to understand you for the time being. (That’s that “full ‘tard” thing again.)
Spending more time with your single friends will be a lot more fun for you and for them. (All the single ladies, all the single ladies…kiss Us quick, We’re Beyoncé.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.