Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, August Twoth, Twoth-ousand thirteen. Happy birthday to Edgar, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.
We are very excited today, as, at Our murder mystery this evening, We are having guests! That practically NEVER happens! (Our employer, of course, would have it that We ALWAYS have “guests”, however, in this instance, We mean personal guests whom We know.)
(In case you were concerned that We had suddenly gone sane, We will have you know that, when We typed “at Our murder mystery” up there, We distinctly heard Kathy Bates’s character from Misery saying, “At Our murder mystery, Mister Murderer, now get in the cock-a-doody car!”)
This being the fourth day We are mentioning this, perhaps even the naked skimmers are catching up: being on the cutting edge of hip-hop-happenin’ modern trends as We are, We are attempting to raise funds to produce Our Fringe Festival show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, via crowdsourcing.
To that end, We have launched a Kickstarter project (Kickstarter being one of the two major crowdsourcing websites), which you should go and look at here: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb When you do go there, you will need to click on the big pixture of Us in order to play the video, which should amuse you even if you are unable to contribute to the project.
Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SItOnMyFaceBook friends.
Also thanks to all of Our early-bird investors (why exactly One would WANT a worm is somewhat beyond Us, but whatevs), whose generosity has pushed Us over the 25%- funded mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)
And here is the HorrorScope:
Okay, Butch Patrick, who played Eddie Munster? Is sixty today. If anyone’s looking for Us, We’ll be pooping Our Depends™ while We drink a vodka and Geritol™. (Do they even MAKE Geritol™ anymore? Or does saying “Geritol™” to denote “something that old people use” peg One as an old person, because they don’t even make it any more? (We just Googled Geritol™ on Wikipedia…they DO still make it. Also, it is 12% alcohol. Kiss Us quick, We’re Lucille Ball.))
Details are aggravating today (Also aggravating is the leg cramp with which We woke up, which is clearly going to impede Our errand-running progress. Sigh.)
— you’ve got to either skip past (Well, okay. If, by “skip”, you mean “limp”.)
them or delegate them to someone who can handle them with more patience. (Hmmm….”someone with more patience”….well, that narrows it right down to, oh, say, ANYDAMNBODY.)
Keep your eyes on the big picture! (Was that a fat joke?)
Someone who is far away is going to be on your mind today (Indeed. ‘Cause he posted hawtt pixtures of hisself on the InterNetz.)
— and you are on their mind as well. (We somehow doubt that.)
(Let’s just hold Our breath here and wait for him to get in touch, shall We?)
In fact, they’ve been thinking about you for a while now and are eager to get back in contact — perhaps they’ve even started a game of phone tag with you. (Mmm-hmm. “Phone Duck-Duck-Goose” more like. Except without the goose.)
(Does anyone have a clue what the hell We’re talking about? Because We seem to have lost the thread…)
If so, today you need to make an extra effort to reconnect with them. (Remind Us exactly why WE always have to make all the (useless, futile) extra efforts?)
Not all of the people from your past are meant to be left there. (Um, yeah, they pretty much are. Because otherwise, life’s just one big long game of emotional Whack-A-Mole™, and ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.)
(Does it occur to anyone else that “Whack-A-Mole” looks as though it should rhyme with “guacamole”? Just Us? Alrighty, then. At Our murder mystery, Mister Murderer, now get in the cock-a-doody car!)
It’s time to buckle down (Also, buckle up for safety, buckle up! (What was that part about Geritol™ again?))
and get back to racking up some accomplishments. (And hacking up some hairballs.)
That could mean doing a little love-related research (Is that a euphemism?)
or a follow-up with a recent date, (Unfortunately, Our most recent dating was carbon dating.)
but make sure you take some kind of action soon. (Why? There’ll just be an equal and opposite REaction. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Sir Isaac “Big Fig” Newton.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.