There’s got to be a morning after

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, March 20, 2013.  Happy First Day of Spring to all of Our Gentle Readers!  Also, Happy Asstromalogical New Year!

It being the First Day of Spring, it is also the First Day of Aries, and, consequently, Our brand spanking new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video is above.  The link with which you would share it with all of your friends (assuming (thereby making Uma Thurman’s ass subsume Hume Cronyn (you’re not picturing that now, are you (you are?  Ooops…sorry.)))) is here: http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

We have Precious Little (Precious being the black sheep, as it (subjunctively) were of Chicken Little’s family) else to report today, although We do have this Vital-To-The-Realm news story:

Swing when you're winning

A Dutch dictionary has discovered the downside of letting online users vote for their ‘word of the year’, after they overwhelmingly opted for a word that means ‘to swing your penis’.

‘Swaffelen’ – which, specifically, means to swing the penis so that it bumps into another object or person – got 57% of the vote in the poll conducted by Van Dale publishers, after a popular blogsuggested readers vote for it (Google translation).

The word, which is thought to have originated over a decade ago, gained notoriety earlier in the year when a Dutch student got in trouble after he swaffelde the Taj Mahal (right), and then put the video of his swaffelen online (NSFW, obvs). There are now a disturbing number ofswaffel-related videos on YouTube

It seems swinging things was a particularly popular activity in the Netherlands this year, as the second-placed word was ‘wiien’ – meaning to play the Nintendo Wii.

Here, in case those links don’t work, is the link to the original item:  http://theridiculant.metro.co.uk/2008/12/swing-when-your.html

Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, (which opens this very Thursday) Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:

http://www.facebook.com/events/617567798260241/  

And, because it occurs to Us that there are some non-SitOnOurFaceBook users amongst Our Gentle Readers, here is a link to the actual theatre company where the same information can be obtained:

http://diversionproductions.moonfruit.com/

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Well, stop the goddamn motherfucking presses, swaffel Our face and call Us Mary!  Our Famous Celebrity Birthday Site, which keeps Us abreast (heh…she said “breast”) of famous celebrity birthday sightings, informs Us that it is…wait for it…the birthday of…are you still waiting?...

…Zonnique Pullins.

We should just stop right now, as clearly, We shall have to go bake a cake.

In fact, since virtually no one read yesterday’s horoscope, We think We shall do just that.

It’s a good day to hash out disagreements at work or nearly anywhere else. (Well, DUH.  The more hash you smoke, the less disagreeable you become.  Who didn’t know that?)

Your ability to make your case is heightened,  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Perry Mason.  (We’ll pause here, while the chirren Google “Perry Mason” on Wikipedia.))

and you should find that your adversaries come around to your side soon.  (But if We all sit on the same side, the boat will tip over.)

Your wit will be extremely fast and potent today (If you think THAT’S fast, you should see Our halfwit.)

— but that could be a mixed blessing, (Which is still better than a mixed nuts blessing, which can be very confusing.)

so be very careful about what you say and to whom you say it. (Oh, okay.  We will.  AssHat.)

Make sure that you’re only smarting off and being sassy in front of the people who know your sense of humor well.  (Okay, did anyone else just think that Sassy Smartingoff would be a really good drag queen name?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Strangers will not do a good job of picking up on your sarcasm. (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)

So going on auto-pilot is not something you should be doing today, especially when you are in a room full of important or influential people.  (What if We go on auto-erotic-pilot-light instead?)

(We are fairly certain there was an entire screenplay in that last sentence.  We are seeing Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron.  With Elijah Wood as The Beaver.)

 You may work better using the written word for the moment,  (All current evidence to the contrary.)

so take advantage of the online dating world.  (And how exactly would that differ from having a wank?)

(Sorry.)

If you find yourself in a romantic one-on-one meeting, make sure to think before you speak! (But We are the Queen of Extemporanea. (Or Norway.  One of those.))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Spring can really hang you up the most

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesdayWeldsCornAndWeDon’tKarenCarpenterAndYouWereALadyIsATramp…(sorry; Our needle got stuck.  (In a vein.  Pumping heroin.)), March 19, 2013.  Happy Belated Birthday to Scott, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  While We were at tech rehearsal. At 10:30.  AM.  In the morning.  For those of you in the biz who know what tech rehearsal is, We were finished AND HOME by 1:30.  Smell Us and be jealous.

(Scott, if you are reading this, it’s Kathleen’s one-woman show; see links below.)

Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, (which opens this very Thursday) Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:

http://www.facebook.com/events/617567798260241/  And, because it occurs to Us that there are some non-SitOnOurFaceBook users amongst Our Gentle Readers, here is a link to the actual theatre company where the same information can be obtained:

http://diversionproductions.moonfruit.com/

In other news, We are told that Spring begins tomorrow, but We will believe it when We see it.

In still other news, here is Our capsule review of Celeste and Jesse Forever, which We watched this weekend:  in his eighteen seconds of screen time, Elijah Wood demonstrates that HE is a movie star, while the rest of these folks in this movie are…well, whatever they are.  Also, if you get a leading role in a movie, even if it’s your very first one, even if you’re eating ramen noodles and ketchup packs, and living in the trunk of somebody’s car, get your goddamn teeth whitened.  Nobody wants to look at your ugly-ass goddamn butter-colored teeth.  KThxBye.

Speaking of butter, why don’t’cha all butter up Uranus and share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces with your friends:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 . Tomorrow, Our Aries video will debut!

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Oh. Our. God.  Not only is it Glenn Close’s birthday, it is also Moms Mabley’s.  We barely know whether to scratch Our watch or wind Our ass.  (Much like the “Our needle got stuck” quip from earlier, this watch-winding thing doesn’t work anymore either, as many of Our Gentle Readers will have never seen a watch that One would wind.  Sigh.  We are old.)

It’s a good day to hash out disagreements at work or nearly anywhere else. (Well, DUH.  The more hash you smoke, the less disagreeable you become.  Who didn’t know that?)

Your ability to make your case is heightened,  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Perry Mason.  (We’ll pause here, while the chirren Google “Perry Mason” on Wikipedia.))

and you should find that your adversaries come around to your side soon.  (But if We all sit on the same side, the boat will tip over.)

Your wit will be extremely fast and potent today (If you think THAT’S fast, you should see Our halfwit.)

— but that could be a mixed blessing, (Which is still better than a mixed nuts blessing, which can be very confusing.)

so be very careful about what you say and to whom you say it. (Oh, okay.  We will.  AssHat.)

Make sure that you’re only smarting off and being sassy in front of the people who know your sense of humor well.  (Okay, did anyone else just think that Sassy Smartingoff would be a really good drag queen name?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Strangers will not do a good job of picking up on your sarcasm. (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)

So going on auto-pilot is not something you should be doing today, especially when you are in a room full of important or influential people.  (What if We go on auto-erotic-pilot-light instead?)

(We are fairly certain there was an entire screenplay in that last sentence.  We are seeing Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron.  With Elijah Wood as The Beaver.)

 You may work better using the written word for the moment,  (All current evidence to the contrary.)

so take advantage of the online dating world.  (And how exactly would that differ from having a wank?)

(Sorry.)

If you find yourself in a romantic one-on-one meeting, make sure to think before you speak! (But We are the Queen of Extemporanea. (Or Norway.  One of those.))

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

You came and you gave without taking

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandyPatinkinMondayBecauseAGrownManCalled”Mandy”IsAPerfectlyEveryDayThingJustAskBarryManilow, January 28, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Patrick, who turns twenty-four today here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Amanda, who turns twenty-four today in NewYawkNewYawkAHelluvaTown.  Also also, Happy Belated Birthday to Petr, who turned twenty-four this past weekend SomeWhereOnTheLeftCoastWhereItIsSunnyAndWarm.

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Where We are always knee-deep in twenty-four-year-olds.  (Did that sound dirty? (We certainly hope so.))

In other news, We have a project that We just learned of at the end of last week with an absolutely insane deadline of this week.  It involves Our purchasing of a piece of equipment, and learning to do something technical.  And all We get in return is the CHANCE that We may get an opportunity.  What could possibly go wrong?

Meanwhile, since We are not supposed to be telling you about Our dreams, We will not be telling you about The One In Which We Got Our Equity™ Card.  Nor about The One In Which We Broke Our Sistah Ovella’s Car, nor about The One In Which We Went To Dinner With Somebody We Used To Go To Dinner With, Thereby Reminding Ourself Why We No Longer Go To Dinner With This Person, nor about The One In Which We Went To A Funeral But We Don’t Know Whose.  You’re welcome.

In keeping with Our constant goal of Making YouPeople Feel Better By Comparison,  We should like to point out that, in between such futile weekend efforts as shoveling the snow that really would have all melted if We’d just left it alone, We had the great misfortune to watch Daniel Radcliffe’s fillum The Woman In Black. Not, mind you, that the fillum was a complete atrocity, it’s just that there is no earthly reason why it was ever made.  It’s a perfectly workman-like non-gory horror fillum like many churned out in the 70s, all of which starred Chris Sarandon (Susan’s ex). The spoken words of the script would occupy about five typewritten pages; everything else is atmosphere. Without Mister Radcliffe, no one would have ever bothered making it, but all his presence seems to be telling Us is that he’s not Little Harry Potter any more.  Which, of course, We really didn’t need to be told, having seen video of him waving his magic wand about in Broadway’s revival of Equus.  He can’t possibly have needed a paycheck that badly (or, if he did, he needs to sack his financial advisors).

So that was 90 minutes of Our life that We’ll never get back; hopefully, We’ve prevented you from sacrificing the same.  You’re welcome.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthdays today, Happy Birthday to Elijah Wood (We just BET he would) and Nick Carter (he would, too).  Also, Alan Alda turns a million and two years old.

Life is an adventure, (Yeah.  The Poseidon Adventure.)

and when your energy is this active, that just means that you’re more likely to get to the good parts quickly!   (Mmm-hmm.  The good parts.  Once We wrap this up, We’ll be going to Radio Shack/Best Buy.  In this weather.  And Our day will no doubt only get better from there.)

Now is a great time for you to forget the future and embrace the present.  (Will there be presents?   We doubt it.)

 Try to pay more attention (Sorry…what did you say?)

 to any young adults or teenagers who may be in your life right now. (Aren’t there laws about that sort of thing?  What are We, a Catholic priest?  A Penn State football coach?)

You make a very good role model  (We know…We look JUST like a roll.)

and you have some interesting ideas (Oh, yes.  Yes, indeed, We do.)

that they would benefit from. (Also, BeneFiber™. You heard it here first.)

If all the kids you know live far away, send an email or a thoughtful gift. (What is all this harping on kids all of a sudden?)

Just make sure that you are integrated into their lives in some way.  (We are fully integrated.  Why, right this very minute, we are channeling Our inner angry black woman.  Her name is Saliva, and she is about to take her earrings off.)

They have some things to teach you, and as the adult, (Who, Us?  Have you not been paying attention?)

you need to be the one to open up the lines of communication.  (Two Dixie™ cups and a string, Bay-Bee!)

Every now and then you confuse wanting to be involved with someone with wanting to take care of them. (Also, every now and then We confuse Dylan McDermott with Dermot Mulroney.  But that happens to pretty much everybody.)

Watch out! (Don’t tell Us what to do!  You are not the boss of Us!)

Sympathy is a laudable emotion, (Mandible ablution, indubitable emulsion…there’s a joke in there somewhere, but We just can’t get it out.)

but it’s not a good enough reason to be with someone romantically.  (Elijah Wood.  (No, really…he would.))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.