Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, March 20, 2013. Happy First Day of Spring to all of Our Gentle Readers! Also, Happy Asstromalogical New Year!
It being the First Day of Spring, it is also the First Day of Aries, and, consequently, Our brand spanking new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video is above. The link with which you would share it with all of your friends (assuming (thereby making Uma Thurman’s ass subsume Hume Cronyn (you’re not picturing that now, are you (you are? Ooops…sorry.)))) is here: http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
We have Precious Little (Precious being the black sheep, as it (subjunctively) were of Chicken Little’s family) else to report today, although We do have this Vital-To-The-Realm news story:
A Dutch dictionary has discovered the downside of letting online users vote for their ‘word of the year’, after they overwhelmingly opted for a word that means ‘to swing your penis’.
‘Swaffelen’ – which, specifically, means to swing the penis so that it bumps into another object or person – got 57% of the vote in the poll conducted by Van Dale publishers, after a popular blogsuggested readers vote for it (Google translation).
The word, which is thought to have originated over a decade ago, gained notoriety earlier in the year when a Dutch student got in trouble after he swaffelde the Taj Mahal (right), and then put the video of his swaffelen online (NSFW, obvs). There are now a disturbing number ofswaffel-related videos on YouTube
It seems swinging things was a particularly popular activity in the Netherlands this year, as the second-placed word was ‘wiien’ – meaning to play the Nintendo Wii.
Here, in case those links don’t work, is the link to the original item: http://theridiculant.metro.co.uk/2008/12/swing-when-your.html
Here is the SitOnOurFaceBook event where you can find out all about the show We’re directing, (which opens this very Thursday) Uncharted Waters (and its companion piece, Superwoman), and say you’re coming:
And, because it occurs to Us that there are some non-SitOnOurFaceBook users amongst Our Gentle Readers, here is a link to the actual theatre company where the same information can be obtained:
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
Well, stop the goddamn motherfucking presses, swaffel Our face and call Us Mary! Our Famous Celebrity Birthday Site, which keeps Us abreast (heh…she said “breast”) of famous celebrity birthday sightings, informs Us that it is…wait for it…the birthday of…are you still waiting?...
We should just stop right now, as clearly, We shall have to go bake a cake.
In fact, since virtually no one read yesterday’s horoscope, We think We shall do just that.
It’s a good day to hash out disagreements at work or nearly anywhere else. (Well, DUH. The more hash you smoke, the less disagreeable you become. Who didn’t know that?)
Your ability to make your case is heightened, (Kiss Us quick, We’re Perry Mason. (We’ll pause here, while the chirren Google “Perry Mason” on Wikipedia.))
and you should find that your adversaries come around to your side soon. (But if We all sit on the same side, the boat will tip over.)
Your wit will be extremely fast and potent today (If you think THAT’S fast, you should see Our halfwit.)
— but that could be a mixed blessing, (Which is still better than a mixed nuts blessing, which can be very confusing.)
so be very careful about what you say and to whom you say it. (Oh, okay. We will. AssHat.)
Make sure that you’re only smarting off and being sassy in front of the people who know your sense of humor well. (Okay, did anyone else just think that Sassy Smartingoff would be a really good drag queen name? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
Strangers will not do a good job of picking up on your sarcasm. (Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.)
So going on auto-pilot is not something you should be doing today, especially when you are in a room full of important or influential people. (What if We go on auto-erotic-pilot-light instead?)
(We are fairly certain there was an entire screenplay in that last sentence. We are seeing Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron. With Elijah Wood as The Beaver.)
You may work better using the written word for the moment, (All current evidence to the contrary.)
so take advantage of the online dating world. (And how exactly would that differ from having a wank?)
If you find yourself in a romantic one-on-one meeting, make sure to think before you speak! (But We are the Queen of Extemporanea. (Or Norway. One of those.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.