In Oklahoma, not Arizona…what does it matter? What does it matter?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Thursday, November 01th, 2012.  Happy Dia de los Muertos to all Our dead readers out there.  Also to Fred and Ethel Muertos.  And Happy All Saints Day to Our Catholic readers.  (That sort of pales by comparison to “Dia de los Muertos”, dunnit?  Especially if you manage to roll that tricky R in the middle there. (What?  Ricky Ricardo would do it.))

How We got from Dia de los Muertos to I Ruv Roosy, We haven’t got any idea.  (And Micro$oft Weird™ autocorrecting “Ruv” to “Rub” didn’t help matters, neither.)  At any rate, Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today.  Our SitOnMyFaceBook informs Us that, although he used to be in Africa, he is now in Arizona.  Apparently, he is seeing the world alphabetically. Which (and if you don’t see this coming, you may not know Us as well as you think) would seem to be A Long Way To Tipperary.

Heh.  We kill Us.

Also, Happy Birthday to Beth, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Suburbia.  Which, say what you will, is alphabetically much closer to Tipperary.

(We were about to embark on a long dissertation concerning the distance to Uranus, but We stopped Ourself in the nick of time.  You’re welcome.)

(Having, however, thus cited It’s A Long Way To Tipperary AND Uranus as a geographic destination, We may be inspired to craft an original song about Uranus for Our upcoming Starzina One Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Show, coming soon to a theatre near YOU. (Or near U.  (And Uranus.))

(Is anyone else hearing “U and Uranus” to the tune of “Me and My Shadow” now?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Avid Erix Daily Horoscope readers who are non-naked-skimmers (and now We’re picturing some of the rest of you, nakedly skimming.  We always enjoy that.  Sigh.) will recall that We have friends in The Witch City, Salem, Massachusetts.  Which is closer to Uranus than Arizona.  But not as close as Suburbia.  Alphabetically speaking, at any rate. (Speaking alphabetically would seem to be extremely difficult.  Also counterproductive, communication-wise.  Here, for example, is the preceding paragraph, alphabetically speaking:

Alrighty and and anyone else hearing is Just Me My now of Shadow the then to tune U Uranus Us.??

But We digress.)

We mentioned Salem to tell you that this morning, We had a SitOnMyFaceBook message from the hotel at which We stayed on Our last visit, telling Us that they are beginning today to accept reservations for Halloween 2013.  And you thought Uranus was anal.

Speaking of digressing and naked skimmers, We are fairly sure that We have mentioned before, but We imagine it bears repeating, just how many of Our Gentle Readers We have actually seen naked.  And still We can’t get laid.  Go figger.

*************************************************************************************

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In case you were wondering why today feels extra-specially festive, it is also Aishwarya Rai Bachchan’s birthday.  She is a former Miss World, which, though it sounds ridiculous, is at least possible, as opposed to Miss Universe, which, come on, how the hell does THAT get decided?  Also, how the hell do you say “chch” all together, and does someone provide a spitguard? (Apparently Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t, because it doesn’t recognize the word.)

You can’t just assume (Well, DUH.  That would make an ass out of you and Uma Thurman.  (Uma Thurman, parenthetically (hence the parentheses) is about as close to Uranus as you can get without being Uri Geller.))

that everyone else gets you today (Fuck it…anyone who wants Us can have Us.)

— it’s up to you to be as clear as you can!  (Honey, if We get any queerer…what?  Oh.  Never mind.)

Communication problems that start today are sure to linger, (The hell you say.)

so nip them in the bud when possible.  (Or just stick ‘em in Uranus.)

The bright and carefree attitude of a close friend  (Did We just accidentally stumble into a feminine hygiene spray commercial?)

has been darkening lately, (Anal bleaching.  It’s a thing now.  Look into it.)

but you shouldn’t let this change scare you off!  (If they over-bleach it, do you wind up with Albino Anus?  (And don’t it make your brown eye, don’t it make your brown eye, don’t it make your brown eye blue…))

(Heh.  We’re on a roll now.  Hold the mayo.  Meanwhile, is it just Us, or does Albino Anus sound like a character out of Li’l Abner?)

They need your feedback more than ever right now — but they just don’t know how to ask you for it. (Well, We’re just gonna give it to ‘em anyway!)

 Why not reach out to them? (Why not, indeed?)

A sweet email is the perfect way to let them know that you are there for them without making them feel embarrassed.  (Hey, We’ve already seen ‘em naked…how much more em-bare-assed can they get?)

(That there was a little play-on-words thingie.  How wuzzit?)

Remind them that you are available if and when they need you. (We are pretty much available no matter what.  Sigh.)

Even if they don’t reply, they will appreciate the gesture.  (Oh, we gotcher “gesture” right HERE.)

Flirting can be extra fun right now, (Not as much fun as farting, but still…)

but avoid taking it too far.  (We are a one-woman whoopee cushion.)

(What?  We’ve already quoted a Crystal Gayle song…clearly, it’s Anything Can Happen Day here at the Messkateers Club.)

Keep your tone light, (Fine…We’ll have ‘em bleach it along with Our anus.)

your responses noncommittal  (We’ll see about that.)

(Heh. SWWDT?)

and your options open. (Which is not the easiest thing in the world when you’re standing on your head with a bottle of Clorox™ in Uranus.)

There’s no reason to get involved until you’re ready.  (Set a timer.  Otherwise, Uranus might disappear entirely.)

                           

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Take. On. Me. Take. Me. On.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thurzdet, March 29, 2012.  That there was the Frawnch spelling, as in “ballet” and “bidet”.  Not to be confused with Tori Spelling, doing ballet in the bidet. Which would be a whore of another scullery.  Which is similar to a horse of another color, but charges by the hour.

Now that We’ve cleared THAT up, didja know that if you took all the blood vessels in your body and laid ‘em end to end, you’d die?  We just learned that on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning.  Meanwhile, if you took all the sorority girls in the country and laid ‘em end to end, nobody would be a bit surprised.  Thank you, Dorothy Parker.

We should just throw in the towel and devote the rest of today’s e-pissode to Dorothy Parker quotes.  Clearly, all her mots were bon, whereas all Our matzoh balls. (Dorothy Parker would never have said that.  In fact, she would most likely have had no idea what the hell We were talking about, and she probably would have smacked Us.  Fortunately, she’s dead.)

And We are off, once again, frantically turning chicken shit into chicken salad…

Go look at Our latest video:  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Here are some things on which to click, should you mayhaps have an itchy clicky finger.  Or an achy breaky heart.  Or a penchant for saying “mayhaps” while wearing assless chaps and playing craps. (You think THAT’S bad?  We tried but failed to work “Pap smear” into that sentence.  Orange you glad We didn’t say banana?)

And here is a HorrorScope:

You need to deal with a situation that is somewhat imposing  (Nobody expects the Spanish Imposition!)

— but your mental energy lets you handle it in a way that impresses all the right people. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Uri Geller!)

Make it look easy and you can move forward quickly.  (Nothing is as easy as We are.  Now if only someone would give Us an opportunity to prove it.)

If you’re keeping your thoughts to yourself (We have no thoughts.)

because you think it will prevent arguments, (Are not.)

(Heh.  See what We…oh, never mind.)

don’t bother. (Could We get a T-shirt that says that?)

Because if you speak up and unleash your more opinionated side, (Wait…We have a LESS opinionated side?!?)

you will see some dramatic results. (Hedda Gabler.)

(That was a little Ibsen joke.  For Our Ibsen joke fan readers.  Where the hell else are ya gonna get an Ibsen joke?  Henrik Ibsen, Henry Gibson….it’s a fucking Norwegian laugh riot in here.)

The people around you right now not only want to know what you think, they want to discuss it with you. (Good thing they’re all imaginary.  (We do everything the voices in Our pants tell Us to do.))

Get ready to talk about complex issues, (People who live in complexiglass houses shouldn’t get stoned.)

(What?)

and let your personal feelings guide your argument. (Also, let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.)

Lead with your opinions, but close the argument with facts.  (Well, alright, but if We’re gonna argue with Ourself, We’d better at least win.)

You may be turning your energy to household matters, but your heart and mind are busily processing what’s been going recently in other areas. (Sounds like all of Our multiple personalities have multiple personality disorders.  Pity the poor waiter who gets Our table.)

Prepare for an ‘a-ha!’ moment regarding your love life. (Apparently, the 80s band A-ha was also Norwegian.  So there is a theme.  Shut the front door, Nora!)

(That was another Ibsen joke.  But you knew that.)

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Greetings, Echinoderms Reveal Insectuous Connection---

(Yes, We said “insectuous”, Micro$oft Weird™.  Put on your high heels and get over yourself.  We blinded you with science.)

Here is your horoscope for Friday, November 19, 2010 (Happy Friday to all you denizens of the working world.  (Does the working world have denizens, or is that just the underworld?  (Is there a working underworld?  And who exactly are they working under? (Linguisticisms are complexicated.  Fortunately, We are cunning, linguistically.  Our tongues, let Us show you how We speak in them.)))):

(We have precious little to report.  We shall attempt to disguise that fact with luscious prattle.  It may be a specious battle, but We are in facetious fettle, eating delicious Skittles™ while listening to sumptuous heavy metal.)

(How are We doing so far?  Alrighty, then; moving on…)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

A little extra patience can pay off in a big way today, (See also:  Aries, Definition Of.  Patience?  Not so much.)

so make sure that you’re letting others see your quieter, more tolerant side. (Jigga what? (We were going to put a Monty Python joke here.  But then We realized We were conflating Monty Python’s “I’d like a license for my pet fish, Eric” sketch with their “dead parrot” sketch, and suddenly Our joke just wasn’t funny anymore.  Sigh.))

It’s a really good day for you to let others take the lead.  (Oh, fine.  Let ‘em have the d@mn lead, then.  Also the zinc, the cadmium, and the molybdenum.  But tell ‘em to keep their greedy hands off the fu(king tungsten.)

(That was a little “heavy metal” joke.  (Very little.)  Kiss Us quick, We’re My Chemical Romance.)

You’ve got a lot of living to do (Bye-bye, Birdie.)

and you may have been going a little overboard lately (Mostly, however, We’re just board.)

— but knowing impulsive you, (Impulse me, my sweet impulsable you…)

(It’s just a riotous musical smorgasbord in here this morning, innit?)

it’s probably surprising (SURPRISE!!!)

that you haven’t gone further than you have! (Don’t tempt Us.)

It’s time now to sit down and look things over, though, with an eye toward creating — and sticking to — a nice, stable budget. (We ain’t got a d@mn JAWB, We are pretty sure We can’t afford a stable.  Fu(k you, and the wh0re you rode in on.)

Now stop giggling. (“Giggling”?  “GIGGLING”?!?  We assure you, (thereby making an ass of you and Uri Geller) that We are far too serious to giggle. Oh, sure, We may chortle or guffaw.  We may even titter from time to time. But giggle?  No sir.)

(Heh.  “Titter”.  Funnier than “butter”, almost as funny as “dicker”, all according to Cocker.)

You can do it. (Obviously.  We’ve been doing quite a lot of it this morning.)

(You DID notice that We’d slipped into a British accent a few paragraphs back, didn’t you?)

Besides, aren’t you trying to save up for a vacation?  (Actually, We’re saving up for a winning PowerBall™ ticket.)

You’ve got lots of friends (And still, We have to pay for Our own d@mn therapist.)

— you can’t be the only single one among them! (And yet, We never have a date.  Go figger.)

Get down to the basics and start networking in earnest. (We’re not a hundred percent sure, but We suspect that might be a little disconcerting for poor Earnest.)

Even if you don’t find your soulmate, (How telling is it that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “soulmate” is a word?)

you can find like-minded pals for a new P.O.V.  (Also, We could put Our IUD in the VCR.  LOL.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

When an eel bites your heel while he's copping a feel, that's a moray.

Greetings, Explaining Remaining Insane Châtelaine---

Herewith your horoscope for Friday, September Turd (That just doesn't have the ring of "90210 Day", does it?)---

(The Real Housewives of South Philly is making must-see lists all over the city.  These just in:  http://www.phawker.com/2010/09/02/artsy-getting-your-fringe-on/ and http://www.philly2philly.com/culture/culture_articles/2010/9/2/34902/theater_picks_the_2010_philadelphia_live_arts_festival_and_p , which called us "a surefire winner".  Get your tickets NOW before any more shows sell out:  http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=13844 )

(Our-O-Scope:)

Do not pass go, do not attempt to collect $200 (Oh, great.  Board games.)

and do not -- repeat, do not -- (Mmmm....donuts.)

allow yourself to be in the vicinity of whoever or whatever it is that pushes your buttons. (So wait...this "button pushing" is BAD?)

If you feel yourself losing it, leave. ((A.) What if We never had it to lose in the first place?  and (2.) "Leave."?!?  It's Our house.)

Immediately.  (One lone adverb does not a sentence make, DickSmoker.)

 Keep your cell phone handy, (And your hell phone sandy.)

(What?)

and have a friend call you at nine. (If only We had such power.)

It's up to you to decide whether it's an 'emergency' or 'a wrong number.'  (What if it's an emergency wrong number?  Like, say, June Lockhart calls to say Timmy's fallen down the well again (stupid fuckin' retard), and she thinks she's called Lassie's phone (yeah. Because dogs have phones, June.)  Can We promise to send help, and then just hang up and not do anything?  Will THAT teach that Mongoloid idiot of a Timmy to stop playing near open wells?  Or will it cause him to start playing with Orson Welles?  Inquiring minds want to know.)

This is no time to pretend there's nothing wrong if you're really furious. (What if We're only spuriously furious?)

 You won't be able to, for starters -- and why pass up the opportunity to say your peace? (Yes, folks, she actually said "say your peace".  And here We sit, a writer who actually speaks PROPER English, with no jawb.  Up yours, Kelli.)

(Uri-Geller-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

always after me Cowgrass Charms...they're fanatically meretricious.)