A whole new world

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadDog20/20Monday, October 14^st , 2013. Happy Birthday to Steve P., aka The Steve P., who may or may not turn twenty-four today, in, We just learned, Hoboken.  Which is practically New York, but yet not really.

(We had to put the “P.” there, because Our nickname for Steve was always “The Steve Steve’sLastName”, because he was, like, ya know, famous and all.  Of course, here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, We don’t use last names, in order to protect the anonymity of Our Gentle Readers.  (We could, We suppose, have used a nom de plume. Which is, of course, Frawnch for “name that One calls One’s feathers”.  Which, now that We think of it, really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. (It does, however, make more sense than “nom de pubes”, which is Frawnch for “name that One calls One’s pubic hair”, because who the hell names their pubic hair?)))

(Note to Self: Ask The Steve P. what he calls his pubic hair.)

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Ellie, Ken, Liz, and Thom, each of whom turned twenty-four on Saturday, for a grand total of ninety-six.  All of them right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, except for Liz, who did her twenty-four-turning in New York.  Which is not only practically New York, but, in fact, IS New York.  And has, presumably, no aspirations to be Hoboken.

(Note to Self: play on words involving “Hoboken” and “housebroken”.)

Happy Belated Birthday also to Jana, Jesse, Ross, and OurAmericanCousin Sarah, each of whom turned twenty-four on Sunday, except for OurAmericanCousin Sarah, who didn’t, so We have no idea what their grand total is.  Math is hard.  So is geography: while Jana turned twenty-four right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, Jesse turned twenty-four somewhere in Illinois.  Since all We know about the geography of Illinois is Lesley Ann Warren flashing her cootchie while singing “Chicago Illinois” in Victor/Victoria, We’re gonna say that Jesse did his twenty-four-turning in HottieVille.  Which is like HooterVille, but with Hotties.

Ross, meanwhile, did his twenty-four-turning on an aeroplane, on his way back to The Colonies from Estonia, or Latvia, or some such place.  And OurAmericanCousin Sarah turned whatever age she turned in the wilds of Pennsyltucky.

(This just in from the wilds of the WorldWideInterWebNetz:  in queso trouble, pray to Cheezus.)

Speaking of pubic hair (what, you thought We forgot?), We trust you all enjoyed the remainder of your Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week.  This week is, as We told you Friday, Picturing Peter’s Peter Week.  Which would include, presumably, Picturing Peter’s Pubic Hair, unless there’s been some sort of bizarre manscaping incident.

(Note to Self:  ask Peter for his nom de pubes, and report back to Gentle Readers.)

Having spread all of THAT happiness around, Happy Columbus Day to the rest of all y’all.  How cool would it be to get a day named after yourself for “discovering” something that was there the whole time?  Like, if Peter walked into this room naked right now, We could “discover” his pubic hair.  Of course, Peter would have known his pubic hair was there the whole time.  So, naturally, We’d have to kill him off with syphilis. Then and only then could We plant Our flag in his pubic hair and claim it for Spain.

Why We don’t have a job teaching history to grade school students, we haven’t got any idea.

And here is the HorrorScope:

As if Columbus Day weren’t (subjunctively) enough excitement for one day, it is also Dwight D. Eisenhower’s birthday.  An occasion which We are about to make all the more special for you by uttering the phrase “Dwight D. Eisenhower’s pubic hair”.

You’re welcome.

One of your deeply-held ambitions comes closer to the surface today, (Is it just Us, or does that sound like it’s gonna hurt?)

and you’re happy as can be about that. (If you’re happy and you know it, give the natives the clap.)

Things are looking up for you, (Which, as We said just recently, is all fine and dandy, unless you’re a turkey in the rain.)

(Someone left my turkey out in the rain…I don’t think that I can take it, ‘cause it took so long to bake it…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Donna Summer.)

so just believe in yourself and all should work out for the best.  (How can We believe in Ourself when We know that We’re imaginary?)

A new person in your life is sparking some questions in your own mind — where are you going — how soon do you need to get there? (What if the Hokey-Pokey really IS what it’s all about?)

Answers won’t come easy, and they shouldn’t. (Oh, please.  These days, even the QUESTIONS don’t come easy.)

If they do, you’re probably just telling yourself what society expects of you. (Society shouldn’t hold its breath.)

So just let these questions simmer for a while (Alternatively, bake then at 350 for one hour.)

and don’t put too much pressure on finding an answer right now. (Why not?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Sooner or later you will come to some conclusions that will give you a firm foundation (And, more importantly, a firm foundation garment.)

and a plan of attack.  (Plaque of a tan, caftan in black….there’s a joke in here somewhere, but We can’t get it out.)

Some new, amazing, compatible folks are almost certainly heading your way now, so keep your options open. (Our options are WIDE open.  Also, fully dilated.)

Don’t overlook people who could make awesome friends (Out of what?)

— they could also know the one for you. (Wait…there’s one for Us?  After all this not getting any?  We’ll believe that when We see it.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Don’t want no short people.

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It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, February 08, 2011.  You are probably wondering where I was on MONDAY morning, when you desperately needed a Starzina fix after staying up late to watch Superior Bowling followed by Glee. I had a bidness meeting.  (Relax, I didn’t do anything crazy like get a jawb or make any money or anything.)

I my own self personally did not watch the football this weekend.  American footballers’ costumes are far too cumbersome to appreciate the athletic male form thereunder. (Micro$oft Weird™ will have it that “thereunder” is not a word.  It will, however, permit “hereunder”.  One wonders (heh) what it thinks of “thunderthighs”.)   While the footers were strutting and fretting their hour upon the Astroturf™, I was watching Scott Pilgrim versus the World.  Three thoughts: how is it that ONE hour of American football equals FIVE HOURS of telly? Also, how is it possible that, at the spry young age of twenty-four, I am entirely too old for that movie?  On the other hand, it is very refreshing to know that Michael Cera is a movie star. (Yes, I do realise that that last thought wasn’t a question, and, hence, was not parallel with the first two.  I also realise that go fu(k yourself.)

Also, it has come to my attention that the distribution list for these epistles may have some outdated email addresses on it.  I will be attempting to rectumfy that situation within the next few days.  So, if you are not receiving this because I am sending it to an outdated email address, please let me know.  However, if you are receiving this but not reading it because you are a nasty, dirty, naked skimmer, please send nasty, dirty, naked skimming pictures of yourself, so I can have them published in your grandmother’s church bulletin.  KThxBye.

The WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Pictures on SitOnMyFaceBook are a double-edged sword…on the one side, there are pictures of one’s exes, in which one can see that they have gotten enormously obese and hooked up with ugly people.  On the other side, there are glamorous celebrities hanging out with other glamorous celebrities at glamorous parties to which one was not invited, possibly because one has gotten enormously obese and hooked up with ugly people.  Sigh.

You’ve got that burning need to explore once again (Fortunately, a ten-day course of antibiotics will clear that right up.)

— there’s no use trying to resist it. (So cease and desist the resisting, Sister.)

You should make at least one major discovery by the end of the day, (Kiss me quick, I’m Christopher Columbus.  (Of course, with my luck, if I were (subjunctively) to discover a continent, it would be populated by incontinent people.))

(I’m just going to let you all party with that thought for an additional moment.  You’re welcome.)

even if you spend all your time online.  (“Spend”?  What is this “spend” of which you speak?  I am so poor, I cannot even pay attention.)

You might not have psychic abilities per se, (I knew you were going to say that.)

(See what I did there?)

but today you will have such a strong sense of your future (Is it just me, or does my future smell like two-day old ass in three-day-old drawers?)

(I just made that saying up right this minute on the very spot.  And yet it sounds like a veritable piece of Americana, no?)

that you’ll experience a level of confidence you haven’t felt in quite a while. (Depends™’ll do that for you.  (Squish.))

Your dreams have been giving you clues for a while now, and even if you don’t remember all of your nighttime images, your subconscious has been busy putting the pieces together. (Well, then, my subconscious needs to get on the fu(king stick and sell the bloody movie rights.  ‘Cause ain’t nobody reading THIS shit.)

Deep down inside you know how things are going to pan out. (Is it just me (again), or is today’s Kelli-scope awfully intestinally-focused?)

So trust your gut today (See?)

— it knows what it’s talking about!  (“And Echo there, whatever is asked her, answers ‘Borborygmy and flatulence.’” (That’s a little Tennyson, for you Yanks whose knowledge of poetry ends at ‘There once was a man from Nantucket.”))

The mixed signals you’ve been getting are maddening — sometimes they seem really into you, but at other times they’re totally distant. (Wait, “they”?  As in, more than one person?  And yet, I can’t get people to answer my phone calls and emails?)

You’re tempted to just ask them what’s going on, but now is not a good time. (“Not a good time” has been the operative phrase for quite some time now.)

 Just hang on for a little longer. (When you get to the end of your rope, tie a noose in it and hang on.)

 

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Everything’s free in America, for a small fee in America

Greetings, Ericson Repudiates Impostor Columbus---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, October 11, 2010  (Oh, my dears!  Happy Columbus Comes Out Day!  (The Nina, the Pinta,  and the Santa Maria…how gay is THAT? (Funny, no?  We cannot, unfortunately, lay claim to that joke, as We heard it on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning.  (Actually, We can’t seem to lay much of anything.  Which is why We Our Own Selves Personally won’t be coming out today.  Because, if you don’t believe Us, We’ve got no proof.)))):

(At any rate, here in America at least, We trust all of Our Gentle Readers with jawbs have the day off.  But, if not, We are here to entertain you!

(So here’s this:

(And here’s this:

(And heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Jesus:

))))

(Our-O-Scopes:)

After all this time of making sure you've done the exact right thing at the exact right time, (Oh, sure, NOW you tell Us.)

you're about to discover that you've not only done that (Whoopsie!)

-- you've also inspired others to follow in your capable footsteps. (Is it just Us, or does “capable footsteps” sound like We’re wearing Sensible Shoes?  On National Coming Out Day?  We don’t THINK so, Missy!  We may just put Our Come-Fu(k-Me pumps on and take Ourselves out for a Columbus Comes Out cocktail.  Perhaps We’ll encounter some friendly natives.  And give them syphilis.  Oh, the places We’ll go!)

Enjoy it. (As soon as you tell Us what “it” is.  @sshat.)

It's lovely to be truly appreciated.  (How the hell would We know?)

No one needs to tell you to mete out your energy carefully. (Of course not.  Because who talks like that? “Mete”, indeed.)

You've got that part down pat. (Who is this Pat person, and how soon can We get Our part down him?  (Did that make anyone else think of Pat Paulsen?  G0d, YouPeople are old!))

You might need to be reminded of quitting time, however.   (Also, remember to remind Us about the Alamo.  In case We forget.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Cowgrass…it does a body good)