It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, February 08, 2011.  You are probably wondering where I was on MONDAY morning, when you desperately needed a Starzina fix after staying up late to watch Superior Bowling followed by Glee. I had a bidness meeting.  (Relax, I didn’t do anything crazy like get a jawb or make any money or anything.)

I my own self personally did not watch the football this weekend.  American footballers’ costumes are far too cumbersome to appreciate the athletic male form thereunder. (Micro$oft Weird™ will have it that “thereunder” is not a word.  It will, however, permit “hereunder”.  One wonders (heh) what it thinks of “thunderthighs”.)   While the footers were strutting and fretting their hour upon the Astroturf™, I was watching Scott Pilgrim versus the World.  Three thoughts: how is it that ONE hour of American football equals FIVE HOURS of telly? Also, how is it possible that, at the spry young age of twenty-four, I am entirely too old for that movie?  On the other hand, it is very refreshing to know that Michael Cera is a movie star. (Yes, I do realise that that last thought wasn’t a question, and, hence, was not parallel with the first two.  I also realise that go fu(k yourself.)

Also, it has come to my attention that the distribution list for these epistles may have some outdated email addresses on it.  I will be attempting to rectumfy that situation within the next few days.  So, if you are not receiving this because I am sending it to an outdated email address, please let me know.  However, if you are receiving this but not reading it because you are a nasty, dirty, naked skimmer, please send nasty, dirty, naked skimming pictures of yourself, so I can have them published in your grandmother’s church bulletin.  KThxBye.

The WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Pictures on SitOnMyFaceBook are a double-edged sword…on the one side, there are pictures of one’s exes, in which one can see that they have gotten enormously obese and hooked up with ugly people.  On the other side, there are glamorous celebrities hanging out with other glamorous celebrities at glamorous parties to which one was not invited, possibly because one has gotten enormously obese and hooked up with ugly people.  Sigh.

You’ve got that burning need to explore once again (Fortunately, a ten-day course of antibiotics will clear that right up.)

— there’s no use trying to resist it. (So cease and desist the resisting, Sister.)

You should make at least one major discovery by the end of the day, (Kiss me quick, I’m Christopher Columbus.  (Of course, with my luck, if I were (subjunctively) to discover a continent, it would be populated by incontinent people.))

(I’m just going to let you all party with that thought for an additional moment.  You’re welcome.)

even if you spend all your time online.  (“Spend”?  What is this “spend” of which you speak?  I am so poor, I cannot even pay attention.)

You might not have psychic abilities per se, (I knew you were going to say that.)

(See what I did there?)

but today you will have such a strong sense of your future (Is it just me, or does my future smell like two-day old ass in three-day-old drawers?)

(I just made that saying up right this minute on the very spot.  And yet it sounds like a veritable piece of Americana, no?)

that you’ll experience a level of confidence you haven’t felt in quite a while. (Depends™’ll do that for you.  (Squish.))

Your dreams have been giving you clues for a while now, and even if you don’t remember all of your nighttime images, your subconscious has been busy putting the pieces together. (Well, then, my subconscious needs to get on the fu(king stick and sell the bloody movie rights.  ‘Cause ain’t nobody reading THIS shit.)

Deep down inside you know how things are going to pan out. (Is it just me (again), or is today’s Kelli-scope awfully intestinally-focused?)

So trust your gut today (See?)

— it knows what it’s talking about!  (“And Echo there, whatever is asked her, answers ‘Borborygmy and flatulence.’” (That’s a little Tennyson, for you Yanks whose knowledge of poetry ends at ‘There once was a man from Nantucket.”))

The mixed signals you’ve been getting are maddening — sometimes they seem really into you, but at other times they’re totally distant. (Wait, “they”?  As in, more than one person?  And yet, I can’t get people to answer my phone calls and emails?)

You’re tempted to just ask them what’s going on, but now is not a good time. (“Not a good time” has been the operative phrase for quite some time now.)

 Just hang on for a little longer. (When you get to the end of your rope, tie a noose in it and hang on.)

 

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.