Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, February 25, 2011.  First and Formosa, We need to point out that the WaitStaff’s Sunday show at the World Café Live is a City Paper Agenda Pick for the week.  So nanny-nanny poo-poo to all lesser events.  You can see that here:  http://citypaper.net/articles/2011/02/24/the-waitstaff .  And you can get your tickets, if you have foolishly not yet obtained them, here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616 .  And you can see Himself after the show and buy him a drink, because lord knows We want him kept the hell out of Our hair.

Is it just Us, or does “first and Formosa” sound like it should lead to “second and mimosas”?  But no time for such frivolity here at Casa de Crotchrocket this morning; We are having a veritable flurry of productive activity.  We’ve done laundry, and dishes, and performed unnatural acts with Our natural hair color, thereby rendering it even more natural than before.  All this before noon, mind you, and in the midst of some weather that looks like the afterbirth of a back alley abortion.  (On the plus side, We feel compelled to point out, it looks like the afterbirth of a back alley abortion IN THE SPRING, which is far more cheerful than its winterian counterpart, involving, as it does, an afterbirthsicle. (Is anybody else ready to move on to the next paragraph?  Because We certainly are.))

Actually, We have absolutely nothing to contribute to a new paragraph, so let’s just start the horoscope, shall We?

You need to dig a little more deeply (Tina, bring me the axe!)

and see what you can find. (Well, that all rather depends on where One is digging, now, doesn’t it? (Hmmm…this newest paragraph seems to have taken a turn for the revolting as well.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))

You’re sure to hit on some new place or person that fits right in with your master plan, (SSSHHHHH!!! Our master plan is a SECWET.)

as long as you take the time to explore.  (How can One be an explore, if One was never a plore to begin with?)

The best strategy for today is to have no strategy whatsoever. (Well!  Then clearly everything is going to go just swimmingly!)

You must put aside your agenda (No!  Because We are an Agenda PICK.  Did you see?  http://citypaper.net/articles/2011/02/24/the-waitstaff  Is what YOU’RE doing this weekend an Agenda Pick?  We didn’t think so.)

and just let everything unfold in its own way, in its own time. (Which reminds Us, We’ve got to move this along, as there is laundry to be folded.  Because We know when to fold ‘em, and it’s after they come out of the dryer.  Who doesn’t know that?  Why do people need a song to tell them that?  Shut up, Kenny Rogers.)

 If you’re involved in a big event or contest, there’s no way to swing the outcome in your direction. (Of course there is.  It’s called cheating.  Duh.  This is America, fercrissakes.)

If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. (Oh, goody.  First Kenny Rogers, now Doris Day.  Why did no one tell Us it was Antique Pop Music From Hell Day?)

Now is not the time for major moves in a love, school or financial context. (How ‘bout major moves in a love, school, AND financial context?  Which would mean, for those of you not following closely along, opening up a whore school.)

Just sit tight for a while (Well, that depends on whose lap We’re sitting on, now, dunnit, Ducks?)

and wait until the stars say it’s a wise time to go forward.  (We’ll take Charles Nelson Reilly for the block.)

(Heh.  “Whore school”.  Readin’, writin’, and rhythm method.  We kill Us.)

 Put up a new pic on your profile — a clear close-up that comes with a smile (So no Xeroxing Our butt, then?)

— and make time to sort through the new responses. (Yeah, We’ll block some time right out for that on Our busy, busy schedule.)

Better still, message a few new hotties that interest you! (Tried that.  Restraining order.  Sigh.)

*****************************************************************************    

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.