Summer's here and the time is right for dancin' in the street.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Frito Lay™, November 4, 2011.  It occurs to Us that We have actually blogged in here every day this week, including Sunday.  Working Our fingers to the boner for YouPeople, We are.  And do you call?  Do you write?  Do you cause Our video to go viral?  Mais non.

We would ask you all to share the following with at least one other person (or on, say, your SitOnMyFaceBook page) today, but We suspect you haven’t even looked at it your own self: 

Here is the link with which you can share the preceding with your Scorpio-birthdayed friends.  Because, ya know, you care about Us like that:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzWPpMcE_go

We were just inspired to change the thumbnail shot for Our video when We realized how much like a Muppet We look in the current thumbnail.  Also that the current thumbnail was giving away Our wardrobe malfunction.  Insert Miss Piggy joke here.

Meanwhile, something is awry-askew-amiss with Our Google-O-Meter™; it insists that someone arrived on these hallowed pages by searching “hotter than a two-dollar pistol”, which is an expression We had never heard until this morning, and most assuredly have never uttered. That is not quite as scary as the one who got here by searching “LSD gummy worms”.  Also, the Charlene Tilton onslaught continues apace…one wonders if it is some sort of publicity stunt to score her a berth on the new Dallas reboot.  And, if so, if there is some way We could translate it into a similar berth for Our Own Self.  Surely JR could use an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)…

The oddest statistic of all, however, are the folks who arrived here from this “referring website”:  http://www.canadagoosestore.org/ .

Well, however you got here, We’ve gotcha now…duck, Ducks!  Here comes the HorrorScope:

You need to make the most of what you’ve got today  (Oh, please.  If We “make any more” out of what We’ve got, We’re gonna need a whole new wardrobe.  Of caftans. (We were gonna say “muu-muus”, but We weren’t sure about the pluralization…”muu-muus”?  “Muus-muu”? “Yvette Mimieux”? (In addition to Charlene Tilton, you will note that these hallowed pages seem to be single-handedly keeping the name of Yvette Mimieux in the public eye.  We trust Ms. Mimieux is appropriately grateful.  (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), two cunning linguistic digressions occur to Us.  Number One, some sort of “pubic eye” joke, and (B.) why does “grateful” not mean “full of grates”? (Tertiarily, We now want to say “Hail, Mary, full of grates” in much the same way as We often wish shopkeepers and the like, “Have a Great Dane.”)))))

(Okay, that there?  Was a whole lotta parentheticalization.)

— and that most likely means helping others out.  (Out of what?)

If you’re not sure whether or not they really need you, go for it anyway — why not?  (Yeah.  People love that.)

Your pioneering spirit is tightening its grip on your heart right now, (That can’t be good.)

and ambitious travel is sure to follow.  (Or death.  One of those.)

 It’s a great day to figure out where you want to go next, (Hell.)

and how you want to get there. (Handbasket.)

Consider making it a solo journey, too (Like We have a choice.)

— that should make it much easier for you to wander off the beaten track and keep your days spontaneous. (Nothing is easier than being spontaneous, as long as you plan it all out in advance.)

Meanwhile, back at home, you can count on a close friend to keep everything in your life running smoothly.  (Mmm-hmm.)

If you could tear off your clothes and run down the street naked, you would — that’s just how crazy you feel today.  (If you have ever been to OurHouseWhereWeLive, you will enjoy, as We do, pixturing the neighbors’ reactions to same.  No doubt they would include some variation of hollering “Car!!!” to warn the chirren that a car is coming.)

So? Do it in the confines of your own home. (How does One run down the street in One’s Own home?)

Crank up the music and dance around in your birthday suit. (Shouldn’t We iron it first?)

Such liberty will truly invigorate you.  (We are thinking that “liberty” and “invigorate” could easily be replaced in that sentence, but We’re not quite sure by what.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

You put your right ball in, you put your right ball out…

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Moustache Montage, October 24, 2011.  Happy belated birthday to AJ, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  And happy birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today.  On the twenty-fourth.   What are the odds?  (Y’all are still trying to figger out what a moustache montage consists of, aren’t you?  Wankers.)

Here is this:  http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/f40385dcde/titanic-s-final-facebook-posts?playlist=featured_pictures_and_words  , which is much funnier than We are this morning.

And now, without further ado or Yvette Mimieux, here is the HorrorScope:

Put aside any selfish thoughts (No.)

and give your all today — your energy is much better spent on others than it is on your own stuff. (Oh, please.  Who can afford stuff?)

It’s one of those days (Indeed.)

when you can rack up all kinds of good karma!  (Like a chameleon?)

(Who didn’t see THAT coming? (Sit DOWN, Helen Keller.))

 As uncomfortable as conflict can be, (It’s no match for sandpaper condoms.)

 it is not an inherently bad thing. (Who let Martha Stewart in here?)

 The waters that rush over stones are literally rubbing them the wrong way, but beauty is the result.  (Put it in a fucking haiku.)

These polished, smooth stones are something more than they could be without a powerful force affecting them.  (We said, “Put it in a haiku” because haikus are short.  Unlike this metaphor, which appears to be endless.)

You are like one of those stones today.  (Dear Lord Jeebus, make it stop.)

So when you feel someone pushing against your ideas, don’t discount that person.  (Throw stones at them?)

This conflict will polish and improve you.  (Polish THIS, Bee-Yotch.)

As hokey as it sounds, (The Hokey-Pokey really IS what it’s all about.)

a good poem can really help your wooing chances. (“Wooing chances”?  Seriously?)

Whether you decide to pen your own prose or recite a famous sonnet, your intended will be impressed with your love for language.  (Yeah.  Because writing this horoscope every day has kept “intendeds” lined up around the block.  Meanwhile, Our Google-O-Meter tells Us that this episode: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html  of Erix Daily Horoscope is constantly getting an inordinate number of hits.  Which either means We’ve gotten stuck in the craw of some automatic WorldWideInterWebz crawler, or else Charlene Tilton is sitting at home Googling herself over and over.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Baby, it’s cold outside

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, January 24, 2011.  Happy belated birthday to Deedee, who turned twenty-four over the weekend.  In case you’re having trouble translating today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Christian Dior Yvette Mimieux, it says, “You are cordially invited to blow the fu(king weather out your big fat smelly hairy @sshole.”  Sheer poetry, no?  Here at Casa de Crackpot, we require a three- or four-day window in the precipitatory aspects of said anally-expelled weather in order to have our roofer come over and take our leak.  And it looks like that is not going to happen yet again this week.  Needless to say (she said, promptly saying it anyway (as One does)), we are less than thrilled.

In other news, we are just DAYS AWAY from a WaitStaffian announcement of mammoth proportions (no, it has nothing to do with the size of Himself’s @ssz.) You are all, no doubt, simply lactating with anticipation.  As you do.

“Lactating with anticipation.”  Heh.  I kill me.  Milk…it does a body good.

Apropos of nothing, here is a joke:

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

You’re not being selfish today;  (How the hell did THAT happen?)

that much is clear. (Well, at least SOMETHING’S clear.  Meanwhile, speaking of clear, it LOOKS like a beautiful day outside.  Unfortunately, all reports are that it is as cold as the proverbial witch’s tit in the proverbial brass brassiere. (Is it just me, or does a brass brassiere sound singularly uncomfortable regardless of ambient temperature?  And wouldn’t it turn your breastusses green? (If you think I worry about unusual things, you should hear the things I DON’T tell you about.)) Nevertheless, as apparently tomorrow God’s Ex-Lax™ is kicking in and some frigid heavenly crap is destined to fall upon us, I expect it would be prudent to go out for some form of constitutional today.)

Even if you do end up ahead, (How is it that one ends up Ahead, but BEhind?  Why not BEhead and Ahind?  (Is it just me, or does “Ahind” look like the name of some guy behind the counter at 7-Eleven?))

your friends and colleagues are likely to end up even further along, thanks largely to your team spirit.  (Oddly enough, my team spirit smells like teen spirit.  (If anyone would care to send over a drunken nineteen-year-old for a comparison, I’d be eternally grateful.))

It’s going to be an interesting day, (Although you’d certainly never know it from this horoscope.)

as the expression goes, (There’s an expression that says, “It’s going to be an interesting day “?  Am I the only one who’s unfamiliar?)

complete with the possibility of a visit from the dreaded green-eyed monster. (To say nothing of the green-titted witch in the brass brassiere.   (See?  There’s a thread here and everything.  Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ informs me that “titted” is not a word.  Especially when one puts three Ts in the middle of it.  But even with two Ts, it is frowning upon it.  And suggesting that I might wish to replace it with “tatted”, “totted”, “twitted”, “titter”, or “tilted”. None of which is the same thing at all.  I suppose “titty-twister” is out of the question?))

If it shows up, don’t blame yourself. (I need a scapegoat!)

Jealousy is in the air; it has been for some time now. (All things considered, I’d rather be sniffing the teenagers.)

 That doesn’t mean you did anything to cause it, or that you’re responsible. (Oh, please. Once that drunken nineteen-year-old shows up, I’ll show you just how irresponsible I can be.)

Your only defense is to be honest, stand your ground and explain what happened.  (I was swimming where some boys were.)

After that’s done, you can only hope they understand.  (Understand.  The first word I ever heard…(All the gay bois are now hysterical.  Everybody else is all “WTF?”))

There’s no time like the present to put a little romantic energy out there!  (Considering the back-alley abortion that is today’s weather, I am thinking one might want to keep one’s “romantic energy” indoors.  Just sayin’.)

Don’t go all-out (Or balls-out.  Because it’s COLD out there!)

— simply helping a colleague or complimenting a cute stranger can make your world brighter.  (Does the cute stranger happen to be a drunken nineteen-year-old?)

  (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.