You're fat as a horse and find that you're knocked up

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Wednesday, February 13, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Fran, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in suburbia.  And, to the rest of YouPeople, Happy Hash Wednesday.  Also, Happy Chinese New Year.      Welcome to the Chinese Year of the Trouser Snake.  But don’t be alarmed…it’s Chinese.  So the trousers are pajamas, and the snake is an inchworm.  Also also, Happy VD Eve.  Which is like Summer’s Eve™, but with thirty-seven percent more douche.  Why “douche” doesn’t rhyme with “touché”, We’ll never know.

As you can see, William Faulkner’s urine stream of consciousness continues to have nothing on Us.

Remember, man, that thou fart dust; they cancelled As the World Turns.

Do you think We could get His Popeness to explain that to Us real quick before he goes off to play golf, or tat doilies, or whatever it is that retired Popes do with themselves?  Oh, wait…there hasn’t BEEN a retired Pope since 1415.

Naturally, We are only jesting like this to distract Ourself from Our upcoming audition for Popehood.  We don’t want to get overconfident.  Although We’re pretty sure We’ve got the whole thing in the bag.  We’ve decided to sing “Tap Your Troubles Away” from Mack and Mabel for Our upbeat number, and “Defying Gravity” from Wicked for Our ballad.  And for Our monologue, We’re going completely off the board and doing Sojourner Truth’s Ain’t I A Woman.  None of the other candidates will be doing THAT.

But the thing that has Us the MOST excited is that we have just this minute learned that the Pope…is INFALLIBLE!  And, as you all know, We thought We were wrong once, but We were MISTAKEN!  Talk about a shoe-in!  To demonstrate Our infallibility, We thought that, for Our dance number, We’d perform all seven parts of the “Who’s That Woman?” number from Follies.  Sondheim is pretty infallible, right?  Even if he did write the music for Dick Tracy.

Speaking of old men in dresses and ruby slippers,  We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  You can obtain tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 and find more info here
http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more festive, it is Stockard Channing’s sixty-ninth birthday!  Which means she was thirty-four when she played a high school student in Grease. Math is hard.

Your active energy is making life a lot more interesting (We thought We smelled something.)

— and your friends and colleagues are more than willing to let you lead the way!  (Lazy bastards.)

Don’t think too hard, (No worries there.)

just take action.  (We are fairly certain that it was Sir Isaac Newton who said, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite inaction”.  A fact of which We pride Ourself of being the (barely) living proof.  (Sir Isaac Newton was better known, naturally, for inventing the Fig Newton™.  Because, seriously, would you rather have physics, or cookies?))

A very unique culture is inspiring you right now, (Indeed.  It has taken over most of the crisper in Our fridge.)

so today you need to start trying to integrate it into your life more. (Honey, We’re already doing Sojourner Truth; how much more integrated can We get?)

Whether you do it through the food you eat, the music you listen to, or the places you hang out in, immersing yourself in something new will invigorate you and fill you with an incredible sense that anything is possible.  (Don’t fuck with Us…We’re infallible.)

Take a real break and get out in the world, experiencing all the light and the heat.  (Bitch, it is February.  Back AWAY from the crackpipe.)

Tonight, do something participatory — go dancing or hit a karaoke bar — instead of just watching passively. (Oh. Our. God.  We should totally go be infallible at a karaoke bar!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key

Greetings, Encyclopedia Reader’s Intelligence Crashes---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, August 23, 2010 (Happy Monday to all Our peeps and peepettes!  In case you were unaware, today is National Futility Of All Human Endeavor Day.  (But then, what Monday isn’t?)):

(You will recall that We were off this Sunday to raise funds for a fillum at a fillum fund-raising fundraiser.  (For some reason, We just had a flash of an Amish barnraising, which We are pretty sure isn’t at all the same thing.  For example, at the end of an Amish barnraising, they’d have, oh, I don’t know, a BARN, whereas, at the end of the fundraiser in question, the fillum makers didn’t so much have any funds.  However, that is neither Our point nor Our problem, as the fillum makers in question had no intention of putting Us Our Own Selves Personally into their little fillum, and, in fact, would probably not p1ss on Us if We were (subjunctively) on fire. (We are going to use this mention of fire like a crowbar to yank Us bodily out of this parenthetical digression…)).  THERE We go, and now We’re back, from outer space, We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face…(ooops.)  The amusing part of Our story involves the loose lip-synching ship drag queens who were to follow Us in the entertainment portion of Our program.  Prior to curtain, one of them was showing Us her sparklers, which fit tastefully into the pointy ends of her McDonna-esque conical brassiere.  We expressed Our concern for her well-being, igniting such things so near a headful of wig which was so clearly not human hair.  Skipping ahead in Our story, We strutted and fretted Our fifteen minutes upon the stage and went home, where Our WorldWideInterWebNetz informed Us that said drag queen had set fire, not to her hair, but to the stage at the World Café Live.   There were, apparently, no casualties, and a good time was had by all.)

(Changing the subject for a moment, We are appalled that Micro$oft Weird™ refuses to recognize “barnraising” as a word.  This is clearly a case of anti-Amish discrimination, and We intend to protest by promptly gathering all Our Amish friends together and raising a barn at Ground Zero.)

(What a shame that you can tell We are joking by the fact that, with as few friends as We have, the likelihood of any of them being Amish is practically nil.)

(We have no idea what to do with the fact that Micro$oft Weird™ also doesn’t recognize “headful”.)

(Speaking of discrimination, We have been following with some envy the travels of a fellow blogger who was invited (all expenses paid, mind you) to some faugh-faugh-faugh convention of blogging elite in New Yawk City.  Why, We lamented, couldn’t We  be invited to such a gathering?  We blog.  Only two people read Us, but still, We blog.  Turns out, the convention in question was for WOMEN bloggers.  Well, slap Our face and call Us Mary.  Women bloggers, indeed.  Ain’t *I* a woman?  Well, AIN’T I?  Seriously.  We are polishing up Our delivery of Sojourner Truth’s “Ain’t I A Woman?” speech, slightly repurposed, for next year’s Women Bloggers Convention.  There won’t be a dry seat in the house.)

(Extra credit for any of all y’all who are currently pixturing Us in drag as Sojourner Truth.)

(Here is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for the upcoming WaitStaff show in the 2010 Philly Fringe Festival, The Real Housewives of South Philly: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts#!/event.php?eid=140078749365736&ref=mf  Please note that that show will also be playing on September 25 at Ursinus College (for all of Our Ursinian readers), as well as the following weekend, October 2 & 3, in the Wilmington Fringe Festival (for all of Our Delawarian readers).)

 (For those of you who missed the fillum fundraiser, here is the monolog We performed there.  (This video just surpassed 500 hits.  Really, people?  The Little Engine That Could  is for fu(king CHIRREN, okay?)):

)

(Our Our-O-Scope:)

Tying up loose ends will be quite rewarding now (Especially tying them really tight around people’s necks.)

-- so strike while the iron is hot. (Alternatively, strike ‘em with a hot iron.  The screaming, the scarring…it’s win-win.)

Start early, and resolve to stay late if need be. (All things considered, We would much rather start oily, and resolve to stay laid.)

You'll be so darned proud of yourself tomorrow (And yet, apparently not proud enough to say “damned”, like a grownup.)

you won't be able to stand it!  (This list of things We are able to stand diminishes by the second.)

Whether you're asking or accepting, (Or asskissing or Amishbarnraising)

(It’s probably not necessary to point out that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “Amishbarnraising” all as one word.  However, We are flummoxed and flabbergasted by its feigned ignorance of “asskissing”.)

it's time to nod your head and reach out to shake -- or tenderly grasp -- someone's hand. (As We mentioned earlier, reach out all you want.  Just be sure there’s a hot iron in your hand.)

Be confident. (Isn’t that the slogan for some sort of feminine hygiene product?  (Ain’t I a woman, dammit?))

It's all good.  (Also, it is what it is.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Don't bother packing a thing. (Surely you jest…Sojourner Truth can’t wear just any old shoes.)

When you end up where you're going, you'll feel like a brand-new person (Ain’t I a woman?)

-- which calls for a brand-new wardrobe.   (And probably a hat.  Because We are feeling that Sojourner Truth would wear a hat.  Possibly involving cabbage roses.)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

Cowgrass makes mornings they’ll remember.)