Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for TuesdayWeld’sCornsButWeDon’tCare, January 15,
2013. Happy Birthday to J., whose natal
anniversary We were alerted to by a cryptic postcard in October, which depicted,
amongst other things, famed thespian Eric Von Stroheim. J.’s year of birth, according to said
postcard, is 1985, so One has difficulty in alluding to a Happy 24th,
unless One subscribes, as We do here at Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope!, to The Nude
Math. The Nude Math, for those of
YouPeople who have trouble pixturing things, enables Us to count confidently to
twenty-one, and estimate everything thereafter.
Speaking of math, have you seen this
WorldWideInterWebNetzian meme which depicts how Chinamen learn to multiply, via
a visual system of intersecting lines?
And, even if you haven’t seen it, did you imagine that Chinamen had any
problem multiplying?
Ba-DUMP-bump.
Meanwhile, from The There IS Such A Thing As
A Free Lunch, As Long As It’s Dinner Department, about six months ago, Groupon
for some reason gave Us ten dollars to spend, even though We were already a
somewhat sporadic but satisfied Groupon user.
Being Our cheeseparing Self, We perused Groupon until We found something
that cost exactly ten dollars, that being a $20 Groupon for Slice, a pizzeria
here in Soufffilly. Said Groupon was
about to expire, so We trundled off last night to redeem same.
(Parenthetically (hence the
parentheses), We should point out, for those heterosexual female Gentle Readers
who are keeping score, that last night marked the fifth out of the fourteen
evenings thus far in 2013 that We have spent in the company of An Attractive
Gentleman Caller From The Wrong Team. It
does not totally count, however, as The Gentleman Caller In Question was a
returning contestant on The Team Is Wrong.)
At any rate, We highly
recommend Slice, where they will not only do “half this topping, half that”, as
most pizzerias will, but also “a quarter this, etc.” (No, We didn’t make ‘em do
it; it’s on the menu.) And other than
tipping Our (very attractive, team undetermined) waiter, dinner was 100% free. (The
fact that it was 100% free is also Our clever way of telling you that Slice
does not have a liquor license.)
And, having thusfar
wandered far thus from The Point, it occurs to Us that We were supposed to
review movies today. Of course, We’ve
already mentioned Eric Von Stroheim, so surely that’s enough cinematic excitement
for one day. And, in terms of reviews,
an actor friend of Ours (who is also, it should be noted, An Attractive
Gentleman Caller From The Wrong Team), recently appeared in a play which was
panned by one local critic, who begrudgingly admitted that the cast “coped well
with their futile assignment”. We shall be appropriating that for Our
epitaph…”here lies (and lies, and lies) Starzina Starfish-Browne…she coped well
with her futile assignment.”
And on that macabre note (because We are
fairly certain that there’s a rule somewhere stating that any written work
invoking the name of Eric Von Stroheim must also contain the word “macabre”), please
share Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Capricorn
video with a friend. (Extra credit points if it’s a gay friend.):
(Is it just because We’ve
typed it so many times, or does the name “Eric Von Stroheim” remind anyone else
of “Grandpa Stroehmann”? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
And here are the HorrorScopes:
Wait, wait, wait…it is Charo’s birthday, and no one TOLD
Us? What is the matter with YouPeople?
Things are more than a little unclear right now. (Wait…what do you mean by that?)
(Heh. See what We
did there?)
That does not mean that the situation is hopeless (Well, DUH.
It is Charo’s birthday; how could it possibly be hopeless?)
— far from it (What
is “it”, again? The unclearness… (does
One say “unclearness” or “unclarity”? (Okay, starting over…))
(The Aunt Clara is Uncle Whelming.)
(Esperanto ain’t got nussing on Us.)
— but rather that you need to deal with uncertainty (Are
you sure about that?)
and act on instinct.
(We are going to the dentist later.
If people “acted on instinct” at the dentist’s, dentists would have very
few fingers left.)
One of your favorite people is moving into an exciting new
phase of their life, and their happiness is rubbing off on you! (“Rubbing off”? What’d’We, miss something?)
You couldn’t be more excited (Oh, yes, We could.)
and proud that they are having all their good deeds rewarded.
(Fuck that noise, what about OUR good deeds?
When do THEY get rewarded? Huh?)
Get involved with what they are doing with enthusiasm, and
some of their good karma will also rub off on you! (Again with this “rubbing off”. (Frottage, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…who the hell asked
you?)) This is a dirty, dirty horoscope.)
Not everyone can be this big hearted, (Is that like
big-boned? Is this a fat joke?)
and your stature in their lives (Yep, it’s a fat joke.)
will benefit from your support. (Spanx™.)
This is a growth phase for your relationship. (Okay, it’s no longer a fat joke, it’s a fat
sit-com. Just like Mike and Molly. And equally
unfunny.)
Make your plans early in the day and do what it takes to
stick to them. (The dentist, then We
are celebrating Christmas. And, on a completely
unrelated note, somewhere in there a stop at either Danny’s Adam and Eve or The
Pleasure Chest. (If you are not nakedly
skimming, and can figger out why We’re going there, We may have a surprise for
you.))
And keep them simple (Also, stupid.)
; last-minute change-ups invite difficulties now, (And difficulties NEVER RSVP on time.)
(What?)
while complicated schemes are likely to disappoint. (Also, vice versa. And Virna Lisi. But not Viggo Mortensen.)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
