Spiderman! Spiderman! Does whoever a spider can.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, October 1^th, 2013.  Happy birthday to Ricky, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Giovanni’s Room, which someone needs to purchase for Us immediately, please and thank you.

So the government is closed.  Perhaps you’ve heard.  It is becoming increasingly less clear to Us how this country manages to avoid being taken over by the Chinese.  Or maybe that is what’s about to happen…they’ll reopen the government, and everybody will have been replaced by a Chinaman.  And We’ll all be hungry again half an hour later.

The governmental closure means, amongst other things, that Our Gentle Reader Dena (hi, Dena!) has the day off, and is, no doubt, alphabetizing her spice cupboard.

But, in news of importance (as opposed to news of imPOtence) We are  remounting (ooooohhhh!) Our show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  So get your tickets now, kidz; We’re doing it one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137

In other news, We receive occasional emails from a syndicated computer/technology/InterNetz guru.  Today’s helpful hint arrived with the subject line: “Helpful Tip: Find sex offenders in your neighborhood.”  We’re VERY excited…We’re finally going to have sex!

And here is the HorrorScope:

Dame Julie Andrews was born today, as was Poseidon Adventure star, Stella Stevens.  Also Bonnie Parker, of Bonnie and Clyde fame, who, We just learned, was only twenty-four years old when she died. (This would be the place for a long, drawn-out joke in which We claim that Bonnie Parker was a time-travelling Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! reader, much as Justin Bieber, upon visiting the Anne Frank House, claimed that Anne “She’s In The Attic” Frank would have been a Belieber.  But ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.)

Your sweeter, more romantic side is on display today (Could everyone here kindly step to the rear?)

— so make the most of it and ask someone out on a date!  (Alright, Johnny Depp…you heard the lady.  Dinner and a movie? (No, NOT The Lone Ranger.))

You may find that your energy is perfect for new people, (Or nude people.)

or perhaps just that one special someone.  (Way to narrow it down.  AssHatt.)

Your creativity has a mind of its own today, (Well. Innat creative of it?)

leading you to make different choices than you usually do. (Are you insinuating that We are predictable?  HOW DARE YOU!  WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!)

(Ooops.)

Friends who are expecting (Should sit down and take a load off, before their water breaks on Our sofa.)

you to act one way might have a hard time believing it when you want to act in another way — but they are definitely going to like what they see!  (Wait…are We acting today?  Where’s Our calendar?)

Today should be all about letting the deepest sides of your personality out into the world — let your personality be seen in all its unique and kooky glory. (You left out “mysterious and spooky” and “altogether ooky”.)

 You will be loved, celebrated, and empowered.  (Which beats the shit out of folded, spindled, and mutilated.)

If your profile isn’t getting a terrific response, freshen it up. (Give Us a minute….We’ll put on more eyeliner and pretend to be a Chinaman.)

You’ve got the right kind of creative energy to fill it with hot, sweet details — the kind that can attract hot, sweet people.  (Apparently, people can be both hot AND sweet.  Unlike peppers.  On the other hand, peppers are picked in packs, and don’t mind having their peckers pickled.  Peter Parker was Spiderman.  Andrew Garfield naked.)

(The end.) 

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

On, Wisconsin! On, Wisconsin!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, August 20^rd, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Mark, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Ed, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Bon Voyage to The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh, who is now in the wilds of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, bringing culture to the hinterlands by appearing in an all-white-male adaptation of For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf. Being geographically challenged as We are, We had to Google Mapquest on Wikipedia to figger out where such a place even is.  Turns out, Wisconsin is on Lake Michigan, which is, obviously, one of the many reasons why geography is annoying, and which begs the question, if they can have North and South Dakota, why can’t Michigan be East Michigan and Wisconsin be West Michigan?

Etymology being much more Our forte, We will happily point out to you that “Wisconsin” is an old Arapaho Indian word meaning “there’s an early frost on the fat girl”.  “Milwaukee”, of course, is also an Arapaho word, meaning, “there are cheese curds in your beer”.

You’re welcome.

We are pausing here for a moment to reflect on the loveliness of a gentleman who once PLAYED an Arapaho Indian in a play We directed, and who now also lives somewhere geographically complexicated and named by Indians.  Sigh.

We did not attend M. Doh’s going away party (you did all get that that was “M.” for “Monsieur”, not an abbreviation of “Mike”, right?   If not, go back and read it again.  We’ll wait.), as We determined, quite correctly, that We were Coming Down With Something, and did not feel that said Something was an appropriate going away present.  As We are currently sitting here doing Our very best impression of Act Four of La Boheme: Mimi Dies Of Consumption, We would say We made the right call.  (How Mimi manages to shriek out those appalling soprano high notes while dying of consumption is a subject for another screed.  (On the other hand, since they have already filmed Rent, and since We don’t expect a La Boheme movie any time soon, We shall probably never be subjected to Anne Hathaway’s interpretation of Mimi.))

At any rate, if you are one of Our Wisconsonian readers, look for Mike Doh as The Lady In Chartreuse in For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf, coming soon to a wigwam near you.  And, since you know We can never mention M. Doh (Monsieur, right?) without mentioning Our Own Personal M. Doh fillum, here it is for your viewing pleasure:

In other news of vital importance to the realm, We spent a great deal of Our time last week slaving and toiling over the script for Our Fringe show, which We are supposed to be finishing up here on Our death bed.  (One wonders how One will work in all of that drivel One just spewed forth about Wisconsin and Arapahos.)    We are talking, of course, about  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:   

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb  

Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us up to the 70%- funded mark!

(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded, and We currently seem to be a little stalled.)

Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.

And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Happy Birthday to Domo Arigato Demi Lovato. Also to Andrew Garfield. (“Domo Arigato Demi Lovato” is, of course, and old Arapaho Indian phrase meaning, “I would totally do Andrew Garfield, wouldn’t you?”)

You’re longing for something new (Also, something nude.  Andrew Garfield would be fine, especially since Chord Overstreet isn’t returning Our calls.)

— so make it happen!  (Take your passion!  And make it happen!  (Who the hell let Irene Cara in here?))

You should find that your energy is just right for jumping into new fields and shaking up your coworkers’ old preconceptions.  (Those were both euphemisms, yes?  (We’re not THAT sick.))

Just in the nick of time, (Nick who?)

a friend you haven’t seen in far too long will ride in and rescue you.  (Hmmm…will he show Us his tattoos?)

They might not be royalty, (That’s okay…We’re a big enough queen for both of Us.)

 and their steed may not be a white horse — or even a BMW.  (Okay, “steed”?  What’s THAT Arapaho for?)

But the sentiment will be the same, as will your happy reaction.  (Never mind that…what about a happy ending?)

Oh, and if your social calendar is booked, (Okay, wait…”covered in cobwebs” and “booked” aren’t the same thing, right?)

better clear it right away. (We’ll get right on that.)

After all, how often does a fairy-tale ending even seem possible after the age of ten?  (That’s one of those rhetorical questions, innit?  (“Rhetorical” being, naturally, an Arapaho word meaning “stupid”.)

Someone unexpected plays Cupid for you today.  (We have no idea how YOUR lives work, but if somebody shows up here carrying a bow and arrow and wearing a diaper, We would pretty much have to file that under “unexpected”.)

Before you stammer out a denial and tell them you’re okay with conducting your own love life, remember that love works in some really weird ways. 

(We have absolutely no comeback for that.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.