Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ToothDay, January Twenty-Tooth,
ToothOwsandThirteen. (If you think We’re
carrying this “tooth” motif any farther (further?), you can bite Us.)
(Heh.
SWWDT?)
“The only time
to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.”…Julia
Child
Just thought We’d throw that in there,
apropos of nussing.
Meanwhile, in Our dreams (yes, yes, We know
We’re not supposed to bore you by telling you about them. (Is it more, or less,
boring to tell you about how We’re not telling you about them? Inquiring minds
want to…well, actually, inquiring minds don’t give a shit.)), We have started
editing the scripts. For example, in one
dream last night, We were visiting someone, and We changed his boyfriend into
somebody more attractive to Us, to make the dream more interesting. In a second (more complicated) dream, We
wound up totally changing a major plot point right near the end, because the
whole thing was becoming too bogged down in details. Who do We need to blow to get a job at HBO?
(That last bit was a song lyric, no?)
Okay, We’re done with dreams. And Our waking life is equally boring. Also, Bay-Bee, it’s cold outside. Or at least, so They tell Us. We may find out when We go to the Eye-talian
Market later. (If they would lettuce
purchase an actual Eye-talian, We might not leave OurHouseWhereWeLive till the
Spring thaw.)
Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our
birthday Aquarians:
And here are the HorrorScopes:
The best celebrity birthday We can come up with today is
Piper Laurie. Well, Piper Laurie and Sir
Francis Bacon. If Piper Laurie married
Sir Francis Bacon, she’d be Lady Piper Laurie Bacon. (That’s not a joke, just an observation. (You can tell it’s not a joke, because it’s
not funny. (The jokes are the funny
bits.)))
To make up for the preceding, here is a picture of Kevin
Bacon naked:
(Oh, yeah, right.
Like We were gonna post the shower picture from Wild Things, and get thrown the hell out of Bloggonia.)
You are feeling a strong urge to express yourself in a new
way — so get to it! (Assuming (thereby
making you think of Uma Thurman’s ass (albeit NOT showing you a picture of it))
that We were correct in that yesterday’s fart joke was Our first fart joke of
2013, the preceding sentence would be (you guessed it) Number Two.)
(Heh. We said “Number
Two”.)
You may find that your energy is perfect for something new
and unique, (A nap, for example.)
and there’s no time like the present. (Now, that’s not entirely true. The past used to be quite like the present. The future will, eventually, be much like the
present as well. So, essentially, Kelli,
you are talking out of Uma Thurman’s ass.)
(Have We ever determined a sensible reason why Micro$oft
Weird™ would recognize “Thurman” as a word, but not “Uma”? (It’s quite clear why it recognizes “ass”.))
You might not be in
the midst of a sizzling affair, (Ya think?)
but there is certainly something exciting brewing between
you and another person. (What’d’We, miss something?)
Someone is on exactly the same page with you, (Is it just
Us, or does that sound a little more creepy than she probably intended it?)
either in a professional or social situation, and today
brings you an opportunity to connect with them on a whole new level. (In the
parking garage of Life. (Does anybody have any idea what da fuq Kelli is
talking about?))
It might be up to you to get the conversation going, but
once you do, the other person will drive most of the talking — and you’ll start
to feel like you’ve known them all your life.
(Dr-dr-dr-drive talkin’ (Kiss Us quick, We’re a BeeGee.))
There is immense potential for motion in your love life
right now (Is it possible to even HAVE a
love life without motion? (Our Own
Personal love life needs an enema.))
(Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We replace “enema”
with “enemy”. Micro$oft Weird™ is fucked
up.)
— so how do you want to get moving? (Let’s jus’ mix up some Ex-Lax™ wit’ Our
crack…)
Be active about rearranging events and you might end up
with something really hot now. (Well, if
you rearrange “events”, you get “Steven”.
So who’s Steven, and how hot is he?)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
