I love a piano

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManDickMonday, October 7^st, 2013.  

Happy Birthday to Brainard, who turns twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York, that is.  Like the song:

Start spreading your legs…

You know the one.

Also, Happy Birthday to Kevin, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in the Pennsylvanian hinterlands called “Center Valley”.  Which is, oddly, not at all in the center.

We have seen Kevin naked.  Repeatedly.

We thought it important to put that out there, in keeping with JustAnotherManDickMonday.

In fact, We are picturing Kevin naked right now.

Don’t smirk…now We’re moving on to picturing the rest of Our Gentle Readers whom We’ve seen naked.

*******************************************************

Heh.  We put a row of stars there, just like a Victorian novelist.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Jane Austen’s stepsister, Charlotte Bronte Saurus.

But We’re not done with birthdays yet. (Be afraid, be very afraid.)  Happy Belated Birthday to Bonnie, who turned twenty-four over the weekend, and also to Melissa, who also turned twenty-four over the weekend.  Both of them did that right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, thus sparing you any further geographical witticisms.

None of the aforementioned birthday celebrants have anything to do with  Our upcoming show.  (Although you can never tell at what point during said show We might start picturing Kevin naked.) Have We neglected so far to mention Our show, which We are remounting (ooooohhhh!)? 

 LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, will be performed for one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  Getcher tickets here:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137

In other news, We watched, over the weekend, the Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra, and were very disheartened to realize that no one called Us when a job became available applying fake tanline makeup to Matt Damon’s ass.  Also, We failed to see all this “bravery” they were all so busy congratulating themselves about in the behind-the-scenes.  Yes, when One is acting, One often has to kiss someone One is not in love with, and may not even like, and convince One’s audience that One is in love with that person.  That’s why it’s called “acting”.  Shut up, Michael Douglas.

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, there is apparently a baseball player called EvaN Longoria. How weird izzat?

Apropos of nothing, this:

Your emotional side is causing some friction today, but it’s nothing too dramatic. (And just why not, We’d like to know?)

 You may just have to cope with some stray baggage that you thought you had checked long ago.  (That’s one o’ them metaphor thingies, innit?  A really boring one, We might add.)

(We’re just gonna sit here and picture Kevin naked until she changes the subject.)

There are going to be a lot of different emotions swarming around inside of your heart today, (EEeeeeuuuuwwww!!!!)

 which could cause you so much confusion that you might get frustrated.  (Gee, ya think?)

But the problem isn’t your feelings, it’s your attitude.  (Also, it’s not so much the heat, as it is the stupidity.)

Instead of feeling so many feelings, move them up to your brain — and start thinking them through. Take each emotion one at a time, and just try to identify what you are feeling. Once you do, you will be able to find the cause — and then eventually find the cure.  (See, now, (A.) that sounds an awful lot like work and (2.) that’s gonna take up a lot of “picturing Kevin naked” time.)

You can tell that your love life isn’t working out at the moment, but you’re not quite sure how to change.  (Um, We’re thinking “get a love life” might be a start?)

Contrast the payoffs you get from your current situation with the benefits you’d get from your ideal match. (Again, too much like work.)

(Kevin naked.  THERE ya go.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, September 24^st, 2013.

We just found out that it has been National Chicken Month all month, and none of YouPeople bothered to tell Us.

Meanwhile Happy Birthday to Mike, who turns twenty-four today, somewhere in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, or its environs.  Happy Birthday also to Lurie, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in Greater Bostonia. Also too also, Happy Birthday to M Uppet, who also too also turns twenty-four today, here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  He is made of felt and enjoys fisting, but We’re open-minded and non-discriminatory like that.

Micro$oft Weird™, in its infinite wisdom, put a blue squiggly line under “fisting” in the preceding, meaning that it imagines We have made an incorrect word choice, and that it would like to suggest a more appropriate word.  Before We looked at its suggestion, the only other word We could think of was “fasting”; as it turns out, Micro$oft Weird™’s suggestion was “fishing”.   Which makes a lot more sense, as many people do enjoy fishing, but who in the hell enjoys fasting?  (Look at your bracelet, Anna!)

We, however, stand by Our original “fisting”, as We are well-versed in Kermit and Miss Piggy and all that lot, and their peculiar proclivities.

That was a whole lotta crap about puppet sex.  Don’t get Us started on Shari Lewis and Wayland Flowers.

Speaking of things nobody told Us, We just found out that one day last week was National Talk Like A Pilates Instructor Day, and none of YouPeople told Us that, neither.

In other news, The Red-Headed Step-Child of the Philadelphia Theatrical Community has concluded the run of her show, so you will be spared entreaties to purchase tickets.  Also, despite efforts on the part of many to make her feel Less Equal Than Everybody Else, the bitch made her bank, so said show will be back to annoy you all shortly.

Thank you, meanwhile to all of those who came out and/ or supported Us.  We are already hard at work on the Kickstarter rewards.

Apropos of muffins, We have a pimple in the crook of Our elbow that makes it appear as if We have been shooting up heroin with a dirty needle.

And here is the HorrorScope:

Holy fucking crap!  All that Muppet shade We threw earlier, and it turns out to be Jim Henson’s birthday!  We had no idea!  Mayhaps We actually ARE psychic!

An email brings some strange — but welcome — news today, possibly tonight. (Seriously?   Does anybody ever get personal emails anymore?)

You may find that you need to stick with electronic communication today if you want to get anything done.  (Mmm-hmm.  Because the WorldWideInterWebNetz don’t waste Our time at all.)

You’re no angel  (Hell no…We is da Debbil.)

(Where’d THAT come from?)

(Your mother sews socks in hell.)

— especially when your fabulously mischievous side comes out to play.  (Okay, on a scale of One to Gay, how Gay is “fabulously mischievous”?  We’re thinking pretty much Paul Lynde painting watercolors of Charles Nelson Reilly fucking Liberace in a feather boa while lying in a field of pansies listening to Judy Garland singing opera.)

Naughtiness is the name of the game, (Well, so much for that Parcheesi plan.)

and you’re the grand master when it comes to making up the rules — and breaking them later on.  (Well, you know what they say:  Mercedes Ruehl was a maid in Hoboken.)

That’s the whole point of being contrary, right?  (We are not merely contrary.  We are Mary Mary QUITE contrary.)

(Heh. “Mercedes Ruehl was a maid in Hoboken.”  We kill Us.)

Fortunately, you know exactly how to turn your naughtiness from a vice into nice, especially when it comes to romance.  (We can also, for future reference, turn mice into lice, dice into rice, and the Spice Girls into Diet Slice™.)

(Okay, how many of you old farts remember Slice™?  (Specifically, Diet Apple Slice™ and rum…mmmmmm…..))

For once, you’re not tongue-tied. (But are We fist-fucked?)

Let your talent for communication do all the work. (Are. We. Fist-fucked?)

Open, easy communication is sure to clear up any misunderstandings that could get in the way of a true connection. (You mean a RAINBOW connection, riiiiight?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Never mind the bollocks

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, July Tenf, Twenny Tirteen. Happy Birthday to Lizzy, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Vicki, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit in MaryLand, which We’ve discussed before.  (That is, We’ve discussed Maryland before, not Vicki’s twenty-fourth birthday.  Try to keep up.

(Herewith, for the benefit of any newbies in da house, is Our previous MaryLand discussion:

{Insert WayBack Machine sound effects here.}

Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.

(Mary had a little land, whose feet were shy a toe, and every day, for merriment, she slept with Jacques Cousteau.  (We have no idea where that came from.  Nursery rhymes are peculiar, no?))

{Insert reverse WayBack Machine sound effects here.}

))

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, après les digression, Happy Birthday to Loretta, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

(It should be pointed out, for clarity and editorial accuracy’s sake, that Loretta is not the same person as LOretta, who has been mentioned in these e-pisstles before.  Even though they have now both turned twenty four at least once.  It strikes Us as slightly peculiar that We know two people named Loretta (well, technically, one person named Loretta, and one person named LOretta), and that they are both women, which adds to the confusion.  Of course, if We were (subjunctively) to travel in loftier show business circles, We might be acquainted with both Loretta Lynn and Loretta Swit, who have both now turned a hundred and seventeen at least once.  So there’s that.)

We also seem to recall having mentioned recently that, if We live to be twenty-four, We will never understand people.  Said lack of understanding continues apace.

You will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show.  Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone?  You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.

In other other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

As We went to Our celebrity birthday source this morning, it occurred to Us that it would be very bizarre if today turned out to be Loretta Lynn or Loretta Swit’s birthday.  Or, even bizarrer, if it turned out to be Loretta Lynn AND Loretta Swit’s birthday.

It didn’t.

So Happy Birthday, Sofia Vergara.

You’re feeling even more impulsive than usual today,

(This would seem to be an excellent place for a random Sid Vicious music video:

(Whaddaya mean, “impulsive”?))

so expect some wild times as you frolic and jump from fun and games to serious silliness.  (If that sentence were (subjunctively) any gayer, it would be Charles Nelson Reilly dressed up as Liberace fistfucking Paul Lynde in a pansy patch while Judy Garland sang opera.)

Your people may not be able to keep up with you!   (Again with this delusion that We have people.)

A former romantic partner might be reappearing on the scene soon, (So, wait…people can come back from the dead?!?)

 and the feelings they stir up won’t be the ones you were expecting to feel. (Zombies have that effect on Us.  Go figger.)

They’ve taken the initiative to get back into your life, and there could be a very significant reason for it. (BRAAAAAAIIINNNSSSS!!!!)

Aren’t you curious to know what that is? (No.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

Give them some of your time, but not all of your time. (At least she didn’t say, “Give them a piece of your mind”.  ‘Cause We have so few pieces left.)

Make it clear that you have boundaries that you have no intention of changing for them — at least not yet.  (Also, We’ve been wearing Our Tuesday panties since AT LEAST last Tuesday.)

You need to direct your efforts toward your work or home life today. (Well, THAT narrows it down.)

You can get plenty done, and focusing hard should feel good (That’s what she said.)

— but tonight, and over the next few days, your energy favors romance.  (Oh, great.  Once We expend all that energy blowing up the doll, We’re gonna be EXHAUSTED.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.