Some people call me Maurice

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, April 1^th, 2014.

This is the point in the proceedings where We would generally wish a Happy Birthday to several SitOnMyFaceBook “friends” (whom We most likely have never met) who are having birthdays today, following which We would alert them to their mention herein with a SitOnMyFaceBook message which they would resoundingly ignore.

However, as They say, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  (They say so many things.  Presumably because people keep listening.)

So instead, We are today going to wish a Happy Birthday to some people who might actually be paying attention.  (Bonus points to anyone who just said, “Sorry…did you say something?” (Boner points to anyone who was naked when they said it.))

First and Formosa, Happy Birthday to Allen, all the way out in Madagascar, or Mesopotamia, or some such, who turns twenty-four today.  Allen very kindly reminds Us that, no matter what he is wearing, his birthday suit is only one outfit away. Plus, if it is his birthday, not only can We picture him naked, We can picture him naked and covered in birthday cake frosting.  WINNING!

(In the interests of full disclosure, We should point out that We have actually seen Allen naked.  (We have also seen him in a Speedo™ with a statue of the Virgin Mary stuck in the crotch.  (If you think that is an April Fool’s joke, you’ve got another kink thumbing.)))

Seconal™, Happy Birthday to everyone We know named “Kevin”, all of whom turn twenty-four today.  It occurred to Us as We were mentally composing today’s e-pisstle that, in all of Our twenty-four years, We are fairly certain that We have never met a Kevin whom We didn’t like. Certainly not amongst Our current crop, to whose birthday suits We are mentally applying strategically-placed frosting rosebuds as We speak.

(Again, in the interests of full disclosure, We must point out that We have seen one of Our current crop of Three Wise Kevins naked.  (We have seen another one covered in smashed tomato. (Top THAT, Kevin Number Three.)))

(We were originally going to do the preceding with “Josh”s, until We realized the thing about “never meeting a Kevin We didn’t like”.  We’ve known a lot more Joshs than Kevins over the years, and We’re fairly certain We didn’t much care for at least one or two of them.  None, fortunately, amongst Our current crop of Joshs, so Happy Birthday to all y’all.  (And Happy Birthday Suits. (How’s THAT for “shameless clickwhoredom”, Josh K?)))

(We couldn’t possibly do it with Michaels, because every second guy We know seems to be called Michael.)

That said…

Thirsty, Happy Birthday to Mike, and Doh, and Joe, and LexInChina, each of whom turns twenty-four today.  This is a Sesame Street “One-Of-These-Things-Is-Not-Like-The-Others” game just waiting to happen…and We are Big Bird. (Did that sound vaguely dirty to you in some way?  Because it sounded vaguely dirty to Us, and We even had some idea what We were talking about.  (For a change.))

Here is the obligatory Nixon in China reference.

We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity.  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.

And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:

Absolutely no celebrities were born today.

And here, for a change of pace, your horoscopes courtesy of theonion.com:

Aries

Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages in bed.

Taurus

This is a good time to make aggressive moves at work, as when the global economy crashes back to the Stone Age on Tuesday no one will miss a few penises in bed.

Gemini

Since it hates its job barfing out your future, Gemini is just going to call it a day and go down to the bar and get drunk with the other disgruntled constellations in bed.

Cancer

Yes, please, by all means, make some sort of joke about cancer being a disease. Never heard that one before. In any case, you're not winning the lottery this week in bed.

Leo

You'll slowly become the person you hate—the person who is so afraid of dirty toilet seats that she squats in terror above them to pee, creating the very situation she is trying to avoid in bed.

Virgo     

You will be jolted as if hit by a brick when receiving bad news next week, but only partially because it arrives wrapped around a thrown brick in bed.

Libra

You will soon open your Twelfth House of Secrets to your coworkers, which unfortunately means you will need to seek a Second House of Employment in bed.

Scorpio

If you hope for a baby, Jupiter rising in your sign may help, but be aware that he isn't the magazine-and-turkey-baster kind of guy in bed.

Sagittarius

Romance will finally come to you, get annoyed when you won't shut up about yourself, and be completely turned off when you ask, "Where's the party at?" in bed.

Capricorn

The men in lab coats will make another silent midnight appearance in your bedroom, but don't worry—they won't bring in bedbugs in bed.

Aquarius

Doors will swing open for you in a way they haven't in years, rekindling that creepy door fetish you had in college in bed.

Pisces

Oh, man, next week is going to be really something for you. No kidding. Seriously, it's a shame you have no way of knowing what's about to happen in bed.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

And at any given moment, the ashtrays are clean

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMantisPrayingForDeathMonday, March 24^rd, 2014.

Our next-door-neighbor to OurHouseWhereWeLive is currently remodeling his kitchen.  He is in the “ripping out the old” stage.  Which is making Us pray for death.  (Thematic, no? (Or should We say “theMantic”.  (Heh…see what We did there?  (Dear lord Jeebus, he’s got a DRILL.))))

(How many of YouPeople are now pixturing a horror fillum in which he rips his way through HIS kitchen wall into OUR kitchen, and starts “ripping out the old” over here?)

(Y’all are a bunch of iggernant bitches.)

On a positive note (and We are struggling oh-so-valiantly to be positive, in a world gone mad (you DID hear that last bit in Movie Announcer Voice, didn’t you?  (Try to keep up)), The LovelyAndTalented local actor Justin (whom We know through TCBITWWW*, not, naturally, through any mutual strutting-and-fretting (Is it just Us, or when We hyphenate “strutting-and-fretting” that way, does it make you think of mummers instead of The Scottish Play?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then)) has been taking pixtures of himself in various poses in homage to other people’s SitOnMyFaceBook prfile pixtures, and this morning, We woke up to Our evry Own homage, which see above as today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Inky Dinky Dinky Dinky Parlez Vous.

We will take Our positive notes where We can find them, ThankYouVeryMuch.

But back to the hatter at mad…er, matter at hand:  Happy Birthday to Ethan, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  Happy Birthday also to Miriam, who also turns twenty-four today, all the way across the pond in the UK.

(The UK is suddenly giving Us pause…We know We have Gentle Readers in the UK, and Canada, and Australia, and We know We have English-speaking Gentle Readers in non-English-speaking countries, (such  as Lex in China (hi, Lex in China (saying “Lex in China” always makes Us think of the opera, Nixon in China. Because We’re cultured like that.  Like a pearl))), but We wonder if We have any NON-English-speaking Gentle Readers who are forced to filter these e-pisstles through Google’s translator, and how that works out for them.)

Moving on, Happy Birthday also too to Rosemary, who also too turns twenty-four today, right here in the vicinity of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  And Happy Birthday also too too to Thomas, who also too too does the same, presumably not in a tutu.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Andrew, and Dave, and Kathleen, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to The LovelyAndTalented Stephen, who also turned twenty-four this weekend. (Not to name-drop (she said, promptly name-dropping), but that’s Stephen SONDHIEM, ladies and genitals, who is Our SitOnMyFaceBook friend.  Which gives One to wonder, what happens if Stephen Sondheim takes SitOnMyFaceBook’s “Which Stephen Sondheim Musical Are You?” quiz…)

Happy Equity Day Off to Our friends who are enjoying Equity Day Off…

We have moved into the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring (never mind that they’re telling Us it will snow next week).  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.

We were going to tell you all about the dream We had, where We went to Gay Pride and Our date never showed up, and Our other dream We had, where We were a dog (literally, not figuratively) with an abusive owner, but We would like to post this e-pissode sometime before NEXT Monday, so moving on…

And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:

It is Harry Houdini’s birthday.  He would be a hundred and forty years old today if he hadn’t, ya know, disappeared.  (Heh…see what We di…Oh, shut up.)

You need to slow down a bit and try to just relax — you’re heading for a breakdown otherwise!  (Oh, please…We passed “Breakdown” three exits ago.)

Even the highest-functioning folks like you need some down time every now and then.  (Isn’t “high(er/est) functioning” a designation They use for the mentally-impaired, so said mentally-impaired don’t catch on that what They’re saying is, “not quite a mentally-impaired as this mentally-impaired person, but muchmore mentally impaired than that one”?)

(Also, please join Us in congratulating Ourself for not using the word ‘tard once in that sentence.  (Oooops.))

Strange but interesting ideas will be bursting from your brain early today, (Ouch!)

but good luck getting any of them to become reality now. (Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.)

You are likely to deal with some unexpected eruptions from other people, (We should be so lucky.)

which will definitely distract you. (Sorry…did you say something?)

So don’t have expectations that are too high, today. (Expect nothing, and you will never be disappointed.)

(Expectorate nothing, and you will never be dehydrated.)

(Sorry.)

You need to slow down anyway — you’ve been going too fast for too long and it’s time to let other people take the lead. (Oh, great…now We’re doing a cameo appearance in Our very Own life.)

Trying too hard gets you nowhere when it comes to love, especially today.  (Trying too soft, on the other hand, doesn’t work out so well neither.)

Meet everyone with an open heart and high spirits, (So you’re saying have a martini and hit ‘em in the thorax with a chainsaw?)

and experience them as they are, not as what you want from them. (Where’s the fun in THAT?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

(*TCBITWWW = The Cutest Boy In The Whole Wide World)

                                                                                                                                     

And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, January Turd, Twenny-Four-Teen, WhoreTeen Hears A Who. Holidailies having ended, We were planning to dial back on the frequency of these e-pisstles, with an eye toward accomplishing a myriad of other pressing projects.  This morning, however, We are procrastinating putting on Our mink-lined Tuesday panties to go out and wield a snow shovel.  Just one of the many drawbacks of being Between Husbands.

(We are turning over so many new leaves this New Year, it’s like Helen Keller fell down in a  forest.  For example, “Between Husbands” is Our new upbeat, glass-half-full way of saying that We have been single since God created Adam and Steve, and that We haven’t been laid since Our boys were in Vietnam and Dick was in Pat Nixon.  Catchy, no?)

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Robbie, who turned twenty-four yesterday , also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. 

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Joe, who also turned twenty-four yesterday, also right here.  Joe is, of course, The Man Behind The Camera (as opposed to The Idiot In Front Of It) of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope videos, and how fitting that this month’s video should feature the cameraman character.  (We should disclaim at this juncture that Joe has, to the best of Our knowledge, never butt-chugged a rum ball, and has certainly never expelled one in Our general direction from any orifice whatsoever).

That video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:  http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM.

On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:

…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:

Having thus shamelessly plugged Ourself (because if We don’t plug Ourself, clearly no one else is going to), We shall move on.

For those of you who enjoy a glimpse into The Way (What Passes For) Our Mind (Allegedly) Functions, We were reading, recently, this story on the WorldWideInterWebNetz about how teenaged dolphins with too much time on their hands eat pufferfish, which contain some sort of naturally occurring hallucinogen, to get high.  This, naturally, made Us think (and why it didn’t seem to make anyone else think, We haven’t got any idea) of the song “Puff the Magic Dragon”, which is, of course, about getting high in the absence of pufferfish.  Which made Us go on to think (because once We start, We just can’t stop…it’s like a Lays™ potato chip corollary), what if, instead of being about smoking marijuana, “Puff the Magic Dragon” were (subjunctively) about smoking crack?

It would be called “Puff the Manic Dragon”.

You’re welcome.

(Micro$oft Weird™ has put a little blue squiggle under “Manic”, because it wants Us to change it back to “Magic” so bad it can taste it.  Suck it, Micro$oft Weird™.)

In other other news, We have been seriously remiss in reporting on the activities Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) friend, colleague, and fantasy three-legged race partner, AstroGeek. (External factors such as his move to a new blogging platform and the demise of Google Reader have certainly contributed to this remissness, but still…)  Here is his latest e-pisstle, which is all the evidence you need to begin clamoring for him to replace Kelli The AssHatt.  GO! http://sett.com/astrogeek895/new-moon-on-new-years-in-cap-oh-yeah-we-bad-aka-fuck-you-2013

In other news, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival!

Tickets are now available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/

Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

And now, the HorrorScope…

In hindsight (and hindsight is always 20-20 (which is what year it will soon be if they keep zipping along at their current rate (OMG, are We the first one to come up with this joke?  You heard it here first, kidz…come 2020, every yahoo and their fairy godmother will be calling it “January 1^st, Hindsight”))), this is a complete waste of a snow day.  Everybody would have had the day off anyway, because it is Zasu Pitts’s birthday.

And now, as We really must go cope with the snow, a reading from Madame Olivia.  (About whom We are a little concerned…she may have been dipping into the pufferfish.  After all, when you start calling your own ideas “adorable…)

Greetings Eric ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

Making conversation with new people can be a huge challenge. The usual advice is to ask people about themselves. The problem is that some people feel self-conscious talking about themselves. So you might think of subjects outside both of you: movies, books, food, new technologies, etc, to take the focus off both of you. Before a gathering, Madame Olivia finds herself rehearsing a short list of these things to talk about, which has often come in handy. She has another adorable idea: write the list on the palm of your hand and use that as a conversation starter! This could also be the first scene in that rom-com you're writing.

And now, dear Aries, Madame Olivia would like to look at your much-vaunted desire to prevail in the world. You have very sensibly deferred to some forces in the world that have required compromise. Now, though, things are changing, and it is time for you to move forward. Uranus, the planet of liberation, has moved into Aries, so it is behind you on this 100%! To say nothing of within you. No need to rush in, though; start with small unscary changes. These can lead to bigger movement!

Circles and round things will be of import in the near future

Good-bye for now. Warmest wishes from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.