Twice on the crackpipe if the answer is “No”

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  October TwennyEightst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Deb, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Left Coast.  In El Lay.  Which We always imagine to mean WeHo.  (West Hollywood, for those who are geographically uninclined. (Like the not-so-famous Uninclined Plane.  (Which is not so not-so-famous as The Non-Leaning Tower of Pisa.))

Happy Birthday also to Soi, who also turns twenty-four today. Also in Hollywood.  Albeit Hollywood, Florida.  Which We’re just gonna go right ahead and call “East Hollywood”.  “EaHo”, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…what makes you imagine that it’s all about YOU?)  Because We’ve never heard anyone from El Lay talk about an EaHo out there, so We hereby declare that there isn’t one.

(Hey, We obviously have that power…just one paragraph ago, We invented The Non-Leaning Tower of Pisa, and YouPeople all bought it.)

Speaking of power, We would like you all to know that We fixed a very pesky computer problem this morning, before We even had any coffee!  We are Woman, hear Us roar, like a drunk Zsa Zsa Gabor….

But, before We stray completely from the subject, Happy Belated Birthday to Blaine, and Celeste, and TJ, and Cheez-Its™ Box, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere over the past two days.

In case you were wondering where We were yesterday (yeah, right), We spent the morning responding to a guest complaint from the Murder Mystery Factory, and the early afternoon making the November schedule for same.  Neither of these activities earned Us so much as one nickel to rub against another one, assuming We had the first nickel to begin with. 

Clearly, We need to re-evaluate Our position and draw some serious boundaries.  On the plus side, in the middle of it all, We booked a focus group for the following week, so that’s a good thing.

Oddly enough, We have precious little else to report.  We did watch (and thoroughly enjoy) The Grand Budapest Hotel on Sunday.  And We have plenty of things We could complain about, but why bother? We’re still waiting around for results from last week’s “Show Us The Penis” Week.

(This seems like it would be a good place for a Leaning Tower of Penis joke.  If only We knew one…)

(For the naked skimmers and newbies in da house, here is a link to the aforementioned inaugural “Show Us The Penis” e-pissode: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/because-im-tacky.html )

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: 

http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

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And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Telma Hopkins of Tony Orlando and Dawn fame was born today, and if you know of a better reason to celebrate, We’d like to hear it. (For some reason, We were just persuing Our Google-O-Meter™ and had an acid flashback to Francisco Lachowski’s birthday.  Which seems as good a reason as any to put a picture of him above.)

It’s a really good time for you to make new connections and try to get others to share their perspectives. (Paging MC Escher…MC Escher to the white courtesy phone…)

Your great energy is sure to make life more interesting for at least one person from far away. (And how exactly does that help Us?)

 The stars are set and ready to turn you into a veritable machine when it comes to getting the job done, and getting it done well. (Could We get it done medium rare?)

This diligent influence will be just what the doctor ordered — if you want to keep your job, that is. (We’re evaluating that…We may, in fact, have too much job for the money.)

All this hard work could get you a promotion!  (Fuck that noise…how ‘bout a raise?)

Something new breathes fresh life into your romantic business.  (Yeah it does…two weeks from now.)

It could be as small as a new lip gloss or sunglasses, or maybe somewhat grander, but it gives you a new lease on love. (Wait…We’re RENTING?  The hell?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

And you’re still standing stuck in the stuff on the steps

                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedEgg, July 8, 2011.  Happy belated birthdays to Tracie and Shaun Jacob JingleHeimer Schmidt, both of whom turned twenty-four yesterday.  Not to mention Chrome BruLay.  (No, really…don’t mention her.  She hates that.)   We apologize for being in absentia yesterday, but We were off with Himself touring the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3, which will be the site of Himself’s next public atrocity.  Many of you probably missed Our late-in-the-day edit of Wenchday’s HorrorScope, in which We noted that said upcoming public atrocity was the subject of the Philly Fringe’s Blog Du Jour, which We ass-ume (thereby vacuuming Uma Thurman’s ass) that you can still ReadAllAbout here:   http://www.livearts-fringe.org/blog/index.cfm/2011/7/6/Philly-Fringe-Vital-Stats-Iris-Holcombe-Wedding-Consultant

And while you’re busy ReadingAllAbout things, pay a visit to Us in video land…maybe even click Our “Like” button (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.  And We haven’t had Our “Like” button clicked in YEARS.) Or even share Us with a friend.  Even if they AREN’T having a birthday. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Keanu Reeves’ anal warts.  (Hey, into every life a little rain must fall.  Also, it’s always darkest before Tony Orlando and Dawn, and it’s all fun and games till somebody comes in your eye.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Sure, you’ve got needs — we all do — but for now you need to let them rest while you help someone else who’s in trouble. (Here’s a coat hanger.  Next!)

It may be a family member or a coworker, but your selfless energy is much appreciated.  (On the other hand, she wore a glove.  Also, Our seamless apathy is much more fun.  And girls?  Just wanna have fun.)

Today you will be feeding off the energy of the people around you and getting all the attention you’ve been craving. (Lovely.  Peel Us a grape.)

 You are going to be in the thick of things, (Was that a fat joke?)

right in the middle of all the action. (That would be, naturally, the Uma Thurman ass-vacuuming action.  (Is she still married to Ethan Hawke?  (Was she EVER married to Ethan Hawke?  Or did We just make that up out of whole cloth? (And what the hell does “whole cloth” mean, anyhow?))))

(And right away We give you the answer: http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-who1.htm  )

(Like sandpaper on your anal warts, these are the Days of Our Lives.)

Other, less connected people might be envious of your position, (Flat on Our back with Our legs in the air?)

so try not to rub their faces in it (Heh.)

— be sensitive to the outsiders who don’t really know what’s going on. (Fuck ‘em. They sandpapered Our anal warts.)

You might be called upon to act as a translator, (Voulez vous couches avec moi, Ethan Hawke?)

notifying people what they need to know when they need to know it.  (But only on a need-to-know basis.)

Someone is likely asking you to defend yourself in some way. (Good thing We took that Jew Shiatsu course. (Jew Shiatsu is, of course, like jiu jitsu, only less time consuming to learn.  Plus, there are excellent bagels.))

Though conflict is never your idea of a good time, (Have you met Us?)

don’t let this get you off  (We never do.)

course. (Or that.)

Calmly explain without getting too emotional. (WHADDAYA MEAN, TOO EMOTIONAL?!?)

(Heh. SWWDT?)

The problem is minor, and blows over quickly. (Is it just Us, or did that sound like a euphemism for “has a small dick, and is plagued with premature ejaculation?  Just Us? Alrighty, then.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

But I'm only a cockeyed optimist and I can't get it into my head.

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, March 18, 2011.  Happy birthday to Scott, who, by Our calculations, is having a Very Special Twenty-Fourth Birthday today.  And who was an Erix Daily Horoscope Gentle Reader waaaaay back in the day when it was recorded on eight-track tapes and delivered by the Pony Express.  We suspect he has long since given up reading these epistles, which he would occasionally take to task for their less-than-cockeyed optimism. (Which is, naturally, completely misguided criticism; We are never so optimistic as when there is a cock in Our eye.  Hell, if We are THAT close to a cock, We count it as having already scored.)  He may or may not linger about as a naked skimmer, and, if so, he is one of Our naked skimmers whom We have seen naked.  Which was a very happy birthday indeed.  (Oh, relax; it was in a show.  And We are here to tell you, We did NOT need to use Our lorgnette.)

(We’ll pause here, while We wait for all you perverts to scurry back from Googling “lorgnette” on Wikipedia.)

At any rate, perhaps We can induce Scott to return to The New Improved Erix Daily Horoscope now that it’s written by Yours Truly, Starzina Starfish-Browne.  We shall have the Erix Daily Horoscope bartender whip up a lovely Absolut™ and Geritol™ in anticipation of his arrival.

Also, happy belated birthday to Brian, who turned twenty-four on The Eyes Of Laura Mars.  And happy belated Saint Patrick’s Day to everyone as well.  May the roast ride up to Machu Picchu, and may you get to Hell an hour before the Devil makes your bed.

Irish proverbs are even weirder than you Yanks’ American sayings.

Kiss me, I’m Irate.

So, yesterday (She said, changing the subject so quickly as to induce whiplash, while coyly referring to Herself in the third person (while mentally imagining coyly referring to Herself in the koi pond, just to confuse people)), We were interviewed for a college term paper on the subject of Our Writing Process.  Lord only knows what incoherent drivel We spewed forth, but the end result has been to render Us completely self-conscious as We sit here this morning, pounding on the keyboard with Our arthritic talons.  Sigh.  Yet another of The Burdens Of Fame.

In other news, it’s been a while since We mentioned Himself’s Jesus video, so here it is:

Meanwhile, We are well aware that you are clamoring for news as to how Himself and his little friends’ debut at the Helium Comedy Club went.  And to both of you clamorers, and to Werner Klemperer, We say, if you wanted to know so bad, why the fu(k didn’t you show up?  (Actually, if you HAD (subjunctively) shown up, there might not have been anyplace to put your showed-up ass, because the WaitStaff are total fu(king rockstars.  In other news, watch this space Monday for news of the WaitStaff’s April Fool’s Day gig.)

The most peculiar thing about the preceding paragraph is that Micro$oft Weird™ seems to think that “clamorers” is a word, while “rockstars” is not.  The second most peculiar thing is that this is not the first appearance of Werner Klemperer in an Erix Daily Horoscope.  To wit: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/01/im-feeling-transcendentalam-i-here.html

In other news, here, for all Our cunning linguist friends, is this: http://matadornetwork.com/abroad/20-awesomely-untranslatable-words-from-around-the-world/  

The URL is self-explanatory, and thus explains itself.

And now, as they say in FrawnchLand, Apres Mwah, Lay Splooge.  (For you homolingual Yanks, here’s the damn horoscope.  (Does “homolingual” sound dirty to you?  Because it sounds dirty to Us.)):

Who needs your help the most? (If We just assume that the answer is Johnny Depp, do you suppose there’s any chance he’ll show up?)

(The correct answer to the preceding (seemingly rhetorical) question, for any newbies in da house, is “Here’s cock in your eye.”)

That may be your most important question today, and once you’ve figured out the answer, your assistance should be a powerful force in their life — and your own.  (“Powerful force” is, of course, a euphemism.  We’ve been doing Our Kegel exercises…it’s like a Waring™ blender down there.  Jump on, Johnny Depp, and hit the button that says “frappe”.)

(“The button that says ‘frappe’” is, of course, ALSO a euphemism.  (What, We hear you wondering, is a euphemism for euphemism?   To which We respond, “Shut up, asshat; WE tell the jokes around here.”))

 Turn your energies on completing the project rather than expanding it. (That depends on the project.  Some projects, We’re thinking We might do better to turn Our enemas on.  (Because with frenulums like that, who needs anemones?))

(What?)

That means if you have been renovating your kitchen (Euphemism.)

, go ahead and lay the contact paper (Euphemism.)

on the new shelves you installed last week, make sure you’ve got the right knobs (Euphemism!)

for the cabinets, and then go ahead and put those on too. (Lordy…it’s like a pornographic version of This Old House.)

Don’t decide that you should throw out the new cabinets, tear down the connecting wall and make the whole apartment one big open room. (Because, for one thing, if you live in an apartment, that’s gonna really piss off your landlord.)

It’s not the best use of your time, after all.  (Not if Johnny Depp’s here, euphemisming Our euphemisms with his cock in Our euphemism.)

No one says you have to wait three days before calling, (Tony Orlando did, however, say to knock three times on the ceiling if you want him.)

but there is a strong possibility that you’re not in too big a hurry when it comes to love right now. (And when’s the last time you thought of Tony Orlando?  To say nothing of Dawn.  You’re welcome.)

Think over what you want to say and take your own sweet time. (Oh, please.  If We ever THOUGHT about any of this, We’d never hit “send”.)

(Oooops…gotta go; Werner Klemperer’s at the door.)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.