Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, February 28, 2011. In honor of last night’s Gay Super Bowl, today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Lana Turner Tina Turner Pancake Turner Nat Turner’s Come And Gone is the most glamorous pixture We could find (because everyone else is already using the pixture of James Franco in the dress). While it might appear to some untrained eyes to be a pixture of Yours Truly Starzina Her Own Self, it is actually a pixture of Our sister, Tipsy. Bask in her glamour, if you dare.
We, of course, missed a large portion of the Gay Super Bowl, as We were in attendance at Himself’s show. Not that any of YouPeople would KNOW that We were in attendance at Himself’s show, but that is where We were. (Himself, We might add, is, you might say, not pleased. (You might also say “royally pissed”. Which you might follow up with a “queen” joke, inciting Himself to punch you in your face. Your call.))
We joined the Gay Super Bowl “already in progress”, as they say, around about when some animatronic version of Billy Crystal was chatting with Bob Hope. Then Celine Dion sang about dead people, they gave a bunch of awards to The King’s Speech, and a bunch of retarded kids sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Some of the retards were dressed in green, and the rest were dressed in blue. We don’t know about you, but where We come from, two colors do not a rainbow make. Leave it to Hollyweird to dredge up the only costume designer who’s also a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Or perhaps the retards’ costumes were designed by the same idiot who did their “choreography”, which appeared to consist of depriving them all of their antiepilepsy medication for two weeks prior to the performance. Gah!
Despite Our Brittanian roots, We Our Own Self Personally were rooting, not for The King’s Speech, but for The Social Network. Which makes a lovely segue (what’s a segue? About a pound and a half.), as the next few things We intend to complain about involve SitOnMyFaceBook. First offal, (heh. See what We did there?) We have said it before and We will say it again: if you are so upset that you are changing your SitOnMyFaceBook status hourly to tell Us all how upset you are, then you are just not upset enough. However, if you are FatAss McBitchyStein, who spent the brief period during which We were in each other’s orbit attempting to thwart Us at every turn and make Our life miserable, and you are changing your SitOnMyFaceBook status hourly to tell Us all in great detail about the trials and tribulations of what you pitifully refer to as your life, you will simply have to forgive Us if Our response is to laugh and laugh and laugh. Stupid cow.
Micro$oft Weird™ keeps changing “Us” to ”US”. We are a queen, not a country, Micro$oft Weird™; try to keep up.
In other SitOnMyFaceBookian news, didja know that, if One refuses to engage with TheCrazy, TheCrazy is subsequently entitled to interpret One’s non-behavior as though any number of non-existent conversations and incidents have taken place? Yeah, neither did We. Until recently. Seriously, boyz and gurllzz, We were mastering social media while you were still fashioning your first homemade crackpipe out an old TV dinner tray; leave Us out of your trauma-drama. KThxBye.
In still other news, people lie. But then, you probably knew that.
Meanwhile, it is so dark outside that it appears the world may end at any moment. So We shall hasten to publish this epistle, so that the world may end, not with a Ubangi, but with a wimple.
Try not to let any opportunities slip through your fingers today. (Indeed not. We shall be slogging out in the monsoon later to go to the CVS, where they have several items they will be paying Us to remove from their store. Beyond that, We shall be speaking with a potential tutee (a tutee being, for those not in the know, one who is tutored (as opposed, of course, to one who is tooted, which We mention only to allow YouPeople the opportunity to make some crass skin-flute joke. You’re welcome))) and thanking Our lucky Chicken With Stars that this evening’s rehearsal was cancelled.)
That means you need to pay close attention (I’m sorry…what?)
and be flexible enough to move quickly when the time is right. (Have you seen Us lately? Our “flexible” and “quickly” days are clearly behind Us. As is a midget with a wheelbarrow to haul Our big fat ass around. Every time We toot, We have to get a new midget.)
(Surely you realized that that toot joke was going to continue to haunt you?)
Things are moving now! (Toot! Toot!)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
Your impatience has been growing lately, (HOW DARE YOU? We have no time for your impudence. Get thee behind Us, midget! Toot! Toot!)
(There’s a whole midget and tooting motif now, didja notice? We? Are an artiste.)
and today you might feel as if your life is moving at a frustratingly glacial pace. (We are pretty sure that there are days when We could race a glacier and lose. Today, for example, would appear to be just such a day. (In other non-sequiturs, The Amazing Race is neither amazing nor a race; discuss. (On the other hand, We would tune into that show a lot more often if it were (subjunctively) called The Amazing Racist.)))
But this change of rhythm is a very good thing. (Who could ask for anything more?)
(The old folks got that, yes?)
Give yourself time to acclimate to the slower pace, and soon the process will feel downright pleasant. (Ya know, if you re-read the preceding sentence a few times, it gets dirtier every time. Just sayin’.)
With less speed and less noise, (Where’s the fun in THAT?)
you will be able to listen to yourself (Why? Nobody else does.)
and conserve your energy much more effectively. (Oh, yes. The conservation of energy. Now THERE’S a sure-fire good time, eh?)
If you just race through the day, (Amazingly?)
you may never know the romantic wonders you’re running past. (But We bet We’d wonder about them. Wonderingly. (We would toot on this entire concept, but only if We could be guaranteed that pieces would fly out simultaneously.))
Find time to linger over that latte instead of taking it to go (Or finger over the fatte. (Hey, sometimes you just have to go where The Muse takes you.))
— someone awesome might catch your eye! (And here, We thought the fact that We had a glass eye was a well-kept secret. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Sandy Duncan.))
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.