The record shows I took the blows (heh) and did it my way

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, February 10, 2011.  Happy birthday to Pam, who turns twenty-four today.  And also happy birthday to Donald, who (coincidentally) also turns twenty-four today.  Not that I imagine Donald reads these epistles, but presumably every so often OurSara reads them to him to brighten up their workplace.  Or, as Himself used to call it, their “place of enjoyment”.  No wonder they fired his ass.

The tardiness of today’s epistle is due to the fact that I spent all the morning Turbotaxing Himself’s taxes.  I couldn’t even find anything lucrative to lie about, that’s how bad the fiscal situation around these parts is.  As you Yanks would say, Himself doesn’t have two nickels to rub together.  Or, as we Brits would say, he hasn’t a farthing to bless Himself with.  Although I my own self personally did find a five dollar bill in the gutter yesterday.

The feeble-minded amongst you are now no doubt wondering what on earth I was doing in the gutter.  Hey, SOMEbody has to try to earn a living around here, or else we’ll be reduced to having some children and opening a sweat shop.

I have precious little else to report.  To expedite things for the Faithful Readers (as opposed to you nasty, dirty naked skimmers), I have moved the ticket info re: the WaitStaff shows down below, just before Your-O-Scopes.  You’re welcome.

Financial dealings have to take precedence today (Which part of “Turbotaxing tardiness” did you miss, you dizzy cow?)

— otherwise, you are sure to feel shut out when things start to go south. (“Shut out when things start to go south” was, of course, my nickname in high school.)

 It’s a really great time for you to prioritize and get on top of things.  (Oh, Kelli.  That sentence is really, really boring.  Unless, of course, one imagines that “prioritise” is a euphemism, and that, by “things”, you mean “Johnny Depp”.)

The odd behavior of someone around you may create some obstacles, (So that, if one were (subjunctively) of a quirky turn of mind, one might call them “oddstacles”? (Every so often, I tell a cunning linguist joke, to keep the str8 bois up to muff…er, snuff.))

so you will have to come up with a few creative ways to work around them. (May I macramé them?  (Whatever happened to macramé?  Or batik, for that matter?  Surely I’m not the only one who wonders such things?))

Consider going above their head to get some ideas but keep them in the loop.  (And here, *I* was thinking of GETTING them looped and giving them head.  MY way is more creative.)

(Speaking of “my way” and “more creative”, when I first clapped my two eyes upon today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus No Mus No Fus Leave Ze Bl0wjobs To Us, I thought the caption was “Mama, I’m so hungry I’d eat the balls off a low-flying DICK”  (not “duck”).  Once again, my way?  Funnier.)

There’s nothing wrong with going your own way right now. (That’s what I said.  (Alternatively, that’s what she said. (I’ve still never seen that show.)))

You’re not joined at the hip, (We are Si-A-Mese, if you prease…)

and independent thought is the only way you are going to get the satisfaction you’re looking for now. (Kiss me quick, I’m Mick Jagger.)

Feel free to go at warp speed.  (May I go at time warp speed instead? (It’s just a jump to the left….))

All your hard work is starting to pay off, and your finances should be looking great!  (Well, it’s easy to keep them tidy, because there’s so little of them.)

Treat yourself to something sweet that’s just for you. (You said that earlier.  Except the first time you said it, I was to “prioritise” on top of Johnny Depp.)

Romance is sure to come looking, so you don’t have to break down its door.  (Get a load of Opportunity’s knockers!)

(Wow…cunning linguistics AND a titz joke!  You str8 bois must all be throwin’ bones.  You’re welcome.)

The WaitStaff will, at long last, be making its debut at Philadelphia’s premiere comedy club, Helium, with an 8PM show on Wednesday, March 16^th.  So come on out and get your pre-Saint Patrick’s Day drink on, as the WaitStaff presents an evening with The Real Housewives of South Philly.   (For those of you who saw the Fringe show, which was ENTITLED The Real Housewives of South Philly, please note that this is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT show.  The WaitStaff just finds “Real Housewives of South Philly” to be a good marketing hook for people who haven’t seen them before.)

You can get your tickets for Helium here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382

Check out the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166594253388281

Meanwhile, as those who read these pages religiously (ahem) are already aware, the WaitStaff will be presenting an evening of Smokin’ Hot Comedy to beat the winter blues on Sunday, February 27, at 7PM at World Café Live!  Our very special guests will be Dave Terruso of Animosity Pierre and Jaylene Dulap of Jaylene and the Judge.  The doors will open at 6PM, so you can come and have dinner and/or cocktails before the show (you can also have dinner and/or cocktails during the show, as long as you promise not to hurl any of it at the stage).

Get your tickets for World Café Live here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=1616

Visit the Virtual WaitStaff on the WorldWideInterWebNetz here: http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=198525196831422

Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.