Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, November 8st, 2013.
It is nobody’s birthday, SitOnMyFaceBook seems to be irretrievably busted, and
the weather outside is frightful. Thank
Gawd It’s MuthaFuckin’ Friday!
Actually, We are so worn out from the
excitement of yesterday’s Bryan’s Birthday Suit Bustin’-Out-His-BVD™s Birthday
Party that We simply do not have a fuck to give today. In fact, so pronounced is the absence of
fucks that We have to give that We are going to simply refer you to an instant
replay of yesterday’s festivities and tell you to peace the fuck out. Here ya go:
Not even the fact that it is Parker Posey's birthday seems to be able to motivate Us.
We cannot, of course, neglect to mention one
last time that The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will be returning for one night only this
coming Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.
Get your tickets here:
And
here is the HorrorScope, courtesy of Madame Olivia:
Greetings Eric ~
A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.
You face decisions every day, some small, some large and
important. After the analyzing, the examination of values, the listing of pros
and cons, all of which are hugely valuable, one last operation should be
applied: sanity testing. Ask yourself does this make sense? It's amazing what
an important and telling question this is. Try it.
Dear Aries, Madame Olivia is in awe of your innate power.
She would like to remind you that pioneer Uranus is in your sign right now, so
you might well find yourself in new situations with new things being asked of
you. You + opportunity = change for the good, to the benefit of all. Go for it.
Word of the day: explore
Godspeed and good wishes from Madame Olivia until next
time.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurThurThursDayGoodByeThurThurThursDayDon’tCry,
November 8, 2012. Whether the weather be
hot, or whether the weather be crap, We are pretty sure that Hurricane Sandy
Duncan went to the weatherweirdos heads, because, while We don’t know about where
you are, and while We certainly don’t
know about Where The Boys Are, where We are, yesterday’s weather warnings
were much ado about doo-doo. Which, as
We have already mentioned, cancelled the reading of Our murder mystery (for
which there is simply no synonymous phrase involved words beginning with Ws,
worse luck.)
(Here is that paragraph again, in Our efforts
to make Dippity-Do™ a thing, much like “fetch” in Mean Girls, mainly for the amusement of Our Sistah Ovella:
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurThurThursDayGoodByeThurThurThursDayDippityDon’tCry,
November 8, 2012. Whether the weather be
hot, or whether the weather be crap, We are pretty sure that Hurricane Sandy
Duncan went to the weatherweirdos heads, because, while We dippity-don’t know
about where you are, and while We
certainly dippity-don’t know about Where
The Boys Are, where We are,
yesterday’s weather warnings were much a-dippity-do about dippity-doo-doo. Which, as We have already mentioned,
cancelled the reading of Our murder mystery (for which there is simply no
synonymous phrase involved words beginning with Ws, worse luck.)
Fun, no? Notice that
We also made it the color of Dippity-Do™. (Well, one of them.) You’re welcome.)
We did, however, use Our new-found freedom to
attend a beer tasting. You will be
shocked, SHOCKED, We tell you, to learn that it tasted like beer.
In other news, here is this, in which a
Republican YouTuber responds to the election results. It is COMPLETELY Not Safe For Work, and is
really, really long, but if you fast-forward and sample, you will assuredly get
the gist:
In other other news, the lovely
people at Garnier-Nutrisse™ have sent Us an email whose subject line is: “Your
new hairstyle is calling, Starzina.”
Calling from where, and what the hell’s this on Our head, then?
(It didn’t actually say “Starzina”;
We were using Our poetic license. And it’s a good thing We got Our poetic
license out, as We’ve just noticed that it’s expired. We shall have to go down to the Department of
Poetic Licenses and have Our photo taken.
(Is it just Us, or is that a Monty Python sketch just waiting to
happen? Somebody get John Cleese on the
phone.))
Here is the link with which you would share
Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you
were (subjunctively) so inclined. Like
the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg.
Enjoy!
Speaking
of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here
is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
What?
What? WHAT? It is Parker Posey’s birthday! No wonder the sun is shining just a little
brighter today!
Try to slow down and take
things one step at a time — otherwise, you are sure to stumble! (Ya wanna know when you’re sure to
stumble? If you try to take things one
step at a time in a twelve-step program for two-steppers addicted to The Thirty-Nine Steps. Just sayin’.)
Things
may start to look pretty weird for you (Apparently…what with Our new hairstyle
calling Us on the phone and all.)
if
you can’t take a break, (Bake a cake.)
(What?)
(Mmmm…cake.)
so
force yourself to do what’s right. (Why
is it One never has to force Oneself to do what’s wrong?)
An analytical friend’s advice is still humming
in your mind — how can they see things so clearly? (The rain must be gone.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
To
you, life isn’t always black and white like that. (Of course it isn’t. If you live long enough, you will learn that
life is generally mulatto and octoroon.)
(Tonight
on CBS: The Amazing Racist.)
But,
while your appreciation of the gray areas of human relationships may add drama
and conflict to your life, would you really want it any other way? (Hey, We
have Garnier-Nutrisse™. We don’t have “gray
areas”.)
Do
an experiment today to find out. (Lettuce just fire up Our Bunsen burner.)
(If
you were wondering if that was a euphemism, then you just haven’t been paying
attention.)
Try
to avoid too much deliberation. (So you’re saying to deliberately avoid
deliberating?)
Consider
your options and then decide immediately. (Wait…We have options?)
Find
out if all the time you usually spend debating decisions is worth it. (Well, they might be, but then again, they
might not be. We can’t decide.)
Nothing
is sexier than peace of mind. (Um, Johnny Depp?
Prince Harry? Ryan Phillippe?
Jonathan Lipnicki?)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, October 19, 2012. We trust you have all recovered from your Zac
Efron naked birthday festivities yesterday.
Here at Erix Daily Horoscope, We have been having a spike in Our hit
count, which always makes Us wonder what is going on (since We know We don’t
have any more naked skimmers than We had before).
(It just occurred to Us to Google “naked
skimmers” on Wikipedia, to see where We might perchance acquire more. For the most part, the results were Erix
Daily Horoscope e-pissodes. How gratifying.)
At any rate, We consulted Our trusty
Google-O-Meter™, which informed Us that, in addition to the usual assortment of
“fat bellies”, “fat man”, and “fat men” (and why that horrible naked fat guy
picture holds such fascination for all y’all, We’ll never know), people still
have no idea that, if you want to search a phrase accurately, you need to put
it in quotes.
To wit, the folks who arrived here looking
for Buster Posey shirtless. Now, We Our
Own Self Personally had to look up this Buster Posey to see if there was
actually such a person. Apparently, he
plays that American sport that’s like cricket.
And, having seen him, We are perfectly amenable to having him appear within
these hallowed pages shirtless. Imagine
his fans’ disappointment, however, when they realize that, due to their lack of
quotation marks, they have arrived here due tour predilection for discussing
Buster Keaton and Parker Posey, neither shirtless, and whole bunches of other
non-Buster-Posey gentlemen, shirtless.
Our next example requires, mercifully, even
less explanation, as, while We have certainly mentioned Ms. Diana Rigg in these
e-pisstles (most recently, if We recall correctly, in a dissertation on the
fact that, when WE say The Avengers,
We mean something completely different from what You Chirren mean when you say The Avengers), We are certain beyind
doubt that We have never employed the phrase “Diana Rigg cameltoe”.
We actually had high hopes for the last
search phrase, but when We put it in quotes, We came up empty. What, however, is not to love about a “duck
dressed up as Justin Bieber”? We also
tried it the other way around, because if Justin Bieber dressed up as a duck,
specifically Donald, he’d be wearing a shirt and no pants, which would give Us
an excuse to say “Justin Bieber’s penis”, and put the following video in here
again:
Before We conclude this portion of Our
program, We must just give honorable mention the person who arrived here by
searching OMFG. We must also point out
that We did not make any of this up; these are actual search statistics
supplied by Google.
We are taking the day off from writing (other
than this e-pisstle…you lucky, lucky, people!), as We have other things to
do. Meanwhile, yesterday, some home
repair project going on next door was so loud that We thought We would lose
what passes for Our mind. We did,
however, keep writing, and still look to be on schedule for completing The Murder
Mystery That Would Not Die by the end of the weekend.
Despite the back-alley abortion that is The Weather,
We must needs go to the Ack-A-Me. And,
it being Spirit Day, whereon One must wear purple to show One’s opposition to
bullying, One has a problem. Because,
while One can think of at least three purple dresses in One’s wardrobe, One
cannot think of a single stitch of purple boy clothing. And One is NOT wearing a dress to the
Ack-A-Me.
After all, it’s raining.
Meanwhile, the following is happening in one week:
The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!
The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn
and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and
spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!
Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and
Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)
All shows are at 7:30.
Speaking
of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here
is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
It
is Jeannie C. Riley’s birthday. How sad
that that’s the best We can do. Sorry if
you’re gonna have Harper Valley PTA stuck in your heads for the rest of the day.
You
are having an easier time with meetings, (Our last “meeting” was a week
ago. And the one before that was
probably a week before that. Sigh.)
brainstorming
(Take an umbrella! And wear your
rubbers.)
and
other activities that require leadership and forward-thinking. (Leadership
requires followers. Penmanship requires
penguins. The Good Ship Lollipop
requires Shirley Temple tapdancing.)
(There. How “forward thinking” izzat?)
Your
great mental energy ensures that you impress all the right people. (As long as they’re imaginary.)
Get
ready for one of your biggest emotional walls to come down — or rather, be torn
down by a very compassionate person who wants to get to know you a little bit
better! (Is it just Us, or did every
ho-ma-seck-shull in the place just say, “Tear DOWN that bitch of a bearing wall…”?)
They
won’t accept shallow small talk from you this time. (And We can’t do Shallow Hal talk, because We never saw
it.)
(What?)
They
want to know your true thoughts and are interested in what you really want out
of life. (Well, pudding’s nice.)
(We
have no idea where that came from.
Please send help.)
Exploring your feelings in front of another
person doesn’t need to make you feel uncomfortable. (At least, not as uncomfortable as that
sentence made Us feel.)
You
can trust this person with all of your vulnerabilities. (What about Our velociraptors?)
Now
this is more like it! (That would seem
to depend on what exactly “this” and “it” are, don’t you think?)
Pack
your social schedule for all of the day and all of the night — you’ll love
meeting new people and developing deeper bonds with a certain someone new. (Did someone say “bondage”? Dinner is going to be interesting…)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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