Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurThurThursDayGoodByeThurThurThursDayDon’tCry, November 8, 2012. Whether the weather be hot, or whether the weather be crap, We are pretty sure that Hurricane Sandy Duncan went to the weatherweirdos heads, because, while We don’t know about where you are, and while We certainly don’t know about Where The Boys Are, where We are, yesterday’s weather warnings were much ado about doo-doo. Which, as We have already mentioned, cancelled the reading of Our murder mystery (for which there is simply no synonymous phrase involved words beginning with Ws, worse luck.)
(Here is that paragraph again, in Our efforts to make Dippity-Do™ a thing, much like “fetch” in Mean Girls, mainly for the amusement of Our Sistah Ovella:
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurThurThursDayGoodByeThurThurThursDayDippityDon’tCry, November 8, 2012. Whether the weather be hot, or whether the weather be crap, We are pretty sure that Hurricane Sandy Duncan went to the weatherweirdos heads, because, while We dippity-don’t know about where you are, and while We certainly dippity-don’t know about Where The Boys Are, where We are, yesterday’s weather warnings were much a-dippity-do about dippity-doo-doo. Which, as We have already mentioned, cancelled the reading of Our murder mystery (for which there is simply no synonymous phrase involved words beginning with Ws, worse luck.)
Fun, no? Notice that We also made it the color of Dippity-Do™. (Well, one of them.) You’re welcome.)
We did, however, use Our new-found freedom to attend a beer tasting. You will be shocked, SHOCKED, We tell you, to learn that it tasted like beer.
In other news, here is this, in which a Republican YouTuber responds to the election results. It is COMPLETELY Not Safe For Work, and is really, really long, but if you fast-forward and sample, you will assuredly get the gist:
In other other news, the lovely people at Garnier-Nutrisse™ have sent Us an email whose subject line is: “Your new hairstyle is calling, Starzina.” Calling from where, and what the hell’s this on Our head, then?
(It didn’t actually say “Starzina”; We were using Our poetic license. And it’s a good thing We got Our poetic license out, as We’ve just noticed that it’s expired. We shall have to go down to the Department of Poetic Licenses and have Our photo taken. (Is it just Us, or is that a Monty Python sketch just waiting to happen? Somebody get John Cleese on the phone.))
Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined. Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg . Enjoy!
Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):
Here’s the HorrorScope:
What? What? WHAT? It is Parker Posey’s birthday! No wonder the sun is shining just a little brighter today!
Try to slow down and take things one step at a time — otherwise, you are sure to stumble! (Ya wanna know when you’re sure to stumble? If you try to take things one step at a time in a twelve-step program for two-steppers addicted to The Thirty-Nine Steps. Just sayin’.)
Things may start to look pretty weird for you (Apparently…what with Our new hairstyle calling Us on the phone and all.)
if you can’t take a break, (Bake a cake.)
so force yourself to do what’s right. (Why is it One never has to force Oneself to do what’s wrong?)
An analytical friend’s advice is still humming in your mind — how can they see things so clearly? (The rain must be gone.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
To you, life isn’t always black and white like that. (Of course it isn’t. If you live long enough, you will learn that life is generally mulatto and octoroon.)
(Tonight on CBS: The Amazing Racist.)
But, while your appreciation of the gray areas of human relationships may add drama and conflict to your life, would you really want it any other way? (Hey, We have Garnier-Nutrisse™. We don’t have “gray areas”.)
Do an experiment today to find out. (Lettuce just fire up Our Bunsen burner.)
(If you were wondering if that was a euphemism, then you just haven’t been paying attention.)
Try to avoid too much deliberation. (So you’re saying to deliberately avoid deliberating?)
Consider your options and then decide immediately. (Wait…We have options?)
Find out if all the time you usually spend debating decisions is worth it. (Well, they might be, but then again, they might not be. We can’t decide.)
Nothing is sexier than peace of mind. (Um, Johnny Depp? Prince Harry? Ryan Phillippe? Jonathan Lipnicki?)
(Where are Our smelling salts?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.