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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I’m in love with a girl named Fred

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, November 6, 2012.  Happy Erection Day to all Our United Statesian readers.  Also, Happy Birthday to Peter, who turns twenty-four today.  In Delaware, which is not a swinger state.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Monica, who also also turns twenty-four today. In Ohio, which IS a swinger state. Also also also lhasa apso, Happy Birthday to Vincent, who also also also lhasa apso turns twenty-four today.  Right here in Pennsylvania, which is CLEARLY a swinger state, as this is where We Our Own Self Personally live.  And swing.  Like the pendulum do.  (Did anyone else get that reference?  God, We’re old.)

We hear that, immediately after the polls close, there will be a key party along the Pennsylvania-Ohio border.  (Again, Us?  Old.)

Speaking of voting, We Our Own Self Personally have not done so yet. Contrary to the way people are behaving on SitOnMyFaceBook, there is no rule that the earlier in the day you vote, the more times your vote gets counted. (Unless you’re a Republicant in Ohio, using Mitt Romney’s son’s voting machines.  (We would look up the kid’s name, but We can’t be arsed.  Dick?  No, it starts with a T…Twat?  Or is that one of those Alaskan retards?  Sigh.  Republicants are difficult.))

When We DO go to vote (which will be immediately after We post this, for those of you who like to play along at home and live vicariously through Us), We shall be exercising Our right NOT to have to show ID.  No doubt We shall get into a fight with little old polling place ladies, but We shall have the FBI on speed dial.  So if Starzina’s picture winds up in the paper, you’ll know why.

We do so love doing Our civic doody.

(Every so often, We edit Ourself.  You’re welcome.)

Wow…ANOTHER NCIS spinoff on CBS.  Wherever will We find the time?

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

WHAT?  Not only Erection Day, but also SALLY FIELD’S BIRTHDAY?!?  Surely you jest…

You may find it a little harder than usual  (That’s what she said.)

to get along peaceably with your friends — but any fights should be playful, not serious. (Ah, those playful not serious fights.  We always forget…which kind was the French and Indian War?)

(Meanwhile, whoever expected a French and Indian War reference in an Eric Daily Horoscope?  It’s almost as unexpected as the Spanish Inquisition.  (Everyone, on the other hand, expects a Spanish Panic reference.))

Your great energy keeps you from going over the line. (One toke over the line, Sweet Jeebus.)

 If you are looking for a new dose of romance in your life, (Is it just Us, or does “dose” sound  a little too clinical?  And possibly I a bad way?  For instance, doesn’t one get a “dose” of the clap?  Just sayin’.)

playing ‘hard to get’ is not advisable right now. (Fine. We’ll play badminton.  Show Us your birdie.)

You have nothing to lose (Indeed.)

by advertising your urge to get to know someone better, so put some effort into getting the word out today. (Oh, please.  We can’t even get people to answer Our SitOnMyFaceBook messages.)

Let people know that you are looking — it could plant just the right seed in someone’s head. (“Planting a seed in someone’s head” is a euphemism, right?)

If romance isn’t on your list right now, (Wait…there’s a list?)

use your communication skills (Habnah fleebender krumptz.)

to make sure a friend understands how your relationship has changed.  (Wouldn’t the “planting of the seed in his head” give him a clue?  How stupid IS this friend, anyway?)

Feeling hot, hot, hot? (It’s November.  No.)

You should be, if the stars have anything to say about it (We’ll take Paul Lynde to block.)

— and you’re looking hot, hot, hot too! (Clearly, Kelli wants something from Us.)

Don’t delay when it comes to having some sizzling fun. (Does the word “sizzling” automatically make anyone else think of fajitas?  Mmmm…fajitas.)

How about salsa dancing?  (Sounds messy.)

(Wait for it…THERE ya go!)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.