Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, April 16rd , 2014.
Happy Birthday to TheLovelyAndTalentedKevin,
who turns twenty-four today. He would be doing so right here in The City
Of Brotherly Love Handles, but he is currently vacationing in Seattle or some
such. Don’t share Space Needles. (We
have no idea what that means.)
We should like to point out to Kevin, in case
he was unaware, that Emma Watson’s birthday was just yesterday. (We have no idea what THAT means either, but
as far as Kevin is concerned, We are fairly certain that One would do better to
mention Emma Watson than NOT to mention Emma Watson.)
In honor of the anniversary of TheLovelyAndTalentedKevin’s
nativity, here, all the way from Britland, is “How Sweary Are You?”, which will
no doubt teach you Yanks a few new words.
It is purely textual, so it SHOULD be safe for work, unless Big Brother
can read the text you’re reading, or you are foolish enough to read it aloud: http://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/how-sweary-are-you
(It occurs to Us that, in addition to being
generally amusing, this list of British vulgarities might be of particular interest
to the gentlemen playing Lance Boyle, from the British boy-band Nocturnal
Emission, in Our new murder mystery, one of whom is the aforementioned TheLovelyAndTalentedKevin. So We shall include you on the SitOnMyFaceBook
notification.)
In other news, Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is
coming up on a landmark…We will very shortly be celebrating our THOUSANDTH
e-pissode in Bloggonia! Stay tuned for updates on the festivities!
Today, for those of you who are wondering, or who are mathematically inclined, is E-pissode Number 999. Consequently, in the time-honored tradition of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, We are going to complain. About Things That Are Unfair.
It is unfair to dream about “waking up” and “being
unable to go back to sleep”, all the while “being unable to remember what you
were dreaming about when you were ‘asleep’ (which you still are)”. It is also unfair for dead people to come
back to life so they can Die Another Day in your dreams. Neither of these things is remotely restful.
It is unfair that, if We could afford to have
someone come over and clean OurHouseWhereWeLive, We would have to clean OurHouseWhereWeLive
before We could have someone come over to clean OurHouseWhereWeLive.
It is unfair that We cannot even complain
about the major thing We have to complain about, as it would violate Our Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
rule about discussing people We know in anything but a positive light.
It is further unfair that the fact that We
have vowed not to complain at all during tomorrow’s 1000th E-Pissode only serves to guarantee that, as soon
as We post THIS e-pissode, something monumentally complaint-worthy will happen
to Us. Sigh.
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In still other news, please Save The Date for
Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The
Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.
More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus
H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod!
You won’t want to miss THAT!
Wait a minute…yesterday, it was seventy
degrees out, and today it’s FORTY?!? The hell?!?
We find Ourselves (not that We were looking
for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the
harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity. Our Aries video is above, and here is the
link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie
Starfish, for comparison:
Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We
need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited
Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We wouldn’t want him to get mad.
And here’s the HorrorScope:
We have consulted Our celebrity birthday website,
and have thus concluded that TheLovelyAndTalentedKevin is hotter than everyone
else born on his birthday. (Of course,
We’re talking about Jon Cryer, Jimmy Osmond, and Wilbur Wright, but still…)
Things are going on deep within you that you
can’t understand (We WISH!)
— but you don’t have to! (You are not the boss of Us!)
(Wait, what?)
You’re in a really good position (Downward
dachshund?)
(See, now, We debated how that joke should
go. We settled on “downward dachshund”
because We thought it was suBtler, and We are nothing if not suBtle. (Our other
option, for those of you who are comedy-impaired, was “downward wienerdog”.) We’re fairly certain We made the right
decision, but let’s take a quick Gentle Reader survey…)
(See?
YouPeople think this is EASY…)
to
make a difference when it comes to family or other group dynamics. (Wait…Kelli is still talking? Jeebus.)
Expect a few ego clashes to slow down your
progress today — and be grateful that time is not a big concern of yours right
now. (Indeed. Odd how We have all the time in the world, as it (subjunctively)
were, and yet, They say “time is money”, but We don’t have any of that. Is
puzzlement.)
A drama is coming, but it will be a very
entertaining one for you — because you’re not going to be a part of it. (Oh,
goody…another play that We’re not in.)
You get to sit on the sidelines, enjoying the
game that other people are playing. (Is it a play, or a football game? Stop masturbating your metaphors.)
It won’t be too bloody, but it will be full
of low blows (OOOOoooohhhhh!!!!)
and even a shocking revelation or two. (Did
We mention that We’re not easily shocked?)
Whenever people get together, the social
dynamics can get complicated. (And
whenever people DON’T get together, there ARE no social dynamics…what’s yer
fuckin’ point?)
Life could get a little off-balance today. (We
prefer “off-kilter”. (Actually, We’d
prefer that you take your kilt off.))
Try a long walk with an old friend. (We’d prefer an old walk with a long
friend. (As long as he takes his kilt
off.))
(Stay tuned tomorrow for Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s
1000th E-Pissode!!!!
)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
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Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
