Don’t trust a ho

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, October 26, 2012.  Happy Eid al-Adha to Juan Anne Dahl.  (We had no idea what that meant (Our Dilbert calendar told it to Us), until We Googled it on Wikipedia.  Turns out, it’s a Muslim feast (which We had already surmised), and it’s not the least bit interesting, particularly in terms of mining humor from it.)

We were given to reflect, however, how people can possibly speak all these foreign languages when they all consist of random collections of letters but no actual words.

Speaking of Googling things on Wikipedia, We just learnt that We are the only writer on the entire WorldWideInterWebNetz who has ever referenced Juan Anne Dahl.  We feel We should get a prize of some sort.

Once We have finished this e-pisstle, We have to make six people confess to murder.  Which would not be a bad day’s work if We were (subjunctively), say, the District Attorney, but, alas, We are just finishing up Our murder mystery.  Which has been enthusiastically accepted by those who commissioned it, We might add, so More On That Story As It Develops.

Consequently, moving right along, here are some inappropriate tweets from Twatter to make up for the lack of original material:

The second worst thing about dating a panda is never being able to have bamboo furniture.

Next time someone asks, "Do you like impressions?", grab 'em by the shoulders, look into their eyes, and whisper, "I fucking LOVE impressions."

One time I was driving & I thought this woman was trying to casta spell on me but she was really just trying to tell me I had books on my car roof.

You haven't lived until you've tried to make a bed and the sheets get caught by a ceiling fan and destroy all the lamps in the room.

We are so close to living in  an age where someone will say, "Oh, no!  Grandma Brittany died!"

Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever.  Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.

Being full of energy for five hours sounds horrible.

My favorite part of the turkey is its jive ass.

Ever since my friend came back from her New Orleans tirp she's been pronouncing all her French wordss with herpes on her mouth.

When your limbs fall asleep that's Death seeing how far he can get without you noticing.

I hate evrything I've ever said at the end of a  phone call.

I always cry when I see a dog with three legs because I only have two legs.

My Internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

Don't stare at me during sex!  I don't know you !!!

Your vagina should not be lower than the hem of your shorts.

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Meanwhile, the following is happening tonight, tomorrow, and next Wednesday (assuming (thereby making a sumo wrestler out of Uma Thurman’s ass) We have not all been killed by FrankenStorm).  We will see you there, won’t We?  For those who know him, Our Sistah Ovella (aka Bob Mason) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly at all three performances.  Also, A Very Special Guest Star will be playing Brett Somers at Saturday’s performance …be afraid, be very afraid.:

The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/284819

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In one of those bizarre co-inky-dinks that only seem to happen here at Erix Daily Horoscope, Hillary Clinton, Jaclyn Smith, and Pat Sajak are all turning sixty-five today.  Leading Us, naturally, to the question…have We ever seen the three of them together in the same place at the same time?  What are the odds that they are actually all three the same person?  And how freaked out would that make Bill Clinton and Vanna White?

Avoid any new business today, (How is Our business any of your business?  We’ve had just about enough of you!)

no matter how tempting it may seem to be. (You know  what’s not tempting?  Your horoscope, Kelli.  We just wandered off to the InterNetz for a good ten minutes.  AssHat.)

You have got to focus (Sorry…did you say something?)

on the projects and chores that have been languishing before you can look forward to new things.  (“Languishing”?  Seriously?)

You have been all smiles with one of your foes lately, (The name’s Foe.  Edgar Allan Foe.)

(Sorry.)

and this trend is likely to continue for some time. (Yeah, because they don’t call it a trend if it’s over real fast.  Moron.)

The two of you have much more to gain by getting along than you do by pushing against each other’s interests.  (The term “lovemuffin” just leapt, all unbidden, into Our consciousness.  We have no idea why.)

This isn’t exactly going to be a lovefest, though. (Sez YOU.  (Why “lovemuffin” and not “lovebiscuit”?  “Lovebaguette”?  “LoveKaiserRoll”?))

There is still a real problem, (“LoveAmericanStyle”?  “LoveIsAManySplendoredThing”? “LoveSidney”?)

(We have no idea why she thinks there’s a problem.)

(Did anybody actually ever WATCH Love, Sidney?)

and it will not go away until they grow up and start to accept responsibility for their actions.  (We’re confused.  Who are “they”?)

You should be aware that this peace is probably only temporary.  (ViZZZualiize whirled peas.)

Everything changes — that’s simply the nature of life, and especially the nature of love. (But if the fact that everything changes doesn’t change…)

If you keep clutching at what you think you have, (Our pearls? Our purse? Jonathan Lipnicki’s ass?)

(How did THAT happen?)

you’re sure to miss out on what’s just about to arrive. (And We’d sure hate to sleep through FrankenStorm.  (Anybody got a hottie handy who’d like to come and keep Us company through the hurricane?))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

So kiss me goodbye…honey, I’m gonna make it out alive

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Just Another Matlock Monday, February 27, 2012.

Andy Griffith…dead or alive?  We have no idea. (Still alive and eighty-five.  We just Googled him on Wikipedia.  Because that’s the kind of full-service information hooker We are here at Erix Daily WhoreOScope.)

Like you care.

So, it has come to this.

We should warn you, We did not watch so much as thirty seconds of the Gay SuperBowl last night, so if you came here this morning expecting pithy commentary on Angelina’s anorexia or Animatronic Billy Crystal, you are about to be sorely disappointed.

Has anyone ever actually said “pithy” and not thought “pissy with a lisp”?

“Pissy Withalisp” was, of course, the original name for Butterfly McQueen’s character in Gone With The Wind. (We didn’t want you to be TOO disappointed about the absence of movie coverage this morning.)

So, it has come to this.

We have just taken a call wherein We learned that We shall go to Lindenwold, New Jersey later this week and earn a hundred dollars.  We are just like a cheap hooker.  (Without the sex.  But then, you knew that.  We’re pretty sure that, whenever you think of Us (if you think of Us at all), it’s without the sex.)

Speaking of you, and you not thinking of Us, We should like to point out that the ever-so-mild winter that We have been having does not ameliorate (how’s that for a five-dollar word?   Give Us five dollars, dammit!) Our Seasonal Affective Disorder one iota, one whit, or one jot (you all did just sing that to the tune of “One bourbon, one scotch, and one beer”, did you not?), Seasonal Affective Disorder being associated with the absence of light as opposed to the presence of revolting winter weather.  Naturally, We are aware that We are in the home stretch of this year’s SAD, but that doesn’t help much when We it occurs to Us, as it did this weekend, that…you know what, never mind.

So, it has come to this.

Here is the link that you will persist in not using to share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month: Pisces video with your friends:  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 That would be the self-same link that, to the best of Our knowledge, no one has EVER used on one of their friends’ SitOnMyFaceBook pages to wish said friend a happy birthday.  We would blame that on the presence of The Bieber, except that the same is true of all of Our other TotMH videos.

Meanwhile, like a phoenix from the ashes of this cruel misuse comes this thought: what exactly would a movie script entitled Blame It On The Bieber  entail? (Our creative juices are now flowing; We hope We didn’t get any on ya.)

And now, Charlene Tilton sings “So It Has Come To This”.   Which is, of course, the sequel to the Peggy Lee classic, “Is That All There Is?”   And which, conversely, has absolutely nothing to do with “I Am Hennery The Eighth, I Am”.  (Hennery the eighth, I am, I am.  I got married to the widow next door; she’d been married seven times before.  And every one was a Hennery (Hennery!); there never was a Willy or a Sam (No Sam!) .  I’m her eighth old man, I’m Hennery.  Hennery the eighth I am, I am.  Hennery the eighth I am. (Second verse, same as the first… (Oh…is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

Stick to whatever you’re doing today (Johnny Depp?)

 

— it’s important that you show that you can persevere even in the face of certain failure. (If the failure is certain, wouldn’t you wanna start persevering in the other direction?  Just sayin’.)

 

Someone is watching, (No.  No, they’re not.)

 

and they need to see persistence and optimism.  (Well, then, We’re afraid they’re going to be severely disappointed. )

 

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 

 After a few weeks of turbulence, (No need for nervousness…it’s just a little turbulence.)

 

(Thank you, Kelli, for reminding Us of the Snakes on a Plane theme song (speaking of famous fillums), truly one of Our favorite songs of the past decade.  We shall be downloading it forthwith.)

 

one of your friendships has reached a lovely cruising altitude, lately. (Is it just Us, or does that sound vaguely dirty?  Care to clue Us in as to which of Our friends We’re about to be vaguely dirty with?)

 

You two are moving into a very nice phase. (Are you looking at Our moon?  ‘Cause We’re looking at Uranus.)

 

Having conversation is easy, and you’re communicating so well together that you can almost read each other’s minds. (You are beginning to frighten Us.)

 

Celebrate this situation together with a night out on the town, or a special dinner out. (Mmmm…dinner.)

 

You can go on a date with a friend — after all, isn’t a date just a time you schedule to spend exclusively with someone you like?  (How the hell would We know?  We haven’t been on one since the Clinton administration.)

 

So, it has come to this.

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

It’s raining men, hallelujah!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tootsie, September 6, 2011.  The Director of the Philly Fringe Festival sent all of Us participants an email today, informing Us that “It Is Raining”, and, consequently, if We were presenting outside performances, We should cancel them.  So, presumably, Our life COULD be worse; We could be doing The Wedding Consultant OUTSIDE.  Or perhaps in a carwash. Of course, if We were (subjunctively) doing it in a carwash, maybe you would, oh, I don’t know, BUY SOME TICKETS:  http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

Of course, Our next performance being Thursday, We may already be in FBI custody, as We have been Googling “waiting period gun state of Pennsylvania” on Wikipedia.

We have still not quite recovered from the shock of the staggering indifference that greeted both Our WorldWideInterWebNetzian absence, and Our return.  Meanwhile, here is something for which no tickets are required, and yet We bet you won’t go look at it anyway:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:  McDonna’s last period. (From 2009, in case you were wondering.)  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You are legitimately concerned about how others are seeing you, (Actually, We’re more concerned with them NOT seeing Us.)

and today may bring some new information to light. (We shall wait with bated breath.  Also, We shall bait with weighted breath.  And braid with baby’s breath.  Basically, We’ll just sit here and babble incoherently to Ourself while We ponder the futility of all human endeavor.)

Don’t freak out (Don’t tell Us what to do.)

— you’ve got to just set the record straight as soon as you can!  (Even if We HAD a straight record, no one would buy it.  They probably wouldn’t’ even illegally download it for free. Sigh.)

Someone who has a tendency to make things harder than they should be (Johnny Depp?)

may ask you for some help today (Oh, yeah.  ‘Cause Johnny Depp needs OUR help.)

— and you probably won’t have time to give it. (We are pretty sure We could make time in Our non-busy non-schedule for Johnny Depp.)

Resist the urge to get frustrated (Too late.  Also, who the hell has an “urge” to get frustrated?  Frustration pretty much just happens when things are, ya know, frustrating…ain’t no “urge” about it.  Asshat.)

or laugh at this person’s situation. (We think We should pretty much refuse to go and laugh at other people’s situations until they agree to come and laugh at Ours.)

It’s true that you could get yourself out of a similar predicament in no time, (Well, duh.  As We have always said, We can run everyone’s life but Our Own.)

 but he or she isn’t quite as experienced as you. (Oh, please.  We haven’t had an experience since the Clinton administration.)

Don’t fear that this person will be upset with you for not helping — by letting him or her go it alone, you’re helping more than you know.  (That’s not even possible.  In what sort of Bizarro-World alternate universe would JOHNNY DEPP have to MASTURBATE?)

When you try different tactics to get what you want out of love, you’re destined to find the best approach. (With Our luck, We will. Only wind up finding the best roach.)

If what you’re doing now isn’t working, try something else.  (Well, since right now We are basically just existing…)

And keep trying until you succeed. (Or at least until you suck.  (Ooops…too late.))

Don’t give up! (And again We say, don’t tell Us what to do.)

 

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 02, 2011.

Just a quick note to thank all those who inquired after Our well-being when We disappeared from the InterNetz for an entire week.  Oh, wait…

In still other news, do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? It is opening night, and the cast is not speaking to each other.  Should be a hell of a cast party.  http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

And for all you smutty smut-loving smut-lovers, here’s this:

No actual horoscope today; We are just letting you know that We Are back.

Here, however, is a little trivia question:  what do the following celebrities have in common? Tom Cruise, Bill Clinton, Donny and Marie Osmond, and Judy Garland.

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.