She bangs, she bangs

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day,  September Sebbenteenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Sara who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday also to Richard, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Happy Birthday also too to Lauren, who also too turns twenty-four today, for the very first time, no less, also too right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles That Loves You (On Your) Back.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Lex, who turns twenty-four today (which may or may not be yesterday or tomorrow (time zones are complexicated)) all the way over in China.  Which makes him, We would venture to say, Our Farthest-Flung Gentle Reader. (Insert Wellest-Hung joke here.  (Insert William Hung joke here.))

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In other news, The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!

 was SOLD OUT (and very well-received)  this past Friday, Saturday, and Sunday  nights, so if you want to curry favor with Us by showing up  (because mmmm….curried favor) get your tickets now and/or quick, fast and in a hurry: http://fringearts.com/event/the-waitstaff-sht-the-bed-10/ The show continues tonight, Friday, and Saturday at 8 at L’Etage, and, if you perchance lay your hands upon tickets for Friday, you will encounter the extra added attraction of Us Our Own Self Personally working box office.  Because We’re multitalented like that.

We Our Own Self Personally will not be shitting the bed tonight, as We have a private murder mystery show.  We will next be performing the murder mystery publicly on Friday, September 26.  If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us.  (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)

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Speaking of lemurs on Uranus,  (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, most of the celebrities having birthdays today are already dead (Anne Bancroft, Roddy McDowall, John Ritter).  The celebrities who are having birthdays today who are still alive are people of whom We have never heard.  What the hell kind of “celebrities” are those?  They include a “web video star” (seriously?) and a “cricket player”.  Jigga wut?

And now, as Our day is getting completely away from Us, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

How nice to be with you again.

Madame Olivia is interested in the song with the lyrics "All of me loves all of you." There's a little scrimmage in Madame Olivia's brain, though, because the line is so absolute and so total and sets the bar for a relationship so very high. Happily, the singer does ameliorate it by saying "I love all your perfect imperfections." This is a great line, and so worth thinking about: can you love somebody's perfect imperfections and is it mutual? Does it go both ways?

And now, Aries, Madame Olivia would like to suggest that you will soon find yourself needing to assert yourself. Yes, you! Even if it feels difficult or impolitic, in an upcoming dilemma you will need to speak up. You will find that people will listen, the situation will calm down, and things will be better than before, especially for you.

Madame Olivia sees great energy for you around odd numbers

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Allons enfants de la Patrie, le jour de gloire est arrive!

Greetings, English Restaurant Introduces Crumpets---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, May 28, 2010 (Happy Weekend to Juan Anne Dahl! We are told it’s a holiday weekend, so y’all won’t be workin’ Monday. Us neither. We will, however, be working today, writing an application for the WaitStaff to appear in the Wilmington Fringe Festival. (For Our far-flung, forever-young, well-hung readers (including William Hung (y’all didn’t even know We knew who that was, didja? We got Our finger on the pulse, Bay-Bee!)), that’s Wilmington, DELAWARE. Wilmington being one o’ them city names that pops up in d@mn near every state. Much like Springfield, which may actually occur in all fifty states. H3ll, even Philadelphia happens in Mississippi. (One types “Mississippi” so rarely…do all y’all spell it out as you type it, too? (Oh, YOU know what We’re talkin’ about…”em-eye-ESS-ESS-eye-ESS-ESS-eye-PEE-PEE-eye”. (Heh. We said “pee-pee”.))))):


(Jeebus Cripes, geography is boring! In other news, speaking of the far-flung, forever-young, and well-hung, We spoke to one of ‘em on the phone last night (now, of course, We can’t say who, as he might be embarrassed (people often don’t like others to know the extent to which they’ve been flung)). Shortly thereafter, We noticed that his SitOnMyFaceBook status said something about “French homework”. First of all, obviously, all y’all are jealous that someone of Our advanced years actually speaks to people who still have homework. That, for those who have always wondered, is what keeps Us young. Or regular. One of those. At any rate, that’s not why We brought that up. We were intrigued by the concept of “French homework”, and wondered just what exactly it could be. Eat a croissant? Contemplate One’s f0reskin? Scr3w somebody on the bidet? Ovella, help Us out here.)


(Having already mentioned the WaitStaff, We would be remiss not to tell you that Our Fringe show is entitled The Real Housewives Of South Philly. And We would be SwissMiss not to tell you that first, We will be doing Christmas in July: A Surprise Birthday Party For Jesus, both at World Café Live and at L’Etage. (That second show We mentioned will be in July. Stay tuned for further details.))


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Oh, there's just no stopping you now. (How many people just sang “Ain’t no stoppin’ Us now?” (How many of you sang the French national anthem, just to be contrary? (Do We have the funniest friends, or what? (See? Y’all said “or what?”, thus proving Our point.)))


(Our comedies…see how complexicated they are.)


No one will want to, and you won't have even the slightest inclination to do it for yourself. (Because sistahs are doin’ it fo’ theyselves. (Don’t fight the funk, people.))


That said, you should probably be on guard against being excessive. (If We’ve told you once, We’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate.)


You should -- but you won't be. (Clearly, this sentence refers back to something Kelli said earlier. As though We had committed her pathetic brain poots to memory or something. (“Poots”, of course was a reference to Our discussion of yesterday. Because We remember the pearls We cast before the swine.))


Better take tomorrow off right now. (Okey-dokey-artichokey.)


Anyone who comes across as bold, brazen or less likely than most to buckle under extraordinary pressure will absolutely capture your attention. (Especially if they are an article.)


(We shall pause here, while those who went to Catholic school stop laughing.)


That, and your libido. (Okay, sentences? Have verbs.)


(Heh. See what We did there?)


It's time to stop putting energy into those little things that have kept you and a coworker from being mutually productive. (We were desperately hoping that “mutually productive” wasn’t one o’ them euphemism thingies, until We realized it makes no difference, because We no longer have coworkers.)


You're on the same team. (And there’s no “I” in team. There’s also no “I” in @sshole. So if some @sshole tells you there’s no “I” in team, tell him, “No, but there’s a number of ‘em in “Mississippi”… em-eye-ESS-ESS-eye-ESS-ESS-eye-PEE-PEE-eye!”)


(Heh. We said “pee-pee” again.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




Snap! Crackle! Pop! Rice cowgrass)