Jeebus loves me, this I know, shuffle off to Buffalo

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Frito™PieDay, February 3, 2012.  No doubt you are all enjoying your day off for the Feast of Saint Blaise; here’s hoping all your throats are blessed and deep. (Is it just Us, or does “Saint Blaise” sound like an excellent name for a porn star?  Of either gender?)

Meanwhile, mmmmm, Frito™ Pie.

In other news, We were notified by YouTube yesterday that a fellow YouTuber had sent Us the following video:

http://youtu.be/UyWHICdnx_o

…which was accompanied by this note:

Shalom from Jews for Jesus

We are looking for Christian bloggers and youtubers who would be willing to write reviews for our latest film Awakening. The film was narrated by Stephen Baldwin and we are very excited to have the Churches of America see this film. I have sent you a short trailer so you can see. If you are interested in writing a review message back and we will send you a screener copy of the film. We hope you enjoy the film and are encouraged and uplifted.

Be Blessed

We actually have some free time on Our hands, and are thinking We might enjoy performing a little cinematic critique.  After all, We once made a fillum about Our Lord:

Speaking of Oscars™, please share Our Aquarius fillum with your friends:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovOtlxcnC50

(How was THAT for a goddamn segue?)

Also check out the other videos, which no doubt influenced Our friends the Jews for Jesus to ask for Our help.   Especially the “pick things up and put them down” parody: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

Meanwhile, is anyone else as confused as We are by the Baldwin brothers who aren’t Alec?  It’s like Charlene Tilton’s brother, Milton, who no one ever talks about.

And:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Leave the details to lesser minds today (If only.)

— you’ve got your eye on the big picture, (Insert “hooker with glass eye” joke here.)

and can’t be bothered to handle anything so trivial. (As a pursuit?)

 Things should pick up in a big way by the end of the day!  (Was that a fat joke?)

Making a change in your life is wise right now, (Fine…We’ll take two fives and a ten.)

but making any type of rapid change is not. (Indeed. We see no need to be hasty about anything, and, consequently, We are still wearing Our “Tuesday” panties.)

(Talk about your “not-so-fresh” feeling.)

(Oh, wait…it’s “JEWS for Jesus”, not “Cooze for Jesus”.  Never mind.)

Just as when you go swimming in very cold water, you need to ease your way in so that you don’t become overwhelmed.  (Which is totally different from what happens when you go swimming where some boys were.)

There are sharks swimming in these waters, (We’re gonna need a bigger boat.)

and if you make too big of a move too soon, you may end up attracting their attention!  (Apropos of absolutely nothing, it just occurred to Us that, if the theme from Jaws had words, it’d be rap.)

There’s no rush at all, so take your time!  (Then you might wanna rethink the random exclamation point.)

Whom are you trying to impress? (Justin Bieber’s pediatrician.)

You’re thinking fast and talking even faster — even you might be surprised by some of the things that come out of your mouth. (No doubt.  Because it would seem to Us that if We were (subjunctively) talking faster than We were thinking, We would probably say some pretty stupid stuff.  Which doesn’t seem to be the point you were trying to make, you addlepated cooterlicker.)

(“Addlepated cooterlicker”…that’s virtually Shakespearean, innit?)

It’s an ideal state (What is California, Alex?)

for rapid-fire witty repartee with someone attractive, so get out there. (We’re already pretty far out there, as near as We can tell.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Walk, walk, walk, walk him up, walk him up the stairs

Greetings, Elegant Rebuttal Ignites Cigarette----


(Heh. See what We did there?)


Here is your horoscope for Monday, April 12, 2010 (A Very Happy Un-Monday To You! (If you didn’t sing that to yourself the first time, We’ll wait while you go back and do it again. (There, that’s better.))):


(Our ailment seems to be about seventy-five percent departed. We Our Own Selves Personally, on the other hand, seem to be dearly departed. Also, We seem to have mislaid (heh) the dearly beloved. Also also, isn’t it peculiar that “dearly” as in “dearly beloved” doesn’t rhyme with “pearly” as in “pearly gates”. (Apropos of nutting, We once assayed the role of Ol’ Cap’n in the musical Purlie. We were approximately twenty-four at the time. We shall have to scan a photo of Ourself in Our age makeup and padding…We would be lucky to make Ourself look that good for a night out these days. (For those non-musical-theatre-queens amongst all y’all, if you don’t know what “Ol’Cap’n in Purlie” means, just pretend We said “Colonel Sanders”. KThxBye.)))


(How many of you just let “apropos of nutting” slide right on by? You take Us for granted, you do. (Also, Micro$oft Weird™ appears to think that “nutting” is not a word. Which, come (heh) to think of it, explains a great deal.))


(We are about to do A Very Bad Thing. We are just telling you that upfront, so that We can disavow all knowledge of your actions should you or any of your IM Force be caught or killed. Also, so We can be assured that you have no one but yourself to blame when you do the thing We are about to tell you not to do. )


(On Saturday afternoon, We were out in the world, spreading good cheer and snot, the way One does, when Our pants rang, alerting Us to the arrival of a text message from TCBITWWW. In said message, he chastised Us for ever having introduced him to Sporcle. “Sporcle?” sez We, “The h3ll?” It subsequently became clear that TCBITWWW’s text had gone astray and was never meant for Us. Alas, it was too late, as We promptly arrived home and Googled “Sporcle” on Wikipedia….)


(Now here comes the warning: WHATEVER YOU DO, do NOT go to http://www.sporcle.com (which is, parenthetically, completely work safe) and start testing your knowledge by taking quizzes. Because, if you do, when you finally come to, it will be Thursday. June 14th. 2012. And you will have lost your job, and be homeless. But you will know what element comes after nitrogen on the periodic table.)


(We, of course, were busily demonstrating Our senility on a quiz in which One was expected to name actors who had been in Batman movies. We had most of them from the older set of films, and the main ones from the new films. We knew that We didn’t know the name of the guy who played Alfred the butler in the old set (it was Michael Caine in the newer set), and We were pretty sure We’d never remember most of the secondary characters from the newer set, because We LOATHED both Batman Begins and Dark Knight. (Sorry, Heath Ledger. You broke Our back, AND Our mountains, WHUUUUUTTTT?) However, We were stuck on who played Vicki Vale in the very first Batman of the older set. And, as We sat here, saying…OUT LOUD…”It’s that ugly blond chick, who divorced Alec Baldwin, and has an Oscar™ she doesn’t deserve for LA Confidential…”, We realized that We had finally and completely lost whatever was left of Our mind.)


(So yeah. Whatever you do, don’t go to http://www.sporcle.com . You’re welcome.)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


You've seen the movie where the hero jumps from the bridge to the top of a speeding train, then chases and neatly nabs the soon-to-be-very-sorry bad guy? (Was that ugly blond chick in it? (You don’t think We’re gonna say her name, do you? If you can’t think of it either, you can just be tormented like We were. (We did ultimately figger it out. (We know you were worried.))))


Well, you may not be doing any train-leaping, (Eight trains a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, and a partridge in a pear tree.)


(FIVE!!! GOLDEN!!! RIIIIIINGS!!!)


(Which part of “lost Our minds” did you not understand?)


but it still wouldn't be wise to mess with you. (If you like it then you shoulda put a mess on it.)


You tried, but you just couldn't shut up (Obviously, We’ve met before.)


and not say those hurtful words. (That’s Us…saying hurtful words to the wartful herds. Since 2001.)


You can't take them back, but you can apologize. (Not only that, you should SEE Us accessorize.)


The sooner and sweeter, the better. (Also, the bigger the better, the more in the sweater. (That was for Our str8 boi readers. Now that they’ve all popped b0ners, for Our g@y boi readers: “The bigger the better, the more in the sweatpants.”))


Stop thinking about working out. (Fine, you’ve talked Us into it.)


Get up, get dressed and go work out. (But you just said…)


Muscles need actual participation from other body parts to become toned. (Wonderful. How ‘bout you shove ‘em up your @ssz and see what happens?)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

cowgrass…I put that @#$%* on EVERYTHING!)