Maybe I shall meet him Sunday, maybe Monday, maybe not

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThirstyThirstay, April Elebbenf, Twenty-Thirsteen.  Happy Birthday to Nick, who turns twenty-four today.  At Drexel.  But that’s okay, as he is an instructor.  Most of the instructors there are twenty-four.  At least.  A twenty-four-year-old student would be, on the other hand, either a graduate student, or what they refer to as an “alternative student”.  Or just really, really slow.

Having just thus discoursed on higher edumacation without once resorting to the word “tard”, We are tempted to just call today a win and be done with it.  We shall, naturally, soldier on, but not before We congratulate Ourself from refraining to share today’s meme video in which the baby penguin is tickled.

You’re welcome.

Also, intercourse the penguin.

We shall also refrain from discussing the weather.  Also, We would mention the fact that We broke Our glass unicorn yesterday, but clearly if We were (subjunctively) cast in The Glass Menagerie, We would be playing Amanda, not Laura, so why bother?

We are so cultured, and literary, and classy, We could just scream.

Speaking of penguin fucking, here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

 A whole bunch of C- and D-list celebrities were born today.  Apparently, if We want cake, We’re gonna have to bake it Our Own Self.

You feel quite agreeable today (No We don’t.)

(Seriously…is there ANYONE here who didn’t see that coming?  (Don’t MAKE Us use the “tard” word.))

— so much so that you might just charm (Always after me fucking charms…they’re spastically meretricious.)

your way into a new romance (Or at least a BAD romance.)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Lady Gaga.  (If Honey Boo Boo married Lady Gaga, she’d be Honey Boo Boo Gaga.  (What?  You’d rather We shared the fucking penguin video?  (How many people are now picturing a porno starring Burgess Meredith?  We’re sorry.))))

or a new job!  (We already HAVE a new job!  We wear a lot of polyester and try not to spill drinks on people.  You should come watch.  It’s fun.)

Your energy is a bit low-key, (How kind.)

which is perfect for this mission.  (Should you decide to accept it.  As always, should you or any of your IM Force be caught or killed, The Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.  This horoscope will self-destruct in five seconds.)

The future is always in motion, (As is the backfield.)

(Do We even need to point out that We have no idea what that MEANS, but it’s an old song lyric.)

so don’t stress  (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!!!!)

if you can’t quite make out your goal right now. (Why, it seems like just yesterday that We were playing rugby.  (Are there goals in rugby?  We certainly hope so…it’s difficult to play a game without goals.))

Simply deal with events as they come along, (Some day he’ll come along, the man I love, and his dick will be long, the man I love…)

(Sorry. Just a little musical interlude.)

 and try not to control or predict the future too stringently.  (All things considered, it’s so much simpler to predict the past.)

After all, life has many wonderful surprises to offer,  (Earthquakes, herpes, the Spanish Inquisition…)

but the trick is to be in a receptive state so you can appreciate those surprises.  (SURPRISE!!!)

For now, put the past behind you  (Have you SEEN Our behind?  There’s no room for anything else back there.)

and focus on the present. (Who got Us a present?  You shouldn’t have!  (We only said that to be polite…of course you should have.  We are, after all, Us.))

The future will be here before you know it.  (It tends to follow the present with alarming regularity.)

You may want to move forward with this low-key (Again with the “low-key”?)

relationship, but you don’t know what to say. (That will not, of course, stop Us from talking.)

Don’t force the issue (Also, don’t fight da funk.)

— your energy and honesty can get you through this. (Our what and Our what now?)

You should come out smiling.  (Honey, that ship has sailed.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Batman is here and the joke is on you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Frydee, June 24, 2011.  So (almost) no one got back to Us after yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Tina Yothers You Only THOUGHT We Were Going To Say Justine Bateman to tell Us what your Batman name turned out to be.  So We’re just going to guess that it was Adam West. Except for those for whom it turned out to be Burt Ward’s Penis.

The remainder of today’s horoscope is going to be like one of those exercises where someone tells you not to think about penguins, and then all you can think about is penguins.  Except YouAll will be thinking about Burt Ward’s Penis.  (On the plus side, speaking of penguins, it could be worse; We COULD have said “Burgess Meredith’s Penis”.)

Is it just Us, or are We in the midst of a serious dearth of birthdays?  A birthday dearth, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think it’s all about YOU?)  It seems like forever since We’ve wished more than one person a happy twenty-fourth.  Which may explain the infuriating lack of attention being paid to Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video.  Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  .  We’re not even going to mention the “Like” button any more, as YouPeople obviously cannot even find Uranus with both hands.

In still more self-referential news, it has been amusing Us of late, as We have mentioned previously in these pages, to peek at Our Google Bloggonian statistics.  We are currently being captivated by the list of OLD entries that people choose to look at at any given time; every day, some not-insignificant number of obviously highly intelligent denizens of the WorldWideInterWebNetz are poring over pearls of wisdom that We cast before YouSwine in 2010.  In case this amuses you as much as it amuses Us (not that We care, mind you), herewith the Top Ten Most Viewed Erix Daily Horoscopes Of All Time (“All Time” being, of course a relative term, Our entry into Bloggonia having only occurred in January 2010):

'Cause tonight we're gonna party like it's 1929 Jan 2, 2011 172 Pageviews When the Moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter ... May 19, 2011, 4 comments 102 Pageviews I'll be fine and dandy; Lord, it's like a hard can... May 19, 2011, 1 comment 102 Pageviews White boys give me goose bumps, white boys give me... Jan 7, 2011, 3 comments 98 Pageviews I fell in to a burning ring of fire Jan 11, 2011 91 Pageviews And it's finger popping twenty-four hour shopping ... May 17, 2011, 7 comments 81 Pageviews So sweet and soft and gentle, my favorite Oriental... Nov 15, 2010 79 Pageviews Stand by your man May 6, 2011, 2 comments 74 Pageviews The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire Oct 28, 2010, 2 comments 70 Pageviews Mocha chocolatta ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade Nov 22, 2010, 5 comments 69 Pageviews

With that, We now present The HorrorScope.  In Smell-O-Vision™.

You’re the spark that fires up the creative engine today (Please don’t say “fire”…We damn near burned OurHouseWhereWeLive down yesterday.   We were broiling Our chicken (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We know that all We were doing was broiling Our chicken) and minding Our Own Bidness when the frickin’ chicken burst into flames!  Extra crispy, don’t’cha know.  Unfortunately, We were quickly able to subdue the resulting inferno.  (We say “unfortunately” because firemen are HAWTT.))

(Is becoming accident-prone a symptom of menopause?)

— so get things started as early as you can. (Let’s get this potty stotted.)

Your people (If We have “people”, why do We have to broil Our Own frickin’ chicken?  (That STILL sounds dirty. Dammit, it’s only poultry, people.  Paltry poultry at that.))

are waiting for you to say the word or propose a new plan, and you’re destined for success.  (We are also, unfortunately, suctioned to distress.)

The way you respect other people’s privacy is admirable, (If ya think THAT’S admirable, you should see the way We respect other people’s privates.)

but it could be limiting your opportunities. (To say nothing of your opportunities’ knockers.)

(Burt Ward’s Penis.)

Don’t be afraid to talk to the people around you about getting what you want — they’re there to help you get things started. (Could those things possibly NOT include kitchen fires?)

Managing your finances should be at the top of your to-do list today, (Lovely.  As soon as We’re through here, We’ll go rub Our two nickels together.  (THAT sounds dirty, too.  Gawd, YouPeople have dirty minds.  It’s a good thing Burt Ward’s Penis.))

 and you can get some fresh ideas from some surprising sources. (Burt Ward’s Penis for the win!)

Now that you have a clear financial goal in mind, (Winning PowerBall™.  Hey, We’re viZZZualizing it.)

you’re ready to tighten your belt a bit. (Was that a fat joke?)

 If you’ve been all talk and no action lately, (Actually, We’ve been busy being all caulk and no traction.  It’s kind of a niche market, but We want to be prepared when it blows up.)

(What?)

start practicing what you  preach to set a good example. (We are an EXCELLENT example.  We’re just not sure of WHAT.)

People appreciate your dedication to keeping it real.  (In Our experience, people are far more appreciative of Our penchant for keeping it imaginary.)

(Maybe if We stick this here, you will click on it.  Or maybe Burt Ward’s Penis.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.