Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, May 17, 2011. Happy Erection Day! (If that embarrasses you, hold your briefcase in front of you while you go vote.)
Only four more shopping days till The Rapture! Further details have emerged, presumably from Those Privileged Individuals Who Speak Directly To Gawd. It appears that The Rapture will be preceded by an earthquake, and will occur in each individual time zone at 6PM. (No word on whether that’s Daylight Savings Time or Standard Time. Apparently, Gawd was not in that particular detail.) What that would appear to mean is that, while there will be time for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres, there will be no time for dinner, so folks will be ascending directly into Heaven on an empty stomach. Which will do precious little to quell the debate as to whether Gawd could make a Christian so heavy that He couldn’t lift it. It would also appear to mean that once Gawd starts The Rapture in whatever particular time zone He chooses (no word on that little detail either), folks in later time zones will have an hour or more to repent, suck up, and find Jeebus. Which seems a little unfair and, dare We say, unGawdly.
When people say they’ve “found Jeebus”, does anyone else automatically think of Where’s Waldo?, or is it just Us? Just Us? Alrighty then.
Here at Erix Daily Horoscope, We will be planning business as usual for Our weekend, as We are fairly sure that ascending directly into Heaven won’t be on Our particular schedule. We have, however, given some consideration as to where We shall go Post-Rapture Looting on Sunday. (What? It’s not like there’ll be any point to going to church, right?)
Of course, the big excitement here will occur on The Rapture Eve, and We’re not just talking about hanging Our Rapture stockings by the chimney with care. (Does One wear stockings to ascend directly into Heaven? Does One wear clothing in Heaven at all, or is it just a bunch of ugly naked people? Because that doesn’t sound like Heaven to Us; it sounds like a fat farm. Where oh where is Miss Manners’ Guide To The Rapture when you need it?) We are talking, of course, about the Tip-Top Secret project that We will be unleashing on an unsuspecting universe on Friday. This project is so stupendously amazing that it may change some people’s minds about being Raptured, lest they get to Heaven and find that Our project doesn’t play there. (That would seem to be a contradiction in terms, no? We mean, if you’re in Heaven, and you want something, you should be able to get it, or it’s not really Heaven, right? And We are by no means adverse to Our project playing in Heaven, assuming (thereby making an ass out Us and Uma Thurman as she ascends directly into Heaven) that a mutually beneficial deal can be struck. So, Gawd: have Your people call Our people, and they can do lunch.)
On a lighter note (la), this non-Rapture-related public service announcement just in from The Sainted Mother:
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!
Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!
You need to show off your adventurous side (Well, good. Because Our other side is busy eclipsing the sun.)
— yes, even more so than usual — by exploring a new neighborhood (Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, perhaps. (Was it just Us, or did he strike everyone else as a pervy creepy child molester too? Even as a child, We were convinced he was going to come through the television screen and touch Us in bad places. And NOT in a good way. Keep your damn cardigan sweater ON, ya skanky pervy wanker, and stop going in and out of that closet!))
or staking out territory somewhere you’d never have imagined yourself before. (Oh, dear. That sounds as though she thinks We might wind up being Raptured after all. And Us without a thing to wear!)
You will be the calm center of the storm today (“I” as in “hurricane”.)
(Sometimes, We are existentially funny. We love those times best of all.)
— while everyone around you will be driven completely by their emotions. (While We? Will be driven to distraction. (Sorry…what?))
Luckily, you know how to stay focused and stay on task. (We certainly…oh, look; a balloon!)
Your cool, calm demeanor (Jigga WUT?)
is a valuable asset today, (Was that an ass joke? (Do these jeans make Our ass look fat? No, your fat ass makes your ass look fat.))
so resist the urge to get caught up in the drama unfolding all around you. (Save the drama for the Dalai Lama.)
(We have no idea. Just move on.)
Keeping an objective viewpoint isn’t always easy, (But We are.)
(Seriously…c’mon over. We’ll show ya “Rapture”.)
but doing so is definitely necessary right now. (Fortunately, doing sewing isn’t definitely necessary right now. (We were about to say, “is there a jawb more boring than sewing?”, but then We remembered where We used to work.))
Remind everyone that taking things personally will only frustrate them. (Taking things personally will only frustrate you. Bitches.)
Romance can show up in the strangest places. (OurHouseWhereWeLive being, apparently, not one of them.)
You might even meet someone new at the dumpster behind your building. It could happen that your new, cute neighbor takes out their trash when you do. Make yourself presentable, and keep a business card handy. (Okay, that? Was the most disgusting, pathetic story ever. Talk about When Hairy Met Smelly.)
(Sometimes, We are not-so-existentially funny. Those times are okay, too.)
It occurs to Us that We have been remiss in mentioning Himself’s endeavors (or, indeed, come to think of it, Himself), so We should point out that, following their critically acclaimed sold-out performance at Helium Comedy Club in March, the WaitStaff Sketch Comedy Strormtroopers will triumphantly return to same on June 1th, and would love to see you there. Further info can be found here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=216397555056276 Tickets here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/471
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.